struggling

[HoneyComb Son]

I have posted here quite abit on my struggles..quite abit indeed..and though people have given me great advice I am still struggling.

I wont go into the past or much detail..but i have to do something I guess

God and I are not doing well..well myself....I have fallen away..struggling with sin..and I cant bring myself to truly repent..because I hate God so much..so much in fact..to keep doing what I am doing..

I have tried and tried to get to know God..for Who He is..but it has not worked at all..I still dont know who The real God is..as in the past...I have been decieved so much about God...by false dreams and visions.and demonic attacks..so my view of God was not good..

nothing seems to hit my heart..I am just so closed off..not wanting to let anybody in my heart..even God..doesnt matter what is said..

i dont understand..its gotten to the point again and again..where I am not even seeking help anymore...pretty much given up...and dont talk to God as often

I know people mean well..and say good advice..sometimes though..they tell me things that re-inforce my beliefs about God..I just cant see God as good..i know alot of people will not understand..its not what you think or what you read....if people could understand what I am trying to tell them..it would be different..that is my fault i guess..

I have gotten so far..that i dont care even more..where i part..a big part of me...would rather to go to hell then be with God..that is honesty..it isnt a lie

i cant see God for Who He is..or know atleast...i dont expect much from Him at all..i hate him so much as to just walk away..forget him..even worse..somtimes i desire to say things that would hurt him..as that is what i want to do

people will say things..that dont help..like please understand..its not what you think..

maybe I am just saying this to get it off my chest.before i go my own way..which is what i know I will do..because i hurt so much..so deep...i cant turn around..it hurts to much to think of God

I dont care no more...sigh...no matter how i try..i still see God as a tyrant..nothing more.nothing less..no respect for Him...

sigh.i know i will be railed..or condemned..alot of you will try to defend Gods side..saying repent..yadda yadda yadda..

i see the same thing i keep seeing.i try and open my heart to give it a chance....but i still see what i see..

 

[malckiah]

Well, you have made it clear.....you said it yourself.....you will not be convinced.....you will not change how you feel. And that i can do nothing about. But there is one thing that you are not considering.......God is God and God is Loving and wonderful and good! And whether or not you believe that or think it to be so........He still is!

2Ti 2:11 This is a faithful saying:

For if we died with Him,
We shall also live with Him.
2Ti 2:12 If we endure,
We shall also reign with Him.
If we deny Him,
He also will deny us.
2Ti 2:13 If we are faithless,
He remains faithful;
He cannot deny Himself.


God is Love! God is good! God is in control! God loves you! Jesus died for your sins! These are facts whether you believe them or not......God Bless!

 

[Peregrino]

I have posted here quite abit on my struggles..quite abit indeed..and though people have given me great advice I am still struggling.

I wont go into the past or much detail..but i have to do something I guess

God and I are not doing well..well myself....I have fallen away..struggling with sin..and I cant bring myself to truly repent..because I hate God so much..so much in fact..to keep doing what I am doing..

I have tried and tried to get to know God..for Who He is..but it has not worked at all..I still dont know who The real God is..as in the past...I have been decieved so much about God...by false dreams and visions.and demonic attacks..so my view of God was not good..

nothing seems to hit my heart..I am just so closed off..not wanting to let anybody in my heart..even God..doesnt matter what is said..

i dont understand..its gotten to the point again and again..where I am not even seeking help anymore...pretty much given up...and dont talk to God as often

I know people mean well..and say good advice..sometimes though..they tell me things that re-inforce my beliefs about God..I just cant see God as good..i know alot of people will not understand..its not what you think or what you read....if people could understand what I am trying to tell them..it would be different..that is my fault i guess..

I have gotten so far..that i dont care even more..where i part..a big part of me...would rather to go to hell then be with God..that is honesty..it isnt a lie

i cant see God for Who He is..or know atleast...i dont expect much from Him at all..i hate him so much as to just walk away..forget him..even worse..somtimes i desire to say things that would hurt him..as that is what i want to do

people will say things..that dont help..like please understand..its not what you think..

maybe I am just saying this to get it off my chest.before i go my own way..which is what i know I will do..because i hurt so much..so deep...i cant turn around..it hurts to much to think of God

I dont care no more...sigh...no matter how i try..i still see God as a tyrant..nothing more.nothing less..no respect for Him...

sigh.i know i will be railed..or condemned..alot of you will try to defend Gods side..saying repent..yadda yadda yadda..

i see the same thing i keep seeing.i try and open my heart to give it a chance....but i still see what i see..

"i still see God as a tyrant" > You're mentally representing God as a tyrant, and that is what you're struggling with. God is love, and that's what he offeres you. He doesn't kick people who are in a moment of weakness. Maybe the judgemental voice of God you hear is actually the voice of your impatience and lack of love for yourself.

We sometimes forget that God doesn't live in our head. God isn't our cobwebs, he's the light and the warmth that promotes growth and that we constantly resist.

"a big part of me...would rather to go to hell then be with God..that is honesty..it isnt a lie" > This is understandable. I wouldn't be "bedfellows" with your judgemental and stern vision of God. We have created an idol of our own agressive projections. Of course we don't feel the love that way, it's no wonder.

"Love each other": Yes, but we must first love ourselves as images of God that we are. We have been taught such a thing as self love is egotism, but it's not: We are the sinner in dire need of forgiveness.

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Hi there. It is good you are being honest about how you feel and the state of your heart.
What you feel or think does not change who God is, and God is love.
I sense alot of anger inside you towards God which would explain why you love your sin and see Him as a tyrant. Maybe you are blaming Him for things in your life that haven't gone well. But we reap what we sow.
Your destructive thinking will bring about destruction in your life.
If you would rather have hell - well God wouldn't rather you have that place of eternal torment. You will send yourself there if you refuse to want to beleive that you need your sins forgiving. Once you have a relationship with Jesus and you're still seeing God as a tyrant, you do not know God as He really is. He wants you to know Him as a loving Father and to stop beleiving the devils lies.
You are in a dangerous place if you will not use your will and ask God to help you to repent and for Him to show you who He is. Your rebellion through sin will hurt you and harms others. I also sense alot of bitterness in your heart towards God and it is a poison that will take root and spoil the blessings God wants you to enjoy. One of them is peace of mind. Ask God to soften the hardness in your heart and then you will feel less rebellious. Unless you are willing to change no one can help you. God will not force His way into your life. He wants to help you, He wants you to be free but being angry and bitter and rebellious will keep you trapped.
You have a choice. God can heal your hurts and set you free - give you peace. Humble yourself and admit you can not change yourself and how you see Him. He knows why you see Him as a tyrant, but if He was a tyrant then Jesus would not have died for you, to set you free from the sin and pain in your heart.
Give God a chance in your life - do not have the devil as your master and the one you obey through sin. The devil hates you and wants to stop you knowing God as the loving God, He is. Stop blaming God for your troubles and being rebellious - you need Him.
The enemy has deceived you into thinking the way you think, so that he can destroy you and you go to hell. That is his plan. God came to give you life - eternal life, abundant life - of joy and peace. That is not the heart of a tyrant. It is the heart of a loving God.

I pray you stop being disobedient and come to your senses and be real with God and desire for Him to change your heart.
He showed His love for you by dying on the cross. Come to Him and be healed and set free. You have no hope without him.
Don't let your pride stop you from having the best life you could have - which is discovering that God really does love you. He is merciful and loves you with an everlasting love. God does not lie.
Demonic forces are telling you what you have been believing - ask God to set you free. For it is the devil, who is the father of all lies, and it is a lie that God is a tyrant. Stop beleiving a lie. Your pride is the cause of what you say and think. Let go of your pride. It is not a case of you can't, it is a case of you do not want to.
When you are ready to admit you need God to help you, to show you that He is love, you will find that how you see Him will change over time.
Pride often hides in a hurting heart - admit you need Him and He'll help you.
Praying you'll come to know God as He really is - a loving God who cares for you and longs to set you free.
G-H

.

 

[dimwhitt]

i would like to know what has made u angry at God?

 

[Peregrino]

i would like to know what has made u angry at God?

I think it's pretty clear. IMHO, and correct me if I'm wrong Honeycomb, but, I believe his source of frustration is the inability to satisfy his view of God.

I sense alot of anger inside you towards God which would explain why you love your sin and see Him as a tyrant. Maybe you are blaming Him for things in your life that haven't gone well. But we reap what we sow.

I don't think it's fair to tell HoneyComb Son (HCS, from here on) he "loves his sin" without knowing what he's talking about. I would like to know, but I respect HCS's decision and privacy.

Sometimes the tests we go through are excuciatingly hard. There is a reason, no doubt. But I sincerely believe that tests are opportunities for growth, their a signal that things aren't right and that the way we've been handling them are not precisely "Godly". HCS, He loves you, and He wants you near, but not without your contribution.

If you can't see the way out, pray and seek council. Jesus instituted the Community (congregatio, in Latin, ekklesía, in Greek, from where we get our word "ecclesiastical", i.e. pertaining to the Church or Congregation) to help us along the way. There was always a community, even in Christ's earthly ministry. The resources are there. Don't let temptation, in the guise of fear, scrupulous guilt and, above all shame, convince you. It's temptation telling you "Don't seek help! They don't understand! Don't pray! God doesn't understand!" Just don't fall for it.

I'ts God's call. Help is on the way. But you must trust. Get off your seat and start walking!

 

[madison1101]

The way you get to know God is to read His Word. I would encourage you to get into a BIble study with other believers and learn about Him, and HIs awesome love and grace and forgiveness.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

sigh...i wont say what i want to say..but i will talk about it..though i have so much

i have tried to tell alot of people here what I am going through..i seem not to be able to write it in words..as myself cant go to those places that hurt me..because of intense fear..and what others will say..usually condemnation or a lack of understanding

I dont hide from God at all..i talk to Him about everything even if I am here..I am sorry for what i do..and i tell him all the secrets of my heart..i confess it all..even my pride..everything..i dont hide....i do this

alot of people dont understand..i try to tell people..i cant even put it into words..I sin because i fear..because i know alot of deception has been in my life..that I know.and I know satan has told alot of gruesome lies about God..and i have heard alot of truth..i am thankful for people who have helped me so far

I do have a choice..that i dont deny

it is hard to follow God.when what you learned.and even thought God was..i cannot say something I want to say....I hope this will do..everything i think of experienced christianity was..it hurt me so deep..i learned alot of things i question now.I believe in Spiritual gifts..it all..dreams and visions..well this is one area i believe I am gifted in

I used and still do get visions or dreams every night..but before i learned what I know now..it is different

I learned I was big time decieved by satan in dreams and visions..I thought alot of things where from God.showing me things...but it all wasnt..as these dreams often hurt me..and left me in fear..they were "angels of light" pretending to be God..Jesus or Holy Spirit..they would tell me things..that seemed and looked godly..things that sounded true..but left me confused and in fear.I didnt know better

but I thought that was all God..telling me things..things that hurt me so much.as i didnt know better..and was devoted to God...I thought well God could mean this...I was giving up all for Him..

it wasnt Him though.as i tested these spirits..only to find them denying Christ.and saying their master was satan..so i was left totally confused.as everything i learned was in the light..so i didnt know what to do

i know it sounds so clear as i say this..if it was..i would be loving God..but what i thought was God..which i know now wasnt..hurt me so deep..learning from evil spirits to what God was..well you know what that is

But i dont know why..i know some where from God..so I can say i am left confused..what was from God..so I protect myself..because of the things i heard..though alot was from satan....i dont know about other things that deeply hurt or make me worry..

i dont love sin.i sin because i fear..and any love for sin..is because i fear..because what i know God to be and "feel" like..brings anxiety...i feel like the God i was following was not God at all..but satan..and i was following Him alot..thinking it was God..but was not

so everything i learned and thought the kingdom was..i have learned is not of God..but been demonic forces confusing me in the night..torementing me

So i am left complexed and confused..protecting myself because what happened..fear..torement and teachings of so called from God..but where not....

i hope I am making sense..that is why it is hard to see God as you do..because what happened..it is hard to talk about things that happened..and believe..because fear of the unpardonable sin.keeps me from seeing something that makes me go into dread...

i am left confused unable to accept things..because the lies or things or whatever prevent me too

i try hard to believe..but there is too much..affraid of what if..what if..what if...if from God or not

people say this or that.but I get alot of lack of compassion..i go to God..as i know He understands.but it is hard to hear from Him..i read the word..but it brings anxiety and i cannot get what i know is right...as I am so closed off from recieving..i have prayed..and prayed

i honestly cannot trust God for a day...as that would bring back the anxiety and fear...making me feeled controlled

if i spoke things that where deeply hurting my heart..i know you would condemn me..as you would not understand..as you would have to know it youself..

I am sorry for posting so much..to all the people here
take this however you want..i dont expect much..all i hope deep down is to hear from God..because nothing so far as hit home..its been years

i want to say things that hurt me deeply..if i could where i live..i would..but i cannot where i live..due to transportation and what is around here

think of it this way..there is alot here....what i believe is not right..how the life Jesus spoke of to me..is what i fear.i do not know it..what i know it to be..hurts me

it is like this...the words "Love is kind"..that is good..you know it to be true and good...but to me..deep in my heart..i think that is bad..and selfish..though i know it to be not

i dont want people to tell me how bad I have been..or pride..I tell God it all..

I am angry at God for reasons that are not good..or reasons that defy logic..thats all i can do...in life..i am toremented day in night.....in mind..in body...chronic pain..believing God to heal..hearing so many different beliefs of God...people say this or that...alot of people will say..well God doesnt heal all the time..or get over it..or in His time..but that just re-inforces my view of God...i get angry at that...basically i live in fear..of my body what i do..if it will hurt.....what i will say..because of the unpardonable sin..and i live in fear..because of what i do..what i say..my sin and how it will affect my body....

this happens also because I have OCD..but you get the point

nothing changes..people preach different things..oh God wants you well..believe..or Gods will is to teach you something..which is it?..your sickness is teaching you something..or that is not of God..He wants you well...so i cannot stand what i dont know..because the body of Christ doesnt know

i try and try to talk about it..looking for hope..thinking this is the God who is..but only for other christians to say God doesnt always heal..or in His time.and i am left feeling not for a long time..so my dreams and things are shattered..and i am being told..well it isnt about you..its about God..well that makes me feel so much better..people who say these things..they themselves dont know what its like..their needs are meet..they are well.their dreams fulfillled..yet they go around telling others its about God..so they justify it?!?

I cannot decide what to believe...because i find it all confusing..when you are sick for such a long time..hoping to be well...well you have to be sick.and in pain for years to understand...

anyway.that is where I am at..that is how i think.that is how i feel...

so are people going to tell me I am bad?...or get over it?
follow God..carry your cross?

pesevere??...endure..hope in the promses??

 

[dimwhitt]

are you seeking professional help???

 

[dimwhitt]

if i dont hear from u before i sign off
call 1-800-new-life
they can connect u with christian counselors
u will also need a good pastor to walk u thru some theology
insurance picks up the cost

but keep in touch i be on again fri. noon

 

[HoneyComb Son]

i know the bible so well..trust me when i say this..I do it all.and have done it all

it is hard to believe what the truth is.as the body of Christ is divided itself..believing different things..i have a heart to know the truth..but what is that..when people say different things

people believe in different things.as in WOF...penecostal..etc..you know

so i hear different answers to what people give to me in good advice...

people say..God doesnt want you sick for one second..or it is Gods will for you..trust Him..be a witness
or other things

people say..God is for you..like you heard..like He doesnt send bad things into your life..but other believers say otherwise..like trials tests...so that doesnt help my view of God..i get told..His ways are higher ..and His thoughts are higher

i dont know what to believe

you know i will talk about something only one other person knows..besides God Himself

my fear of God..well lets say i had a bad experience with the unpardonable sin issue..so bad..i had visions or dreams of God acting sorrowful and kind of in love..telling me i committed the unpardonable sin..that I am going to hell..well I know it wasnt..but there is always apart of me open to this..as I always strive to be honest and dont hide anything to God.that is who I am..even know..well alot nights i wake up in fear..from false dreams from satan..confusing me...you get the point

well through these experiences...i will say it this way..satan through fear and ignorance and control..made me fear The Holy Spirit behind what i know..because i wanted to please God..but because of fear and OCD..i didnt know..so i developed a huge fear of Holy Spirit..and it was swayed so much from satan.and i couldnt see because of fear..i was told things that confused me and made me feeled controlled.and that i didnt have free will..so i was left unable to see any truth..because i wanted to please God.thought well maybe God is showing me something..but it is because i didnt know God

so through alot of horrible experiences..which i didnt want to do..i have a huge wound...because of the unpardonable sin issue and what satan said about Holy Spirit.and what i was told..

you get the idea...it is horrible and i dont tell people this..as it brings fear..and i get accused of Blasphemy..and what i felt and went through was so much....i was left unable to properly think of use my mind..because i thought i was blaspheme The Spirit....so i closed off my mind and my heart..

anyway you get the idea..that is where I am at.that is why I am so angry wanting to go to hell.because that is what I know...i was continously told good words..like I love you..I am kind or this or that..but the devil and those words i heard..were meant to throw me off as it does now..and also in my past..people promised so much..but always failed me.and i was always left unfulfilled almost having something.and told it was for good

that is what makes it so hard to believe..that is how deep it is..i find myself unable to move because of this

 

[Peregrino]

OCD requires professional attention. Obsessing over stuff is part of it. As I said before, get help.

God helps those who help themselves. "Carry your cross" is what you have been doing. But if you had severe bleeding or a broken bone, you'd go to a hospital, not sit and pray: you pray on the way to the hospital.

So likewise, keep on praying and persevering, but on your way to professional help. If you pray in the style of going over things on and on and on, that's OCD, not spirituality. Get help. And I'm not telling you to stop trusting God, but on the contrary, to take his hand and stop looking towards the sky and start seeking his help around you. He has angels.

 

[dimwhitt]

unpardonable sin

NO SUCH THING

and any who tells u otherwise has bad teaching

the whole thing is conditional on the physical presence of Jesus and the denial of His miracles in the sight of all people

 

[dimwhitt]

OCD requires professional attention.

i second that

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Hi again, I'm glad you want to be well. No one I hope will say you are bad. You are not bad you're searching for answers. I'm sorry if it's been difficult for you and I understand some of your pain ( my family was involved in the things you're struggling with and I needed prayer to be free).
Forgive me if what I shared may have upset you. I hope not. Really I just long to see you free and understanding and knowing how very much God does love you.
Keep talking, keep being open. Sometimes we have to accept the truth about who God is before we understand it. I accept God loves me because He says so. I do not understand why He would want to love me except that is the way that He is. In the same way I do not understand why Grass is Green or the Sky is blue, but I accept that it is and do not trouble myself trying to understand or work out why.
Maybe you're trying too hard to try to reason things out - God knows what you need and how to meet your needs. He knows how to heal you so you can trust Him. All of us have been affected by sin and we all need God to change us.
I feel you need to find rest in your soul and peace in your mind. Yes, the enemy does torment and bring fear but God can and will set you free. He will bring into your life the right people and in the right time, you will be fully set free. It does not always happen all at once. It can take time, it depends on how God wants to do things in your life.
What you need is a close relationship with Jesus - spend time with Him and do not worry about understanding all the theology. You can know all about theology and God's word and yet still not really know God. Knowing Him as a person is more important than understanding theology. Even the enemy can quote scripture!
His love will cast out your fears.
Your natural mind can not grasp or understand because you still need healing and to be set free. That is why you are asking questions because you're searching for answers. Every answer you need is found in knowing Jesus. God is not the author of confusion. When you can trust God you will not feel the need to keep asking questioning things - you know that He knows and over time as you grow in your level of faith and intimacy with God your understanding will deepen.

It is not about what you know - it is about knowing Him.
God is the source of all your needs. Relax and ask Him to help you to let go of your fears and choose to walk in love. Choose to think about the promises of God and have hope because God will not give up on you.

Any deliverance you need will happen in Gods timing and He knows how to heal you, so you are able to trust.
I pray you know Gods comfort and peace, and stop striving to get all the answers before you are mature enough in your relationship with God to understand anyway. We need to learn to walk before we can run.

God teaches and trains us one step at a time. Don't stress out on not understanding. God is the one who will give you understanding - be patient for His timing to reveal to you, what you need to understand and to open your eyes to see the truth of His word.

Ask Him to give you peace and rest and get on with your life - you can not make things happen more quickly than what God has planned anyway. I pray you enjoy today on the way to where God is going to take you into more freedom and healing.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

Thank you so much for talking to me...that is a rare thing for me these days

I understand what you say..and It is good

I know myself satan can speak scripture..that is what he has done to me..over and over..

I am trying to know God..by reading His word..but i cannot seem to fully receive or get revelation what He wants me too...it seems whenever i try to hear from God..i hear from satan..pretending to be Jesus

honestly.that is how it is..when i try to follow God.i seem to follow satan..no kidding..no joke

I honestly cannot trust God right now..all i can do is choose what way i go..that is where I am at.

Alot of what you said is good.and is what i need to do..to take it by faith..i try to write things that i try to bring to light.but i cannot find in words..i know what you say is good.and what i need to do..but other things i am searching for..to find answers..because they make me stumble with God

whenever i think of God meeting my needs..I dont expect much..i struggle with love..as i honestly deep in my heart..view it as selfish..controlling..and changing it to what it wants..and hurting me...so when i read love..i cannot grasp it

i know i need to live by faith..but its hard when you think good is bad..like you know what i mean..you read..Good is good..or good words..but somehow i dont expect that..

i dont know what good is..what it means..i honestly believe its selfish..maniplutive serving its own end..that is what i learned..so when i read.God is good.i dont know..

i have gotten help with OCD.and have gotten much better

I am just wanting to know God...I dont want to know HIm and be devastated or dissapointed

i dont want to know what love is and good is..to only have it as i view it now.is that what it is?


i want also to tell you...that satan has mocked and said things that God would say..but it was evil..
like satan would say..trust me..I love you..and say nice things..but it was in mockery..only to make me angry

anyway..i am thankful that i can talk here..i was getting leary in doing so..thanks so much..i feel better bringing things to light

I will pray and talk to God tonight..and read word

 

[Gentle-Heart]

I am glad you feel better. With the struggles you have had I feel you have coped so well, as I can see it has not been easy for you. I am glad you have had help with OCD. That's good.
You seem to understand when it is the enemy speaking. I pray that you hear more of the gentle. loving voice of God and the answers you need, He will give to you.
Much peace to you and I hope today is one of blessing.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

Hey I am still here

I made choices in talking to God..and reading word

I still get extremely angry though..to the point i lose it and feel desparate..and speak curses..sigh

I am finding there are alot of lies or areas that God needs to speak too

thanks again for talking to me

I also find i get angry when i read words that usually would encourage me..i went to the healing ministry threads..i wanted to see if somethign would speak to me..i found myself getting angry.and in tears..

 

[dimwhitt]

friend
stop seeking to experience God and just read his word and let it all soak in

our faith is built on facts not feelings

a person is a mind a heart and a will
use your brain for a while instead of your heart

 

[dimwhitt]

dont forget the advice we agve u to seek some professional help

it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of humility from a wise man