Struggling to Respect My Future Husband (Feeling Superior)

[Kayla Karenina]

Hi Everyone,

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

God bless

 

[Ghostjunkie]

Ephesians 5:22-24 If you cannot abide by this, then find another man to whom you can. Again, refer to 1 Corinthians 14 if you are confused as to why you are finding this difficult.

 

[Emmylouwho]

Hi Everyone,

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

God bless

How did you meet this guy? Why were you initially attracted to him?

 

[blackribbon]

Submitting is a choice. It is really submitting and trusting God. If you marry him and you don't submit to him, even when you don't agree with his decisions, then your pride is saying that you know better than God.

If you don't feel like he is someone you can submit to and allow him to be the leader of your family, please let him go. Your choice stops when you say "I do". Exercise it now. Choose to trust God and him, or let him find someone who will. As a Christian man, he deserves a woman dedicated to being a Christian wife.

I will pray for you.

 

[Emmylouwho]

Submitting is a choice. It is really submitting and trusting God. If you marry him and you don't submit to him, even when you don't agree with his decisions, then your pride is saying that you know better than God.

If you don't feel like he is someone you can submit to and allow him to be the leader of your family, please let him go. Your choice stops when you say "I do". Exercise it now. Choose to trust God and him, or let him find someone who will. As a Christian man, he deserves a woman dedicated to being a Christian wife.

I will pray for you.

Black ribbon, we don’t know the backstory here. Don’t do a guilt trip thing on her. She deserves a man who makes her feel safe. Right?

 

[Ghostjunkie]

Black ribbon, we don’t know the backstory here. Don’t do a guilt trip thing on her. She deserves a man who makes her feel safe. Right?

I'm afraid this is a facts over feelings sort of case. If the truth of scripture hurts, that is sad, but you cannot change the Word of God to appease someone's feelings. There was no guilt in his message, only truth and love. There is a divine order to things, with an intelligent design. It is controversial and not "PC" to profess certain truths, but truths they remain, nevertheless.

 

[PloverWing]

The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.

You and your fiance (like any two people) have your own individual strengths and areas of expertise. Would you be content with a marriage in which you share leadership, so that you lead in the areas where you're stronger, and he leads in the areas where he's stronger?

 

[Kayla Karenina]

Thank you for all the replies.

Just a background info, my fiance is a very loving, caring person and I love him so much.

Maybe the question should be on: How to learn to respect him more as my future husband to be when I'm a very independent, strong in leadership, and a quite dominant woman in general (due to my upbringing and life background)?
On the other hand, he is a very patient and quite introvert man...

 

[Dropout_Theologian]

Respect is a choice made over and over. At risk of triggering feminists, perhaps use the words of respect. Yes sir would be a sign of respect. Sarah referred to Abraham as lord, or master, I can't recall which. I refer to my dad as sir and my mom as ma'am out of respect and good training.

 

[Ghostjunkie]

Despite what every feminist will try to tell you, women have an innate drive to marry up. Those that climb into high positions of authority, leadership, and success often find themselves with a diminished pool of satisfactory mates, and often end up either alone, or settling for lesser mates that do not satisfy them. This makes women unhappy. People have this nasty habit of chasing things they think they want, only to find that it only leads to disharmony with the greater design. I cannot tell you what to do; all I can tell you is what social sciences have concluded, what the bible confirms, and what I have observed with my own eyes. Women need a mate that can lead, that can take charge, that can protect, that can guide spiritually. A man that is very loving, caring, patient, and introverted? These are typically feminine traits. Your success and superiority and drive? These are typically masculine traits. Neither of you seem to be embracing your God-given roles very well. Women need to fulfill a submissive role, not because they are inferior, but that is their designed purpose, and any person, thing, or creature that defies its own nature does so at its own peril. Everything I know tells me this marriage is a bad idea, but people are going to do what they are going to do. I know I never listened to people when they were trying to tell me what I was doing was a mistake. God bless you.

 

[ChicanaRose]

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.

Then you still have time to pray and think this over.

Did you have doubts at the time of engagement, or in a more recent months?

 

[klutedavid]

Hi Everyone,

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

God bless

Gee that's a tough one. I hope someone can help you with that problem.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Hi Everyone,

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

God bless

My first wife had the same struggles because she saw herself as a more cultured person than me, even though we were both Christians from the same church. She lasted eight years with me, and after she could not change me into someone she thought I should be, she became depressed and left. It was a devastating time for me, and I went through around 7 years of storm and stress after it until the Holy Spirit put me back on the right path and allowed me to marry again (after my first wife remarried). My present wife and I have been happily married 29 years. This is because we respect for each other and accept each other for who we are. I am Calvinist Pentecostal and my wife has a Catholic background. God has a sense of humour in the way he put us together!

I would hate for you to go through what my first wife went through, and what she put me through. It took me seven years to stop being angry at the sense of being lied to and betrayed by a wife who pretended everything was okay when it wasn't.

 

[Sketcher]

Hi Everyone,

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

God bless

That's the sin of pride. You're talking about spiritual growth, yet you're being haughty over him and others at church. That does not indicate the love and the humility that comes with real spiritual maturity.

Read daily and internalize Romans 12, Philippians 2:1-8, and James 3:17. Give respect. Real leaders do that. If it's good enough for them, it's certainly good enough for you.

 

[Tolworth John]

Hi Everyone,

I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

God bless

May I suggest you talk with your intended about that you need a marriage preparation course NOW and ask him to arrange one.
Ask what ever idiot set that rule how they will councel couples who have married but find they weren't properly prepared for marriage.

Why are you comparing him with other men?
How would you feel if you learnt he was comparing you with other women?
The line in the marriage service, 'foresaking All other' really does mean giving up comparing your partner with other men/women.

You decided to marry him, so concentrate on his good qualities, marriage is a partnership a joining of strengthens and weaknesses.
Yes you are commanded to submit/obey how hard is that when he loves you sacrificaly like Jesus love for the church.
That you have not understood this shows your boast of spiritual maturity is just a boast.

 

[bèlla]

Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later.

Respect: high or special regard; esteem.
Esteem: to set a high value on; regard highly and prize accordingly.

When we speak of respect, we are addressing our esteem for the other person. But notice what’s absent. ‘In relation to’ is missing. There’s no comparison or standard.

Respect is borne from our estimation of their worth and value to us. If you are gauging his worthiness in light of your own (or other men) he’ll always fall short.

You must be willing to recognize who he is and what he does on its own merit. When you are operating with preconceptions and prejudices, you’ll never appreciate the wonder of his person and the many things he brings into your life.

You’ll devolve into useless measurements that reference the bigger spoils and readily ignore the little matters that keep a relationship afloat. You’ll ignore his strengths and diminish him in your mind and heart.

The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.

I’m going to share a portion of a note I composed two weeks ago. It touches on the things you said above. It was the result of my response to a thread (post #5) which inspired my gratitude.

I respect and admire my companion. I see no way to separate the two and I am in awe because my heart sees him as he is and dwells on what is good and pleasing for my betterment and his.

I have no interest in disputes. They violate my peace and his and are the result of emotional reactions and pride. Nothing good ever comes out of strife. My commitment must compel me to stand down.

Besting him, debates, and all the rest are attributes of rebelliousness. He will err as will I; but he forbears with my mistakes and I must do the same. You’ve taught me the value of forbearance and I’m thankful.

While I’ve celebrated my strength and autonomy it has harmed me as well. The absence of another’s guidance has left me without the correction I require. I’m left to my own devices and we rarely chasten ourselves as we ought. A nice measure of no and discipline would serve me well. I will endeavor to remember the joy I felt when I heard good girl or well done.

Your patience astounds me. As does your tolerance. There were many opportunities when you could have behaved otherwise. You extended a kindness and privilege that I won’t forget. And helped me far more than I realized at the time.

Love isn’t a script. When we get down to the nitty gritty truth there isn’t much we won’t do for the one we love if we really love them. Fully and wholly so.

Thank you for everything...

The person I addressed isn’t a believer. But his knowledge of the bible and related subjects exceeds my own. I have a lot of Word in me and direct experience with the Lord. But he’s more akin to an apologist. He knows the subject well. When he comes to faith he’ll outpace me. ;-)

If I focused on our differences and permitted myself to view him in a negative guise. I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’d miss the opportunity to confront my fears and insecurities in a safe environment. My mind would be filled with fanciful notions that went unmet and unchallenged.

For seven years he provided a respite and allowed me to bear my soul without reproach. I had the time I needed to reconcile the challenges of my faith and the life I left behind. I gave up everything. Including him.

Nevertheless, the Lord utilized that period to minister to my heart while I labored for him in prayer. I learned the meaning of love through him. And I discovered the power of a woman’s words and the positive impact we have if we’re willing to use them well.

What a man needs most is a woman who believes in him. And someone who’s willing to walk by his side as he improves. He doesn’t need a judge, jury, or condemnation. The world gives him that in spades.

He wants an oasis. A resting place from the demands and hardships he encounters. He needs someone he can trust and bare himself to without concern she’ll use his revelations against him at a later date.

He craves someone who sees him. Really sees him as he is. Amidst his imperfections and stumbles. And loves him in spite of them.

If you can’t look beyond yourself and the superficial things you’re measuring him against. You aren’t ready to love. You aren’t prepared to forbear and sacrifice. You aren’t looking for marriage. You’re seeking an ideal that doesn’t exist.

Have you considered the possibility that he sees you as you are and accepts you anyway? Have you contemplated that he knows your thoughts and doesn’t hold them against you?

 

[A_Thinker]

Black ribbon, we don’t know the backstory here. Don’t do a guilt trip thing on her. She deserves a man who makes her feel safe. Right?

She "deserves" a man with which she can truly bond ..

 

[tampasteve]

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[St. Helens]

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