I wanted to share my story and see if I could receive some advice and support from fellow Christians in this area. About 6 1/2 months ago, my boyfriend and I mutually decided to end our relationship. It is a rather long and complicated story, but basically we were on and off for about 16 months (more off then on), with the last 5 months being pretty serious. It was my very first relationship, and it was serious. And it started out pretty serious from the start. My ex boyfriend desired marriage, and he knew what he wanted and knew he liked me and saw a serious potential with me. Anyway, I am by nature a pretty reserved, timid, and cautious person, and I have grown up in an extremely conservative family (a lovely, dear family, which I am very thankful for). I also struggle with being pretty shy, and it can take me awhile to really begin opening up and being comfortable and "my self" with people. The whole dating/being with a guy thing was VERY new to me, and I was a complete novice. Basically, the reason why we ended up calling it off was because he and I both felt that my romantic feelings for him were not where they should be...basically that I didn't have feelings for him, whereas he totally did for me. I had entered into the relationship unsure of my feelings for him, but respecting him and wanting to get to know him better, and see if those feelings would develop and progress with time. But after 5 months of us seriously pursuing a relationship, I was still in question and limbo, and so he and I both felt it probably wasn't right and probably should be ended. So here's the kicker (and the reason why I am posting)...ending my relationship with him has been WAY harder for me than I ever thought it would be. I have started to have these feelings for him, and cannot seem to stop thinking about him.
I think about him all throughout the day, pray about it every day, and really wonder if it truly was right that we were not supposed to be together. He absolutely loved me unconditionally (through all my struggles and imperfections), always pointed me to Christ and to the cross, and we got along well. There just wasn't strong attraction or "spark," as some people call it. And granted, there were some things that maybe weren't my favorite, but that will be the case with anybody, won't it? Nobody is perfect. I have never experienced such unconditional love and care like that before (now granted he was my first relationship, I never dated, and I really don't have many close friends, and I can tend to be shy and not open up a ton). There are many things that I have learned through this whole experience (which I am thankful for), one of them being that I did not (and am still working through that) know myself, or know what I want/need in a guy. I am the type who I guess feels that you're supposed to wait for someone to "bull you over," so to speak..like instant (or quick) strong chemistry, etc, and I can struggle with being quite perfectionistic and idealistic (like "the perfect guy," type of mentality). My ex boyfriend (and many other people, including my parents) have said that "well, you either have it, or you don't" (when it comes to attraction/spark), and basically, that you'll know if you have it, so they have said that the fact I wasn't sure probably meant I didn't have it, and that the relationship wasn't right. The most frustrating part of this whole thing has been the fact that I feel like I have all these "feelings" for him now when the reason why we called things off in the first place was because I "didn't" have those feelings. Why do I feel this way? Why do I still struggle after over 6 months of separation? Why is it hard to think about being with another guy? Why have I not been able to let it go? Is it just me making up these feelings because of the hurt and pain? But why would I be making it up?Is it just an illusion because of grief? Is it just that I miss "being in a relationship and miss being loved and cared for by a guy (which is what my parents tend to think)? Am I struggling with holding onto something that is not the Lord's will for me? There has been a lot of confusion, and I have been seeking the Lord everyday for wisdom and grace to let it go if he and I were truly not meant to be together, but for him to work it out and bring us back together if that is His Will.
My parents (and others) say I must move on. That I must take every thought captive, and not allow myself to think about him anymore. I guess I'm more the type of (while seeking the Lord) just allowing time to heal/make sense of it all. But maybe I need to be more aggressive with letting it go. It is just so hard when you feel like you still love someone and that possibly something could/should have happened with it.
Anyway, I apologize in advance for this being so long. If anyone has taken the time to read this, I would love to hear other Christian's thoughts on my situation and hear any advice and support.
I think about him all throughout the day, pray about it every day, and really wonder if it truly was right that we were not supposed to be together. He absolutely loved me unconditionally (through all my struggles and imperfections), always pointed me to Christ and to the cross, and we got along well. There just wasn't strong attraction or "spark," as some people call it. And granted, there were some things that maybe weren't my favorite, but that will be the case with anybody, won't it? Nobody is perfect. I have never experienced such unconditional love and care like that before (now granted he was my first relationship, I never dated, and I really don't have many close friends, and I can tend to be shy and not open up a ton). There are many things that I have learned through this whole experience (which I am thankful for), one of them being that I did not (and am still working through that) know myself, or know what I want/need in a guy. I am the type who I guess feels that you're supposed to wait for someone to "bull you over," so to speak..like instant (or quick) strong chemistry, etc, and I can struggle with being quite perfectionistic and idealistic (like "the perfect guy," type of mentality). My ex boyfriend (and many other people, including my parents) have said that "well, you either have it, or you don't" (when it comes to attraction/spark), and basically, that you'll know if you have it, so they have said that the fact I wasn't sure probably meant I didn't have it, and that the relationship wasn't right. The most frustrating part of this whole thing has been the fact that I feel like I have all these "feelings" for him now when the reason why we called things off in the first place was because I "didn't" have those feelings. Why do I feel this way? Why do I still struggle after over 6 months of separation? Why is it hard to think about being with another guy? Why have I not been able to let it go? Is it just me making up these feelings because of the hurt and pain? But why would I be making it up?Is it just an illusion because of grief? Is it just that I miss "being in a relationship and miss being loved and cared for by a guy (which is what my parents tend to think)? Am I struggling with holding onto something that is not the Lord's will for me? There has been a lot of confusion, and I have been seeking the Lord everyday for wisdom and grace to let it go if he and I were truly not meant to be together, but for him to work it out and bring us back together if that is His Will.
My parents (and others) say I must move on. That I must take every thought captive, and not allow myself to think about him anymore. I guess I'm more the type of (while seeking the Lord) just allowing time to heal/make sense of it all. But maybe I need to be more aggressive with letting it go. It is just so hard when you feel like you still love someone and that possibly something could/should have happened with it.
Anyway, I apologize in advance for this being so long. If anyone has taken the time to read this, I would love to hear other Christian's thoughts on my situation and hear any advice and support.
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