struggling today

[lmarie23]

I've been doing pretty well lately and then last night I started struggling. Suddenly depression hit me and I just started thinking about how people don't really want me around, I'm tired of being the girl who has problems all the time, and all these things that maybe aren't even true. I mean, maybe it seems like people don't want me around, because it seems like I always have to be the one taking the initiative in my friendships - people don't call me, I have to call them first, but that doesn't mean they're not my friends. And just because I'm depressed a lot doesn't mean that they see me as the girl who has all these problems. Maybe just I see myself that way. But I don't know.

This afternoon I was so depressed I was contemplating suicide. But I would never actually act on it, I just think about it every once in a while. I was trying to take a nap at the time when the thoughts hit me. So I made myself get out of bed and go run errands for a while. Then I went to the library where my friend was working, and I talked to him for a while (it's a university library and in the summer hardly any one is there, so we can talk). It was a good talk, and he gave me a hug and tried to give me all the advice he could think of. That was nice.

Then I came home to find that the basement of our house was flooding because of the storms. And I want to just cuddle up and find a way to cheer myself up, but everyone in the family is on edge because of the flooding. And my mom has surgery tomorrow, so it seems selfish to be concerned about myself.

Just because I think about suicide sometimes, it doesn't mean anything, does it? I mean if I would never act on it? I was trying to convince my friend of this today and he wasn't convinced. He's worried about me.

Confused,

Lynne

 

[jess144]

Hey Lynne!

Sorry that you are having a bad day. I am glad that you came here and wrote about it. It seems to me like you handled the depression really well and instead of wallowing in it, you took active steps to feel better. (You challenged negative thoughts, then you got out of the house and ran errands, and then you talked with a friend). When I was working as a mental health worker we talked to the clients a lot about using "coping skills." Basically doing the positive things that make us feel better when we hit a rough spot.

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a few months now. I think that at times they scared me but at times I enjoyed thinking about it. Today I started thinking about it, but then I started to pray. It was different today, though, because I think that in the past my prayers were passive, kind of like, "Sheesh, God help me to not think about this." But then I would go back to thinking about it. But today I was like "God, I need Your help and I give these thoughts to You." Then I told myself, "You asked God to help you and He will." And He did! I think that for me I needed to couple my prayer with faith. Faith that God would help me through it and help lessen these thoughts.

And just thinking about it doesn't mean that you will do it. I was reading about a study that found that 1 out of 38 women reported having suicidal thoughts during that year. So suicidal thoughts are unfortunately more common than I thought they would be. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to struggle with them, though.

Lord, I ask in faith that you touch Lynne right now. Touch her mind and her spirit. I pray that You continue to send her blessings and that she will recongnize them. I pray that she would sense your sweet Spirit during this time and that she would know with out a doubt that You are with her.

Take care Lynne!
Your sister in Christ,
Jessica

 

[SobriaInebrietas]

Hello Lynne!

I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough day. I think Jessica put it very well. Remember Christ is with you, and pray your little heart out. He will answer your prayers. He will comfort you and help you in your time of need.

I am going to say a prayer for you too.

I hope you feel better soon!



Erin

 

[lmarie23]

Thank you so much, Jessica, and Erin, for your encouraging words and prayers. I especially liked what you said, Jessica, about coupling prayer with faith. I need to work on that. Today is a new day. My mom's surgery went well, our basement is not as flooded, and my depression's lifting a bit...

your sister in Christ,
Lynne