Struggling

[Mayflower1]

I have had a hard time with suicidal thoughts lately. Please keep me in prayer. I am trying to fight them, but I am just really tired of fighting depression. I'm looking into counseling, trying not to be alone. I'm just tired though I guess. Tired of fighting the same stuff over and over... God is my strength. I'm trying to lean on Him and not give into these thoughts. If I have to go back on watch at the hospital fine.

 

[Oregoner]

Hello: I am new in this forum. I found this site one of those days in my life when I was feeling as you felt when you posted this thread. I will pray for you Lily00, I have struggled with chronic depression for a while and probably will continue. I can say that because I struggled for so long that I hate this depression and I have to accept that I will continue having very bad days but I hate this depression and I refuse to let ruin all my life. Whenever I am feeling down I kind of roll with the punches the best I can and I try to use the tools that I have learned. When I am fine, I hit life so hard, I play sports, I go to the movies, I learn stuff. Is like I if I see a little sparkle those days and I remember to push myself those days that I feel better and enjoy the day that God has given me as much as I can. You have a beautiful quote and I pray that Christ helps you those days of uncertainty and that we all in this site can inspire each other during the difficult days. God bless

 

[Spunkn]

Sorry that you're having such a rough time. Having gone through periods of long & severe depression I know what it feels like.

But I know that God is awesome and can help you through it, like he did for me. If you need someone to just talk to, I'm usually available.

Praying for you

 

[Mayflower1]

yeh, I'm trying to roll with the punches and use the tools I have learned. I have a lot of good friends and family, but I have found it hard to open up about what is going on lately I guess. I'm trying. I don't give up without a fight. I just don't like feeling this way, and it has been constant for quite a few weeks now. If I don't feel safe after work, I may ask a friend to take me to the hospital again. At least I am on watch there. But I don't like that for one, and then I'm having a hard time opening up about it.

 

[Spunkn]

It's hard, and when I was going through depression, opening up to someone about it was just about the last thing I wanted to do. But it's one of the most important things you need to do. Just to talk to someone about it, to get it out of your system. The more you get it out of your system, the less power it holds over you.

 

[Mayflower1]

The Samaritans are great. They are like a free/confidential organization you can email or talk to. I've been talking to them about things. I know the signs of depression and everything and that this is not me. Suicide is just becoming more and more a prevalent thought in my mind lately. It is a very scary thought. And I don't want to do that to my friends and family.

 

[Spunkn]

Does your family have a history of depression? Or what started it? When did it start?

 

[Mayflower1]

yeh, all of my family does. I have struggled with depression all of my life. It is what makes it exhausting to deal with and keep fighting it. I know it is necessary, but it is hard.

 

[Spunkn]

Have you looked into medication? Part of it could be physical, that you just need some medication to help with if your family has a history of it. I know that it made a big difference for me, in even being able to deal with the depression. I thought for the longest time I was doing something wrong, or that I could beat it by myself, but I just needed some medication to even take a step forward.

 

[Mayflower1]

I started taking prozac again a few weeks ago. I had to go into the hospital for a few days because of the suicidal thoughts and they put me on it. I have been feeling better, but my suicidal thoughts have gotten worse. I had missed my last appointment because my ride cancelled at the last minute. I'm tired of doctors though. I'm trying to get through this. I know I need to open up to someone face to face. It just has been hard to do that at this time. What keeps me fighting, is I don't want to ruin my testimony. I'm not afraid of death. I am afraid of suffering before dying. It is strange talking about that. But it has been on my mind a lot. I have to go through the motions even though I don't feel like it right now. It is was I have been trained to do. I am just feeling drained and exhausted though. And finals are next week. It is hard to focus on anything. So just keep me in prayer. I know typing out stuff helps. Why I started the post. It is frustrating to feel this way time after time again. I will be going well for awhile and then I will just get depressed again. And the up and down is very overwhelming.

 

[Spunkn]

Well everyone tells me over and over, the meds usually take a while to kick in. Usually at least 4 weeks or more.

Depression is exhausting, it sucks the life out of you. Drains the energy you need for regular life, so that you don't have any left.

Will be praying for you.

 

[Mayflower1]

yeh. I took prozac before, so hopefully it will help soon. Thanks for the prayers.

 

[Spunkn]

You said that you have good friends and family. I would lean on them for support. Open up to someone you trust. It won't ruin your testimony. We have this fear, as Christians, that if we admit that we struggle with things, people will see our faith as weak. But that's not true at all. Christians struggle just as much as other people. It's -how- we struggle that makes the difference. Our hope lies in Christ, not in the world. If your family and friends truly love you, they will not think less of you for struggling, but they will want to help you through it. It's hard being vulnerable to people. Allow them to see our hurts, and our faults. But in sharing, it brings comfort to others, for they too have their own struggles and fears.

 

[Mayflower1]

oh, I know that. I mean, suicide would ruin my testimony. It is why I fight. To glorify Christ in this body. I just want to be with Him sometimes though. Life just seems long. But it just makes us stronger people by getting through these low times.

 

[Spunkn]

oh, I know that. I mean, suicide would ruin my testimony. It is why I fight. To glorify Christ in this body. I just want to be with Him sometimes though. Life just seems long. But it just makes us stronger people by getting through these low times.

I find that very admirable for you to say that, even while you are having those thoughts.

 

[Woven]

^^^ I agree! I think it's great that you can say that in the midst of what you're feeling.

Just keep speaking God's word over your life. Over and over.
You are able (Philippians 4:13), you are blessed (Ephesians 1:3), you are cherished (Ephesians 5:29), you are a conqueror (Romans 8:37) and God is for you (Romans 8:31)

The God who parted the sea, rained down manna from heaven, shut the lions' mouths, healed the sick, calmed the sea and raised the dead is on YOUR side!

Praying for you.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry things are so hard, sweetie. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things - praying that the meds start to work soon, and the thoughts lift.

It would probably help to talk to a councelor if you can - you're right about the fact that talking helps, and sometimes talking to someone who isn't involved in your life is easier than opening up to fammily or friends.

If you want a listening ear online, PM me any time

 

[Mayflower1]

Well, I have some bittersweet news. I had been struggling so much, I had to go in the hospital before I did anything. The thoughts were getting very strong, I was afraid of asking on impulse and do what I was thinking, like I have before with self-injury, soI went in Friday and have been here for almost a week. I will be discharged tomorrow. I am feeling a lot better. They increased my prozac and put me on lithium and atarax. I got my fight back and so can go back to school. Keep me in prayer. Finals are coming up, and I just want to be able to manage my mental health, along with school, and other things in life. I think I have accepted that I will probably have to fight this for the rest of my life. But I know it has definitely deepened my relationship with God in the fight. I just got tired and needed a step out for awhile, but I am ready to return back tomorrow.

I definitely will be getting in therapy again, and maybe Celebrate Recovery if I find one. Since summer is coming up, I will have more time flexibility. Thank you for your prayers. For the most part, the suicidal thoughts have dissipated, and I am encouraged.

I made the best of things here in the hospital though. We have groups, and since the counselor saw how I liked crafts, she had me help coordinate a group for everyone to made like crafty posters with affirmations and Bible verses on them. We posted them all over the Crisis Intervention Unit where I am at right now.

 

[Spunkn]

That's great news! I'm happy for you

 

[Mayflower1]

thank you. I'll be glad to get out and feeling much, much better. It was helpful typing stuff out and finally coming forward and sharing with a friend about it. It is hard being vulnerable, but it is worth it.