Support Groups

[die2live]

So I have a social problem. It started when I was rather young, I guess eight or nine, in the form of shyness. And even though I wouldn't consider myself shy now, I still cannot seem to make friends, at least not real friends. I have many casual friends, but I do not have anyone I can talk to or anyone who would come to me to talk to me.

I know this is a problem and I desperately want help for it. I am considering two options: online Christian counseling or an in-person support group. I am not rich by any means as I am attempting to struggle through college at the moment. I can pay something, but the cheaper the better. Does anyone know how I can get hooked up with a good Christian counselor or a good Christian support group? If I go with counseling, it has to be online because I don't want to explain this to my parents (part of my insecurity complex I guess). But if I go with a support group, I want it to be in-person, so it would have to be local. I tried googling but I didn't find many good answers.

Any suggestions? I'm really desperate and would appreciate any advice or referrals you can give me.

I live in Maryland (United States), if that helps (Obviously I don't want to narrow it down any more than that).

 

[ContentInHim]

Does your church have any groups for people your age? If so, are there others who feel the same? If so, perhaps you could all get together with an older person you admire in the church who might be able to work with all of you!

I have been to Christian counselling before - the fellow was sponsored by the church I was attending. It was wonderful! I got both sympathy and Biblical advice at a reasonable price. When I took the advice, I got better!

 

[dimwhitt]

where in MD are you???

i live in DC
and i find New life a great resource for counseling stuff
newlife.com

 

[JTLauder]

Also check with your college. Many universities have student services, either peer counseling or staff counselors as part of the student health services and it may be free.

It might not be the best you can get or offer any Biblical Christian advice, but if you're really struggling and need someone to talk to, that's why they are there.

 

[die2live]

Does your church have any groups for people your age? If so, are there others who feel the same? If so, perhaps you could all get together with an older person you admire in the church who might be able to work with all of you!

I have been to Christian counselling before - the fellow was sponsored by the church I was attending. It was wonderful! I got both sympathy and Biblical advice at a reasonable price. When I took the advice, I got better!

Thanks. I don't think my church has much to offer me. I've been going to the same church for about seventeen years (practically my whole life). When I was young, I connected with some friends, but as I got older, I just drifted away. Sometime in my high school years, I decided I wanted to have friends again, so I tried connecting again. I don't know. It just didn't work. I don't know if it was the people or if it was just me but for some reason, I just can't connect to the people there. It's a shame because they are all great people. In September, someone is starting a college and career group, which I will attend, assuming it fits in with my schedule. Maybe that will help, but it will be pretty small and the people going there already have a good friendship base. Maybe that's been my problem. Trying to fit in at high school age, everybody already has their close friends and it's difficult to penetrate the closeness. I don't see it being much different with this college and career group, though I will try. Thank you for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

where in MD are you???

i live in DC
and i find New life a great resource for counseling stuff
newlife.com

I live in the DC area so I will definitely look into that. Thanks a bunch!!

Also check with your college. Many universities have student services, either peer counseling or staff counselors as part of the student health services and it may be free.

It might not be the best you can get or offer any Biblical Christian advice, but if you're really struggling and need someone to talk to, that's why they are there.

I attend a community college, so their services aren't quite as wide spread as four-year colleges. I have been involved with a Christian campus group there for the past three years though (I started in high school) and have never been able to connect to anyone there either. Like I have friends, but no one I would just randomly call, or who would just randomly call me to go out for lunch or whatever. Makes me kind of scared. Not being able to connect with anyone from church makes sense because we have all known each other since very young ages. They all kind of have this image of me as the "shy girl," not interested in socializing or anything like that and that image is hard to break. But with the people from college, I had a fresh start and I still couldn't connect.

It's in God's hands; I will trust him. Thank you all for your advice. It means a lot to me just to have people listen and care.

 

[dimwhitt]

insurance will pick up most of the bill for counseling with a 20 or 25 $ copay

i have always sort of had the same problem with fitting in
i realized sometimes i just try too hard
and sometimes i feel so stupid
and sometimes i just dont know what to say
I also realized that i just put out this dont talk to me vibe sometimes
i am not sure why or where it comes from
i think it has alot to do with being raised in an alcoholic home

 

[ContentInHim]

dimwhitt - have you ever attended meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics or Alanon? My stepdaughter finds these pretty helpful!

 

[ContentInHim]

die2live - I've lived near DC on and off nearly my whole adult life. It's a tough town to be lonely in.

Have you considered joining groups which would have nothing to do with the kids who know you? Like a club where the members are there because of a common interest instead of a common history? You're a bit young for an old ladies Garden Club but what about something else?

There was a show the other night on which a 30 year old woman had been obese and had lost the weight through surgery and diet but all her friends still acted as though she were fat and so did she. So she moved from Houston to Austin and started a new life as a thin woman! Sometimes you just have to remake yourself into who you want to be.

 

[Robinsegg]

Could you ask your pastor if he knows of any groups in your area?
Rachel

 

[die2live]

Thanks guys. This is all really good advice. Content, I think you might be right. Maybe I just need to get out of where I've been my whole life and start over. I actually tried that about a year ago when I attempted to switch churches. It didn't work, but I think that might be at least partially because I got involved in a very exclusive and unhealthy relationship with a guy I knew. I'll be moving away to college in about a year, so that may be what finally pulls me out of this. In the meantime, I want to make sure I am "fixed" so that I don't blow that opportunity like I did with the group from the community college (hence the consideration of a support group or counseling).

Thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts and suggestions. I'm weighing all my options now, trying to figure out what God wants me to do. All of your suggestions are proving to be helpful for me during this time.

 

[BigNorsk]

It doesn't sound like you are really having a shyness problem which would basically prevent you from meeting people, it sounds more like you don't develop into the next level past just social friends.

That's kind of a chicken and egg thing.

You say there isn't anyone that you would call to just go out and have say coffee or anything. Fundamentally that's because you don't call anyone.

It sounds like you don't call because you don't have the feelings to call, but the thing is, you won't just get zapped with the feelings, you need to develop them. That takes calling.

It's good that you are involved in a few groups. Now I've had some training in groups, not so much for therapy but just what is necessary for any group to be strong and something that people really want to belong to. And if you aren't developing some fairly strong feelings for people in those groups it's because the leaders are not skillful and don't know what to do. They should be having the group doing bonding exercises.

See groups in order to be close need to do things together that kind of push people into doing something they are a bit uncomfortable with and then when they do it and they are still accepted or their acceptance actually increases, they bond, become friends. Most basic is a stand up and tell us about yourself. Then it might be write something on a slip of paper that no one here knows about you, then we are going to draw them out and guess who that is. And so on.

If you've ever been to a camp, they generally are really good at this. And they have a bunch of things that by the end of the week, people are like life long friends in many cases, feeling very close. Camps really know how to get people to bond.

It the same way in developing a friendship, it's really just that we then have a group of two. One of you does something that they feel a bit uneasy and exposed and the other accepts them. Or you both do it together, from sneaking a couple of cookies from Mom when you don't think she is looking, to telling about boyfriends, to whatever. You expose yourself, you feel maybe a bit shy and uncomfortable, but you do it anyway and your friend reciprocates. If you never do anything that doesn't make you a bit uncomfortable, it's very hard to be friends, you are more acquaintances. And you don't go too far, it's better to take little steps.

So if you want a friend, you have to start reaching out and exposing yourself and doing things together. It's really about that simple.

I don't know how severe your problem is and whether you actually need a professional counselor to help you take those steps to friendship. It doesn't sound like you are so shy that you can't meet people so I doubt that you really need one. The thing is for those groups that you do go to, you need to step up and get involved and then you will develop friendships. Volunteer to not just belong to the group, but do something for the group. Share of yourself.

Let's take that startup group at the church. Volunteer to give scripture for instance. Read the scripture and then tell the group something about yourself. Maybe a this scripture means a lot to me because when I was young I remember when my dog died, and I felt so horrible, and I was reading the bible and came to this passage and it was a real comfort to me, so I wanted to share it with you. That sort of thing.

Marv