Struggling to Trust Jesus

[Ivan57]

Hello everyone, I'm fairly new to this forum. I'm Ivan. I sincerely apologize for the long post in advance, I just really need advice on a struggle I'm going through.

I am writing on this forum because I need advice from more mature believers. For the last few years, I have not been living as Jesus call us to. I believed in Him, but my walk was as far as do my best to try to avoid sins, repent when I do sin, and just kind of go about my life but make sure I try to honor Him. I was not plugged in anywhere either, I attended fellowship every now and then and read my Bible occasionally when I didn't know how to react to a situation or asked for forgiveness/repent over a sin I committed, but I never focused on my relationship with God. I have probably prayed for salvation several hundred times (no joke), not because a prayer saves me but because I feel like I wasn't sincere in asking Him each time.

Over the last couple months, I've realized how far I am from Him and how much I sinned, and I turned to Him to ask for forgiveness. I've been plugged into a fellowship group and Church on my campus now to help me grow and enjoy going. But there's one thing that I can't get over (I'll try to explain as best as I can, it's hard for me to put it in to words):

I lack a deep conviction of sin/godly sorrow. I confess I am a sinner, I need a Savior, and when I sin I am convicted and repent and seek to not do the sin again. But I don't have a truly deep conviction/godly sorrow. I pray that Jesus will forgive me and trust that He paid my penalty on the cross, but my reaction emotionally is just a casual "Thank You." I see other believers who are deeply in love with Him and have inexpressible joy for His work on the cross. But I don't have that. I am thankful for His sacrifice and want to follow Him, but I'm missing that connection. I know we don't live by emotions and it's not the basis of our faith, but most other believers I've been around have inexpressible joy over salvation and I don't. It causes me to worry I'm not doing something right. It's like I can't fully grasp the darkness of sin. I know it separates us from God, I know we need to be saved from it, I know we can't save ourselves, I know Jesus died to pay the penalty for it, but I'm missing that feeling in my soul. I'm not broken over my sin. I dislike it, and don't want to do it anymore, and am sorrowful because I failed God and rebelled, but I'm not broken over it. I am missing that godly sorrow and true loathing for it. I understand everything in my head and confess it as true and want to follow Jesus yet it feels as if it hasn't been grasped in my heart and need to grasp this before He will help me.

It makes me unable to truly grasp and appreciate what Jesus has done on the cross for me, and that breaks my heart. The fact that I can read and pray and seek Him yet not love Him inexpressibly makes me feel horrible and break down crying. I want to love Him, but it's like there's a part of my heart that says sin isn't that bad and not deserving of His wrath. That's the only thing I can think of that causes this. I know it is, and I have and do declare this truth. I forgot to mention that on top of this there is half of me that wants Him and half of me that doesn't. At my core, if everything else is taken away, I truly want Him. And if not that I truly want to want Him. I want to know Him and love Him, but I get these feelings and sense of being pulled away from Him. Sometimes part of me doesn't want to read the Bible or come to Him. It's like there's a deep part of me that doesn't want to be exposed for me sin, yet I confess it openly and don't deny it; like part of me isn't willing to grasp it. A part of me wants to desperately run to Him, but I feel unable to as the other part of me runs from Him with everything I am- sometimes when I pray it feels like my whole being turns from Him and wants to run away at full force, but I try to push on because I don't want to give up and live in sin. I feel like a tiny thread is the only thing holding me back from turning away completely, and it's like I have to force myself to believe and keep pursuing Him.

I know I can't change my heart, and sometimes I worry that it's God's will that I don't come to full understanding of the gospel. I read verses like Romans 9:22 "What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction?" feeling like He has given me over to my sin and am too hardened to repent. He is just, and His will be done. Sometimes I wonder if I was made/meant to lead others to Christ but perish myself. That scares me . I feel too unequipped and unable to have deep understanding of spiritual things and deep godly sorrow that I feel as if my heart is tricking me and just wants a "get out of jail free card" and thus I'm not saved and that's why I can't grasp these things. But I don't just want to be saved to be saved and live about my jolly life; I want to be saved because I want to be with Him and know Him and love Him and live for Him. I don't want to be idle in my faith like I was in the past, I'm talking action now by plugging into and sticking with fellowship not because it earns God's favor or makes me more righteous but because God says if we seek Him with all we are we will find Him. Yet I feel like I'm inauthentic and there's this part of me that wants to pull me away from it all. I feel like He won't help me because there's this rebellious part of me and I have to somehow deal with that first.

If I come to Him even with the part of me not wanting Him, even with my lack of deep conviction and grasp of the truth depths of sin's darkness and His glory, will He save me and give me understanding? Do I need to fully grasp and feel these things myself before I can come to Him? Or is he willing to help and save me even with all of this? If I confess my lack of godly sorrow over sin, my sins, my willingness and unwillingness and bring it to Him, will He change me and fill me with what I lack, even with the part of me that wants to hold back (I confess it and give it to Him, but I feel like because it's there He won't help me and I'm inauthentic)? I can't change myself, but I want to change. I've tried grasping these things on my own yet it leads to nothing. I see other people so easily understand the fullness of the gospel, and I understand it and believe it's true but that fullness of understanding and fire inside isn't in me. I feel like I wasn't meant to know Jesus and understand His truth and gospel. I can't change any of, but I worry I have to somehow before He is willing to help and change me. I just pray that He is willing to help me in this state. I'm not giving up and will keep pursuing fellowship and reading my Bible, I just feel sometimes that it's hopeless and need advice from those who have walked with Him longer/are more mature in their faith. I want to know Him and be authentic but it feels impossible. I never realized how far from I was walking in the past and it feels like I've confused myself too much to find truth.

Thank you for reading.

 

[R.A.M.]

Hello everyone, I'm fairly new to this forum. I'm Ivan. I sincerely apologize for the long post in advance, I just really need advice on a struggle I'm going through.

I am writing on this forum because I need advice from more mature believers. For the last few years, I have not been living as Jesus call us to. I believed in Him, but my walk was as far as do my best to try to avoid sins, repent when I do sin, and just kind of go about my life but make sure I try to honor Him. I was not plugged in anywhere either, I attended fellowship every now and then and read my Bible occasionally when I didn't know how to react to a situation or asked for forgiveness/repent over a sin I committed, but I never focused on my relationship with God. I have probably prayed for salvation several hundred times (no joke), not because a prayer saves me but because I feel like I wasn't sincere in asking Him each time.

Over the last couple months, I've realized how far I am from Him and how much I sinned, and I turned to Him to ask for forgiveness. I've been plugged into a fellowship group and Church on my campus now to help me grow and enjoy going. But there's one thing that I can't get over (I'll try to explain as best as I can, it's hard for me to put it in to words):

I lack a deep conviction of sin/godly sorrow. I confess I am a sinner, I need a Savior, and when I sin I am convicted and repent and seek to not do the sin again. But I don't have a truly deep conviction/godly sorrow. I pray that Jesus will forgive me and trust that He paid my penalty on the cross, but my reaction emotionally is just a casual "Thank You." I see other believers who are deeply in love with Him and have inexpressible joy for His work on the cross. But I don't have that. I am thankful for His sacrifice and want to follow Him, but I'm missing that connection. I know we don't live by emotions and it's not the basis of our faith, but most other believers I've been around have inexpressible joy over salvation and I don't. It causes me to worry I'm not doing something right. It's like I can't fully grasp the darkness of sin. I know it separates us from God, I know we need to be saved from it, I know we can't save ourselves, I know Jesus died to pay the penalty for it, but I'm missing that feeling in my soul. I'm not broken over my sin. I dislike it, and don't want to do it anymore, and am sorrowful because I failed God and rebelled, but I'm not broken over it. I am missing that godly sorrow and true loathing for it. I understand everything in my head and confess it as true and want to follow Jesus yet it feels as if it hasn't been grasped in my heart and need to grasp this before He will help me.

It makes me unable to truly grasp and appreciate what Jesus has done on the cross for me, and that breaks my heart. The fact that I can read and pray and seek Him yet not love Him inexpressibly makes me feel horrible and break down crying. I want to love Him, but it's like there's a part of my heart that says sin isn't that bad and not deserving of His wrath. That's the only thing I can think of that causes this. I know it is, and I have and do declare this truth. I forgot to mention that on top of this there is half of me that wants Him and half of me that doesn't. At my core, if everything else is taken away, I truly want Him. And if not that I truly want to want Him. I want to know Him and love Him, but I get these feelings and sense of being pulled away from Him. Sometimes part of me doesn't want to read the Bible or come to Him. It's like there's a deep part of me that doesn't want to be exposed for me sin, yet I confess it openly and don't deny it; like part of me isn't willing to grasp it. A part of me wants to desperately run to Him, but I feel unable to as the other part of me runs from Him with everything I am- sometimes when I pray it feels like my whole being turns from Him and wants to run away at full force, but I try to push on because I don't want to give up and live in sin. I feel like a tiny thread is the only thing holding me back from turning away completely, and it's like I have to force myself to believe and keep pursuing Him.

I know I can't change my heart, and sometimes I worry that it's God's will that I don't come to full understanding of the gospel. I read verses like Romans 9:22 "What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction?" feeling like He has given me over to my sin and am too hardened to repent. He is just, and His will be done. Sometimes I wonder if I was made/meant to lead others to Christ but perish myself. That scares me . I feel too unequipped and unable to have deep understanding of spiritual things and deep godly sorrow that I feel as if my heart is tricking me and just wants a "get out of jail free card" and thus I'm not saved and that's why I can't grasp these things. But I don't just want to be saved to be saved and live about my jolly life; I want to be saved because I want to be with Him and know Him and love Him and live for Him. I don't want to be idle in my faith like I was in the past, I'm talking action now by plugging into and sticking with fellowship not because it earns God's favor or makes me more righteous but because God says if we seek Him with all we are we will find Him. Yet I feel like I'm inauthentic and there's this part of me that wants to pull me away from it all. I feel like He won't help me because there's this rebellious part of me and I have to somehow deal with that first.

If I come to Him even with the part of me not wanting Him, even with my lack of deep conviction and grasp of the truth depths of sin's darkness and His glory, will He save me and give me understanding? Do I need to fully grasp and feel these things myself before I can come to Him? Or is he willing to help and save me even with all of this? If I confess my lack of godly sorrow over sin, my sins, my willingness and unwillingness and bring it to Him, will He change me and fill me with what I lack, even with the part of me that wants to hold back (I confess it and give it to Him, but I feel like because it's there He won't help me and I'm inauthentic)? I can't change myself, but I want to change. I've tried grasping these things on my own yet it leads to nothing. I see other people so easily understand the fullness of the gospel, and I understand it and believe it's true but that fullness of understanding and fire inside isn't in me. I feel like I wasn't meant to know Jesus and understand His truth and gospel. I can't change any of, but I worry I have to somehow before He is willing to help and change me. I just pray that He is willing to help me in this state. I'm not giving up and will keep pursuing fellowship and reading my Bible, I just feel sometimes that it's hopeless and need advice from those who have walked with Him longer/are more mature in their faith. I want to know Him and be authentic but it feels impossible. I never realized how far from I was walking in the past and it feels like I've confused myself too much to find truth.

Thank you for reading.

Well that is a truly heartfelt plea from one's heart. And that alone speaks volumes. You will be ok, please know that first.

There is a mountain of things I want to share with you. But before all of that, I am curious of two things.... is there a particular sin which you return to that you believe is the reason for seperation from Him? And two, have you asked Him to infill you with The Holy Spirit?

You are far closer than you realize, but I believe these two questions, answered honestly, will break the barrier between you now, and the you who is confident and fulfilled in your relationship with Christ.

 

[Ivan57]

Well that is a truly heartfelt plea from one's heart. And that alone speaks volumes. You will be ok, please know that first.

There is a mountain of things I want to share with you. But before all of that, I am curious of two things.... is there a particular sin which you return to that you believe is the reason for seperation from Him? And two, have you asked Him to infill you with The Holy Spirit?

You are far closer than you realize, but I believe these two questions, answered honestly, will break the barrier between you now, and the you who is confident and fulfilled in your relationship with Christ.

The sin that separated me from Him was idleness. I was never consistent in reading my Bible or fellowship and those things got put on the back-burner. I'd try to apply the Word to my life, but often would kind of store it in the back, not to live in sin but I would just focus on what is currently going on in my life, hanging out with friends and hobbies (not that those are bad things, but I wasn't including God in it anymore than trying to avoid sin). I would avoid sin to the best of my ability (I did fail often and repented of it, but in those times I wasn't grounded well so the cycle would repeat), but eventually I got to a place where I fell to temptation so easily it was almost as if resistance to it was non-existent. This led to going back and forth between being close to God for a short while and then falling back into sin. Eventually, I don't know what specifically happened but I just prayed and started to want to really change. This started about two months ago. All of a sudden I was hit with a lot of guilt and regret over what I was doing (the most prominent sins were strong lust and selfishness/focusing on myself and my own life), and I just prayed for help. That led to where I am now, where I have a fellowship group and Church I now attend regularly (I've made a lot of friends with other believers and have a support group now). I realized that my view of God was very small, and I realized that I my faith revolved around just trusting that Jesus forgave me and avoiding sin (which, as stated earlier, failed horribly as I did it on my own power). I realized that faith is a relationship with Him, and I have started seeking Him the best I can. Now that I am surrounding myself in the light, I realize how broken my heart is (i.e. my original post above). I see how far I have fallen and that it got to a point where a large part of me wants to live for myself. Throughout my whole faith (I first believed 5 and a half years ago) there was always a part of me, in my darkest times very small, that always ended up turning back to the Lord. I realize this is not of myself, but of God. I've been slowly realizing that God isn't out to get me, but to save me. I often struggled with thoughts of God being extremely angry with me and not wanting to help me because of what I've done and the state of my heart. If I'm being honest, a lot of the times when I spend time in the Word I feel condemned, more in the sense of God hating me and me being beyond hope. I worried excessively that the state of my heart made me unable to be reached, but I am starting to think these are just lies from the enemy. 1 John 3:20 says "If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." I am guilty before God because of my sin, but He came into the world to save the world and not condemn it; I'm slowly getting out of my old mindset of Him looking to condemn me and realize He is trying to lead me to Him and repentance and help me. But my lack of feeling these things in my soul makes me doubt if I'm being authentic (what I talked about in my main post)

I have asked to be filled with His Holy Spirit, that is actually something I've been thinking about the last few days, how we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to live the faith. I will be honest and say that I do have hesitation and am holding back in asking because I know being filled with the Spirit leads to great change. And that is what I am trying to desire and truly want. I guess I'm just worried what such a great change would be like. It's half afraid of just what such a change is like, and the other half of realizing that it means not choosing to sin anymore. My heart wants to sin yet I don't, and I want to acknowledge this and not hide it because it is something that needs to be dealt with. I think right now, even though everything is crazy, He is showing me who He is. My whole walk I had many things wrong, made many wrong assumptions about Him, and He is teaching me who He really is. I think a lot of my doubt stems from me having these wrong ideas and being hesitant to trust Him. That's where a lot of this stems from I believe. I have this false image of Him that is ready to condemn and when I read the Word everything is filtered through that. One of my main prayers recently has been that He reveals who He truly is to me and shows me His glory; I want to behold Him as He is because I know seeing Him will change me, I just worry that I am being selfish in asking. I don't deserve to see God and even though my heart sometimes tells me that I'm fine where I am and makes me feel like I'm somehow worthy to meet Him, I know I am not worthy and that it's up to His Grace and will to reveal Himself to me.

The not feeling completely broken over sin is a major thing too (I think my heart somehow thinks I'm worthy of coming to Him in some way, but I know this isn't true and I'm only saved and made Holy because of Jesus. It's like my heart doesn't accept that but in my soul I do), but I'm starting to think that I don't have to get all of these things in place before He helps me. I think and my hope is that by coming to Him with all the good and ugly and lack of understanding He will give me what I lack as I grow. I've been trying to change my mindset before coming to Him, but I think that I'm supposed to bring it to Him to change. Because on my own I have been able to change nothing.

If I had to sum everything up in the best way that I can it'd be this:

A large part of me wants to live for myself and turn away, but in my soul I know what is right and I desire to change and love/life for Him, but it feels I'm unable as my heart loves sin too much and somehow thinks I am in someway worthy of His Grace even though I keep telling myself that's a lie and read His word to try and change that. I am willing to be made willing, if that makes sense. I'm just worried that if I ask for help He won't help me because of the unwillingness in me and my heart unable to grasp these things, but it is impossible for me alone to change that. I pray that He would take it all and change me, because I can't change myself. It's just doubt whether He hears me or not and if I'm being authentic.

I wrote another essay, I apologize for that. It's so hard for me to summarize things, and I'd rather take space and articulate my heart as well as I can than omit anything. I know many things may go back and forth, it's me battling between what I am learning and the mistakes and presumptions I have created during my past.

Thank you so much for responding and your help in all of this. If you respond again I'll respond as soon as I can and answer any other questions. Thank you.

 

[R.A.M.]

The sin that separated me from Him was idleness. I was never consistent in reading my Bible or fellowship and those things got put on the back-burner. I'd try to apply the Word to my life, but often would kind of store it in the back, not to live in sin but I would just focus on what is currently going on in my life, hanging out with friends and hobbies (not that those are bad things, but I wasn't including God in it anymore than trying to avoid sin). I would avoid sin to the best of my ability (I did fail often and repented of it, but in those times I wasn't grounded well so the cycle would repeat), but eventually I got to a place where I fell to temptation so easily it was almost as if resistance to it was non-existent. This led to going back and forth between being close to God for a short while and then falling back into sin. Eventually, I don't know what specifically happened but I just prayed and started to want to really change. This started about two months ago. All of a sudden I was hit with a lot of guilt and regret over what I was doing (the most prominent sins were strong lust and selfishness/focusing on myself and my own life), and I just prayed for help. That led to where I am now, where I have a fellowship group and Church I now attend regularly (I've made a lot of friends with other believers and have a support group now). I realized that my view of God was very small, and I realized that I my faith revolved around just trusting that Jesus forgave me and avoiding sin (which, as stated earlier, failed horribly as I did it on my own power). I realized that faith is a relationship with Him, and I have started seeking Him the best I can. Now that I am surrounding myself in the light, I realize how broken my heart is (i.e. my original post above). I see how far I have fallen and that it got to a point where a large part of me wants to live for myself. Throughout my whole faith (I first believed 5 and a half years ago) there was always a part of me, in my darkest times very small, that always ended up turning back to the Lord. I realize this is not of myself, but of God. I've been slowly realizing that God isn't out to get me, but to save me. I often struggled with thoughts of God being extremely angry with me and not wanting to help me because of what I've done and the state of my heart. If I'm being honest, a lot of the times when I spend time in the Word I feel condemned, more in the sense of God hating me and me being beyond hope. I worried excessively that the state of my heart made me unable to be reached, but I am starting to think these are just lies from the enemy. 1 John 3:20 says "If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." I am guilty before God because of my sin, but He came into the world to save the world and not condemn it; I'm slowly getting out of my old mindset of Him looking to condemn me and realize He is trying to lead me to Him and repentance and help me. But my lack of feeling these things in my soul makes me doubt if I'm being authentic (what I talked about in my main post)

I have asked to be filled with His Holy Spirit, that is actually something I've been thinking about the last few days, how we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to live the faith. I will be honest and say that I do have hesitation and am holding back in asking because I know being filled with the Spirit leads to great change. And that is what I am trying to desire and truly want. I guess I'm just worried what such a great change would be like. It's half afraid of just what such a change is like, and the other half of realizing that it means not choosing to sin anymore. My heart wants to sin yet I don't, and I want to acknowledge this and not hide it because it is something that needs to be dealt with. I think right now, even though everything is crazy, He is showing me who He is. My whole walk I had many things wrong, made many wrong assumptions about Him, and He is teaching me who He really is. I think a lot of my doubt stems from me having these wrong ideas and being hesitant to trust Him. That's where a lot of this stems from I believe. I have this false image of Him that is ready to condemn and when I read the Word everything is filtered through that. One of my main prayers recently has been that He reveals who He truly is to me and shows me His glory; I want to behold Him as He is because I know seeing Him will change me, I just worry that I am being selfish in asking. I don't deserve to see God and even though my heart sometimes tells me that I'm fine where I am and makes me feel like I'm somehow worthy to meet Him, I know I am not worthy and that it's up to His Grace and will to reveal Himself to me.

The not feeling completely broken over sin is a major thing too (I think my heart somehow thinks I'm worthy of coming to Him in some way, but I know this isn't true and I'm only saved and made Holy because of Jesus. It's like my heart doesn't accept that but in my soul I do), but I'm starting to think that I don't have to get all of these things in place before He helps me. I think and my hope is that by coming to Him with all the good and ugly and lack of understanding He will give me what I lack as I grow. I've been trying to change my mindset before coming to Him, but I think that I'm supposed to bring it to Him to change. Because on my own I have been able to change nothing.

If I had to sum everything up in the best way that I can it'd be this:

A large part of me wants to live for myself and turn away, but in my soul I know what is right and I desire to change and love/life for Him, but it feels I'm unable as my heart loves sin too much and somehow thinks I am in someway worthy of His Grace even though I keep telling myself that's a lie and read His word to try and change that. I am willing to be made willing, if that makes sense. I'm just worried that if I ask for help He won't help me because of the unwillingness in me and my heart unable to grasp these things, but it is impossible for me alone to change that. I pray that He would take it all and change me, because I can't change myself. It's just doubt whether He hears me or not and if I'm being authentic.

I wrote another essay, I apologize for that. It's so hard for me to summarize things, and I'd rather take space and articulate my heart as well as I can than omit anything. I know many things may go back and forth, it's me battling between what I am learning and the mistakes and presumptions I have created during my past.

Thank you so much for responding and your help in all of this. If you respond again I'll respond as soon as I can and answer any other questions. Thank you.

Please get some sleep lol.
There is ALOT I can share with you about humanity's relationship with sin, especially as believers. Fact is that the removal of sin from one's life IS a lifelong process. This is something that God actually states in The Word is a process which lasts for our entire earthly lives.

We are never sinless during our lives. However we are accepted and adopted as Heirs to the throne through the Blood of Christ. Which means that through Him, we are fully accepted and loved. The caveat however is that vines which do not produce fruit are pruned. So a vine most produce fruit if it is to stay apart of the vineyard.

Spiritual fruit, is produced through a process. First is the acceptance of Christ, His blood, and His Word. Next is the lifelong process of standing against our own sin. We never become perfect, but we march ever closer through The Blood. It's a never ending struggle. The next step Is proper discernment of The Word. Finally is accurate and hopefully effective discemination of The Word.

All plants bear fruit. But not for themselves. All things bear fruit for those who eat their fruit and live because of it.

This is our/your purpose. Your struggle will give you a unique perspective which will reach the people who need to hear the message that you have found for you.

So back to the point at hand, you need the infilling of The Holy Spirit, and to hold on to Christ, while praying for and pursuing true discernment.

It's all a process. And the longer we take to let God help us, the longer it takes for us to get closer to Him. But your heart is obviously one which can accomplish great things through The Blood.

Pray for wisdom, and the strength to abide by that wisdom. Pray for revelation, and a heart to accept it. Pray for deeper biblical knowledge, and a mind which can grasp it. You are on the precipice of great fulfillment and turnaround

 

[Norbert L]

Hello everyone, I'm fairly new to this forum. I'm Ivan. I sincerely apologize for the long post in advance, I just really need advice on a struggle I'm going through.

I am writing on this forum because I need advice from more mature believers. For the last few years, I have not been living as Jesus call us to. I believed in Him, but my walk was as far as do my best to try to avoid sins, repent when I do sin, and just kind of go about my life but make sure I try to honor Him. I was not plugged in anywhere either, I attended fellowship every now and then and read my Bible occasionally when I didn't know how to react to a situation or asked for forgiveness/repent over a sin I committed, but I never focused on my relationship with God. I have probably prayed for salvation several hundred times (no joke), not because a prayer saves me but because I feel like I wasn't sincere in asking Him each time.

Over the last couple months, I've realized how far I am from Him and how much I sinned, and I turned to Him to ask for forgiveness. I've been plugged into a fellowship group and Church on my campus now to help me grow and enjoy going. But there's one thing that I can't get over (I'll try to explain as best as I can, it's hard for me to put it in to words):

I lack a deep conviction of sin/godly sorrow. I confess I am a sinner, I need a Savior, and when I sin I am convicted and repent and seek to not do the sin again. But I don't have a truly deep conviction/godly sorrow. I pray that Jesus will forgive me and trust that He paid my penalty on the cross, but my reaction emotionally is just a casual "Thank You." I see other believers who are deeply in love with Him and have inexpressible joy for His work on the cross. But I don't have that. I am thankful for His sacrifice and want to follow Him, but I'm missing that connection. I know we don't live by emotions and it's not the basis of our faith, but most other believers I've been around have inexpressible joy over salvation and I don't. It causes me to worry I'm not doing something right. It's like I can't fully grasp the darkness of sin. I know it separates us from God, I know we need to be saved from it, I know we can't save ourselves, I know Jesus died to pay the penalty for it, but I'm missing that feeling in my soul. I'm not broken over my sin. I dislike it, and don't want to do it anymore, and am sorrowful because I failed God and rebelled, but I'm not broken over it. I am missing that godly sorrow and true loathing for it. I understand everything in my head and confess it as true and want to follow Jesus yet it feels as if it hasn't been grasped in my heart and need to grasp this before He will help me.

It makes me unable to truly grasp and appreciate what Jesus has done on the cross for me, and that breaks my heart. The fact that I can read and pray and seek Him yet not love Him inexpressibly makes me feel horrible and break down crying. I want to love Him, but it's like there's a part of my heart that says sin isn't that bad and not deserving of His wrath. That's the only thing I can think of that causes this. I know it is, and I have and do declare this truth. I forgot to mention that on top of this there is half of me that wants Him and half of me that doesn't. At my core, if everything else is taken away, I truly want Him. And if not that I truly want to want Him. I want to know Him and love Him, but I get these feelings and sense of being pulled away from Him. Sometimes part of me doesn't want to read the Bible or come to Him. It's like there's a deep part of me that doesn't want to be exposed for me sin, yet I confess it openly and don't deny it; like part of me isn't willing to grasp it. A part of me wants to desperately run to Him, but I feel unable to as the other part of me runs from Him with everything I am- sometimes when I pray it feels like my whole being turns from Him and wants to run away at full force, but I try to push on because I don't want to give up and live in sin. I feel like a tiny thread is the only thing holding me back from turning away completely, and it's like I have to force myself to believe and keep pursuing Him.

I know I can't change my heart, and sometimes I worry that it's God's will that I don't come to full understanding of the gospel. I read verses like Romans 9:22 "What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction?" feeling like He has given me over to my sin and am too hardened to repent. He is just, and His will be done. Sometimes I wonder if I was made/meant to lead others to Christ but perish myself. That scares me . I feel too unequipped and unable to have deep understanding of spiritual things and deep godly sorrow that I feel as if my heart is tricking me and just wants a "get out of jail free card" and thus I'm not saved and that's why I can't grasp these things. But I don't just want to be saved to be saved and live about my jolly life; I want to be saved because I want to be with Him and know Him and love Him and live for Him. I don't want to be idle in my faith like I was in the past, I'm talking action now by plugging into and sticking with fellowship not because it earns God's favor or makes me more righteous but because God says if we seek Him with all we are we will find Him. Yet I feel like I'm inauthentic and there's this part of me that wants to pull me away from it all. I feel like He won't help me because there's this rebellious part of me and I have to somehow deal with that first.

If I come to Him even with the part of me not wanting Him, even with my lack of deep conviction and grasp of the truth depths of sin's darkness and His glory, will He save me and give me understanding? Do I need to fully grasp and feel these things myself before I can come to Him? Or is he willing to help and save me even with all of this? If I confess my lack of godly sorrow over sin, my sins, my willingness and unwillingness and bring it to Him, will He change me and fill me with what I lack, even with the part of me that wants to hold back (I confess it and give it to Him, but I feel like because it's there He won't help me and I'm inauthentic)? I can't change myself, but I want to change. I've tried grasping these things on my own yet it leads to nothing. I see other people so easily understand the fullness of the gospel, and I understand it and believe it's true but that fullness of understanding and fire inside isn't in me. I feel like I wasn't meant to know Jesus and understand His truth and gospel. I can't change any of, but I worry I have to somehow before He is willing to help and change me. I just pray that He is willing to help me in this state. I'm not giving up and will keep pursuing fellowship and reading my Bible, I just feel sometimes that it's hopeless and need advice from those who have walked with Him longer/are more mature in their faith. I want to know Him and be authentic but it feels impossible. I never realized how far from I was walking in the past and it feels like I've confused myself too much to find truth.

Thank you for reading.

It sounds to me that you're experiencing Christian shell shock. When I first believed, something a pastor said stuck with me because I could identify with it. He had the experience of talking to many new Christians and he found a trend with many of them. They accepted Christ figuring that their problems would become less, instead they found out their problems got worse. It's not an easy path, it's a narrow path, the wide path is the easy path. Just keep going forward.

 

[lee11]

Hi

It is good that you have acknowledge there is something you believe is missing in your personal relationship with Jesus that you want to amend.

There is no substitute for renewing your mind and transforming, this is the key to getting to know Jesus better and developing a more intimate relationship with him.

You will find the longer and more consistently you read the word of God, the more your mind body soul and spirit will transform and you will develop the fruits of the Spirit in your life.

As you know It’s not enough to simply skim through the word of God, because basically you are starving and diminishing your spirit man.

Which is effecting your growth and progress to understand and comprehend the depth, and width of Gods teachings and promises.

They are your inheritance and birth right, the more intimate and familiar you become with the word of God the more wisdom and revelation God is able to reveal to you.

Take one day at a time it is a process, stay in the NT for now as this is where you will get the maximum renewal and transformation for your spirit man.

Just develop a consistent program you can follow.

I hope this helps

Peace.