Suicidal Obsession--hate it!

[anxious_thoughts]

My thoughts went to "what if I hurt others" to "what if I want to hurt/kill myself"...I have been on this theme for about two months.

I was doing really well with saying "it's OCD, it's not me. I will ignore it" and then I would move on. Then I started obsessing again. This week had a newstory about a kid who killed himself and one of my former students has now turned deeply suicidal. But I found myself wanted to hug him and I even sent him a note saying that he is deeply loved.

I guess I look at it like a disease--"what if I get suicidal" just like "what if I get the flu"...like it's against my will. But I think all OCD feels this way.

Plus I am hormonal and I think that intensifies my intrusive thoughts. They have been strong the last 2 days. Anyone else deal with this "theme"?

 

[tripletiger1200]

I've dealt with thoughts of self harm before, but it didn't disturb me that much. I think the key is to just let your obsessions go, and eventually you lose the fear and disgust and they fade away. With thoughts like that you have an advantage in that they don't pertain to your salvation, so they may not cause you as much anxiety. The thoughts and images still pop up sometimes, but they really don't bug me, and I can say the only reason that they don't is because God helped me relax about them.

 

[OCD=Owie]

I've had a bit of that theme, but nothing major for me personally. But what you said about your OCD is correct. Many people get that same feeling that they might suddenly "lose control" and do something horrific. That's very common amongst OCD sufferers, so you're not alone.

There's no easy way of just flicking the switch to these intrusive thoughts off. Basically, you just need to learn how to know when to let the thoughts go, and not judge them as good or bad. When a thought comes into your head, you just let it runs its course in your head without encouraging or discouraging it. Once you can master that, things get a lot better. But I personally think that learning that skill is something that is largely the battle of the individual suffering from obsessive thoughts. I mean, I knew a lot about OCD, even when my symptoms were bad, but that knowledged only helped me to a certain degree. Furthermore, other people who might tell me things like, "it's just your OCD, don't listen to it!" or "Don't worry about that!" didn't do a whole lot to help me get better. That isn't because they were doing a bad job helping me necessarily, but I just needed to figure things out myself.

Can others help us in our struggles with these thoughts? Absolutely! It can be extremely helpful just to discuss your thoughts with trusted people who understand your situation, even if those people don't have a diffinitive answer to your problems. Just talking and getting it all out helps. Also, others can give you helpful advice on how to best combat your thoughts.

However, my point is that I think there's sometimes a certain point where we really start to figure out where our thoughts come from and how they work. That's when our big breakthrough happens.

Of course, that's just some observations I've made of my own OCD. It's late, and I might be just blabbing at this point, so take what I say with a grain of salt...
But hopefully that's helpful!

 

[anxious_thoughts]

Yes, thank you, it does help! Like I said, this week was rough due to hormones and spikes in the news and in my life.

Now I am at a weird point--where the thoughts are still there (they just aren't as loud or as frequent), but I don't have the HIGH anxiety that I had early this week, so then I get to the point where I am like, "I don't have anxiety over the thoughts--does that mean I want to go it?!?!?!?!"

Then that doesn't give me anxiety and then I get worried that I don't have anxiety!

 

[gracealone]

Hi Anxious,
Just wanted to say that, yes the whole, "what if just lose control and kill myself" was an OCD theme that bugged me for awhile. (Fears of self harm.)
I remember at one point that I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be left alone, you know "just in case". I would think these thoughts when I was taking a pill... "what if you just dump the whole bottle down your throat!!" Fun... eh? Then of course, just like you if I let go of it and felt calm about it for awhile my thoughts would suggest; "this might mean you actually will do it, because you've just accepted the idea that you might!" So then it would feel urgent for me to get back to trying to reassure myself that I wouldn't kill myself, which is the compulsive side of the pure "O" cycle.
I got over that obsession a long time ago by ignoring it and even exaggerating it. It's funny that you bring it up though because a couple of weeks ago when I was taking my morning pills it popped into my brain again. So I decided to do major ERP on it and dumped the whole bottle of pills into my hand and just sat there looking at them and forced myself to say out loud; "Oh, no.. looks as if I might kill myself today!" Then I started cracking up at how absurd the whole thing was, put all the pills back and got on with my day. Stupid disorder!
Hope your still doing well. Hormonal shifts wreak havoc with my OCD too.
Mitzi

Yes, thank you, it does help! Like I said, this week was rough due to hormones and spikes in the news and in my life.

Now I am at a weird point--where the thoughts are still there (they just aren't as loud or as frequent), but I don't have the HIGH anxiety that I had early this week, so then I get to the point where I am like, "I don't have anxiety over the thoughts--does that mean I want to go it?!?!?!?!"

Then that doesn't give me anxiety and then I get worried that I don't have anxiety!

 

[anxious_thoughts]

Mitzi,

Thanks for your story. It lets me know that these thoughts are "normal" and so is the calm and then freak out of "I am calm--does it mean I want to?!?!" moment.

I have done the thing with the pills or if I see a razor or a ceiling. I would picture things...it's really dumb! I have tried to be funny about it and laugh.

This sounds weird, but did you ever do this: if something stressful happened, you were afraid that your brain would "use" that to convince you to hurt yourself? Don't know if that makes sense...

Your story also helped me know that I will get to a point where this will not bother me anymore because this theme has been by far the hardest I have had to beat. It's just hard because it makes you doubt everything--and doubting your life and if you want to live it is hard and scary!

 

[gracealone]

Hi Anxious,
It is nice to know your abnormally/normal when it comes to OCD. (At least I find it comforting.) I'm often so shocked at how similar obsessional themes can be - sometimes almost word for word as if the other person had been hanging out in my head.
I can't say that I've worried that stressful events would push my brain into suicidal mode but I can certainly see how OCD could give you that disturbing notion. Does this cause you to want to protect yourself from stressful situations? If so, that would be avoidance which if you allow yourself to do that, will legitamize the fear or give it validity which will make your OCD worse. Do your best to let thoughts like that just be there in your head but treat them as meaningless. The analogy of meaningless static in the background on the radio has helped me. It's like your trying to just live your life but you have these scary urgent thoughts blabbing in your head at the same time. You can learn to ignore them by letting them be there but not attending to them at all. This will help them to fade out over time.
Hope that helps a little bit.
Mitzi

Mitzi,

Thanks for your story. It lets me know that these thoughts are "normal" and so is the calm and then freak out of "I am calm--does it mean I want to?!?!" moment.

I have done the thing with the pills or if I see a razor or a ceiling. I would picture things...it's really dumb! I have tried to be funny about it and laugh.

This sounds weird, but did you ever do this: if something stressful happened, you were afraid that your brain would "use" that to convince you to hurt yourself? Don't know if that makes sense...

Your story also helped me know that I will get to a point where this will not bother me anymore because this theme has been by far the hardest I have had to beat. It's just hard because it makes you doubt everything--and doubting your life and if you want to live it is hard and scary!

 

[Murmur]

Maybe I could use a bit of help too... If it wasn't for my companion animal (cat), I might act on what my head is telling me to do.
I think of self-harm/suicide every day, but my cat needs food and water, so I have to stick around... at least for another 7-8 years.

Just feel lost and hopeless. Thanks.

 

[anxious_thoughts]

Murmur,

Does the self-harm/suicide thought bring comfort or anxiety? For me, it brought anxiety. I was AFRAID that I would feel hopeless. I don't think God would create us to only have us go crazy and harm ourselves.

One thing that I do when I wake up is think of 5 things to thank God for. That kind of helps me get out of my funk. It helps me set in with reality.

My mind has been calm more and more with each passing day. I pray that my self-harm/suicide obsession is getting better.

And I hope that you get better as well. Remember--"I know the plans I have for you. Plans to propser you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and future." --Jeremiah 29:11

 

[gracealone]

Hi Murmur,
I know this is a late response to your post but I just saw it.
Do you have OCD? Are the self harm thoughts really scary to you? I mean do they push in and intrude and make you afraid that you might act upon them because you thought them? With my OCD "self harm" thoughts it wasn't that I really wanted to die but more that I wouldn't be able to control myself because of the thoughts.
Feeling like you want to die because of severe depression because you feel that you just can't go on is different. I've felt that way too but that is different from the intrusive "self harm" thoughts of my OCD. Both kinds need treatment and therapy but suicidal thoughts because of severe depression aren't treated in the same way OCD obsessions are.
Just wanted to get clarity.
i'm sorry you are suffering so. i hopeyou do get some help.
Praying.
Mitzi

Maybe I could use a bit of help too... If it wasn't for my companion animal (cat), I might act on what my head is telling me to do.
I think of self-harm/suicide every day, but my cat needs food and water, so I have to stick around... at least for another 7-8 years.

Just feel lost and hopeless. Thanks.

 

[Murmur]

Hi Murmur,
I know this is a late response to your post but I just saw it.
Do you have OCD? Are the self harm thoughts really scary to you? I mean do they push in and intrude and make you afraid that you might act upon them because you thought them? With my OCD "self harm" thoughts it wasn't that I really wanted to die but more that I wouldn't be able to control myself because of the thoughts.
Feeling like you want to die because of severe depression because you feel that you just can't go on is different. I've felt that way too but that is different from the intrusive "self harm" thoughts of my OCD. Both kinds need treatment and therapy but suicidal thoughts because of severe depression aren't treated in the same way OCD obsessions are.
Just wanted to get clarity.
i'm sorry you are suffering so. i hopeyou do get some help.
Praying.
Mitzi

Yes, I have OCD, anxiety and bipolar depression issues. That's quite a load on my shoulders.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Murmur,
I'm not bipolar but I am well aquainted with several people who are. They are wonderful people who suffer tremendously because of their illness.
I hope that you are getting all the help you need and will pray that God will make His grace and love known to you in such a way that He can lay hold of your life and use it for His glory.
Mitzi

Yes, I have OCD, anxiety and bipolar depression issues. That's quite a load on my shoulders.