Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! poss. trig (5)

beckybooiloveu · Sep 18, 2008

*hugs* everyone!!! im thinking of you all...

Soulwings · Sep 18, 2008

A-M, I hope that things look up for you. Keep posting here and in the bipolar forum - support is everything.

Lisa, I'm glad that you saw a N. Keep trying to eat... you deserve better treatment than what you are giving yourself. I hope that you figure out your next T appt... sucks not knowing.

Bec, how're you doing?? s

On top of everything else, I have a cold and really don't feel like eating. Why does it all seem to pile on at once?

beckybooiloveu · Sep 19, 2008

*hugs*

im still the same... i feinted at work today so got to come home early... and was at dinner and the girls asked why i was home from work so early and i mentioned i wasnt feeling well (have had fevers over the last few days) and that i feinted... and then one girl said it was because i hadnt been eating enough and that the only thing she has seen me with on my plate over the last month is a piece of lettuce or cucumber... and then a few other girls who were having a totally different conversation turned around and agreed and said i hadnt been eating enough... and these were all skinny gorgeous girls that said this to me... they are known as "the beautifuls" here...
i feel like i have been eating more... but i dont like the idea that ppl are thinking im not eating enough...

Soulwings · Sep 19, 2008

Bec, love, if you're fainting then you haven't been eating enough. You may be eating more, but lettuce and cucumbers? I think you know that they don't have enough (if any) calories. Please try to eat something of substance... some crackers or a piece of bread... something that is easy to digest and still low in calories so you don't freak out - but carbs do, at least, give some nourishment. I'm glad that someone is noticing your eating habits... even if it is uncomfortable for you. I understand your discomfort... I just want you to be able to take care of yourself better.

Kerin, Ari, you guys out there?

Katey, Sabrina, Shannie, Ladybug, what about you four? It's gotten pretty quiet in here the past few days.

beckybooiloveu · Sep 19, 2008

i am eating enough... i feinted because i am sick... and tired/exhausted...

LovesTruePassion · Sep 19, 2008

Hey all, I have been without power ALL week due to hurricane Ike, I have access to the net right now because of a generator my dad let us use. SO hopefully our 'real' power will beback on today, at least thats what the power companies are saying. We shall see, anyways-Im praying for you all. This week has been a good week food wise for me though, Ive been doing pretty well since the power has been out. The thoughts have been crazy though because in my head Im hearing 'you cant cook, so dont even bother eating'...however Im pushing through.

Shannie · Sep 19, 2008

Hi girls!

I've been away at work training all week, I just got back last night, thus my absence on here. It was a bit hard eating properly cuz there is sooooo much food there but then there's a lot of people, so I just end up being stupid and not eating enough one meal and then eating too much later on, but it's over now and I guess I didn't do so bad overall I'll get back on track now that I'm at home again. And my b/f gets back from Asia tonight so I'm happy about that.

I'm sorry so many people are struggling right now I can't reply individually to all the posts cuz I'm pretty behind now, but I'll try to do better from now on.

LovesTruePassion · Sep 19, 2008

April, the job is to work at a treatment facility for children ages four to seventeen while shizophrenea, bipolar, who have been sexually,physically, emotionally abused, alot of them are suicidal-there have been four yr. olds know to try and commit suicide at the facility. Its so sad. It will be a challenging atmosphere, but Im up for it-I really want to help people-and I understand alot of their pain.
How are you? everyone else?

Soulwings · Sep 19, 2008

Bec, lettuce and cucumbers do not qualify as "enough." If you're eating something that actually has calories, well and good, but I highly, highly doubt that it is "enough" by healthy standards. Love you, sis.

Shannie, where do you work? I'm glad you got through training okay... sounds like it was a struggle - I hear you on the skipping a meal and eating too much the next... and yey on your bf getting back soon!! I bet you are very excited.

Sabrina, that sucks about the power, but glad that you are back. That job does sound amazing... I would love to work there too... but yes, sad. I can't believe that there are suicidal four year olds... that is so sad. :-(

...

I am very... well, I don't know. Crappy, I guess. I see my NP tomorrow - I think a med change is really going to be a good thing. I'm not hypomanic anymore but am now really depressed and am finding it hard to eat... usually am eating a little for breakfast, skipping lunches or having lunch but not much... and then eating a "normal" supper. I.e., not eating enough. Under starvation diet, mostly, and while I know cognitively that it's not going to help me lose the fat that needs to be lost, emotionally it feels like I can't eat.

But I am managing. So thankful for you all here at CF... understanding people can be so hard to find!!

LovesTruePassion · Sep 19, 2008

Im so sorry your having trouble eating April :-(, I do hope you can see that your body needs the fuel and energy to work properly and you are worth eating and feeding yourself. Sometimes I feel like I dont deserve the food, but we do, we were made for so much more than to drown in ourselves with eating disorders and things of the like. Im praying for you, praying that you can find strength in the Lord, somehow to overcome the thoughts and eat more.

Soulwings · Sep 19, 2008

I can see that I need the food... but still, it is hard, as I know you know. It is something that I am finding very hard to control, and even my T doesn't know how bad it's gotten calorie-wise. I've started counting calories again, which is why I know how bad it is... it's a little scary to see over the past few days how fast the number has dropped. Calories, I mean, not weight. Thankfully I'm not (yet) obsessively weighing myself... just a few times a week, or every other day, something like that.

I am so tired of fighting.

LovesTruePassion · Sep 19, 2008

I know it is hard, trust me!!!The fight is hard sweetie, but you have to do it for yourself and your future husband. If you dont try your just setting yourself up for more difficult roads ahead-and you have come so far to let it all go now.

Soulwings · Sep 19, 2008

I know I can't go back to where I used to be... and I miss it, I really do. And the fight is hard... and I don't feel strong enough right now. I am not doing well. I am not doing well. There. I can say it. And it's true.

I'm just scared how far this is going to go... because I don't want to gain back the weight that I lost... I really don't. But... I also don't want to eat. I hope it's just the meds that are making me this depressed... or else... well, I don't want to look at the "or else." Because the "or else" might mean I am on a downswing in mood, coming off hypomania, and destined to be popped into the hospital in the next few months, again. Can't take that. No. It must be the meds.

LovesTruePassion · Sep 20, 2008

April *hugs*, Im so sorry you feel this way hunny. I wish I could say something to take all your pain away-but I cant. There is only God, and only he can wipe away your tears and hurt. Im praying you find some comfort! You can get through this, I just know it-even if you dont think so.

Soulwings · Sep 20, 2008

I am feeling a little better now... I called one of my dear friends last night, and we talked about our separate struggles. She "made" me go up to the kitchen and get something to eat - a protein bar and some orange juice - because my calories were so low even by yesterday evening after supper. I love that girl. She doesn't pretend that my ED isn't there, but instead takes a fighting stance against it and encourages me to do the same. We're keeping tabs on each other today as well, since she's been struggling with eating as well (not an eating disorder, just forgetting to eat or feeling too sick to eat due to all of the stress - horrible horrible stress - that she has been going through the past few weeks). So yey on that.

How are you doing, Sabrina? And Shannie, Ladybug, Bec, Katey, Kerin, Ari, Tn, if you all are around?

LovesTruePassion · Sep 20, 2008

Im so glad you have such a friend to provide encouragement April, we all need friends like that! Its good your there for her too. Im so happy she shed some light on your situation and you had something to eat. Kepp fighting babe, you only get stonger every day that you stop and look fear in the face instead of letting it linger inside.
Im good April, I woke up this morning having one of those 'fat' days, just feeling big for no reason really. However, I went for a looong walk with my husband and we talked, not really about Ed or anything and it helped, exercise always helps get me out of those feelings-though they still linger just getting out and doing something is always refreshing and clears my mind.

Soulwings · Sep 20, 2008

Aww fat days suck. I used to have them more than I do now, but I still do have them, and they are pretty horrible. The funny thing is, usually I can look at myself in the mirror in the morning and think, "Oh, I'm not that bad" ... but by nighttime, it's "Oh crap, I'm obese!" So it really is hard to manage, almost like BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). I don't know if you've experienced similar? And I'm glad that you had that time with your husband (what's his name? can't remember if you've told me/us or not)... are you still eating a balanced diet? Especially with exercising...

I've eaten a lot today... well, a lot according to the last few days of calorie counting. It isn't literally lots, but it feels like a lot, and that's what counts, I think. Maybe.

I'm not feeling that great, physically or mentally. Been coughing a lot, and J&I and my mum cleaned his apartment up - last step before marriage, really, since we've got the license and rings now ( ) - and now I'm really depressed, for no good reason. I think I'm going to go read in my room for awhile and listen to Fireflight... or Flyleaf... something that matches my mood but won't drag it down any further.

Oh, and my NP prescribed Focalin for me. Approved by the FDA to treat ADHD in children, but not for anything else. She hopes it will act as a stimulant and antidepressant... I hope she's right. Because I feel like crrrrrap.

Lady Bug · Sep 20, 2008

hi guys,

not much of an update on how I am doing...I lost my temper on a thread today - I feel bad about it...

my weight is still at XXX pounds - they say it's not the number on the scale but how you feel - well - I am starting to feel worse though too - physically slower, not to mention mentally. Definitely a "fat" day for me! I'm trying not to go over this mark.

I think I might boil some frozen veggies though tonight. I'm too bored not to.

beckybooiloveu · Sep 20, 2008

hi all... jsut wanted to know im thinking of you all...

im not the best... have had a pretty big day so far and am exhausted... it is only two fifteen in the arvo... it doesnt help that i ahvent slept AT ALL in the last thirty-four or so hours... i tried last night but just couldnt get to sleep... then i played cricket this morning so was running around in the hot sun for like two and a hlaf hours... and then i had a two hour dance rehearsal literally straight after cricket... i think i have heat stroke or something because im really nauseous and feel so drained... i just had a shower which has refreshed me a bit...

i havent eaten anything yet today which is probably not good considering all the exercise... but i feel too sick to eat...

anways.. im going to do some study for histology (why do cells have to look the same when they are really different!!! grr)

im praying for you all... sorry i couldnt be of much support today...

LovesTruePassion · Sep 22, 2008

April, yeah the fat days suck major-my feelings of being 'fat' are usually in the evening too-especially when Im with Jeremy. I just feel so self consious, like he can see the fat everywhere on me, which I know isnt true rationally, but its exhausting to fight off! I do believe since Im not acting out on the eating disorder Im definetly suffering from BDD. I get so freaked out talking to people face to face, I am constantly thinking of how ugly, fat, disporportioned I look to them. Its annoying.
Im still doing well with food, I think I have that down-its just the stupid thoughts!

*hugs* Im hoping your feeling a bit better now April. I understand the depression and anxiety in all this, especially when I feel I have eaten a bit too much-more than normal. However 'our too much' is really normal to alot of people. So try and rest with that, still I know, well at least in my mind I dont want my meals to be 'normal', I want to eat less and less, but I dont think I will ever give into that again-at least I hope not.

Praying for you ladybug-feeling better today? I hope so sweetie.
Praying for you Becky-Im so sad to see you havent eaten today, I know its hard but try your best to get something down. Your body needs it to think properly and get through the day.

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