Struggling, and failing badly

[JD79]

I have tried to embrace Christianity. I feel drawn to it, and have always been of the opinion that people of faith seem to be much more contented.

A while ago, after a number of difficulties, I decided it was time to make the leap. I have been an atheist for many many years. Quite militant at that. In order to even begin approaching this faith that I see as being so beautiful, I had to take an axe to most of the certainties of my life. I had to open my heart and mind up in ways that I had no experience with.

I have read the bible without a hint of the disdain I used to have for it, openly and with respect. I have prayed, asking God to just give me the smallest piece of strength to continue to try and find him.
I have read, prayed, even wept. I have experienced many strong emotions, mostly despair, occasionally joy, sorrow.

At least half a dozen times, I have made the concious committment to give myself to Christ. I feel a sense of peace and purpose, for about a day, then the doubts creep in. I hold out against them, but they find ways past my armor. I have been brought so low that I have come close to harming myself.

I cannot see any hope left. I have thrown myself at God, have cut away all that I once held certain, and feel as though I have been left with nothing.

Should I try to go on? Or is there something inherently wrong with me? Are there people who will never find grace, even when they desire it and pray for it with every ounce of their souls?

Right now I feel only broken. I feel that if I keep trying, it will literally kill me.

 

[bps916]

Try to find a church that you like JD,get involved with some people and study the bible.Networking into a Christian community is really important.Ask God to help you and show you the way,He will I promise.You should go on and never give up.God can do anything,and He can help you.You dont have to try to find God,He is already there with you.

 

[JasperJackson]

You seem to have very heightened emotions. And that can be a difficult thing because they can sometimes be unreliable. Instead, try focussing a bit on what you know - your new found faith - what it is and what it means. Jesus, God himself, humbly can to earth, lived a perfect life and died for your sins so that you could be reconciled to God. How great is that!

Another person we believe in is Satan. He's a real being who hates God and hates Christians and he doesn't want anyone reading the Bible or praying to God - especially someone who he had for so many years previously. As he had you - and me for many years. And he is who is feeding your doubts. But God is stronger than him. He has defeated Satan already and He will work in you to build up your faith and drive out Satan's influence. But this will take time. Please be patient.

I was an atheist for 28 years but now I live in God's glorious light, and I thank him for that. If you want to PM me please feel free.

 

[aiki]

I have tried to embrace Christianity. I feel drawn to it, and have always been of the opinion that people of faith seem to be much more contented.

I'm glad that's the impression you've had of us.

A while ago, after a number of difficulties, I decided it was time to make the leap. I have been an atheist for many many years. Quite militant at that. In order to even begin approaching this faith that I see as being so beautiful, I had to take an axe to most of the certainties of my life. I had to open my heart and mind up in ways that I had no experience with.

No small feat, I'm sure!

I have read the bible without a hint of the disdain I used to have for it, openly and with respect. I have prayed, asking God to just give me the smallest piece of strength to continue to try and find him.
I have read, prayed, even wept. I have experienced many strong emotions, mostly despair, occasionally joy, sorrow.

Sounds like you may be on your way...

At least half a dozen times, I have made the concious committment to give myself to Christ. I feel a sense of peace and purpose, for about a day, then the doubts creep in. I hold out against them, but they find ways past my armor. I have been brought so low that I have come close to harming myself.

Hmmm...Why did you "commit yourself to Christ"? What do you mean by this, exactly? I ask because getting this part right is really vital.

I cannot see any hope left. I have thrown myself at God, have cut away all that I once held certain, and feel as though I have been left with nothing.

Yeesh! This is a very dark picture you're painting! Did/do you have some particular expectation as to what you might obtain from God?

Should I try to go on?

I suppose my question would be, "To what, exactly?" What/who do you think you are moving toward? Why do you want to move toward it/Him?

Or is there something inherently wrong with me? Are there people who will never find grace, even when they desire it and pray for it with every ounce of their souls?

Nah. God's offer of salvation is genuinely offered to all - no matter what Calvinists may say.

Right now I feel only broken. I feel that if I keep trying, it will literally kill me.

Wow. Why is this? Why will continuing to try be lethal to you? What will happen if you stop pursuing God?

Selah.

 

[seashale76]

JD79,

Faith isn't merely a decision to believe- it must be lived. There is much more than a spiritual aspect to it- there is also a physical aspect. You need to go to church and speak with a priest. You need to come and see, as it were. You need to learn about the faith in its proper context (catechism) and then make your conscious decision to enter into the body of Christ through baptism. You want to believe- now you need to put action behind it. Christ's Holy Church is the ark of our salvation and Christ is the Great Physician. I personally need the Church. I can't go it alone. I need the liturgy, I need the Eucharist, I need the prayers of the Church, and I especially need all of the sacraments of Christ's Holy Church- the medicine of immortality. It is the hospital for sinners.

Find an Orthodox Church in your area:
Orthodoxy in America - Home

Here are some things it wouldn't hurt to read that explain the Christian faith fairly well:
What Is Most Important
The One
Introduction to the Bible
Excerpts from the Orthodox Church by Bishop Kallistos Ware (part 1)
Excerpts from the Orthodox Church by Bishop Kallistos Ware (part 2)
P r a y e r
Let us

 

[seashale76]

double post

 

[salida]

Do you have the holy spirit? He will give you the power to live a christian life. Human effort alone can't do this. Pray and you will get it. This will give you the inner strength to live the christian life.

Take one day at a time and get some inspirational friends that love God by their actions. Read the bible and pray daily. Get involved in a serious church. Its a life long lifestyle and you will know God more and more. True faith is demonstrated by actions than then the feelings will come. Feelings alone are like a roller coaster. Feel free to email me.

Its a life long lifestyle as we die daily to Christ.

 

[oi_antz]

I have tried to embrace Christianity. I feel drawn to it, and have always been of the opinion that people of faith seem to be much more contented.

A while ago, after a number of difficulties, I decided it was time to make the leap. I have been an atheist for many many years. Quite militant at that. In order to even begin approaching this faith that I see as being so beautiful, I had to take an axe to most of the certainties of my life. I had to open my heart and mind up in ways that I had no experience with.

I have read the bible without a hint of the disdain I used to have for it, openly and with respect. I have prayed, asking God to just give me the smallest piece of strength to continue to try and find him.
I have read, prayed, even wept. I have experienced many strong emotions, mostly despair, occasionally joy, sorrow.

At least half a dozen times, I have made the concious committment to give myself to Christ. I feel a sense of peace and purpose, for about a day, then the doubts creep in. I hold out against them, but they find ways past my armor. I have been brought so low that I have come close to harming myself.

I cannot see any hope left. I have thrown myself at God, have cut away all that I once held certain, and feel as though I have been left with nothing.

Should I try to go on? Or is there something inherently wrong with me? Are there people who will never find grace, even when they desire it and pray for it with every ounce of their souls?

Right now I feel only broken. I feel that if I keep trying, it will literally kill me.

Doubt is necessary for our faith to grow. By overcoming doubt we are training the conscience to be good and upright, holding fast to the truth that God has told us, this is what repentance means, an ongoing process of improvement and growth.

You haven't explained much about the problems you are having, I believe you could be experiencing some unanswered questions, probably because you don't know the Bible well enough to pull you through. If you can share with us some of the specific concerns you have, or describe the sorts of thoughts you are getting to make you feel so down, there could be just the right verse that someone here can show you perhaps you haven't read or have overlooked.

 

[joey_downunder]

At least half a dozen times, I have made the concious committment to give myself to Christ. I feel a sense of peace and purpose, for about a day, then the doubts creep in.

Do you believe in Jesus? If yes, then you are saved.

Romans 10:9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

[Jesus talking to Nicodemus] John 3:16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.

Don't listen to your feelings. Listen to God through His Word the Bible. Feelings are sometimes a very unreliable compass.

I cannot see any hope left. I have thrown myself at God, have cut away all that I once held certain, and feel as though I have been left with nothing.

Now I went through years of doubt when I thought that I could not trust that any religious beliefs of mine would ever be valid because I thought that any feelings would be all illusion. It was only after I seriously looked at all the facts and historical evidence that supports the Christian faith that my doubting ended.
CARM - Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry

Every christian on this forum and who you know personally would be extremely happy to answer any difficulties you have because you don't know enough yet. Yes even people who have been christians all their lives haven't learnt everything. Those who claim they have are obviously deluded. I sure have got muddled in my thinking in the past and it was other christians that made me see things a lot more clearly.

Should I try to go on?

Absolutely you should go on. You've already come so far!!!!

Or is there something inherently wrong with me?

No there is not. Every real christian would tell you that they've gone through serious periods of doubt just like you.

Think of wrestlers, athletes and bodybuilders - they only become strong through much exercise, struggling and pushing themselves to the limits. Christians actually become a lot stronger in our faith through testing although we don't realise that when going through that painful process.

1 Corinthians 10:13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Are there people who will never find grace, even when they desire it and pray for it with every ounce of their souls?

God is merciful. If a person is genuinely seeking God, then God will find him/her at just the right time.

Right now I feel only broken. I feel that if I keep trying, it will literally kill me.

Have you read much about spiritual warfare? Have you considered that you may actually be under spiritual attack from the Enemy now you have become a christian? Yes Satan and his troops are so low they will go for the newbies as well as the more mature christians.

Remember Jesus is the absolute victor. Satan was completely defeated at the cross. If you belong to Jesus that victory belongs to you as well.

1 John 5: 1Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. 2This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world [including Satan]. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

Spiritual warfare & deliverance ministry Avoid false doctrine on spiritual warfare prayer, deliverance, etc

Big hugs from your sisters and brothers in Christ.

 

[bling]

It is great that you read the Bible, but the Bible does not save people and was never intended to save people. The Bible is a tool for believers to help them and may do little for the non-believer.

You need to meet Christ eyeball to eyeball, let him walk with you, put His arm around you and assure you he will be there for you, this is done through truly Christ like people that have God’s Spirit dwelling in them. Unfortunately they are not always easy to find, but when you do you can recognize them by their unconditional Love. You might have to look in some places where only unconditional Lovers would chose to work.

God did not intend for you to do this alone, so you have to find enough humility to ask for help (this is not easy for most of us and the people that can give you the help are really busy already). Please ask!

 

[wildfood]

I have tried to embrace Christianity. I feel drawn to it, and have always been of the opinion that people of faith seem to be much more contented.

A while ago, after a number of difficulties, I decided it was time to make the leap. I have been an atheist for many many years. Quite militant at that. In order to even begin approaching this faith that I see as being so beautiful, I had to take an axe to most of the certainties of my life. I had to open my heart and mind up in ways that I had no experience with.

I have read the bible without a hint of the disdain I used to have for it, openly and with respect. I have prayed, asking God to just give me the smallest piece of strength to continue to try and find him.
I have read, prayed, even wept. I have experienced many strong emotions, mostly despair, occasionally joy, sorrow.

At least half a dozen times, I have made the concious committment to give myself to Christ. I feel a sense of peace and purpose, for about a day, then the doubts creep in. I hold out against them, but they find ways past my armor. I have been brought so low that I have come close to harming myself.

I cannot see any hope left. I have thrown myself at God, have cut away all that I once held certain, and feel as though I have been left with nothing.

Should I try to go on? Or is there something inherently wrong with me? Are there people who will never find grace, even when they desire it and pray for it with every ounce of their souls?

Right now I feel only broken. I feel that if I keep trying, it will literally kill me.

God rarely communicates to us in an overwhelming manner, your desire to embrace Christianity is itself the Holy Spirit working in you. Remember, God spoke to His prophet Elijah, not in roaring winds or earthquakes, but in a still small voice (1 Kings 19:12).

For me, my daily walk with God is up one day and down the next (much like the stock market!), however the overall trend is a slow upward slope. God works much like the yeast spoken of in the New Testament, a little bit slowly changes the whole mass of dough over a long time. Over and over the bible tells us to "wait patiently on the Lord".

Immediate and overwhelming conversions like the one Paul had on the road to Damascus are extremely rare.

 

[Ih8s8n]

At least half a dozen times, I have made the concious committment to give myself to Christ. I feel a sense of peace and purpose, for about a day, then the doubts creep in. I hold out against them, but they find ways past my armor. I have been brought so low that I have come close to harming myself.

I cannot see any hope left. I have thrown myself at God, have cut away all that I once held certain, and feel as though I have been left with nothing.

Should I try to go on? Or is there something inherently wrong with me? Are there people who will never find grace, even when they desire it and pray for it with every ounce of their souls?

Right now I feel only broken. I feel that if I keep trying, it will literally kill me.

JD79: When you made your conscious commitment to Christ, whether you're aware of it or not, you entered into spiritual warfare against Satan/demons. The suicidal thoughts that you seem to be describing are not coming from God, but rather from Satan/demons who seek to oppress you. Deliverance from demons is very much a part of the Bible, although many (I'm not accusing you of such...I'm speaking of others) dismiss it today. As someone who has been delivered from many demons in the past, I think that I can honestly say that I know what you're going through. If you'd like to talk privately about such matters, then feel free to PM me. Or, if you prefer, we can just discuss such things openly. God bless.