Struggling

[Erica81]

I have BPD, and I don't know about anybody else, but I have the hardest time connecting with God. I desire so much to have an intimate relationship with him, but some times I feel like I just can't get close to him and that the emptiness inside remains. I also feel that I can't connect with people and I find it really hard to get interested into other people unless they benefit my self esteem in some kind of way. I am clingy and completely black and white. I will swear my undying love for someone one day, and the next day they really dont matter to me. I really feel like I am so selfish and totally not of God.

I really dont know who I am. I know that I am a Christian and that I want to serve Christ, but I feel like this task is impossible some times. How do you make the emptiness go away? Does anyone feel totally vacant inside?

 

[cypher000]

Erica - Yes, I understand... I have just begun to understand who I am. It has taken 49 years... You are so much further ahead of where I was just by understanding that you have BPD - My emptiness still haunts me as I know I am incapable of having a close and healthy relationship with a woman. I want one so bad, I am so tired of being alone, but who will put up with me? You are young Erica and there is hope - find a way to get into a DBT program so you can learn to cope, so you can learn to live a good life... I have only God left in my life - my family has left me, my friends have left, my children have left - I know very well what it is to be empty inside and completely alone...

 

[madison1101]

One of the symptoms of BPD is a lack of a core identity. Another symptom is fear of abandonment. Well, if I have no identity, and fear abandonment, how would I be able to relate to anyone, much less God? That has been my struggle since my diagnosis in 1989.

One of the things I do to connect with God is write to him in a journal. I pour my heart out. I write Bible verses and ask him to make them real in my life.

Some books that have helped me in my desire to grow in Him are "Believing God" by Beth Moore, "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore, "The Prayer the Changes Everything" by Stormie O'Martian.

Another thing that has helped me heal is to have one mature Christian woman in whom I confide everything, and hold myself accountable for my journey in the Lord. She has gotten me through my divorce, and has helped me heal in so many ways. Her unconditional love has helped me understand God's love for me.

I hope this makes sense.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Erica81]

Thank you. I just recently found out that I have this illness,and its hard not to let it define me. I have learned to doubt everything. It seems like pain has been just rushing in through tital waves of emotions that I don't even understand. Its like I woke up one day with an answer that explains so many unanswered questions, but yet the very answer is a mystery that causes even more pain than the unanswered questions did. (if that makes any sense at all) Its so hard to doubt everything that you think and do and to feel that perhaps you are incapable of real emotion and that all feelings come with some kind of internal selfish motive to make ourselves feel real or validated. Is there really a core self there, or am I just an illusion?

The weird part of all of this is that I hate fake people. I despise phoniness. However, I am the eptiome of fake in that I don't know who I truly am. I know that I am saved and that I am a Christian, but I fail so many times that people around me think that I am just a flake and a hypocrite and really, they have every right to think that. I just can't fill that emptiness so I try self-destructive things and fall right back into the hands of Satan. Its a horrible cycle of uncertainty and nothing really ever takes away the pain.

Ive thought about death a lot lately. I am afraid to die. I am afraid that God would not forgive me for killing myself, but the pain is so real and its so hard to sort through the sea of unknown some times. I dont want death to be the answer. I've wanted to prove to the world that I could do something with my life. Surprisingly through my illness and what I have been through, I am a miracle. However, that miracle comes wrapped in a pretty little package, but is completely empty inside.

I havent started therapy yet. I am afraid. I am afraid of releasing the memories that I dont remember. The memories that are tucked safe away. This whole weekend I didnt get out of bed once. I am already at the end of my rope, so what would happen to me if I dig up all the repressed verbal, physical and sexual abuse? I dont think I could handle it. I dont have any family. I have no one. I am so scared. I pray for release.

Thank you for listening.
Erica

 

[cypher000]

Erica - First of all - you have nothing to fear, you are already so aware of yourself. I don't know that therapy has go back into the painful times you have tucked away. I know for sure I too have times I don't remember. These things have remained mine through therapy as I have made the choice not to share them.

I agree with you that death is not the answer. You have such depth in your feelings and emotions; by your writing you are clearly very bright. I do wish we could share ourselves face to face...

You know, what you have learned in your short 25 years, I have taken a lifetime. I too demand honesty, for it is the deception of another that puts me on tilt faster than anything else. You are not a hypocrite! You are pure and honest, just searching, constantly searching for who you are. This is not a lie. Everyday of my life I have greeted myself with degrading comments as I saw myself in the mirror each morning... I have finally let go of this world and all its demands. I no longer live to prove myself to anyone. My Father has set me free from the bondage I have lived and now I greet myself kindly; I am finally beginning to like who I see... I have always been the same person inside - I have just never known who it was.

It has taken me 3 marriages, losing my family, my children, my work, my friends, multiple suicide attempts and on and on to finally realize that I'm the one who is good; for I would give my life for any of them and yet they abandon me at the first sign of trouble.

I too was abused by my family as a child and the abuse continues even today (at least until I ended it by no longer allowing them to use me as the target of a dysfunctional family). I have separated myself from them and now they are like scattering chicks who can't find their mother - they don't know what to do as they run aimlessly looking for their scapegoat... The Lord has set me free and you are so close...be patient as you have things to learn first...God works with us in His time and our time.

It was only one year ago that I was in Intensive Care fighting for my life after an intentional overdose. My Father has been with me, working with me, and now I am free - but the work will not end here, He will work with me until the last day of life...for He is the God of Life.