Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

Sorry girls,
I want to write a bit more to vent about my day and my stupid ED voice despite just writing a very long post. I hope that's ok.

I just started this job and have become friendly with this girl is also new. For reasons I dont' understand the girl seems to never be hungry and doesn't eat much at all!! I don't think it's because of an ED, but just cuz she doesn't really bother. She eats lunch but I think it's more cuz I am than cuz she actually cares. It's making me crazy!! I'm eating really well right now, every meal and lots of snacks because my body needs them to function well and I am trying to remember how much better I perform at work when I eat properly. Then I'm showing her around to find lunch places, cuz i've worked in teh area before and she starts teasing me abut how I know where all the food places are etc. I felt like such a pig

Then later on I made like the stupidest mistake in front of her, like just one of those dumb moments, nothing major but rather embarrassing, because I was acting silly. I rarely act like that around people I don't know well but we were joking around and having fun and I dunno I was more relaxed. Anyways she turns around and says something like "Oh my goodness you're so stupid". Totally joking but the crushing feeling of failure (I dunno if that's the right word...just all around negativity about myself), which I am much more free from now than I have been in the past totally gripped me. It was like my ED was just sidling right up beside me to lure me in a moment of weakness, because this feeling fueled my ED for so long.

Anyways, not blaming the girl, obviously these are pretty minor things and it's my issue and I know that. But I just wanted to vent cuz I was so angry at myself today.

*big hugs*

Thanks Shannie Im feeling much better now and just have to push past my triggers and remember the most important things in life and not be afraid when my triggers come-just try and work through them instead of just giving in. I can stay strong throughout all this..
Shannie-dont feel like a pig-dont compare what you eat to what she eats. Your going through an eating disorder and trying to recover-you need to focus on you right now and your mindset and getting better. Your body needs that food, dont let someone else not eating ruin your progress. My friend used to say 'gosh your stupid' all the time in a joking manner and me with a weak personality and sensitivity to that felt horrible and believed her. However you have to know it was a joke-sometimes people dont know their words hurt/affect others....Im sure she didnt mean that...and she doesnt understand that your still hanging onto her words....they are just words....and Shannie I know you can push past it. Its not true-your very intelligent and amazing.....
When people say something like that to me I believe it automatically even if I am educated and wise-its like all that is thrown in the trash at the moment and I only focus on the negative....positive stuff doesnt matter atthat moment. However in those moments we are sooo consumed with just those words that those positive things dont have room to come into our minds because we dont let them....we have to , in those moments, think of what we truly are....and what we have overcome...and what your going through and trying to recover in no way are you stupid.

Sabrina,
I'm so glad you are feeling better. Good job for not listening to ED, it's hard but definitely worth it. Also, thank you so much for the support. I know you are right, it's one of those things that just hit me so suddenly and I needed to vent. Funny how all logic can go right out the door...I have two university degrees but yet I just thought "yeh, I am stupid". I need to be less sensitive...I'm working on it lol. It's an ongoing process.

I'm sorry for the superlong posts last night =S. I shall try to stop my rambling a little sooner next time.

How is everyone else doing?

so, quick question... would seeing a dietician be a good idea, to try to get my head out of the distorted place it resides in when trying to manage food... ???
i phoned one the other day just to find out costs... but now the thought of picking up the phone to make an appt is enough to bring SI temptations way too close...
maybe if i procrastinate long enough, there won't be a need...

Shannie-you can type as much as you want!!!! Dont worry about how long your posts are-I know for myself I read them super long or super short....no worries.
This is a place for support, so tell us anything
Celtic Camel I think seeing a dietician would be a great idea-those type of people can help you put your menu into balance and help you sort out foods that are healthy for you and that you can cope with at the time. You need to do this for you hun, you need to work towards making the effort, your worth getting better and if seeing someone who will help you work out a food plan is what it takes, the by all means get one. Dont hesistate and let the ED choose for you-you choose..and just do it hun.

I'm going to reply out of order this time, just to be different.

Lisa, I think that seeing a dietician/N would be a good idea. I do, and have since oh six, and it's helped me a lot. Got me back on track, etc. Especially if you are struggling a lot... definitely go for it. It gets worse before it gets better, but you will get better!! I have faith in you, love. You can make it. I know you can.

Sabrina, I'm glad that you can push through triggers now... that is really hard to do and I am proud of you for managing to do it, however lame that sounds. Hang tough and I know that you can make it in your efforts to succeed. How are you and J doing? how's eating been lately? are you managing to keep everything in balance?

Shannie, I'm sorry to hear about that girl... even joking around words can hurt. I know that I call my J a dork sometimes, and I got used to doing that, so accidentally I called my best friend a dork when we were being silly... I hope that didn't hurt her. Words come out so fast sometimes, without thinking... that's probably what happened with your coworker. I know that I am sensitive, so I feel your pain about that... I am more thick-skinned than I was in the past, thankfully, but sometimes it still does hurt. I hope what I said makes sense. Just remember that she didn't mean it seriously... and that her comment about you knowing the places to eat wasn't meant as a put down either. Be proud of yourself for forging so far ahead in recovery, because that definitely is something to be proud of.

Bec, how're you doing, love?

I am alright today... thanks for the reassurance about the whole milk choice, Sabrina. The thing is, it's so high in fat that it is a little uncomfortable for me to think about drinking. I know that with my metabolism being the way it is, I need the fat to keep myself going (however weird that sounds), but still... and yes, the calcium is good. Thanks for reminding me about my advice to you about finding the good in the bad. Sometimes I need to be reminded like that.

Shannie, the yoga is really enjoyable. We start out with warmups - stretching both sitting and standing, and some nonstrenuous poses. That's about a quarter of the time (the class is seventy-five minutes long). Then we do poses, which are very challenging, especially after the warmups (which in themselves can be tiring). The only problem with the poses is that I push myself too far. The instructor says, "You can do it this way" (and shows us) "or if you want to take it one step further you can do this" (and shows us) "or if you want to go to the advanced stage do this" (shows us) "but only go as far as your body permits you." And I always go to the intermediate or advanced stage, because I am doing this with a friend and I want to be as good as she is. Competition, beware!! So I am very sore... And then there are cooldowns, and then the last ten minutes of the class are relaxation. It's a very nice class but by the end I am shaking from all of the exertion. Today all of my muscles are screaming at me, and the class was on Monday!!

Yes, I know that that is unhealthy. J is worried about me in that regard... pushing myself too far to be healthy.

*hugs everyone*
ok... ummm... i tried to take a step forward for the best... but im not so sure it has really worked for the best. i ummm... have tried to start eating a little bit each day... but... at the same time... i ahve start counting calories (which i have never really got into), ive beening spending a couple hours a day purging, wiehging myself multiple times (like before and after purging, before and after eating), and i ahve quadrupled my exercise... i dunno... i think i would be better going back to just not eating...

and ive been trying to get more sleep... but... im not getting any... i spend the whole night staring at the ceiling... and am not getting any sleep... *cries*

so im not sure if my step forward is really a step forward... i jsut... dont know... i ahve work all day tomorrow and dont want to go... because its going to be exhasuting...

and i had a fever this morning and a migraine... so flu is coming back... i think im crashing...

you guys

I will attempt to address people when my thoughts are in order...have to say something right now to get this off my chest or else I will explode...

he said to me last night (though not in ill will whatsoever) something like this "You used to be so pretty, now you have gotten bigger, you must learn to eat less" or something like that.

he didn't mean to hurt me - and I am trying to lose weight in my own way in spite of my binge problems. it's just that the "used to be pretty" part hurts because naturally, one looks better when they are proper weight but my dad doesn't have the eating disorder that I have - nor the depression.

as I said I'll try to catch up with you folks' posts - if I can - I'm just bummed by this. Couldn't help it...

Thanks April-J and I are great! He is such a huge support-and he was there for me to cry on his shoulder sunday through my bout of saddness and angst towards my ED. Im still eating well, everything is staying in balance. Sunday I restricted a bit, but monday I got back on track-I felt bingey all day yesterday for some odd reason even though I was eating right...but I managed to fight off that urge and have two healthy afternoon snacks instead of a fridge raid. So Im so happy I pulled through that-its soooo very hard to fight off binges for me.
Oh and with the high fat in milk, its not really a bad fat! Its not like it was loaded with sugar/and tons of bad things for you. Fat is good for you-when you get it through healthy foods like nuts, peanut butter, cheese, milk, etc. So dont worry about it-I know its hard to eat/drink something with the word FAT becaue we think if we eat/drink that we will become fat-not true. Our organs need fat to function especially our brains!!!!

Becky-Im soooo glad your trying to eat! That is a step forward and you should be proud of yourself. Your body needs energy and fuel to sustain your life. However Im still saddened at the part that your weighing yourself so much. Try have something small for breakfast, lunch, dinner..just work yourself up to more and more each day until your body can function properly. Refeeding is so hard to do, but you can do it!Please, pleeeeeeeeease whatever you do dont stop eating, even if you keep failing you have to still keep trying! Never give up babe.

Ladybug Im so sorry your dad said this, however he doesnt know the hurt and pain you go through. Your beautiful no matter what and I know you can pull through the binges, etc. You can, and you will get better. Being a certain weight doesnt define your beauty-your beauty is inside...and when you feel beautiful on the inside the outside will shine too. You have to pull yourself up and try hard hun, you can beat this. Praying for you.

thank you LovesTruePassion for your prayers -

I was on the verge of having a friend take a pic of me but now I've been demoralized (not by you lol but by my dad even though it's not his intent).

I want to get better - I think it has to do with trying to balance some of the food groups I eat from - not that I wouldn't feel inclined to eat too many carbs - but there's just something about having a balance of all the right types of foods that is mentally satisfying - even if the physical satisfaction takes some work. I'm having some veggies tonight with my tacos - lettuce, tomatoes and onions - not to mention the salsa on top of them that has a good chunk of veggies - I'm so excited about that lol...

see you all later...

Im so happy your trying to balance your meals-thats key in a healthy lifestyle and healthy mindset with food. Pile on those veggies girl!!!!! They are super good for you. Make sure your getting enough protein too, protein helps aids in bunches of stuff for your bodily functions. Carbs are hard to balance out, because almost everything is loaded with them, dont worry over it too much though...just make sure all your carbs are complex...like wheat breads, whole wheat pastas, whole grain cereals, fruits, etc.

Sabrina- the thing is, I'm a nutrition minor, and that can work either for or against me. In the case of the latte, it's against me, because the fat in milk/cheese is mostly saturated, which is unhealthy (opposed to the mono- and poly-unsaturated fats in nuts, vegetable oils, etc.). Ahhh!! But I can go with the calcium. Anyway, I am over that now, thankfully, since I worked hard enough in yoga to feel like I burnt off the calories. And you are right, we do need fat. Just in balance is all.

Ladybug- so sorry to hear about what your dad said. I am sure that you are beautiful - and Sabrina was right - when you feel beautiful on the inside it will shine through to the outside. Beauty, defined by the world's standards, is ridiculous. But beauty, defined by God, is a wonderful thing.

Your right about the cheese on the saturated fat April-I didnt think of that...but still no worries. We all need it for calcium
How are you besides that though?

I'm doing pretty well, I guess, all things considered. It's been a pretty long day, and I ate "too much" today... not sure if it really was too much or not... not sure if my hunger triggers are still holding true or not... I hate not trusting myself!! But at least what I ate was, for the most part, healthy. I'm so glad that people here can understand overeating and empathize/encourage/support others rather than beating them down. Definitely am thankful for you girls on here. s

I'm going nuts with uni right now... so much work to do. But I am finding the time to eat in between all of the schoolwork, and I am eating lunch and a snack on T/Th when I have my crazy class schedule. So that's good, I guess. There is so much work to do, though!! I don't know if I will be able to keep up this frenetic pace all through the semester. I'm still semi-hypomanic which is helping me bounce out of bed in the mornings at six fifteen, but I am still crashing around nine. The depression isn't horrible right now, which is fabulous, because depression + hypomania = very very bad.



Jarrod and I... a month from tomorrow and we will be married! I'm nervous... nervous nervous nervous. I'll be moving into his apartment, which to him is really weird, since he's never really lived with anyone since he moved out from his dad's place eight years ago. But it's going to be really weird for me since I have lived in the same house for sixteen years! and only moved to a different bedroom in oh five (that really stunned J, haha he can't imagine living in one place for sixteen years [much less having the same bedroom] since when he was a kid his family bounced all over the place). So yeah. Moving is going to be really weird.

And this got to be a tome. I apologize.

Love you girls.

April-Im so glad your eating properly and finding time to do so and not letting being busy be your excuse! Your doing amazing.
Moving for me was really weird too, Id been in the same place for fourteen years w/ my parents!Youll get used to it though in no time-its kinda exciting!!!

Whoops, Ladybug, I apologize if what I said was triggering. Completely wasn't thinking.

I am stressed out and have cramps right now... Dratted TOM (time of month). One of the Spanish professors for whom I am tutoring (last year of tutoring Spanish, since it's been four years since I've taken any and I am getting rusty) wants me to come in to see him to talk in Spanish to see where I am level-wise. I'm going to ignore that email... heh. Maybe it'll go away if I don't think about it. *crosses fingers* Heh.

Okay, I'mma go for now. s for all. Visit the coffee shop to grab something to drink.

no Soulwings - I don't remember anything you said that triggered me - it's alright.

if you are triggered by food names try to scroll down this thread as fast as possible so you don't see what I'm saying -

gained weight again today - after I thought I had lost a tad over these past few days. sorry but one of the worst things for someone with an ED is to feel like they are starving within a couple hours of eating a lot of food - yet still gaining weight in spite of feeling like they are starving. I had a nice amount of veggies last night and ate ample food - and this is not making sense - within a couple hours I felt so hungry - unfortunately I had a brownie and X and a half oatmeal cookies - then a little bit of ice cream (can't say the amount b/c numbers trigger) - then I got so hungry within an hour and a half (don't know if that constitutes numbers) after that, that I took the remaining pretzels that were in my ziploc back and devoured them - needless to say - that did no justice to my weight today - I had a good supper but felt "starving" and I just lost it -

Ladybug whats your breakfast/lunch/snacks like? If your not getting enough then then that could be causing you to feel super hungry..

April,
I'm glad you are eating well I'm sorry to hear school is sooo crazy. I know how that is (I feel old now that I talk about school in the past). I''m glad you found a way to eat around your schedule, it can be tricky sometimes. And TOM cramps suck...I'm always so unproductive around that time.

You must be so excited about next month though I'm sure moving will take some getting used to, but at least you know you like your roommate!! Take it from someone with very bad experiences sharing apartments and stuff lol, that is a very good way to be moving out of your parents house.

Ladybug,
I'm sorry you had a rough night. I would second Sabrina's question about how you eat during the day. I used to restrict a lot all day and then eat a lot all night. I found eating more in the day helped a lot. Plus I know, no matter how well I eat in the day and at dinner, I get hungry at night. My metabolism is just like that, I need to eat fairly often, so I find it good to plan ahead for that, otherwise I reach for the junk food.

Also, are you sure your dinner was actually big enough? You mentioned a lot of veggies, which is really good, but veggies don't fill you up for very long.

Anyways sorry, you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, just trying to help. Not pressure you or anything. I'm still sorting out my eating right now and I know it's challenging.

Hi Sabrina *waves*
Hope you had a good day!