Struggling to forgive

[BriannaR]

Hi. I’m new, but looking for some help. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. I experienced a lot of abuse as a child and became active in speaking out against abuse early in college years, before meeting my husband. I would give speeches and write about the dangers of pornography. He even helped edit my speeches at times. We were both Christians and friends for a year or so before dating. When it seemed like we might be heading towards marriage we sat down to discuss our pasts. It was very important to me that we share everything so there were no surprises and we could avoid hurting each other or wasting time. I specifically brought up topics about porn and sex. He told me that his brother had shown him porn once, but that was the extent of his exposure to porn. This topic also came up during premarital counseling and again he assured me the one time was as far as it went.

Fast forward to 14 years into marriage. He feels convicted during a sermon and repents of his porn usage, confessing to the pastor, who then made him confess to me. I was freaked out and fearful of him and we had to work through a lot before moving forward. I forgave him and all seemed good.

Fast forward another 14 years (2 years ago now), and he confesses that he never really stopped back then, but has finally stopped now. This was already a difficult time in our marriage because every week or so he was confessing some old sin he committed against me that I was unaware he had done. This continued for about a year, each confession followed by a longer time period before the next. Well, he left the biggest lie for his last confession. He confessed that he purposely lied to me about his porn usage before marriage, that he had actually used porn all through high school and college. When I asked him why he would do this, he said he knew I wouldn’t marry him if I knew the truth.
He is in an accountability program and meets in a group once a week, so he says he is “clean”. I can finally forgive the porn usage, but I can’t get past the fact that he lied so I would marry him. I feel like he stole my life from me. I wouldn’t have married him if I knew and many of the difficulties in our marriage and possibly, even those with our children, might never have happened. He was a Christian and everyone from coleaders in campus ministry with him to pastors all thought he was a godly man. I didn’t rush into marriage. I did my “due diligence”, but I didn’t expect my friend to lie to me at all, let alone about such an important topic. I don’t know how to get past this. It’s not like this is fixable. He can’t give me the last thirty years back. He says he’s sorry, but I still don’t know how to forgive this or trust him again. Any advice welcome. Oh, but he doesn’t want to go to ongoing counseling, since he is doing so well with his issues. Help!!!

 

[ColoRaydo]

I’m trying to understand the real problem. So tell me if this is right.

1. You have forgiven him of the secret porn problem because he has repented and is being held accountable by you and a men’s support group.

2. You would have never married him if you knew he watched porn and thus you feel like you’ve wasted your life with a man who watched porn in secret for years.

3. Many of the problems you have had with him as well as the problems in your family have been caused by his secret.

If those are correct, do you honestly feel that a life with him has really been a waste? Has it been a lousy marriage because of the porn? Would it have been totally different if it weren’t for the porn? Or do you really feel betrayed because he was lusting over other women? Or do you feel betrayed because he secretly engaged in something that he knew to which you would object?

I’ll tell you my opinion if I’m not totally off base with my understanding.

 

[BriannaR]

You’re close, ColoRaydo.

Has it been a lousy marriage? Parts of it have been hideous. Would it have been different w/o the porn? I don’t know. I think the constant lying is worse, although I do think our son discovered his secret, which then affected him. Has my life been wasted? Parts have been, yes. His lies destroyed our relationships at churches, forced me to leave ministries I was involved in, made me doubt my own judgement and perception of people. I can’t even tell when he’s lying, what else have I been blind about?

Most men (and some women) lust and have to deal with that, fine. We all have problem sins. We work on them. We are honest about the struggle.

The betrayal isn’t that he engaged in something I wouldn’t approve of him doing. It is:

1- that he lied in order to marry me. He tricked me. He took one of my greatest worries and fears and completely disregarded it so he could get what he wanted. He was a Christian. Is this Christian love? He certainly wasn’t putting my welfare ahead of his.

2- this isn’t just something that I just didn’t approve of, this is a serious sin problem, that I was terrified to deal with in a marriage, and he knew it! When his porn usage came out the first time it was weeks before I even felt safe in the same room with him. I had to deal with flashbacks of my abuse. It’s not like he started smoking even though I think it’s a gross habit.

I hope this clarifies things.

Kathi

 

[Ricky M]

What are your options?

Stay with him, and work on it as much as he will

or

Leave him.

 

[BriannaR]

I’m not looking to leave him. I just don’t know how to get past the betrayal of lying to get me to marry him. I’m looking for help on how to pray, things to read, some way to get past this and learn to trust him again.

 

[createdtoworship]

Hi. I’m new, but looking for some help. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. I experienced a lot of abuse as a child and became active in speaking out against abuse early in college years, before meeting my husband. I would give speeches and write about the dangers of pornography. He even helped edit my speeches at times. We were both Christians and friends for a year or so before dating. When it seemed like we might be heading towards marriage we sat down to discuss our pasts. It was very important to me that we share everything so there were no surprises and we could avoid hurting each other or wasting time. I specifically brought up topics about porn and sex. He told me that his brother had shown him porn once, but that was the extent of his exposure to porn. This topic also came up during premarital counseling and again he assured me the one time was as far as it went.

Fast forward to 14 years into marriage. He feels convicted during a sermon and repents of his porn usage, confessing to the pastor, who then made him confess to me. I was freaked out and fearful of him and we had to work through a lot before moving forward. I forgave him and all seemed good.

Fast forward another 14 years (2 years ago now), and he confesses that he never really stopped back then, but has finally stopped now. This was already a difficult time in our marriage because every week or so he was confessing some old sin he committed against me that I was unaware he had done. This continued for about a year, each confession followed by a longer time period before the next. Well, he left the biggest lie for his last confession. He confessed that he purposely lied to me about his porn usage before marriage, that he had actually used porn all through high school and college. When I asked him why he would do this, he said he knew I wouldn’t marry him if I knew the truth.
He is in an accountability program and meets in a group once a week, so he says he is “clean”. I can finally forgive the porn usage, but I can’t get past the fact that he lied so I would marry him. I feel like he stole my life from me. I wouldn’t have married him if I knew and many of the difficulties in our marriage and possibly, even those with our children, might never have happened. He was a Christian and everyone from coleaders in campus ministry with him to pastors all thought he was a godly man. I didn’t rush into marriage. I did my “due diligence”, but I didn’t expect my friend to lie to me at all, let alone about such an important topic. I don’t know how to get past this. It’s not like this is fixable. He can’t give me the last thirty years back. He says he’s sorry, but I still don’t know how to forgive this or trust him again. Any advice welcome. Oh, but he doesn’t want to go to ongoing counseling, since he is doing so well with his issues. Help!!!

Well God is sovereign. If porn usage was forbidden for christian men prior to marriage very few men would be married. 80% addiction rate among men and 30% addiction rate among pastors even. So it's an addictive sin that needs special tools such as fasting, prayer, and couseling and/or accountability. I have been free for 5 years but before that I was addicted for over 20 years, all through high school etc. I was saved my senior year so that was 20 years of Christianity there, still in bondage. However I do recommend cancelling cable and movies. For me the hardest addiction to concur was self gratification to fantasy. If he had an addiction to porn it's good that that is concurred but now on to the hard part, removing fantasy from the thought life all together. For me that took fasting and prayer. I overcame this about 7 months ago and failed once in the last 13 months (about 6 months ago). So I am about a year roughly in victory, but I only count the last 6 months. But yeah I would confront him on that part so their is no suprises. BTW everyone I know of that was addicted to porn was also addicted to self gratification, so don't let him tell you He is good. Make sure, ask him if he is lying. If he is still struggling ask him when the last time happened. Write it down and start fasting and praying for victory. It will come in time.

Regarding forgiveness, this is important. Christ commands forgiveness actually. You don't have to trust him but you must forgive it's a command. Forgive them even if they are not sorry. when you begin to pray for the people you have bitterness towards, it's hard to be angry

 

[BriannaR]

Well God is sovereign. If porn usage was forbidden for christian men prior to marriage very few men would be married. 80% addiction rate among men and 30% addiction rate among pastors even. So it's an addictive sin that needs special tools such as fasting, prayer, and couseling and/or accountability. I have been free for 5 years but before that I was addicted for over 20 years, all through high school etc. I was saved my senior year so that was 20 years of Christianity there, still in bondage. However I do recommend cancelling cable and movies. For me the hardest addiction to concur was self gratification to fantasy. If he had an addiction to porn it's good that that is concurred but now on to the hard part, removing fantasy from the thought life all together. For me that took fasting and prayer. I overcame this about 7 months ago and failed once in the last 13 months (about 6 months ago). So I am about a year roughly in victory, but I only count the last 6 months. But yeah I would confront him on that part so their is no suprises. BTW everyone I know of that was addicted to porn was also addicted to self gratification, so don't let him tell you He is good. Make sure, ask him if he is lying. If he is still struggling ask him when the last time happened. Write it down and start fasting and praying for victory. It will come in time.

Regarding forgiveness, this is important. Christ commands forgiveness actually. You don't have to trust him but you must forgive it's a command. Forgive them even if they are not sorry. when you begin to pray for the people you have bitterness towards, it's hard to be angry

Thank you for sharing your experience createdtoworship. I do regularly ask him how it’s going and if he’s lying. He doesn’t actually watch tv unless it’s with me. That doesn’t rule out fantasy, I know. The thing that actually seems to have helped the most was him converting to Catholicism. Apparently, this falls under a category of sin requiring confession before taking communion. Since communion is every week he would have to go confess to the priest on Saturday if he fell. He’s almost at two years now.

As for the forgiveness, I know that I am required to forgive and I want to forgive, I’m just struggling to do so and looking for advice. I am a very honest person and I won’t say I have completely forgiven him until I’m sure. And, I am very honest with God, not that He doesn’t know, but I do talk about the struggle and ask for help as I pray for my husband. Also, just because I forgive him doesn’t mean I’m over it. I’m still angry and still feel betrayed.

 

[Brianlear]

Huge amount to unpack here, but I'm going to challenge you on a couple things, maybe even bordering on tough love, with the utmost respect, if you don't mind. I think it will help.

You say that he "lied to get you to marry him." Are you implying that if he HAD told you the truth when you first met, that he regularly used porn, that you would not have married him? If that is true, then is that why he felt he had to lie? People don't lie for no reason. Especially when there is a valued relationship involved. Is it possible he felt that you, with all your anti-pornography activity(you said, writing essays, giving presentations, "speaking out"), made him feel as though he could never admit his own sin. He loved you so much, that he made the decision to conceal that part of him from you, knowing you'd reject him and never give him a chance.

You say that before marrying him, you did your "due diligence". In what...trying to sort out whether he would "sin" during his lifetime of marriage with you? Sorry, but that was already guaranteed when he was conceived. We are all sinners and we all sin, bottom line end of story. You cannot go out and find a man to marry who isn't going to sin.

I understand your feelings of having spent many years in a relationship with a man who was keeping things from you, but in these cases the first thing to do is find out WHY. WHY was he keeping this from you? Lots and lots of men struggle with this problem, continually, sometimes over many years. Many of them are married with children. It's not new and its not rare. In this case, there seems to be a distinct lack of communication in your marriage, and a consistent pattern of repeatedly "confessing" then going back to whatever activities were causing a problem before.

You say you are trying to "get past the betrayal of him lying to get me to marry him" but instead, what if you stopped focusing on his sin and the way he has dealt with it, and look in the mirror. What has your role been in the breakdown of communication in your relationship? What has your role been in creating a situation where your best friend feels he cannot be honest with you? That you won't give him a chance?

You are both human, both living amongst sin, and, inevitably, sinning yourselves as you live out your life in this world. A marriage should be a place where both partners encourage each other, hold each other up, and remain devoted side by side through these types of struggles. I get the sense that something has gone very, very wrong in your marriage, and I'm not entirely convinced it can be entirely explained with your husbands struggles with pornography. I get the sense that you may be a bit hyper-critical, and your statements make it sound like you are constantly monitoring him for any sign of "sinful behavior", almost controlling him in a way. Who's idea was it that he "can't watch TV alone"? Is it possible that this is a sub-conscious behavior on your part rooted in your own history of abuse? An attempt to "guarantee" that you will never get hurt again?

I noticed that you've not said anything respectful, loving, or affectionate about your husband at all, nothing beyond "I'm not looking to leave him."

I hope I've not come off too harsh and if so that was not my intent. I'm just a big fan of holding up the good ole' mirror. As jesus so emphatically told us to do regularly. I sincerely hope that you guys find a way to re-connect with each other and move forward, and let God wipe away the sin from both your lives, BOTH of your sins. His are very exposed at the moment, and more easily "visible". But what about yours. What are your sins and have you confessed them to your husband in confidence?

 

[magiani]

You are right that the best for you is to forgive him. If we don't forgive how we expect Him to forgive us? When you forgive it's like heavy stone you've been carying a while and I than you trow it away. It feels lightening. I'll pray for you.
You can confess to him that it is difficult for you to forgive him. Maybe you can try to speak to him about his addiction without judging and try to understand him.
Try also to remember all the good things in your marriage.
Remember too that the forbidden things are far more tempting. Sometimes it helps if you see your husband as a child.
God gives you strength.

 

[createdtoworship]

Thank you for sharing your experience createdtoworship. I do regularly ask him how it’s going and if he’s lying. He doesn’t actually watch tv unless it’s with me. That doesn’t rule out fantasy, I know. The thing that actually seems to have helped the most was him converting to Catholicism. Apparently, this falls under a category of sin requiring confession before taking communion. Since communion is every week he would have to go confess to the priest on Saturday if he fell. He’s almost at two years now.

As for the forgiveness, I know that I am required to forgive and I want to forgive, I’m just struggling to do so and looking for advice. I am a very honest person and I won’t say I have completely forgiven him until I’m sure. And, I am very honest with God, not that He doesn’t know, but I do talk about the struggle and ask for help as I pray for my husband. Also, just because I forgive him doesn’t mean I’m over it. I’m still angry and still feel betrayed.

I am not sure self gratification falls under a sin needing to be confessed according to catholicism, although porn certainly does. So I would not lean on confession as the solution. What he needs like I said is fasting and prayer. Also monitoring the phone. Cell phones need regulation, I use kaspersky parental control for my kids and myself. It makes porn sites innacessible. Also putting a restricted mode on youtube, locking it with another account. You can also install open DNS on a router at home and set it to block all wifi porn and porn on internet. I use a key word blocker on my browser on my computer, so I can't even look up female clothing. I was getting around porn, after installing blue coat k9 protection, it's a free software that blocks porn sites, but I was finding stuff on youtube and images on google images that were able to allow for fantasy, so you have to take all that into account, as soon as you realize there are no loopholes, then the temptation stops. I know if I look up images on my phone I have to get rid of it, and I have all my stock broker software on my phone, so that would literally cost my a bunch of money, plus I have my devotions and my prayer lists on my phone, plus being able to text and call people. All that would be gone, so install kaspersky on his phone and make you the parent and him the kid. And it will alert you to app installations that are rated 18 and over and also stuff he does online. Here is some links that helped me: OneTab shared tabs

 

[Brianlear]

I will also put my personal story, shortly, here. I struggled with porn for a long time, and still do. My wife knows about it, and basically supports me any way she can, but she doesn't get mad about it. Even if I fail and watch it, I can tell her, and she'll just forgive me instantly. And it took me a long time to figure out what she was doing, and that was being like Jesus. And I will tell you that ultimately, it was that kind of behavior that led me to be like "Why am I even doing this? I have this incredible, godly woman around me all the time, who I love and am attracted to. WHY am I looking at porn?"
And I gave it up. Not all at once, mind you. We aren't perfect. But that phase of my life is definitely over and done with. And it wasn't because my wife got all hot and bothered by it, but in fact the opposite. She just quietly, in the most Godly way, let it go right through her.

What if THAT'S how you interacted with your husband next time you saw him....I wonder how long the porn would last.

 

[createdtoworship]

I will also put my personal story, shortly, here. I struggled with porn for a long time, and still do. My wife knows about it, and basically supports me any way she can, but she doesn't get mad about it. Even if I fail and watch it, I can tell her, and she'll just forgive me instantly. And it took me a long time to figure out what she was doing, and that was being like Jesus. And I will tell you that ultimately, it was that kind of behavior that led me to be like "Why am I even doing this? I have this incredible, godly woman around me all the time, who I live and am attracted to. WHY am I looking at porn?"
And I gave it up. Not all at once, mind you. We aren't perfect. But that phase of my life is definitely over and done with. And it wasn't because my wife got all hot and bothered by it, but in fact the opposite. She just quietly, in the most Godly way, let it go right through her.

What if THAT'S how you interacted with your husband next time you saw him....I wonder how long the porn would last.

yes, we should forgive. But we also want to be careful not to enable. There is a fine line there.

 

[BriannaR]

Huge amount to unpack here, but I'm going to challenge you on a couple things, maybe even bordering on tough love, with the utmost respect, if you don't mind. I think it will help.

You say that he "lied to get you to marry him." Are you implying that if he HAD told you the truth when you first met, that he regularly used porn, that you would not have married him? If that is true, then is that why he felt he had to lie? People don't lie for no reason. Especially when there is a valued relationship involved. Is it possible he felt that you, with all your anti-pornography activity(you said, writing essays, giving presentations, "speaking out"), made him feel as though he could never admit his own sin. He loved you so much, that he made the decision to conceal that part of him from you, knowing you'd reject him and never give him a chance.

You say that before marrying him, you did your "due diligence". In what...trying to sort out whether he would "sin" during his lifetime of marriage with you? Sorry, but that was already guaranteed when he was conceived. We are all sinners and we all sin, bottom line end of story. You cannot go out and find a man to marry who isn't going to sin.

I understand your feelings of having spent many years in a relationship with a man who was keeping things from you, but in these cases the first thing to do is find out WHY. WHY was he keeping this from you? Lots and lots of men struggle with this problem, continually, sometimes over many years. Many of them are married with children. It's not new and its not rare. In this case, there seems to be a distinct lack of communication in your marriage, and a consistent pattern of repeatedly "confessing" then going back to whatever activities were causing a problem before.

You say you are trying to "get past the betrayal of him lying to get me to marry him" but instead, what if you stopped focusing on his sin and the way he has dealt with it, and look in the mirror. What has your role been in the breakdown of communication in your relationship? What has your role been in creating a situation where your best friend feels he cannot be honest with you? That you won't give him a chance?

You are both human, both living amongst sin, and, inevitably, sinning yourselves as you live out your life in this world. A marriage should be a place where both partners encourage each other, hold each other up, and remain devoted side by side through these types of struggles. I get the sense that something has gone very, very wrong in your marriage, and I'm not entirely convinced it can be entirely explained with your husbands struggles with pornography. I get the sense that you may be a bit hyper-critical, and your statements make it sound like you are constantly monitoring him for any sign of "sinful behavior", almost controlling him in a way. Is it possible that this is a sub-conscious behavior on your part rooted in your own history of abuse? An attempt to "guarantee" that you will never get hurt again?

I noticed that you've not said anything respectful, loving, or affectionate about your husband at all, nothing beyond "I'm not looking to leave him."

I sincerely hope that you guys find a way to re-connect with each other and move forward, and let God wipe away the sin from both your lives, BOTH of your sins. His are very exposed at the moment, and more easily "visible". But what about yours. What are your sins and have you confessed them to your husband in confidence?

No, I am not implying it, I am flat out stating that I would not have married him. I do not care why he felt he had to lie. He was supposedly my friend, my best friend and we agreed to be completely honest. If he could not be completely honest about this then he shouldn’t have proposed. I will not accept responsibility for his choice to lie. I am sorry if he was worried I would reject him but that does not give him permission to lie about something so important.

As for my role in the communication breakdown, Brianlear, I did not cause him to be dishonest. Yes, I spoke out against pornography, but not in terms of it being sin or dangerous to men. I spoke about the damage porn does to the children and women who are victimized to create porn and then during assaults with the abuser using porn as a tool against the victim. I spoke about the damage done to children, in particular.

My due diligence was not to find a man with no sin. During our dating time, we would confess our sins (or so I thought), and pray for forgiveness and strength to overcome those sins. Due diligence refers to finding out what kind of person he was, what reputation he has, etc. It also refers to my praying for wisdom, consulting with my foster parents, and pastors. I would hope that anyone considering marriage would want to know as much as they could about their potential spouse.

I never had any reason to believe we weren’t communicating. We prayed together every night, we did Bible studies together, we confessed our sins to each other (or so I thought). Somehow, he managed to keep this whole separate life.

Yes, more than porn has gone wrong in our marriage. I was hoping I could deal with this without bringing other stuff up.
His choices took our family to some very dark places and ultimately seriously damaged every relationship in our family, and caused two churches to throw us out.

I work very hard not to be overly critical and do not monitor him other than asking him every few weeks how things are going and if he is lying to me. I wouldn’t even do this except his Priest told me I should. And, no, I am not sub-consciously trying to protect myself. I am very definitely trying to protect myself from getting hurt. My heart has been through the meat grinder. Because of his choices I lost every relationship I ever had, from my church family, (twice!), all the way down to both my children. I lost the ministries I was involved in, I lost the progress I had made in working through my childhood issues, pushing me so far back that I became suicidal and began having PTSD issues again after years of healing had stopped both of those. I lost my ability to trust people so much that finally, after 10 years, last summer I successfully made it to a church and actually got out of the car and into the church without having a panic attack. I lost my ability to trust my own judgement. So, yes, Brianlear, I am protecting myself.

Let’s see, oh, yes, I hadn’t said anything respectful, affectionate or loving. I’m sorry I didn’t include the things you wanted in my post. I respect that he has worked hard to stay clean (no porn) and is being honest with me (I think). I care about him. I choose to love him and show him affection, despite the fact that I rarely feel anything other than grief.

My sins are many. And, yes I have confessed them to my husband and to God.

Honestly, you seem to believe this problem is mine and not his. Everyone does porn, just get over it. I made him feel so scared of rejection that he had no choice but to lie to me. He loved Me sooo much that he had to lie to me to marry me. I mean isn’t that true love, that he’s willing to lie to get me. And, it’s my fault that he felt he couldn’t be honest with me. Got it. I’ll go repent and lash myself now.

 

[magiani]

I will also put my personal story, shortly, here. I struggled with porn for a long time, and still do. My wife knows about it, and basically supports me any way she can, but she doesn't get mad about it. Even if I fail and watch it, I can tell her, and she'll just forgive me instantly. And it took me a long time to figure out what she was doing, and that was being like Jesus. And I will tell you that ultimately, it was that kind of behavior that led me to be like "Why am I even doing this? I have this incredible, godly woman around me all the time, who I live and am attracted to. WHY am I looking at porn?"
And I gave it up. Not all at once, mind you. We aren't perfect. But that phase of my life is definitely over and done with. And it wasn't because my wife got all hot and bothered by it, but in fact the opposite. She just quietly, in the most Godly way, let it go right through her.

What if THAT'S how you interacted with your husband next time you saw him....I wonder how long the porn would last.

It's a beautiful story! So well done both of you. Don't forget that we are all different people with different backgrounds and minds and one struggle can be more difficult for one then for the other. Everyone have something to learn.

 

[createdtoworship]

No, I am not implying it, I am flat out stating that I would not have married him. I do not care why he felt he had to lie. He was supposedly my friend, my best friend and we agreed to be completely honest. If he could not be completely honest about this then he shouldn’t have proposed. I will not accept responsibility for his choice to lie. I am sorry if he was worried I would reject him but that does not give him permission to lie about something so important.

As for my role in the communication breakdown, Brianlear, I did not cause him to be dishonest. Yes, I spoke out against pornography, but not in terms of it being sin or dangerous to men. I spoke about the damage porn does to the children and women who are victimized to create porn and then during assaults with the abuser using porn as a tool against the victim. I spoke about the damage done to children, in particular.

My due diligence was not to find a man with no sin. During our dating time, we would confess our sins (or so I thought), and pray for forgiveness and strength to overcome those sins. Due diligence refers to finding out what kind of person he was, what reputation he has, etc. It also refers to my praying for wisdom, consulting with my foster parents, and pastors. I would hope that anyone considering marriage would want to know as much as they could about their potential spouse.

I never had any reason to believe we weren’t communicating. We prayed together every night, we did Bible studies together, we confessed our sins to each other (or so I thought). Somehow, he managed to keep this whole separate life.

Yes, more than porn has gone wrong in our marriage. I was hoping I could deal with this without bringing other stuff up.
His choices took our family to some very dark places and ultimately seriously damaged every relationship in our family, and caused two churches to throw us out.

I work very hard not to be overly critical and do not monitor him other than asking him every few weeks how things are going and if he is lying to me. I wouldn’t even do this except his Priest told me I should. And, no, I am not sub-consciously trying to protect myself. I am very definitely trying to protect myself from getting hurt. My heart has been through the meat grinder. Because of his choices I lost every relationship I ever had, from my church family, (twice!), all the way down to both my children. I lost the ministries I was involved in, I lost the progress I had made in working through my childhood issues, pushing me so far back that I became suicidal and began having PTSD issues again after years of healing had stopped both of those. I lost my ability to trust people so much that finally, after 10 years, last summer I successfully made it to a church and actually got out of the car and into the church without having a panic attack. I lost my ability to trust my own judgement. So, yes, Brianlear, I am protecting myself.

Let’s see, oh, yes, I hadn’t said anything respectful, affectionate or loving. I’m sorry I didn’t include the things you wanted in my post. I respect that he has worked hard to stay clean (no porn) and is being honest with me (I think). I care about him. I choose to love him and show him affection, despite the fact that I rarely feel anything other than grief.

My sins are many. And, yes I have confessed them to my husband and to God.

Honestly, you seem to believe this problem is mine and not his. Everyone does porn, just get over it. I made him feel so scared of rejection that he had no choice but to lie to me. He loved Me sooo much that he had to lie to me to marry me. I mean isn’t that true love, that he’s willing to lie to get me. And, it’s my fault that he felt he couldn’t be honest with me. Got it. I’ll go repent and lash myself now.

I don't agree with you more, if someone is struggling with porn, don't marry them. I would not advise my daughter to marry a young man that has those issues. But also realize you did marry him and you can't live in bitterness forever. My wife's brothers are very handy around the house and I am not so much, I am more techy. And she is bitter over that, she feels ripped off. I am working on trying to meet her love language with is gifts of service, but it's a process. And so to this is a process for him so it's important that he knows that you know that this is an addiction, it's not your typical sin like lying, it's a full blown addiction. Probably the most addictive addiction I know of. And He needs grace if he is going to be victorious, but at the same time, he also does not need an enabler that will make it worse for him.

 

[magiani]

No, I am not implying it, I am flat out stating that I would not have married him. I do not care why he felt he had to lie. He was supposedly my friend, my best friend and we agreed to be completely honest. If he could not be completely honest about this then he shouldn’t have proposed. I will not accept responsibility for his choice to lie. I am sorry if he was worried I would reject him but that does not give him permission to lie about something so important.

As for my role in the communication breakdown, Brianlear, I did not cause him to be dishonest. Yes, I spoke out against pornography, but not in terms of it being sin or dangerous to men. I spoke about the damage porn does to the children and women who are victimized to create porn and then during assaults with the abuser using porn as a tool against the victim. I spoke about the damage done to children, in particular.

My due diligence was not to find a man with no sin. During our dating time, we would confess our sins (or so I thought), and pray for forgiveness and strength to overcome those sins. Due diligence refers to finding out what kind of person he was, what reputation he has, etc. It also refers to my praying for wisdom, consulting with my foster parents, and pastors. I would hope that anyone considering marriage would want to know as much as they could about their potential spouse.

I never had any reason to believe we weren’t communicating. We prayed together every night, we did Bible studies together, we confessed our sins to each other (or so I thought). Somehow, he managed to keep this whole separate life.

Yes, more than porn has gone wrong in our marriage. I was hoping I could deal with this without bringing other stuff up.
His choices took our family to some very dark places and ultimately seriously damaged every relationship in our family, and caused two churches to throw us out.

I work very hard not to be overly critical and do not monitor him other than asking him every few weeks how things are going and if he is lying to me. I wouldn’t even do this except his Priest told me I should. And, no, I am not sub-consciously trying to protect myself. I am very definitely trying to protect myself from getting hurt. My heart has been through the meat grinder. Because of his choices I lost every relationship I ever had, from my church family, (twice!), all the way down to both my children. I lost the ministries I was involved in, I lost the progress I had made in working through my childhood issues, pushing me so far back that I became suicidal and began having PTSD issues again after years of healing had stopped both of those. I lost my ability to trust people so much that finally, after 10 years, last summer I successfully made it to a church and actually got out of the car and into the church without having a panic attack. I lost my ability to trust my own judgement. So, yes, Brianlear, I am protecting myself.

Let’s see, oh, yes, I hadn’t said anything respectful, affectionate or loving. I’m sorry I didn’t include the things you wanted in my post. I respect that he has worked hard to stay clean (no porn) and is being honest with me (I think). I care about him. I choose to love him and show him affection, despite the fact that I rarely feel anything other than grief.

My sins are many. And, yes I have confessed them to my husband and to God.

Honestly, you seem to believe this problem is mine and not his. Everyone does porn, just get over it. I made him feel so scared of rejection that he had no choice but to lie to me. He loved Me sooo much that he had to lie to me to marry me. I mean isn’t that true love, that he’s willing to lie to get me. And, it’s my fault that he felt he couldn’t be honest with me. Got it. I’ll go repent and lash myself now.

I am so sorry that you have so much pain. Sometimes the Lord puts us through difficulties to test us, sometimes to change us. I pray for you to find out what His purpose is and to overcome this one way or the other and find peace.

 

[createdtoworship]

No, I am not implying it, I am flat out stating that I would not have married him. I do not care why he felt he had to lie. He was supposedly my friend, my best friend and we agreed to be completely honest. If he could not be completely honest about this then he shouldn’t have proposed. I will not accept responsibility for his choice to lie. I am sorry if he was worried I would reject him but that does not give him permission to lie about something so important.

As for my role in the communication breakdown, Brianlear, I did not cause him to be dishonest. Yes, I spoke out against pornography, but not in terms of it being sin or dangerous to men. I spoke about the damage porn does to the children and women who are victimized to create porn and then during assaults with the abuser using porn as a tool against the victim. I spoke about the damage done to children, in particular.

My due diligence was not to find a man with no sin. During our dating time, we would confess our sins (or so I thought), and pray for forgiveness and strength to overcome those sins. Due diligence refers to finding out what kind of person he was, what reputation he has, etc. It also refers to my praying for wisdom, consulting with my foster parents, and pastors. I would hope that anyone considering marriage would want to know as much as they could about their potential spouse.

I never had any reason to believe we weren’t communicating. We prayed together every night, we did Bible studies together, we confessed our sins to each other (or so I thought). Somehow, he managed to keep this whole separate life.

Yes, more than porn has gone wrong in our marriage. I was hoping I could deal with this without bringing other stuff up.
His choices took our family to some very dark places and ultimately seriously damaged every relationship in our family, and caused two churches to throw us out.

I work very hard not to be overly critical and do not monitor him other than asking him every few weeks how things are going and if he is lying to me. I wouldn’t even do this except his Priest told me I should. And, no, I am not sub-consciously trying to protect myself. I am very definitely trying to protect myself from getting hurt. My heart has been through the meat grinder. Because of his choices I lost every relationship I ever had, from my church family, (twice!), all the way down to both my children. I lost the ministries I was involved in, I lost the progress I had made in working through my childhood issues, pushing me so far back that I became suicidal and began having PTSD issues again after years of healing had stopped both of those. I lost my ability to trust people so much that finally, after 10 years, last summer I successfully made it to a church and actually got out of the car and into the church without having a panic attack. I lost my ability to trust my own judgement. So, yes, Brianlear, I am protecting myself.

Let’s see, oh, yes, I hadn’t said anything respectful, affectionate or loving. I’m sorry I didn’t include the things you wanted in my post. I respect that he has worked hard to stay clean (no porn) and is being honest with me (I think). I care about him. I choose to love him and show him affection, despite the fact that I rarely feel anything other than grief.

My sins are many. And, yes I have confessed them to my husband and to God.

Honestly, you seem to believe this problem is mine and not his. Everyone does porn, just get over it. I made him feel so scared of rejection that he had no choice but to lie to me. He loved Me sooo much that he had to lie to me to marry me. I mean isn’t that true love, that he’s willing to lie to get me. And, it’s my fault that he felt he couldn’t be honest with me. Got it. I’ll go repent and lash myself now.

I saw this today maybe this applies: Loving someone even when they’ve wronged you doesn’t always mean letting them back into your life. It means choosing to see them as a Child of God. They are not their mistake. They are not their failure. They are not their shortcoming. Just like you are not defined by your failures. Pray for them and point them back to Jesus.

 

[BriannaR]

I will also put my personal story, shortly, here. I struggled with porn for a long time, and still do. My wife knows about it, and basically supports me any way she can, but she doesn't get mad about it. Even if I fail and watch it, I can tell her, and she'll just forgive me instantly. And it took me a long time to figure out what she was doing, and that was being like Jesus. And I will tell you that ultimately, it was that kind of behavior that led me to be like "Why am I even doing this? I have this incredible, godly woman around me all the time, who I live and am attracted to. WHY am I looking at porn?"
And I gave it up. Not all at once, mind you. We aren't perfect. But that phase of my life is definitely over and done with. And it wasn't because my wife got all hot and bothered by it, but in fact the opposite. She just quietly, in the most Godly way, let it go right through her.

What if THAT'S how you interacted with your husband next time you saw him....I wonder how long the porn would last.

Brianlear, I have been thinking about this post all night. I am happy for you and your wife that this mild response works for you. I actually wonder what is going on in your wife’s heart and mind that she finds it so easy to forgive your infidelity. It sounds like she doesn’t experience any hurt from your actions and I find that hard to believe. But, whatever it is, I am guessing that as a child she wasn’t raped regularly by a trusted adult who used porn during his attacks. I’m guessing she wasn’t forced during childhood to do things seen in porn magazines. Again, I am so sorry that I cannot be the perfect image of Christ’s forgiveness as your wife apparently is, but then again we most likely grew up very differently.

And, again, my response is NOT an excuse to sin!! You are responsible for your own sinful choices and if you choose to break your wedding vows with porn, selfishness and lies, then that is on you, not your wife! I have forgiven my husband dozens and dozens of times. I support and encourage my husband. I tell him I am proud of him for working so hard and staying pure for so long (almost 2 years), but I will not pretend his betrayals have not rocked my world when they have. I will not lie in action or words to make anyone feel better.

I came on here asking for ideas on how to get over my anger and how to move towards forgiveness and trust, but all you have down is blame me for his sins and stir up all my hurts again. Not exactly the love you say we should show each other. And, if you think that was love, you are mistaken. Love does not attack other believers who are struggling. Love comes alongside to help bear the burden. So don’t come on here and think that if every wife would just respond as yours did, no one would sin with porn. That is a delusion. We are all different people, with different life experiences. The only way I could forgive my husband that easily is if I no longer cared about him at all, because then his sin against me wouldn’t matter. Thankfully, I am not in that place.

 

[BriannaR]

I don't agree with you more, if someone is struggling with porn, don't marry them. I would not advise my daughter to marry a young man that has those issues. But also realize you did marry him and you can't live in bitterness forever. My wife's brothers are very handy around the house and I am not so much, I am more techy. And she is bitter over that, she feels ripped off. I am working on trying to meet her love language with is gifts of service, but it's a process. And so to this is a process for him so it's important that he knows that you know that this is an addiction, it's not your typical sin like lying, it's a full blown addiction. Probably the most addictive addiction I know of. And He needs grace if he is going to be victorious, but at the same time, he also does not need an enabler that will make it worse for him.

Createdtoworship, I do give him grace and encouragement, but I won’t enable him by looking the other way. Generally I do not feel bitter about anything except that one lie to get me to marry him. That was why I came on here, for help with that. I pray regularly for forgiveness and to be able to forgive. I know all the theology about forgiving when the person asks, and, that if we don’t forgive others Christ won’t forgive us. And, believe it or not I love my husband. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t. But he knew I didn’t want to marry someone who struggled with porn and he knew I hated to be lied to, yet he betrayed me. I thought we began our marriage on Christ and honesty and fidelity, but I was the only who did. That cuts me to the core.

 

[createdtoworship]

Createdtoworship, I do give him grace and encouragement, but I won’t enable him by looking the other way. Generally I do not feel bitter about anything except that one lie to get me to marry him. That was why I came on here, for help with that. I pray regularly for forgiveness and to be able to forgive. I know all the theology about forgiving when the person asks, and, that if we don’t forgive others Christ won’t forgive us. And, believe it or not I love my husband. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t. But he knew I didn’t want to marry someone who struggled with porn and he knew I hated to be lied to, yet he betrayed me. I thought we began our marriage on Christ and honesty and fidelity, but I was the only who did. That cuts me to the core.

I am sorry it is very hurtful. But like I said forgiveness is different than trust. I have some friends that I have distanced myself from. I love them and forgive them but I don't let them in my inner circle of influence either. That is different than marriage I know. But some of it carries over. We all have issues. And your issue is you feel God ripped you off ultimately. That He allowed some one to get away with lying in order to get married. But we do that every day with God. We get saved totally out of selfishness and for the purpose of getting out of hell. Ultimately in time we do love the Lord. So He gives us grace during that transition from doing christianity for selfishness and doing it to be close to Jesus. So you are not the only one who has been lied to in order to be married. We did that as a church to God. I think this is why we are asked to forgive as He has forgiven us.