Struggling with bitterness

[musicpicturegal]

My husband and I are in the process of getting divorced. About 2 months ago, I found out that he had had several sexual encounters with men. I immediately asked my husband to move out. I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old and did not want his influence around my children until he got the help he needed. I asked him to go to a residential treatment program and he refused saying that he didn't want to lose his job. He is in counseling, but I was worried that it wouldn't be enough.

10 days after my husband and I separated, my father passed away. I was so distraught and my husband wouldn't leave me alone. He never once asked how our kids were doing, he just trying to come over to "comfort" me. I asked him to give me a little time and space. He kept coming to the house and started to get hostile with me every time he came near me. At one point, he came over to pick up the kids. The kids were playing outside and he asked to use the restroom. While he was inside, he went through my things, found out I had bought tickets for my son and I to go to a sporting event and then got mad at me because he said he was going to take him even though he had no money. I work outside the home and make 3x what he makes. Every time he had contact with me after that, he would yell at me. I warned him that he couldn't talk that way to me in front of the kids and if he didn't stop I would place a protection from harassment order on him. He didn't stop and so I did have the harassment order placed on him.

There was a 30 day waiting period before we went to court. In that time, my husband met, moved in with another woman and decided he's going to marry her as soon as we're divorced. I have prayed and prayed for him. He still says that he doesn't love me and he loves her.

He has been taking the children over to his apartment with his girlfriend/fiance. My youngest son has a seizure disorder and must have a nap. They didn't give him a nap until 4:30 on Sunday and they cut my son's hair. My son gets so distraught when his hair is cut. He told me that this woman cut his hair and he was so upset he threw up.

My attorney told me that the kids should not see my husband anymore unless the visits are supervised by someone we agree on. I told my husband this. My kids were supposed to see him today and he never called.

I am so angry toward him right now and bitter. I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord's plan in this, but I'm struggling. It's so hard to let that bitterness go. What do I do?

 

[Criada]

I'm very sorry that you are in this situation, it is a very painful one.
There are a few things I don't understand... I realise that discovering that your husband was having homosexual affairs must have been distressing and possibly led to your not wishing to be near him for a time whilst you sorted out your feelings. And losing your father so quickly after it will have compounded the feelings of grief, betrayal etc.
However, you say

I immediately asked my husband to move out. I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old and did not want his influence around my children until he got the help he needed. I asked him to go to a residential treatment program and he refused saying that he didn't want to lose his job. He is in counseling, but I was worried that it wouldn't be enough.

I am not sure how your husband was likely to influence your children... especially children too young to even understand what sexuality is. Homosexual desires aren't contagious... and kids need a father.
I'm also a little confused about the 'treatment program'... it's not a disease that one can 'cure'. It is very good that he is having counseling, it sounds as though he is very confused and trying to deny his sexuality by immediately marrying another woman. I pray that the counseling will help him to accept who he is, and decide what he is going to do about it. Many homosexual men accept that they face this temptation, but determine with the help of God not to act upon it, and many remain happily married.

Maybe it would be a good idea for the two of you to go to counseling together.. you will need help to come to terms with this as well... betrayal of trust is very hard to deal with.
It's natural that you feel angry, and that it's hard to forgive him. that takes time and a lot of prayer, don't expect too much of yourself right away, sweetie. You are grieving your father as well, and it takes time to work through feelings.
For the sake of your children, try not to let them know how you feel... he is still their father, and they no doubt love him and will be confused by his absence. Keep reminding them that he loves them.

I am praying for all of you, sweetie, for comfort, wisdom and guidance.
If you want to talk, please PM me any time.

 

[musicpicturegal]

My husband needs a treatment program for his sexual addiction. After all of this happened, I found out that he has been addicted to porn for years. He denies that he is a homosexual and says openly that he was just in the relationships for gratification. He told me outright that he couldn't go without sex and therefore, he is in another relationship. He wants to do the right thing in his mind and that is why he wants a divorce so he can marry her. (She happens to share the same name that I do as well as the same middle initial. How weird is that?)

He is refusing all counseling with me. My fear is for my kids. There father is a sexual addict. One of his acts was with a man who was mentally challenged and currently lives in a group home. If he could "prey" on someone like that, what's to stop him from trying something with the children when he's alone with them. I truly don't know this man that I married.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry, that is very tough.
I think there is a big difference between sex addiction and paedophilia... though I can understand your concerns for your children. I hope that he gets the help he needs, and that your children remain happy and secure in all this.
Praying for you all.

 

[Johnnz]

You need to ensure your kids are safe as a priority.

You are rightfully angry and bitterness is understandable. These can't be allowed to continue forever, but they are normal responses to a situation such as yours. Acknowledge your pain and hurts in the present, and trust God to be there for you when you begin to address your feelings with Him at a later time.

John
NZ

 

[Kevin_Wright]

I'll pray for you

 

[musicpicturegal]

Thank you, Kevin.

 

[visionary]

I have seen and can testify to the abrupt changes that can occur when the spouse flips. You have a valid concern about how far your spouse has gone and what moral values does he have left.. some have none left.. therefore are completely unsafe for your children to be around. I would say supervised visitation only...

 

[musicpicturegal]

Thank you for your support. This has truly been the deepest valley and the most difficult trial I have ever been in, but through it all, the Lord has been good to me.

 

[visionary]

Be strong in the Lord, praying without ceasing, and drawing strength from Him, during this great trial... May the Lord bless you and your children during this time of healing and moving forward in life.

 

[kedata]

I am sorry to hear about all that you are going through. Divorce and separation gives rise to feelings similar to grief and your emotions are compounded by the grief of losing your father.

Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to get rid of all bitterness, anger and rage and to forgive as Christ forgave us.

Forgiving is a choice not a feeling. That anger at your husband will rise up each time he adds to the situation or something triggers it. You have to consciously pray and say that you are choosing to forgive because Christ forgave you first. Continue to pray for him and ask God to help you see him as the lost, confused child he is (as God sees him) so you can move past bitterness to a place of genuine concern for his relationship with God. Regardless of whether or not you are ever able to restore the marriage.

You are absolutely right to be first and foremost concerned for your children's safety. Your husband is not thinking clearly as he continues to justify his behavior.