Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

awww... im so sorry about your dog hun... its hard especially because dogs are alwayst there for you... i love cuddling to my dog when im upset (when im at home which isnt very often). Do you think you will get another dog?

So I have not posted here in a while, but am really struggling today for some reason. I have been having the dire need to starve myself to loose weight, and then when I'm really hungry and about to collapse (I have diabetes tp. two) I'll grab a small bite of food to eat. Then I'll bringe on sweets and feel guilty about it and so then I'll hide in the bathroom and purge. I hate ED. I was diagnosed with Bulimirexia in two thousand and two. I have had the constant struggle to want to be size eight and one hundred and fourty lbs again. I am currently at two hundred and four lbs, down from two hundred and fourteen lbs, last time I saw my N and PDOC. I just want to be thin again. and Dustin, the love of my life keeps telling me I'm beautiful, but why do I not feel that way then? I just want to be pretty again, like I was back in two thousand and five, my sophomore to junior year in high school. Mirrors are my nightmares, and I am okay with looking at myself in them from the front, but from the side, and then I start to suffer again. I look at my body and visually I see all the areas I'd like to go to get nip-tuck done to, because there is flab. I hate flab, it makes me feel so nasty. I guess if I continue to starve myself of calories, I may continue to loose weight. It feels good to hear people tell me that I look good again. Yesterday I was able to fit into a pair of shorts I hadnt been able to fit into for three years, and it made me feel happy. I often ask people to tell me that I'm beautiful, because well..I like to hear that I am pretty the way I am. Dustin tells me this so often, but my mind can not quite grasp it.


As you can see...I'm struggling today...

Hopefully we will sometime soon, we will wait maybe a month or so before. I look at pets like members of the family. She was the sweetest-here is a picture of her..
Emma

JesusFreak I tottally understand what your saying. I have those thoughts almost everyday. I want to starve to loose weight, its so desireable! However I keep fighting because this life is too short to spend it being miserable and killing yourself. Staying close to the Lord is the only thing that has solidly helped me, Ive tried everything else...nothing works except his love. You are beautiful no matter what, Dustin says your beautiful because its true. I know its hard to believe, but God created you the way you look because he knows its beautiful-its a part of him. Starving yourself to loose weight isnt the way to go, it seems like it will bring happiness, but it doesnt. It only brings more pain, hospitalizations, and death. Stay strong hunny, fight the fight!

sry double post

LovesTruePassion said:

sry double post

Click to expand...

It is okay.

Thank you for your response. I just... I know God created me to be beautiful, but why can't I be like my sister Vanessa or Felicia? They are so pretty, and I'm well..Not..It just is not fair. I want to be that girl that every one was amazed at how much weight she lost and how pretty she looked. I want to be able to shop at the stores in the malls and be able to fit into all the cute and nice clothes

You cant be like your sisters because, well God didnt make you them. You are unique and you are your own. Dont wish to be someone else, if you spend your whole life wanting to be someone else then you will never truly discover who you are and your life will just be one big mystery and you will never see the real you. The you that God created you to be, your life will then be just a waste....
Why do you desire to be looked at as 'thin'....I felt this way before but that mentality is dangerous because you are not just your looks. Dont you want people to see you as the girl who is strong, smart, healthy, and wise because she overcame such a deadly disorder? I know its so difficult to change your thoughts but you can if you try. You can if you lay it at the foot of the cross, you cannot just say 'yeah Im know I should do this and that' you have to really do it to make a change in your life. Im praying for you.

I will be MIA tommorow until next thursday because Jeremy and I are going on vacation. I will miss you all, please fight hard. Life is too short and precious....I love you all and your in my prayers. xoxo

Soulwings said:

Hallee... I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. Does anyone know that you are struggling so much right now, besides us?

Click to expand...

Yeah, my husband is well aware and he's doing what he can to just make me stop purging, but it's not exactly helpful, because cold turkey non-purging equates to mental fallout.

My doctor and counselor are also aware, and they are quite concerned and trying to do what they can as well. Thanks for asking.

Today I haven't yet purged. It's the longest I've gone in weeks, though there's still a lot of night left My husband is on bulldog guarding duty after I eat, so it makes it difficult.

LTP said:

I will be MIA tommorow until next thursday because Jeremy and I are going on vacation

Click to expand...

Enjoy your vacation

wow... it has been quiet in here...
Hello???

JesusFreak2008 said:

It is okay.

Thank you for your response. I just... I know God created me to be beautiful, but why can't I be like my sister Vanessa or Felicia? They are so pretty, and I'm well..Not..It just is not fair. I want to be that girl that every one was amazed at how much weight she lost and how pretty she looked. I want to be able to shop at the stores in the malls and be able to fit into all the cute and nice clothes

Click to expand...

Proverbs Eleven verse twenty-five
The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.

Proverbs Thirteen verse four
The soul of the sluggard desireth, and [hath] nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.

Proverbs Twenty-eight, verse twenty-five
He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.

I think fat is a blessing. Or is supposed to be. It's one I keep telling the Lord I don't want, but it seems to be following me, too.

My advice is that you stop looking at yourself. Sure, get dressed (try to find cute clothes, I can refer you to a site that has DARLING clothes for plus size women... really cute), and see yourself through Dustin's eyes. There are men who prefer heavy women. Also, have you ever read the book Real Women Don't Diet?

It may cheer you up. Everyone God made is beautiful to Him; especially those who love him-- I will pray you can see yourself as God sees you.

beckybooiloveu said:

wow... it has been quiet in here...
Hello???

Click to expand...

hey becky
(and everyone else too)

I have been slow in responding and keeping up with posts. My mental stamina is shot - and my lack of mental stamina has an adverse effect on my physical stamina.

Had an unfavorable experience shopping for shirts today - don't have time to explain but just take my word for it - ever since gaining xx pounds the shirts just don't look the way I hope they look. I don't care for appearing amorphous one bit.

Hi Becky!
It definitely has been quiet. I had lots of family stuff going on this weekend so I wasn't around much. How are you? I hope your studying is going well.

Yuki,
Hi! Hope you are doing well.

Ladybug,
Don't worry about not keeping up with posts I think we all have times where it's hard to keep up with all the posts, either because of how we are feeling or just because life gets busy. Or both.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience looking for shirts. I hate how shopping can be such an anxiety-provoking experience.

Just muddling through another day. I've gone three days without enacting my disorder (outside my mind that is...) It feels like a century

Oddbeani
3 days is amazing progress. At the same time I know how hard it is to deal with the thoughts but not be able to calm them with behaviours so I'm sending you loads of s and positive thoughts. I hope you have support and alternative healthy ways of coping with your feelings. If coming on here and venting helps we're definitely here to listen.

Shannie said:

Hi Becky!
Ladybug,
Don't worry about not keeping up with posts I think we all have times where it's hard to keep up with all the posts, either because of how we are feeling or just because life gets busy. Or both.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience looking for shirts. I hate how shopping can be such an anxiety-provoking experience.

Click to expand...

thank you - it's really anxiety- and depression-provoking experience. that's an understatement actually. I tried going to another mall today - a far, far superior mall but infinitely bigger and I could not get through all the stores at all. Granted, not all the stores are clothing stores. It's such a huge mall that I have mixed opinions about going back but the clothing selection in the stores on my side of town are a LOT different than some of the same clothing stores in the other mall. it's just that the mall is at least a half hour away and is a million square feet in size I've been there before now and then over the past decade or so. In all honesty I love that mall but it is simply not the kind of mall you can tell yourself that you'll only spend an hour in.

but I didn't succeed today in finding a shirt that looked okay on me. Granted, I didn't look hard enough I don't think - if you had walked in that mall you'd understand why I didn't get enough done. But as far as the shirts I tried on, I really wanted to cry inside when I saw how they looked on me, versus on the rack.

the fitting room had a couple sets of mirrors such that you could see the rear view at the same time as the front view. for the first time in a very long time I saw how I really looked without my shirt on. I don't really look in the mirror that much without my major clothes on and I was really, really dismayed at how shapeless and rolled up my upper body had become. I mean, compared to how I looked a year and half ago (and I frankly forgot if I ever looked that good anymore) my body has really taken a turn for the worse - I know you guys may say not to worry, I'm beautiful and all that - and I'm sure you even mean that I'm beautiful but I couldn't handle what I saw today in the mirror. My dad fails to understand my plight - my body and my system simply are not his body and his system - he thinks that if I stay hungry over a long enough period of time (not necessarily starve myself but he means to eat and stop at a certain point even if not satisfied) that my body will get used to doing this and it will stop feeling hungry. I just wanted to yell and say NO that simply does NOT work that way for me. He just doesn't understand that if I eat to a certain point and stop even if I am not satisfied, I will simply end up binging a couple hours later. He says to simply control. I can't. I want to but I can't. I lost a pound since yesterday but it's not because of how I ate - I walked around so much yesterday because I was in the mall closer to where I live and I sweated like heck afterwards. I ask myself, is this how hard I have to work to lose a pound around here? Is my body this stagnant, this dead, this immobile that it has come close to not working anymore?

The strange thing is - back when I was thinner about a year and a half ago - I did not feel like I was starving at all to keep that weight. I felt like I had to steer clear of some things but I know that if I were as hungry in those days as I am in these days, I would never have been that weight to begin with. Something must have happened to trigger the appetite this far. Because I was definitely depressed then too and had been for years before that - I don't get it.

I am really, really sad today - not to mention that shopping alone in that entire mall did great damage to my morale. My mental stamina was shot because I'm weak in going some places alone. It just hurts not to have a friend to talk to while shopping or to help you see something that may look good on you that you may have inadvertently missed.

anyway my fingers are tired now after typing so much...

OddBeani said:

Just muddling through another day. I've gone three days without enacting my disorder (outside my mind that is...) It feels like a century

Click to expand...

good job not acting on it - I hope today is another one of those better days

I'm back for the time being, anyway.

Yey.

Bec, so glad to hear that you got the bursary!! That is fantastic. But please... do your best to take care of yourself... so hard, I know, and so easy to say, but taking care of yourself will help you get the grades that you need to keep the bursary.

Hallee, yey for not acting on your ED for three days!! That is fantastic. Keep up the great work... and I am so glad that your tx team and husband are aware of your current struggles. It's hard to have your husband try to take care of you like that, since he is not an expert, but I am glad that you are having him do what he can.

Shannie, how are you doing today?

Sabrina, have a great time on your vacation. You deserve a break, especially after seeing your dog... I'm so sorry about that.

...

I'm really tired. Got up at four forty this morning because, well, both Jarrod and I woke up at the same time and didn't feel like going back to sleep. Hehe. Who says that newlyweds have to have normal sleeping hours??

Anyway. If you want any details or pictures or whatever, PM me, 'cause I don't want to take up board space talking about all of that.

Anxiety has been really bad... I had three panic attacks in a row last night (I call each time my throat closes up an attack, simply because that's when the anxiety is getting the best of my body. It sucks), and I had to lie still for an hour and a half after taking one mg Klonopin (vs. the normal half mg at nighttime) and three hundred mg Neurontin... blah.

But anyway, that was tangential.

Love you all. xx

Ladybug,
Sorry shopping was such a bad experience. I like to shop alone when my ED isn't bad because I'm more productive but if my ED is tagging closely along it's a terrible experience. I think fitting room mirrors are unusually unflattering. Do you have a friend you could bring with you next time?

I'm sorry your dad isn't more understanding. Is it possible to ask him not to discuss your weight? Or any time he brings it up just say you are working on becoming healthier but not go into any details or anything? I'm a total daddy's girl and I am overly concerned about what my dad thinks. I'm working on it, to try to realize that just cuz he thinks something doesn't make it right or at least not necessarily right for me. It's hard, I spent so much of my life trying to make him happy. A lot of my ED started from that actually. ANyways, not trying to make this about me, just saying I can imagine how hard it must be to hear the kinds of comments you get from your dad.


April,

Welcome back I'm sorry your anxiety has been so bad . I hope things get better soon as you get into your new routine and home.

I'm doing ok. Feeling crazy triggered tonight for some reason but that is ok, it should pass, I'm just really stressed about other stuff so it's playing out with ED thoughts as per usual. Guess I should focus on the actual problems

Thanksgiving was this past weekend and I was able to enjoy most of the food, which was nice. I was eating this wonderful dessert my mom made and my aunt made a passing remark about how we were all going to get fat from it. Funny how an off-handed remark like that probably bounced off everyone else but to me I felt like I got punched in the stomach. However I was able to talk myself down from it and after a couple minutes I was ok. And rather proud of myself for being able to argue with my ED and win hehe.

Hope everyone else is doing well!

Shannie said:

Ladybug,
Sorry shopping was such a bad experience. I like to shop alone when my ED isn't bad because I'm more productive but if my ED is tagging closely along it's a terrible experience. I think fitting room mirrors are unusually unflattering. Do you have a friend you could bring with you next time?

I'm sorry your dad isn't more understanding. Is it possible to ask him not to discuss your weight? Or any time he brings it up just say you are working on becoming healthier but not go into any details or anything? I'm a total daddy's girl and I am overly concerned about what my dad thinks. I'm working on it, to try to realize that just cuz he thinks something doesn't make it right or at least not necessarily right for me. It's hard, I spent so much of my life trying to make him happy. A lot of my ED started from that actually. ANyways, not trying to make this about me, just saying I can imagine how hard it must be to hear the kinds of comments you get from your dad.

Click to expand...

Hi Shannie
there may be one person I could bring along (the lady that helps take care of my mom) but I'm afraid that my indecisiveness on things would make her very impatient. I'm considering it though. it feels like a lose-lose situation. I bring someone, I feel my freedom to look for things might become inhibited. I don't being someone, and I just feel so alone and helpless. Going alone however has been feeling really sad for me. Today I tried again but failed I mean it - this is an embarrassment. It brought up memories of when my mom and I occasionally shopped there during my high school years and we would have some frozen dessert afterwards in the mall's food court. Now that my mom has lost a lot of memory, she can't go places anymore alone - not unless the caretaker lady brings her out. And that would cause my shopping to take infinitely longer because that mall is just huge.

technically it is possible, I guess, to ask him not to discuss weight but he probably would not take it too well because it would look like I'm putting some distance between me and him and I don't think he likes distance - it's not a "control freak" issue - I just think that he doesn't like to see me shut myself off from him when I'm feeling in pain. That's all. Unfortunately I get concerned from time to time with what he thinks too. I'm not obsessed with it - but I think about it. I don't go into a ton of details with him when he addresses my weight, except for some trite phrase like "I'm trying but it just stays the same" and stuff.

speaking of fitting room mirrors - if there were no rearview mirror I could have been spared of seeing how I looked in the backside. it is hard to forget that kind of stuff