Struggling.

[Soulwings]

I am being hit by memories of stuff that happened in 2002/3 and 2005 today... I don't know why.

And I don't know how to handle it.

I feel like a liar, because I don't know if it really happened.
I don't even know what "it" is classified as. Sexual assault or sexual molestation. The line is not clearly defined, but does it really matter?
What if it was just sincerely meant affection read completely wrong?

I am struggling.
I am scared.
And I can't talk with anyone about it. Not my therapist, not my NP, not my fiancé, not my parents - DEFINITELY not my parents...

...so I feel really alone.

And I am scared...

 

[Criada]

((((((((((Soulwings)))))))))))) (if hugs are ok)

I know how that is, sweetie... so sorry you are having to deal with it now.
If you need to talk, anytime, I'm here, ok?

Is there anyone at all in 'real life' sis? Talking is horribly hard, but..it does help, in the end.
Writing it down helps me a huge amount... just getting it 'out there', even if no one is going to read it...

Praying for you very much, sweetie.

 

[Soulwings]

Hugs are fine; thanks, Criada.

Writing it down just makes it worse. I've written about it so much in the past... and now it just seems like a figment of my imagination, something I've made up and am just bringing up now because I have nothing else to worry about. (Which is pretty much a lie - even I can see straight through that one - but being able to be logical about things like this is pretty near impossible.)

I mentioned to a friend who has been verbally abused that I was having trouble with memories and flashbacks today and she kind of brushed it off... which makes sense because having gone through what she's gone through, I doubt that she'd want to talk about anything remotely related to flashbacks. But it didn't help at all.

I don't know what to do. I feel rubbishy about it, yet detached at the same time... earlier I was more caught up in the emotional part of it... now I just wonder if it really happened.

I do feel dirty.
I do feel violated.
I do feel like it was my fault.

Yet I am still not sure if it wasn't just affection... but wrong, so wrong... why would he do that to someone if he doesn't even do it to his own daughters? (then again, maybe that would be even more messed up?)

I can't talk about it with my fiancé, because he just gets upset over it... angry even...

 

[Criada]

Sweetie... I know... and, I'm not just saying that... I fight those feelings every day.
And the trite answers don't work... because your heart doesn't always listen to your head.

I don't know what happened, but, sweetie, if you feel this bad, something did! It's not your imagination.
And.. i know you have heard it hundreds of times, and I know that however much you know it, you can't feel it.. but, it really, really wasn't your fault!!!

Wish there were some way I could make that seem true for you.

Praying, sweetie.

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks, Criada.

I'm going to make it through this. It comes in waves, and I can never anticipate when the next one will be...

...sleep is a good place to hide, since I rarely dream about these things (which is a wonderful, wonderful thing)... but I have been sleeping too much lately... have been dragged out of bed tonight because I was getting ready to doze off at 7:30pm.

Wish that things would be easier.

 

[sidnee]

I do feel dirty.
I do feel violated.
I do feel like it was my fault.

Remember this, feelings are not facts. You arent dirty, And it isnt your fault. Your the victim left to live life with a void. Imo, you wouldnt have the feelings you have if something didnt take place. But, sometimes denying reality is nicer than facing the dragons. In another thread, someone said that dragons shrink when they are brought to light. And I agree. Find someone you can trust and talk to them. And, it'd probly be worthwhile to explain to your fiance that while you understand why hes upset and even angry, you need to him to be calm. Its a part of understanding who you are. Hope it lets up soon for you!

 

[FaithfulWife]

Soulwings~

I am going to try to not be too graphic for you okay, but I will tell you that in my lifetime I was sexually abused by a parent and I was raped. Now, I did not report either the sexual abuse or the rape because by the legal standards of the law I have no conclusive "evidence" but that does not mean it didn't happen. It just means that the things that could have "proved" it to other people in a legal court are not there. It DEFINITELY happened!!! And I definitely to this day react to some situations and events in ways that prove to me that it DID occur.

So sweetie, we love ya! We're here. If you can not talk about it to your parents, fiance, and therapist, maybe you can tell one of us and maybe you choose not to right now. If you'd like I'll tell you about what happened to me and maybe you could say "yeah it was sorta like that".

But here's one thing I've learned to do for me when I'm having bad PTSD flashbacks. I don't know about you, but when I have waves of flashbacks, it really feels to me as if I'm right back there and it's all happening again. That just FREAKS ME OUT! Even my body reacts like it's back there--I can feel it and smell it and everything. But one little part of my head knows that I'm not really back there again--I'm really here in the present. So what helps me is that I'll do something very sensor in the here-and-now. For example, I was reading a book recently and unknown to me there was a rape scene and it COMPLETELY surprised me and COMPLETELY triggered me to where I was shaking and crying and just MAD!!!! Anyway, I recognized that it was a flashback after a second, so I put that book down for the night, and went outside and walked in my flower garden and used my five senses:

See--beautiful roses and peonies
Hear--the sound of the tinkling wind chimes
Smell--the roses and the mint in my garden
Taste--the mint and make some mint tea from scratch
Touch--the softness of the rose petals.

When I do something very specific to the five senses in the here-and-now, it helps me to leave "there" and be "here" and helps me to realize I am HERE and SAFE.

I hope this helps lovely Soulwings and you can always PM me any time. I will warn you though I am slow at replying...as I usually talk WAY too much and I like to think about what I'm going to say


~Faithful

 

[Angeldove97]

Just saying one little thing... I know the feeling. It was a year before I admitted anything and my roommate who saw it kept telling me what it was. I couldn't believe her because it was too painful. I blamed myself, I hated myself, I didn't think it was a big deal.

But it is a big deal and its scary and sometimes you can never put it into words because they're utterly too terrifying and at the same, it doesn't make any sense.

I can't say much else, but yes what you're feeling does make sense to me

 

[Soulwings]

Thank you so much for your replies, ladies... I can't express how much it means to me - all of the support I am getting here is more than I could ever have hoped for. May God bless you all for reaching out to help another.

Last night was a horrible night... Jarrod (fiancé) was here and he couldn't even touch me - no hugging, no cuddling, and even holding hands was very, very hard. I called my T and told her what I had been doing - digging for more memories, trying to find things that made sense - and she applauded me for doing hard work but wasn't very helpful - I suppose because there really wasn't anything more for me to do. I was talking with Jarrod some, I was journalling it out, and I was talking about it with you all on here. But that upset me.

I have two particular memories from high school that keep cropping up and cropping up... verbal abuse, both from freshman year... seems like it should be too long ago now to matter, but I guess that you can relive any memory if it's strong enough.

I am beginning to see now that the molestation/assault was only part of the problem... it was a whole downward trend as soon as I started high school. I was in a private high for 2 years, prior to which I had been homeschooled for 7 - culture shock, I was still very naive and young, didn't really even realize that there was such a thing called self esteem until I left the high school after sophomore year and had no self esteem left. Freshman year was when the depression hit... and continued getting worse until I was hospitalized 3 years later (thought that being depressed was normal since I had been that way for so long, didn't think anything of it until I attempted suicide).

Long story short, I started cutting 5 months after I left that high school, and my ED began to develop 10 days after the assault in 2005. So... there are so many more pieces to the puzzle than I really fully understood before.

I hope that makes sense. I am just getting my morning coffee now, so my thoughts are a bit fuzzly.

Faithful, thank you for your suggestions... that is what I do when I get hit with an anxiety attack (seems like I have all the problems in the book, haha)... try and live in the present. It is so hard to remain "grounded" when panic hits or when memories hit - had a hard time with that last night as well.

Do any of you understand what I mean when I say that I was feeling so many emotions that I couldn't name them all? and that I don't even know if any of them actually had names?

Thanks so much... again... I am awed at the support I get on here. Am thanking God today for CF and its wonderful members!

 

[Criada]

Do any of you understand what I mean when I say that I was feeling so many emotions that I couldn't name them all? and that I don't even know if any of them actually had names?

Yes... I know exactly what you mean!
Keep going, sweetie, you are doing incredibly well... it is so very difficult to face the memories... but, once you have looked at them and faced them, I think they lose their power.. and one day, you will have dealt with all of them.
Keep going... but, don't push yourself too hard, sweetie.
It's ok to stop and breath and just 'be' for a bit.. spend some time doing something you enjoy, and put it down for a few hours. It's hard, i know... but it *is* ok, sweetie... you can have a break sometimes.
I don't know whether that makes any sense.. ignore it if not!

Praying for you, sister

 

[Soulwings]

Criada, it does make sense... but it is so hard to try and forget about the memories for a little while... so hard. I am sure you understand this, too...

In church today I went down to the altar during prayer, and cried there... couldn't face the crowd of people in church afterwards so Jarrod and I left to talk someplace quiet (coffeeshop)... felt like such a loser.

I don't know how on earth I'm going to handle the memories and digging up more and trying to piece together the puzzle pieces while going to uni at the same time. I never asked for this. 'Course, no one does... but still... it is so hard!!

 

[Johnnz]

You can't just forget about memories. The past needs to be reframed with Jesus, so you have new concepts and foundations for experiencing change. Wise counsel, loving support and specific prayer are so helpful, plus time to address issues and work through them. There are no 'instant fixes' for abuse. The right people who allow the life of Jjesus to reach you through them can be pillars for you in rebuilding your life.

John
NZ

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I do feel dirty.

You are not dirty. You are beautiful and worthwhile.

I do feel violated.

You were violated sweetie, but you didn't ask for it, and you couldn't help it. It doesn't really matter which classification it fits under, all that counts is that you are broken and damaged by something that someone did to you.

I do feel like it was my fault.

It is in no way your fault. I have been raped, I have been molested, I have been all the lines in between and I can say with full assurance, that just as I did not ask for it to be done to me, you did not deserve what you have received and you are not at fault in ANY way shape or form.

I have read many of your posts and I can say I think you're tremendous person. I am so very and terribly sorry for what has been done to you. I wish that I could reverse what has been done, I wish I could take it from you just so you wouldn't have to feel hurt and alone, but I assure you, dear one, that you are not alone. There are many of us here who have walked where you have, or similiar places at least, and in that, we will support you just as we have supported one another.

I understand what it is like to not be able to talk to anyone about what has happened, but just as Criada first invited her PM box and you to borrow her ear, I am doing the same. If you EVER want to talk, please, never hestitate to PM me and I will listen without reservation.

You are not alone.

 

[Angeldove97]

Do any of you understand what I mean when I say that I was feeling so many emotions that I couldn't name them all? and that I don't even know if any of them actually had names?

Oh yes, I know what you mean--- though thank God I haven't felt like that recently. But yes, there are times where I felt every single emotion that ever was described and then some. And it scared the daylights out of me to be like that--- I can't even imagine how Sean must of felt when I would be in a ball crying, not listening to a word he was saying, and he'd either have to leave me alone in a corner or fight against me until he was holding my arms down and hugging me. (Not forceful at all--- it was for my own good that I let out of my pain and let someone who loves me very much comfort me)

It's been almost 6 years for me--- and only now have I finally been able to tell others (even strangers) about my life. Apparently it's a cross that others have carried as well--- maybe it can do some good for others who are suffering to see a Lady surviving it. (Even though I hate being called a survivor and don't want anybody's pity) But yes, you can work through every little and huge hurt in your soul--- it may take you years and trust me Sweetie, I still have PLENTY of healing to do. But finally I can take a deep breath and know that tomorrow it'll get better and better the day afterwards.

Let those emotions play through themselves, let them out, and let your Sweetheart do his job--- let him comfort you, even if the thought of being touched scares you to death. I found that I would calm down alot faster when Sean would have his arms wrapped around me and just keep telling me "I love you, it'll be alright..." over and over again.

I know that was God's way of helping me when I was losing it--- having Sean be my physical rock there and then. And thank you for trusting us here at CF with your story-- that's a huge step to healing. I've done more healing this past year while speaking about what has happened to me, than in the 5 years prior to me not telling anybody

Be blessed

 

[Angeldove97]

Criada, it does make sense... but it is so hard to try and forget about the memories for a little while... so hard. I am sure you understand this, too...

In church today I went down to the altar during prayer, and cried there... couldn't face the crowd of people in church afterwards so Jarrod and I left to talk someplace quiet (coffeeshop)... felt like such a loser.

I don't know how on earth I'm going to handle the memories and digging up more and trying to piece together the puzzle pieces while going to uni at the same time. I never asked for this. 'Course, no one does... but still... it is so hard!!

I'm sorry to hear that the memories were too much today for you Your story reminded me of the first time I went down in front of a church--- it was to pray and ask Jesus into my heart. And I cried and cried and cried and screamed and cried so much--- because I felt dirty too and I couldn't understand why Jesus died for this dirty sinner, but here He was loving me and making me a heavenly princess.

Whatever may have happened to you, remember this: to Jesus you are STILL that heavenly Princess. And that will never change! No sin brought against you can make Jesus take away your salvation--- His most precious gift to you.

I think knowing that, it really helped me to get through this horrible situation. I still have this beautiful crown to wear when I get to heaven, I'm still a part of His royal priesthood! He calls me His own and I know that won't ever change.

I pray this will comfort you, as it has comforted me. And I'm not saying you don't deserve to have your bad days, we all do--- but know that Jesus very much wants to be by your side on those bad days, even more than He does on the good ones.