Struggling with my relationship - when is enough enough?

[Ffion Eleri]

Hi all,
I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for one year and three months. We both attend university, so half of the time we have a long-distance relationship, which we have made work. He is a Christian and a significant factor in my coming to faith, including my baptism a few months ago.
We have had our issues. He confessed to me about an issue with p*rn that he has struggled with, he hasn't been able to find any work over the summers, and in general is a lot less mature and independent than I am. My parents recently moved to a different continent and so I am experiencing a level of independence that most do not at my age of 19, basically a housewife. I have always had struggled with my mental health and am on 40mg antidepressants daily. I go to a no.1 ranked university and do my best to have a strong work ethic, whereas my boyfriend struggles with completing assignments on time, punctuality, etc. He games a significant amount.
We have had our struggles but I feel like I am leaving him behind. We've talked about marriage and children, down to even picking names. He is looking for engagement rings. There have been several times where I have felt that I just don't feel like I can keep things going. In addition, looking to the future, my prospects seem brighter, and could very likely end up being breadwinner in addition to a majority of childcare and housework.
He is sweet and a devout Christian, and I adore his family. I just don't know. So many times, I feel like I've been at a breaking point, outwardly telling him that I will need support, which I don't always feel like I receive.
We communicate well and have had these tough conversations in the past. I'm at a loss - are my doubts the result of the Devil? Or is God pointing me towards a different future? I don't know. I can't tell if I am selfish and envious.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Blessings be upon you <3

 

[timf]

It sounds like the major difference might be described as you being more "white collar" oriented and him being more "blue collar". You sound a little ashamed of him already. You should ask yourself if you were to have a job as a high paid bank manager and he got by as a plumber, if you could have "respect" for him. It sounds like you are already somewhat patronizing of him. This can lead to growing resentment.

The Christian life is about transitioning from selfishness to selflessness. This is hindered in two ways, worldliness and the flesh. It sounds like you both have some growing to do. Most people find out that having children requires them to let go of some of their own childish selfishness. He might have to consider that one cannot realistically be a gamer for life. You might have to give up ambitions and pride of thinking of worldly "success".

It sounds like you both could benefit from growing in wisdom and truth. This starts with the "mind of Christ" which in the letter to the Philippians is simply humility.

 

[ari.sketch]

Hi, thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your trouble.

No judgment from me whatsoever, on you and your boyfriend, but he does seem to have some growing up to do.

You both need to understand that as a man, he will be the head of the household, he will be the priest of the household.
Able to provide, take care and protect his family in all aspect (spiritual. emotional and physical).

There is a high standard in being a man of God in God's kingdom.

Have you prayed about this? What is God and/or the Holy Spirit is communicating to you?

I really don't want to tell you what to do or not do, please pray and ask God and the Holy Spirit.
But I do know if one of my sister approached me with this 'struggle', my advice would be to hold off or break off the relationship.
For her sake but also for his.

Are you also seeking counsel from a Christian leader at your church? I would advice that as well.
May want to talk to a Christian leader from his church, too, and see what they have to say about the issue.

As a brother (I have 3 sisters) and a brother in Christ, I want to say that you need to have a high standard as well. By standard I mostly mean spiritual maturity. He does not have to be perfect (no one is), but he needs to love and fear God first and foremost.
Because it is a huge responsibility (and blessing) to be a husband and a father.

God bless

 

[tturt]

Also, encourage you to watch "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All his teachings are Biblically based with a lot on youtube about marriage.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

Has he read "You mean I am not lazy, stupid or crazy" by Kelly & Ramundo?

They sound friendly, they will appreciate your friendship.

 

[splish- splash]

Whatever you do, because you're already having doubts just don't take things to the next level yet, otherwise you'll only complicate things for yourself. Continue to trust in Lord & if it is meant to be, you will be together like that.

 

[anetazo]

Hello sister. Just honest advice. No judgement or criticizing.
I think God could be pulling you away. Jesus is looking for some soldiers who will carry their cross daily and follow Jesus and study the bible and plant seeds for God.
Sister, you should understand why. Thiers lost souls headed for hell. James chapter 5:20. Let him know, that he which converts the sinner from the errors of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide multitude of sins.
Its worth the trip being born in the flesh and if you plant seeds for God. If one seed does germinate. It was worth it.
Christian priorities need to be serving God.
Acts 21:9. And the same man had four daughters, virgins, which did prophesy. The four women were teachers of God's word. They took over thier dad's position. They dedicated their life to serving Jesus. God loves to bless His children. And rewards for the eternity. God pays very well. But you must do the work first.
Second Timothy chapter 2:15. Study to shew Thyself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
Study sound doctrine. I have king James companion bible and STRONGS concordance. These are the proper tools to study the bible.
If you need help. I recommend shepherds chapel, pastor dennis murray, thier on YouTube.
The best place to plant seeds is Christian forums.
I wish you all the best.

 

[com7fy8]

You might have to give up ambitions and pride of thinking of worldly "success".

You say you are being medicated for depression.

And you seem able to take on study in a high-quality university. You would think you would not be depressed, but satisfied, if you can do well in a good school.

But if we are pushing and depending on our own selves, there can be struggling and suffering . . . in our own egos . . . when we could be resting in Jesus.

He will satisfy us while He guides us and has us doing what He wants.

Oh yes . . . what Tim could mean > if you are being such the accomplisher, it can be a temptation to compare yourself with ones not so ambitious, and go along with how pride can have us looking down on someone not so educated and accomplished.

But with Jesus >

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls '" (Matthew 11:29)

In prayer get with Jesus, be quiet and satisfied with Him, then see how He has you see things.

 

[TheLastGeek]

Hi all,
I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for one year and three months. We both attend university, so half of the time we have a long-distance relationship, which we have made work. He is a Christian and a significant factor in my coming to faith, including my baptism a few months ago.
We have had our issues. He confessed to me about an issue with p*rn that he has struggled with, he hasn't been able to find any work over the summers, and in general is a lot less mature and independent than I am. My parents recently moved to a different continent and so I am experiencing a level of independence that most do not at my age of 19, basically a housewife. I have always had struggled with my mental health and am on 40mg antidepressants daily. I go to a no.1 ranked university and do my best to have a strong work ethic, whereas my boyfriend struggles with completing assignments on time, punctuality, etc. He games a significant amount.
We have had our struggles but I feel like I am leaving him behind. We've talked about marriage and children, down to even picking names. He is looking for engagement rings. There have been several times where I have felt that I just don't feel like I can keep things going. In addition, looking to the future, my prospects seem brighter, and could very likely end up being breadwinner in addition to a majority of childcare and housework.
He is sweet and a devout Christian, and I adore his family. I just don't know. So many times, I feel like I've been at a breaking point, outwardly telling him that I will need support, which I don't always feel like I receive.
We communicate well and have had these tough conversations in the past. I'm at a loss - are my doubts the result of the Devil? Or is God pointing me towards a different future? I don't know. I can't tell if I am selfish and envious.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Blessings be upon you <3

You said it yourself. "I just don't know". Don't stay with someone if you don't even know if you WANT to be with them. You're not married, this is not the time of your life to waste months and years on someone you aren't compatible with. You like him and care about him, but do you admire, respect, and trust him implicitly in every area of your future? From your post, the answer is no. That means he's not future material. He's not husband material. He's a nice boyfriend you enjoyed in college. I'd say it's time to move on. You're clearly moving towards responsible adulthood and he's not.

 

[com7fy8]

You can fall in love with someone who gives you what you want, or promises to. And worldly people have their "you can use me" act. They talk smart so you feel they can understand what you want. And they act nice so you think they will be nice about it. And so we can fall for someone who seems sure to give us what we want. However, really we can be falling for that act, because we are in love with what we desire to use someone to get!

And we see how that has worked out . . . in the United States, with over fifty-percent of marriages turning into divorces. And we can read about women who want advice but do not trust their own companions enough to talk with them about something, yet they want advice on how to stay with some guy they do not even trust!!

So . . . first get with God through Jesus > "without Me you can do nothing," Jesus says in John 15:5.

And then I would say, do not get isolated with a guy you do not know well and trust.

Make sure he is helping you to share personally with God, and submit to how God guides you, and discover how Jesus has us loving any and all people.

My opinion is that a man like this will not be pushing to get isolated with you on dates. But he will enjoy sharing as family with you along with various other children of God of various ages. He will likely enjoy sharing with more mature Christians because they are more like Jesus, than you are.

So, be humble, and humble him. And make sure you share with mature seniors who can see through you and help you grow and discover how to love in a close relationship.