People Pleaser
Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul), as [something done] for the Lord
and not for men, knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [and not from men] that you
will receive the inheritance which is your [real] reward. [The One Whom] you are actually serving
[is] the Lord Christ (the Messiah).
—Colossians 3:23,24
One of the most freeing things that I have learned in my years of walking with the Lord is how to
break free from being a people pleaser. Now, I am not talking about living a healthy, unselfish life
where we make the needs of others a priority. I am talking about a pressure to perform—an
unhealthy drive to be accepted and approved by others. It is a desire so strong that it influences and
controls the majority of our decisions.
There are some individuals who have spent a good part of their lives trying to please other people,
and as a result, they are unhappy, bitter, resentful and depressed. How other people think and feel
about them has become so important that it is like an addiction affecting every part of who they are.
The real tragedy is they don’t know what is causing the problem.
How can you and I know if we are a people pleaser? There are some key signs that we want to
take a look at. If you and I are not supposed to live to please people, who are we supposed to live to
please?
ARE YOU HONEST WITH OTHERS?
One of the greatest signs of being a people pleaser is not being completely truthful with others
about who we are. We say we like things we really don’t like. We go places and say we are enjoying
it, when in reality, it is the last place on earth we want to be. And we nod our heads in agreement to
things we don’t feel right about in our hearts. Instead of telling people the truth about our desires,
feelings and thoughts, we develop a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear in
order to remain accepted. There are also times when people are dishonest about their true thoughts
and feelings because they are trying to keep the other person “fixed” or happy. Whatever the
reason, untruthfulness in relationships only leads to some kind of heartache.
Dave and I have four children and eight grandchildren, and in our family, we have an agreement
to be open and honest with each other without getting angry. For instance, if my daughter Laura
calls my daughter Sandra and asks, “Can you watch my kids tonight?” Sandra is free to be honest
and say, “You know, Laura, I’ve had a really tiring day at home with the twins, and I’m just not up
to watching them tonight.” Although Laura may be disappointed, she is not going to get upset with
Sandra or act aggravated or cold toward her. Instead, she would probably respond, “That’s okay. I
understand how you feel. With four kids, I have had my share of tiring days too.” By not acting in
anger, Laura lifts the pressure off Sandra, and the relationship between them remains peaceful.
Now, our family is not perfect, and we do have our trying moments. But for the most part we
strive to follow what the Word says. Ephesians 4:15 says,
God wants us to grow up, to know the
whole truth and tell it in love… (The Message). Verse 25 goes on to say we are to …put away all
falsehood and “tell your neighbor the truth” because we belong to each other (NLT). And in
Colossians 3:9, we are told, Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old
(unregenerate) self with its evil practices. I think it is pretty clear: God wants us to be truthful with
each other at all times in a kind and considerate way.
DO YOU DO THINGS OUT OF DUTY OR DESIRE?
Another big indicator that we are people pleasers is that we do things out of a sense of
duty
instead of
desire. In other words, we do something for someone because we feel obligated, or it is
expected of us—we are afraid if we don’t do it, others will get mad at us or think badly of us. But
doing things because we feel forced to do them or are fearful of being rejected is doing things for
the wrong reason.
Let me give you an example: During the holidays most of us spend time with our families. Years
ago when our children were small, we had a tendency to run from house to house to house, trying to
visit all of our family members on the same day. This was especially true on Christmas. To a great
degree, we felt like it was a requirement we had to fulfill, and if we did not, somebody would get
their feelings hurt. What happened as a result is that we really did not enjoy the holiday season.
Thankfully, Dave and I have made some adjustments over the years and changed our
expectations. Our children are all grown and have families of their own, and to try and get
everybody together in one place on the same day is difficult. It does happen sometimes, but if
someone has other plans or is unable to make it, that is okay. I know some people who agree to
alternate their holiday visits between their families. One year they choose to spend Thanksgiving
with the wife’s side of the family and Christmas with the husband’s side. The next year, they do just
the opposite. Other people visit one side of the family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, and then
a week later spend New Year’s Day with the other side of the family. The point is, their visits are
based out of desire instead of duty.
Now, please understand that we do not have to
want to do everything we need to do. There are
some things that we are required to do, and if we don’t do them, problems develop. I may not want
to or feel like cleaning my house, but if I never clean it, things will become disorganized, out of
order, and very stressful. You and I may not want to do the laundry, but if we never do it, we will
eventually run out of clothes to wear. So there is a balance in this area that God will help us find. We
just need to remove the pressure and expectations from others so that they do not feel obligated to
do something for us. In the same way, we need to get out from under the pressure and expectations
of others to do something for them.
ARE YOU CONSTANTLY SACRIFICING YOUR OWN LEGITIMATE NEEDS?
The third major sign of being a people pleaser is always being quick to set aside our own genuine
needs to meet the needs and wants of others. Each of us has legitimate needs to be loved, accepted
and approved. We also have needs for things like attention, affection and rest. Constantly denying
our genuine needs and doing things for everybody else will usually result in becoming bitter and
resentful because we feel all used up.
I know a wonderful woman who loves the Lord and will do things for everybody else except
herself. She takes care of the needs of her husband, her children and her church family, but she will
not take care of her own. She maintains the attitude, “No, I don’t need anything. I can do without.”
But she ends up with a bad attitude. This is not healthy and is often the reason why many Christians
experience burnout.
Yes, the Bible does say we are to live a life of self-denial and even put the needs of others before
our own. However, if we are
always denying our own needs and always putting the needs of others
before our own, we are out of balance. Being out of balance opens the door for the enemy to wreak
havoc in our lives (see 1 Peter 5:8).
Before I began a serious relationship with God, my attitude and way of thinking was, If I don’t
take care of myself, nobody else will. Then when I became a committed Christian, my thinking
changed to, I will sacrifice everything—including my own legitimate needs for rest, fun and friends—
all for the sake of the call. But after I pushed myself beyond my personal limits and got physically
sick on at least three occasions, I realized I could no longer neglect my legitimate needs. Since then,
God has helped me find and maintain a balance between caring for the needs of others and not
neglecting my own. And He will do the same for you.
HOW CAN YOU OVERCOME BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER?
There is only one remedy I know of to avoid being a people pleaser and that is learning to follow
the leading of the Holy Spirit in all we do. That is one of the most exciting things about being a
Christian. As believers, the Holy Spirit lives inside us. He desires to lead us in everything we do,
from how we handle our finances, to the type of job we have, to the house we live in, to what we do
or don’t do for others. He does not want to just be involved with the spiritual side of our lives; He
wants to be involved with the natural side of our lives too.
I love what Romans 7:6 says:
But now we are discharged from the Law and have terminated all
intercourse with it, having died to what once restrained and held us captive. So now we serve not
under [obedience to] the old code of written regulations, but [under obedience to the
promptings] of the Spirit in newness [of life]. What Paul is saying is, when we follow the
leadership of the Holy Spirit, we experience newness of life—peace, joy and contentment—that
cannot be experienced when we live under the “shoulds,” the “oughts,” the obligations and the
expectations of being a people pleaser.
What is the leading of the Holy Spirit? For the most part, it is having an inner peace about doing
something. Colossians 3:15 says, And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule
(act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that
arise in your minds…]. In other words, if we have peace in our spirits about doing something or not
doing something, we can know the Lord is in the decision. If we do not have peace in our spirits
about doing something or not doing something, then it is a good indicator that God is not leading
that decision.
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ONE THING…
Motives… Why are we doing (or not doing) something? Are we being motivated by fear, personal
gain or a sense of obligation? Are we being motivated by a desire to be in control, accepted or seen?
These are all the wrong reasons for doing something. Our motive for doing anything should always
be because God has prompted us and we want to please Him. Following the leading of the Holy
Spirit means we are motivated by the fruit of the Holy Spirit, such as love, kindness and goodness.
What the Spirit leads us to do or not do, He will give us a peace about.
Remember, whatever you and I do, if we will do it as unto the Lord, our lives and the lives of
others will be blessed. If you help a family member, do it as unto the Lord. If you visit with relatives,
do it as unto the Lord. If you work in the nursery at church, do it as unto the Lord. If you are getting
dressed, washing the dishes, driving to work, cutting the grass, or going to the grocery store, do it
as unto the Lord. In other words, with everything you do, do it with the motive of pleasing God. The
result will be a new measure of joy and enthusiasm in your life—even in the everyday, ordinary
things.
I encourage you to shake off the way people think or feel about you and just begin to do what you
feel God wants you to do. If you need strength in this area, and I think we all do, pray and ask the
Lord for His grace to follow after His voice instead of the pressures and demands of others.
That you
may walk (live and conduct yourselves) in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him and
desiring to please Him in all things…(Colossians 1:10).
