- Jan 26, 2007
- 14,535
- 1,054
- 52
- Faith
- Calvary Chapel
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
I post this here because I think it more falls under depression than any other category, even though it is far more than depression.
First, I'd like to say that I've never been officially diagnosed with any mental disorder. I haven't been to see a professional, and don't know if I will. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but there are reasons that I hope make sense (even if you don't agree).
When I was younger, I struggled with depression. The Lord pretty much delivered me after I rededicated my life in 1996. That isn't to say that struggles didn't exist, just that they weren't even worth noting. More recently, things have come back, and I believe a lot of it is situationally based. The biggest thing would probably be stress.
December 2002 I got married. I know it was God's will, and I don't regret it at all. I just didn't know the full extent of the struggles our marriage would entail. In October 2003, my company restructured and we were moved almost 400 miles away from friends and family. That wasn't a very big deal for me, but it was huge for my wife. To make matters more interesting, we started discovering some serious health issues (physical and mental) for her.
Since July 2004, Michelle, my wife, has underwent many different surgeries and hospitalizations. She was put on social security as a result of physical and mental health issues. Each step of the way I have been there as much as I could be. I support her through everything as much as is possible. I know I fall short many times, but still I do my best.
Today, we are still dealing with many health issues, both physical and mental. I can't even name all the medications that she is on. Every time we think we get one issue relatively under control one or more issues emerge or reappear. We haven't been able to just go out and spend time, maybe at the movies or something like that, in a long time. Probably December was the last time, and that was limited.
Combine the stress of that with the stress of work, and the time missed being there for my wife, creates additional pressure on me. I need to be at work, for obvious reasons, and still need to be there for Michelle as often as possible. I'm also transitioning into a new position at work, where I am doing two jobs--my old job and my new job--during the transition.
To make matters worse, my wife has my health insurance as well as Medicare. Having two insurance companies is not a good idea because neither wants to pay, and they keep pointing the finger at the other saying the other company is supposed to pay, leaving us stuck in the middle.
Finances are a pain as well. With all the medical bills and pre-existing debts, there doesn't seem to be enough money to go around. This month is the worst it has been in a long time. I know the Lord will provide, He always does, but adding to the stress is not fun.
I've wanted to talk to Michelle about my feelings, but I know I cannot. With her own mental trials she's working through, if I bring up my own, it causes her to spiral further into her own troubles. I know because I've tried to talk to her before. She doesn't like that I don't talk to her about things, about how I feel, or when certain things are happening, but I know I cannot, for her benefit, not mine.
I have a couple brothers in the Lord, including one of the pastors from my church, that I've spoken to, but never really gotten into my feelings. I've asked for prayer for the stress and the discouragement, but haven't really said more. Most of the discussion revolves around Michelle, and how we can pray for her.
Now, why don't I get council myself? There are several reasons. First, I don't know exactly where to look. My insurance isn't easy to deal with when it comes to mental issues. Since each visit would cost money, and it could be anywhere from $10 to $50 depending on how serious my insurance company thinks my problem is, I know the money isn't available. I also think they'd want to just write everything off with medication, when I want to get to the root of the problem, not mask the symptoms with medications. I don't like medication, don't know why, it is just one of my quirks. Add to that not knowing when I can take time off to go to the appointments, as a result of already taking off too much time (IMO) for my wife's issues.
I know I need to see someone. From my own personal diagnosis, I could be any (or all): manic-depressive, major depressive, OCD, anxiety, ADHD. Then again, I could be none of them, or something completely different. Although how to deal with it all, while my wife has her own issues, is another challenge completely.
Thanks for bearing with my lengthy post.
First, I'd like to say that I've never been officially diagnosed with any mental disorder. I haven't been to see a professional, and don't know if I will. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but there are reasons that I hope make sense (even if you don't agree).
When I was younger, I struggled with depression. The Lord pretty much delivered me after I rededicated my life in 1996. That isn't to say that struggles didn't exist, just that they weren't even worth noting. More recently, things have come back, and I believe a lot of it is situationally based. The biggest thing would probably be stress.
December 2002 I got married. I know it was God's will, and I don't regret it at all. I just didn't know the full extent of the struggles our marriage would entail. In October 2003, my company restructured and we were moved almost 400 miles away from friends and family. That wasn't a very big deal for me, but it was huge for my wife. To make matters more interesting, we started discovering some serious health issues (physical and mental) for her.
Since July 2004, Michelle, my wife, has underwent many different surgeries and hospitalizations. She was put on social security as a result of physical and mental health issues. Each step of the way I have been there as much as I could be. I support her through everything as much as is possible. I know I fall short many times, but still I do my best.
Today, we are still dealing with many health issues, both physical and mental. I can't even name all the medications that she is on. Every time we think we get one issue relatively under control one or more issues emerge or reappear. We haven't been able to just go out and spend time, maybe at the movies or something like that, in a long time. Probably December was the last time, and that was limited.
Combine the stress of that with the stress of work, and the time missed being there for my wife, creates additional pressure on me. I need to be at work, for obvious reasons, and still need to be there for Michelle as often as possible. I'm also transitioning into a new position at work, where I am doing two jobs--my old job and my new job--during the transition.
To make matters worse, my wife has my health insurance as well as Medicare. Having two insurance companies is not a good idea because neither wants to pay, and they keep pointing the finger at the other saying the other company is supposed to pay, leaving us stuck in the middle.
Finances are a pain as well. With all the medical bills and pre-existing debts, there doesn't seem to be enough money to go around. This month is the worst it has been in a long time. I know the Lord will provide, He always does, but adding to the stress is not fun.
I've wanted to talk to Michelle about my feelings, but I know I cannot. With her own mental trials she's working through, if I bring up my own, it causes her to spiral further into her own troubles. I know because I've tried to talk to her before. She doesn't like that I don't talk to her about things, about how I feel, or when certain things are happening, but I know I cannot, for her benefit, not mine.
I have a couple brothers in the Lord, including one of the pastors from my church, that I've spoken to, but never really gotten into my feelings. I've asked for prayer for the stress and the discouragement, but haven't really said more. Most of the discussion revolves around Michelle, and how we can pray for her.
Now, why don't I get council myself? There are several reasons. First, I don't know exactly where to look. My insurance isn't easy to deal with when it comes to mental issues. Since each visit would cost money, and it could be anywhere from $10 to $50 depending on how serious my insurance company thinks my problem is, I know the money isn't available. I also think they'd want to just write everything off with medication, when I want to get to the root of the problem, not mask the symptoms with medications. I don't like medication, don't know why, it is just one of my quirks. Add to that not knowing when I can take time off to go to the appointments, as a result of already taking off too much time (IMO) for my wife's issues.
I know I need to see someone. From my own personal diagnosis, I could be any (or all): manic-depressive, major depressive, OCD, anxiety, ADHD. Then again, I could be none of them, or something completely different. Although how to deal with it all, while my wife has her own issues, is another challenge completely.
Thanks for bearing with my lengthy post.
and 
!
