struggling with sexual sin

[tripletiger1200]

My girlfriend and I have recently gotten in to a bit of...trouble. We both love the Lord very much, but we have gone over the line of what we both feel is acceptable behavior in this area several times, and it seems like every time is a little bit worse. I know that this is not something that God likes, and it has just broken me. I feel awful. I'm worried that I am hardening my heart to this sin and it will keep getting worse. I just don't know what to do. Saturday we did something bad, and the next morning at church I just cried. I would have thought that that would have stopped me, but I was just stupid enough to get in to more trouble last night. It's really not helping my relationship with God.
We both feel that this relationship is heading towards marriage, and I don't want to take something God has given me that could be a wonderful thing and absolutely ruin it with this sort of sin.
It's like no amount of guilt, fear, or shame is going to stop us from continuing to fall in to this trap. I don't know if we are just stupid or what. I keep thinking that maybe if I just loved the Lord more this wouldn't happen. I'm not really sure that's accurate, and I'm not sure how to go about doing that more anyway. To some of you it must seem like a simple decision: just stop. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure some of you must think I'm a pretty awful Christian, or that maybe I'm not one.
I'm sure there are a few of you who have been through this at some point. Would any of you mind giving me some advice? I've asked the Lord to take care of this for me, but I can't help but feeling that if I had really given the Lord control of the situation then this would have stopped by now. I'm not capable of taking care of this on my own, I just don't know how to let God help me (if He even cares enough anymore to help).

 

[file13]

I don't have much advice, but I have to ask, why don't you purpose to her?

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

My girlfriend and I have recently gotten in to a bit of...trouble. We both love the Lord very much, but we have gone over the line of what we both feel is acceptable behavior in this area several times, and it seems like every time is a little bit worse. I know that this is not something that God likes, and it has just broken me. I feel awful. I'm worried that I am hardening my heart to this sin and it will keep getting worse. I just don't know what to do. Saturday we did something bad, and the next morning at church I just cried. I would have thought that that would have stopped me, but I was just stupid enough to get in to more trouble last night. It's really not helping my relationship with God.
We both feel that this relationship is heading towards marriage, and I don't want to take something God has given me that could be a wonderful thing and absolutely ruin it with this sort of sin.
It's like no amount of guilt, fear, or shame is going to stop us from continuing to fall in to this trap. I don't know if we are just stupid or what. I keep thinking that maybe if I just loved the Lord more this wouldn't happen. I'm not really sure that's accurate, and I'm not sure how to go about doing that more anyway. To some of you it must seem like a simple decision: just stop. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure some of you must think I'm a pretty awful Christian, or that maybe I'm not one.
I'm sure there are a few of you who have been through this at some point. Would any of you mind giving me some advice? I've asked the Lord to take care of this for me, but I can't help but feeling that if I had really given the Lord control of the situation then this would have stopped by now. I'm not capable of taking care of this on my own, I just don't know how to let God help me (if He even cares enough anymore to help).

I've gone through similar struggle...and it is difficult to describe just how and when I knew she was the one, but I asked her if she would marry me, and everything more or less fell into place. God does care, and He forgives, His mercy and grace is far beyond our ability to comprehend. I don't know what else to say except, Jesus loves you brother, don't give up on God, He's never given up on you, hang in there.

Soli Deo Gloria!

 

[Osage Bluestem]

My girlfriend and I have recently gotten in to a bit of...trouble. We both love the Lord very much, but we have gone over the line of what we both feel is acceptable behavior in this area several times, and it seems like every time is a little bit worse. I know that this is not something that God likes, and it has just broken me. I feel awful. I'm worried that I am hardening my heart to this sin and it will keep getting worse. I just don't know what to do. Saturday we did something bad, and the next morning at church I just cried. I would have thought that that would have stopped me, but I was just stupid enough to get in to more trouble last night. It's really not helping my relationship with God.
We both feel that this relationship is heading towards marriage, and I don't want to take something God has given me that could be a wonderful thing and absolutely ruin it with this sort of sin.
It's like no amount of guilt, fear, or shame is going to stop us from continuing to fall in to this trap. I don't know if we are just stupid or what. I keep thinking that maybe if I just loved the Lord more this wouldn't happen. I'm not really sure that's accurate, and I'm not sure how to go about doing that more anyway. To some of you it must seem like a simple decision: just stop. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure some of you must think I'm a pretty awful Christian, or that maybe I'm not one.
I'm sure there are a few of you who have been through this at some point. Would any of you mind giving me some advice? I've asked the Lord to take care of this for me, but I can't help but feeling that if I had really given the Lord control of the situation then this would have stopped by now. I'm not capable of taking care of this on my own, I just don't know how to let God help me (if He even cares enough anymore to help).

By far the easiest kind of sin to fall into for me. I have fornicated, masturbated, inappropriate contentographated, adulterated , and then did it again. I was once caught in the act with my best friend's sister by their mom. She walked in the room right in the middle of everything. That was hard to explain. So, I understand where you're coming from.

If she's real good looking I feel for you. It's really hard to say no. I'm dead certain I'd do it again if I was under enough pressure. I am a weak, weak sinner when it comes to women. I have to take special care to stay focused and out of sin, but...alas. It never works. I can't do it on my own. It requires a miracle of grace to stay out of sin.

All I can say is to keep telling God about your desires and try not to sin. Let him know you don't want to sin, when you do confess it to him and try again.

But watch out. It's easy to get a girl pregnant. I did that when I was 20 and had many scares before then. If you love her, marry her. But in this day and age it's hard to get married and make a good life for yourself before you're fully educated.

I think it would be wise to have a talk with her dad and the pastor together and tell them about your problem. Let him know you intend to marry her first though. Both should understand. We've all been there. Her dad will probably gain respect for you if you do something like that instead of just hiding in your shame and dishonesty. For instance if you knock her up he's going to find our anyway....

 

[tripletiger1200]

Thank you for the advice and reassurance. It hasn't gone to sex yet, but I'm afraid it will if we don't change something. It's really comforting to know that this is a problems others are going through or have been through.
I am waiting til closer to graduation to propose. I would like to have a better income before I start a family.
I jsut feel like I'm letting both God and my girlfriend down in not stopping things. Maybe it sounds a little bit old fashioned, but I guess I feel like as the man in the relationship I should be able to be the one who keeps it from going too far. Oh well. I'm sure the Lord can take care of this, I just hope it doesn't get worse before it gets better.

 

[JM]

What did your Elders say when you asked them for help or told them about your struggle?

 

[Osage Bluestem]

Thank you for the advice and reassurance. It hasn't gone to sex yet, but I'm afraid it will if we don't change something. It's really comforting to know that this is a problems others are going through or have been through.
I am waiting til closer to graduation to propose. I would like to have a better income before I start a family.
I jsut feel like I'm letting both God and my girlfriend down in not stopping things. Maybe it sounds a little bit old fashioned, but I guess I feel like as the man in the relationship I should be able to be the one who keeps it from going too far. Oh well. I'm sure the Lord can take care of this, I just hope it doesn't get worse before it gets better.

Every time we keep from sinning it's a miracle of God's grace. Just keep praying to God for a miracle because you are naturally inclined to strongly desire the sin as you are like the rest of us and are evil by birth. Just keep begging for grace, be open and honest about your problem with each other and with the elders in your life and ask for Godly guidance, and remember that flies bring all kinds of terrible problems so keep yours closed.

 

[twin1954]

If you really want to keep it from happening don't allow yourselves to be in a situation where it can. I disagree that you should talk to others about it because it is nobody's buisness but your own. It is between you, your girlfriend and God. Just don't allow yourself to be alone with her, at least for long enough for things to happen, and you will find it less a temptation. At your age hormones are extremely hard to control. Part of growing is learning to control impulses. It ought to happen at about 25 when your brain finally connects.

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Edit: I am a strong advocate of the aspirin method of abstinence. The girl puts an aspirin between her knees and doesn't let it fall. Wink, wink

 

[VCViking]

Paul Washer gives several excellent sermons on dating and courting. Every Christian couple that is dating should listen to them.

Also, studying and meditating on Romans 12:2 has helped me immensley in areas of sin.

 

[GQ Chris]

You deal with your sin harshly. Doing whatever it takes to not sin. If that means not being alone with her, then that's what it means.

 

[jelynemarie]

I know this was written in January but I will post a reply. I have reformed calvinistic views of scripture. All I can say is exactly what the Bible says but what I have not done. Flee!

Back in 2008 I fell for the first time since I had come to know the Lord. Likewise, I cried the next day, and fell on my face before the Lord of all Creation and asked his forgiveness. But, guess what, I did it again, and again, and again. I am now excommunicated from His precious fellowship, and rightfully so. From sin comes forth death. One sin led to another and another, and before I knew it I am where I am now. There is alot of back story I am leaving out, but ultimately, it was that one sexual sin and it's horrible disguise that has left me to be as the Prodigal Son. But I know there is hope and grace. And God has not left me alone. He has made me miserable in my sins. I pray that everything worked out for you. Curious to know how it was resolved?

 

[tripletiger1200]

The relationship ended, and I feel like the Lord disciplined me as well.

 

[jelynemarie]

I'm sorry to hear that. But God is in control and I'm talking to myself as well. I dont know how I ended up here but I slowly let my prayers and scripture meditation fall to the back burner and I didn't feed the spirit. I know The Lord is trying to bring me home. I randomly googled reformed Christians with sexual struggles and came across your forum as the first result. Thank you for sharing your struggle. It's amazing how real sin is and how fast it will pull you down and weigh such heavy burdens on your soul.

 

[Eddie L]

I didn't read this thread back in January, and I say that I do disagree with Twin about confessing your sin to others. Temptation has a way of turning down the volume when the cat is out of the bag. Secret sin has you hiding in the dark. When you expose your temptations to the light they usually run and hide. Keeping your sin and temptations secret also turns your gaze to your navel. The struggle becomes so loud that you either get eaten by guilty feelings or just decide to compromise.

There are two excuses for keeping a struggle with sin secret:

1. You are embarrassed, which is really a struggle with pride. Worrying about your own reputation is really a pride issue.
2. You want to sin, and by telling someone you're afraid you won't be able to.

 

[twin1954]

I didn't read this thread back in January, and I say that I do disagree with Twin about confessing your sin to others. Temptation has a way of turning down the volume when the cat is out of the bag. Secret sin has you hiding in the dark. When you expose your temptations to the light they usually run and hide. Keeping your sin and temptations secret also turns your gaze to your navel. The struggle becomes so loud that you either get eaten by guilty feelings or just decide to compromise.

There are two excuses for keeping a struggle with sin secret:

1. You are embarrassed, which is really a struggle with pride. Worrying about your own reputation is really a pride issue.
2. You want to sin, and by telling someone you're afraid you won't be able to.

The shame of telling others about your sin doesn't keep you from the sin. It may keep you from acting on the sin but the sin is still there. Sin isn't in the act it is in the desire. You don't sin with your hands you sin with your heart. Denying that you sin by abstaining from the act is ignorance of the true nature of sin. That was the problem the Pharisess had. They cleaned up the outside but inwardly they were stinking open graves.

The simple fact is that every believer constantly struggles with sin. And most often the very same sin. I don't need to tell you or anyone else what sin I struggle with any more than you need to tell me. I know you struggle with it just the same as I do. We may help each other in our struggle without shaming one another with details. It has nothing to do with keeping it a secret it has to do with love. It may seem humble to admit to others your sin but in reality it is only a show. You don't get rid of your sin by telling others of it, you must take sin to the cross and crucify it.

 

[DeaconDean]

The shame of telling others about your sin doesn't keep you from the sin. It may keep you from acting on the sin but the sin is still there. Sin isn't in the act it is in the desire. You don't sin with your hands you sin with your heart. Denying that you sin by abstaining from the act is ignorance of the true nature of sin. That was the problem the Pharisess had. They cleaned up the outside but inwardly they were stinking open graves.

The simple fact is that every believer constantly struggles with sin. And most often the very same sin. I don't need to tell you or anyone else what sin I struggle with any more than you need to tell me. I know you struggle with it just the same as I do. We may help each other in our struggle without shaming one another with details. It has nothing to do with keeping it a secret it has to do with love. It may seem humble to admit to others your sin but in reality it is only a show. You don't get rid of your sin by telling others of it, you must take sin to the cross and crucify it.

I know this is but, why have you quit posting in the Baptist area?

God Bless

Till all are one.

 

[jelynemarie]

I just found this and thought I'd copy and paste. The last paragraph especially applies to the last couple threads talking about secret sins.

Recent publication of the booklet, Must Christians Always Forgive? A Primer and Grammar on Forgiveness of Sins, prompted a reader to inquire concerning the admonition of James 5:16. James exhorts, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (ESV). The question posed does not concern the verse’s connection with the context, which calls for its own consideration. Rather, the question concerns how a Christian should use the verse with reference to confessing sins to one another. To whom and to what extent are we Christians admonished to confess our sins? What follows entails my response to the question with expansion for Credo Blog readers.

Initially I responded by explaining that the gospel obligates us to confess our sins to one another but clearly, because James does not explain the procedures of confession, it is apparent that he expects that his readers know why, when, how, and to whom confession of sin is to be made.

Why? If we sin against others we must confess our sin in order to be set right (reconciled) with those against whom we have sinned.

When? We are obliged to confess our sin whenever we commit sin against a fellow human, especially against fellow believers, the case James has in view.
How? We are to confess the sin unequivocally with a request for forgiveness of the sin that we have committed.

To whom? We are required to confess our sin to the individual or individuals against whom we have sinned. Because only those against whom we sin have the right to forgive the sin we commit against them, confession of sin is to be made to them, not to people against whom we do not commit the sin. Even the Scribes understood that humans have no authority to grant forgiveness of sins not committed against them (Mark 2:1-12). Only God has that authority because every sin that we commit is against God, he alone has authority to forgive every sin (Psalm 51:4). So, if the sin I commit is a sinful thought confined within my heart alone and not an outward deed against any fellow human, to the Lord and to the Lord alone I am to confess my sin. Because every sin is against the Lord, every sin is to be confessed to the Lord to receive his forgiveness (cf. 1 John 1:9). But consider the injury that would almost surely be done if I confess to a fellow believer an evil thought I might have entertained against that believer. If I sin privately against my wife, privately I must confess this sin to her and to her alone before the Lord. If I sin against my family, I must confess this sin to my family and to them alone before the Lord. If I sin against the whole church, to the whole church I must confess my sin and to the church alone before the Lord.

But what frequently occurs among Christians? Evangelicals tend to suppress and privatize publicly committed sins that affect many, especially sins that pastors and leaders commit, and to publicize privately committed sins that should be confessed either to the Lord alone or to one or two individuals against whom the sin was committed. How difficult it is to confess a sin to the many against whom the sin was committed! Yet, many Evangelicals teach believers to confess secret sinful thoughts to others, not to the Lord alone. They also teach us to confess to others those sins that we have privately committed against a single individual alone. Is it not obvious that such practices have several injurious consequences? Is it any wonder that gossip blights churches, that relationships are destroyed, and that reputations are ruined? And some injury to reputation is self-inflicted by confessing secret and private sins to individuals who have no need or right to know. How seductive it is to fall prey to the therapeutic notion that secret sins should be publicly confessed to “accountability partners” who have neither any right to bestow forgiveness of such sins nor any need to know (cf. Psalm 90:8; 19:12). How delicious are the morsels received from those who, like whisperers, confess their private sins to others, thus handing them morsels that lodge deep in their memories (Proverbs 18:8; 26:22)!

 

[jelynemarie]

The temptation itself though is not sin. Jesus was tempted. But it is good to have a pastor or elders that have been placed in authoritative positions by God's sovereignty to go to when you are strongly struggling or are oppressed and have not yet committed any act. If we need strong prayer in a certain area we should be able to go to those individuals above us and ask them to pray for us, but that does not mean we go to all of our friends or "chat" mates. And if we actually do go ahead and commit a personal secret sin it is no one's business except you and the Lord and whoever was directly affected and/or involved. I am only speaking of the struggle against sin and asking a select few to pray for your struggle

 

[Eddie L]

The shame of telling others about your sin doesn't keep you from the sin. It may keep you from acting on the sin but the sin is still there. Sin isn't in the act it is in the desire. You don't sin with your hands you sin with your heart. Denying that you sin by abstaining from the act is ignorance of the true nature of sin. That was the problem the Pharisess had. They cleaned up the outside but inwardly they were stinking open graves.

The simple fact is that every believer constantly struggles with sin. And most often the very same sin. I don't need to tell you or anyone else what sin I struggle with any more than you need to tell me. I know you struggle with it just the same as I do. We may help each other in our struggle without shaming one another with details. It has nothing to do with keeping it a secret it has to do with love. It may seem humble to admit to others your sin but in reality it is only a show. You don't get rid of your sin by telling others of it, you must take sin to the cross and crucify it.

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I've experienced a diminished desire for a sin when I've shared my struggle with it. It's as if the desire thrives in the dark, but loses its power when exposed. Secret desires only grow, as though the secrecy feeds them.

James 5:16 admonishes us to confess our sins to one another. It is good advice.

 

[bricklayer]

My girlfriend and I have recently gotten in to a bit of...trouble. We both love the Lord very much, but we have gone over the line of what we both feel is acceptable behavior in this area several times, and it seems like every time is a little bit worse. I know that this is not something that God likes, and it has just broken me. I feel awful. I'm worried that I am hardening my heart to this sin and it will keep getting worse. I just don't know what to do. Saturday we did something bad, and the next morning at church I just cried. I would have thought that that would have stopped me, but I was just stupid enough to get in to more trouble last night. It's really not helping my relationship with God.
We both feel that this relationship is heading towards marriage, and I don't want to take something God has given me that could be a wonderful thing and absolutely ruin it with this sort of sin.
It's like no amount of guilt, fear, or shame is going to stop us from continuing to fall in to this trap. I don't know if we are just stupid or what. I keep thinking that maybe if I just loved the Lord more this wouldn't happen. I'm not really sure that's accurate, and I'm not sure how to go about doing that more anyway. To some of you it must seem like a simple decision: just stop. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure some of you must think I'm a pretty awful Christian, or that maybe I'm not one.
I'm sure there are a few of you who have been through this at some point. Would any of you mind giving me some advice? I've asked the Lord to take care of this for me, but I can't help but feeling that if I had really given the Lord control of the situation then this would have stopped by now. I'm not capable of taking care of this on my own, I just don't know how to let God help me (if He even cares enough anymore to help).

Read this closely. You are never going to read this anywhere else. I am about to give you very good advise.

I am not being un-spiritual. I am simply going to tell you how it is.
TAKE MY ADVISE

A man can only think about women clearly in fifteen minute increments.
For fifteen minutes, after a man [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], he can think clearly about women.
Before you do anything sexual with a woman, FIRST, get yourself into a position where you can think clearly about women. THEN, make your choice. THEN, stick by that choice.

Repeat as necessary.