Stuck & Scared

[PureGrace]

Hi Everyone...

I am really struggling lately. I have started making more progress recently in counseling about overcoming this eating disorder. However, the closer I get to recovery, the stronger my fear becomes. Im so afraid to get better, to gain weight, to hate the way I look forever...

I have been eating more and when I do I feel terrible about it. With each new pound that appears on my scale, I want even more just to relapse and stop eating again. The feeling of hunger is so comforting to me. I always feel self concious around others because of the size that I see myself. Im just scared to change. I know why I need to get better, and thats why I am doing all this work in the first place...its just...I cant make myself stop feeling this way.

Sorry if I am rambling...I hope that made sense.

Kate

 

[eggity]

Hey Kate,

I am going through the same thing. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I sometimes panic when I've eaten a "normal" meal cos I'm afraid of putting on weight. But I guess the thing to remember is that living with an eating disorder isn't really living. Well, at least that's what I've found. So really it's a toss up between being super skinny and not enjoying life, or allowing yourself to be sort of normal and being able to make the most out of life. Anyway, just a few thoughts. I hope they're relevant.

I think you and I are on the same wavelength- we both like to ramble! So anyway, just want you to know you'll be in my prayers

 

[PureGrace]

Thanks for the reply and prayers, eggity. Sometimes it really does feel like I'm alone in this, so your words have helped. I will be praying for you as well.

Kate

 

[bumblebee62331]

Hi Everyone...

I am really struggling lately. I have started making more progress recently in counseling about overcoming this eating disorder. However, the closer I get to recovery, the stronger my fear becomes. Im so afraid to get better, to gain weight, to hate the way I look forever...

I have been eating more and when I do I feel terrible about it. With each new pound that appears on my scale, I want even more just to relapse and stop eating again. The feeling of hunger is so comforting to me. I always feel self concious around others because of the size that I see myself. Im just scared to change. I know why I need to get better, and thats why I am doing all this work in the first place...its just...I cant make myself stop feeling this way.

Sorry if I am rambling...I hope that made sense.

Kate

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I'm Kate too, hi

I usually read through the ED posts, but don't usually reply because, well I'm not exactly at a stage where I feel I could help anyone. But I had to reply to yours, if even just to let you know that you are not alone. It is so hard, but if you keep going at it, don't give in, you can recover.

*trigger*I am on my third? fourth? recovery and I am slipping again. It feels so bad, but not as bad as when I was gaining weight.*end trigger*

Do you have the support of some friends or family? That's the best thing you can do. Anorexia is a "secret illness" - that is, as soon as you start telling people and asking for help, it panics because it knows you are going to start getting help and getting better. Tell someone - even if it's just a close friend - and they can keep an eye on you. Sometimes, even knowing that someone else knows is enough to keep you eating.

Do you have a therapist? Maybe you need someone to talk to about your body image? You can eat as much as you want, but if you still look in that mirror and feel disgusted and terrified, you will not achieve your recoveries. You need the mental as well as the physical side of recovery.

I am praying for you and I'm here if you ever need to talk.

<3 Kate

 

[PureGrace]

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I'm Kate too, hi

I usually read through the ED posts, but don't usually reply because, well I'm not exactly at a stage where I feel I could help anyone. But I had to reply to yours, if even just to let you know that you are not alone. It is so hard, but if you keep going at it, don't give in, you can recover.

*trigger*I am on my third? fourth? recovery and I am slipping again. It feels so bad, but not as bad as when I was gaining weight.*end trigger*

Do you have the support of some friends or family? That's the best thing you can do. Anorexia is a "secret illness" - that is, as soon as you start telling people and asking for help, it panics because it knows you are going to start getting help and getting better. Tell someone - even if it's just a close friend - and they can keep an eye on you. Sometimes, even knowing that someone else knows is enough to keep you eating.

Do you have a therapist? Maybe you need someone to talk to about your body image? You can eat as much as you want, but if you still look in that mirror and feel disgusted and terrified, you will not achieve your recoveries. You need the mental as well as the physical side of recovery.

I am praying for you and I'm here if you ever need to talk.

<3 Kate

Hi there...

A few people know about my problem...my mom, and one of my very close friends. You are right about panicking because you know you will (have to) get better...thats kind of where I am.

Yes, I am seeing a counselor as well. I have been with her for about 4 months. It is short term counseling (free offered by my church) so soon I will be referred to a new (non church) counselor.

Thanks, Byootaful

 

[madison1101]

I am participating in an eating disorder treatment program that is part time, 15 hours a week, in the late afternoon and evening. There are several girls in my group who are anorexic and struggle as you are struggling. They have been hospitalized and had feeding tubes stuck in them to ensure they don't die.

I strongly recommend that you seek treatment before you get much sicker. Counseling with a free person at your church cannot compare to intensive treatment. Please get the help you need now.

Eating disorders are partly caused by us believing lies about food and our bodies. Intensive treatment will help with that.

 

[PureGrace]

I am participating in an eating disorder treatment program that is part time, 15 hours a week, in the late afternoon and evening. There are several girls in my group who are anorexic and struggle as you are struggling. They have been hospitalized and had feeding tubes stuck in them to ensure they don't die.

I strongly recommend that you seek treatment before you get much sicker. Counseling with a free person at your church cannot compare to intensive treatment. Please get the help you need now.

Eating disorders are partly caused by us believing lies about food and our bodies. Intensive treatment will help with that.

point taken...When I am referred out of where I am now, I will be seeing someone who specializes in EDs. I so fear getting better, and at the same time, it is all that I want.

 

[eggity]

Isn't it awful being stuck in that spot? You watch everyone else eat so normally and have a normal approach to food and think 'hey, that's where I want to be' but then there's a part of you that doesn't want to budge. I've been told that you just have to fight the feelings that hold you back from recovery because they are a lie from Satan. I know though... it's easier said than done...

 

[madison1101]

point taken...When I am referred out of where I am now, I will be seeing someone who specializes in EDs. I so fear getting better, and at the same time, it is all that I want.

I understand that fear very well. I have been in therapy for 15 years for my eating disorder and other things. I was stuck on so many things for years. I wish I had been in therapy much younger.

Each time you experience fear pray. Scripture says that God does not give us a spirit of fear...2 Timothy 1 :7"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. " Believe in the power of God to help you. The Holy Spirit is with you and will give you strength to get better.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[CoolMom6]

My heart breaks for allyou beautiful young girls. If I could let you look at my life then you would want to do whatever it takes. Don't give up, Christ died on that horrible cross for you to heal in all of this. It IS a LIE from satan. He does not deserve to have you. One day you will look back and be glad it is over. It will seem like that was a whole different person. It is, because the person in Christ is just waiting to come out and shine. Do not give glory to something that is not of Jesus. I do not know exactly what finally broke the bonds, but I used to pray out loud for satan to go and leave me alone. Do not give years of waste to him, like I did. I am older now, and I look back and wish I would've enjoyed all those years when I was young and beautiful and could love and live without a care. I wasted them by abusing my young healthy body, and now I am paying.

I would like to check on you girls, and pray for you all often.

Lots of Love,
CM4

 

[PureGrace]

My heart breaks for allyou beautiful young girls. If I could let you look at my life then you would want to do whatever it takes. Don't give up, Christ died on that horrible cross for you to heal in all of this. It IS a LIE from satan. He does not deserve to have you. One day you will look back and be glad it is over. It will seem like that was a whole different person. It is, because the person in Christ is just waiting to come out and shine. Do not give glory to something that is not of Jesus. I do not know exactly what finally broke the bonds, but I used to pray out loud for satan to go and leave me alone. Do not give years of waste to him, like I did. I am older now, and I look back and wish I would've enjoyed all those years when I was young and beautiful and could love and live without a care. I wasted them by abusing my young healthy body, and now I am paying.

I would like to check on you girls, and pray for you all often.

Lots of Love,
CM4

That is very inspirational, thank you Mom I appreciate your honesty

Kate

 

[Nan1]

Oh, Katie...what can I say, girl? It's all been said. Just know I love ya.