Struggles with Sexuality

[ElizabethHope]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 months and are struggling with the 'what to do when aroused' situation. We have a situation that I really want to get feedback from other people on.

We were eachother's firsts, and at the time were 'ready' for what we were heading into and did it responsibly using proper forms of birth control. Our reasoning, that we now realize was completely incorrect, was that since we are so commited and would get married if it was practical (we're both still in undergrad and heading for grad school), but it's not (and we plan on getting married after undergrad), that it was ok to have sex before we were married. We struggled and are struggling with this realization.

We have since stopped having sex, but it is extremely hard not to give into the temptation. We have failed once, and felt horrible about it after the fact, but are kind of at a loss for what to do. We prayed about it together for the first time last night, and I really do think that it will help.

I'm not positive what I want from posting this, but I guess I'm just asking for feedback or something. I am definitely in need of some advice and help. Thanks.

 

[Johnnz]

Look at some of the similar threads. The posts by Sascha Fitzpatrick are great

John
NZ

 

[KristianJ]

It's gonna be hard to give it up without asking for God's help in the situation, so it's great to see that you have done that. Continue to pray about it, and set yourselves limits in terms of physical contact so that when it comes to an occasion when you may start to be aroused, you can remember those boundaries that you had agreed on. You're not the only one here who has struggled or is struggling with issues like this, and I agree with Johnnz. If you read some of Sasch's posts in similar threads you'll find some very wise words.

 

[ElizabethHope]

I know that there is an entire thread on 'what to do when aroused' and 'how far is too far' subjects, but really...from reading the 'how far is too far' thread I just got more confused...some people say nothing, others say if it's with the person you're going to marry then it's ok...etc. Maybe some clarification on the subject? If anyone knows any scripture that we could read together, please let me know.

It's very comforting to know that we're not the only ones here who have struggled or are struggling with issues like this. As undergrads we are both members of the greek community. There aren't a lot of my sorority sisters that I could talk to about this situation...and he doesn't have a lot of fraternity brothers that he could talk to either...so it's really nice to have fellow Christains help us out.

I figured out why I posted our situation...I just need the confirmation that we did the right thing in stopping. Thanks for that.

 

[FaithfulServant]

ElizabethHope,

"How far is too far" is a question you are going to have to answer for yourself. I have always heard that anything that brings lustful thoughts is too far. Some people can kiss each other and not have lustful thoughts. Others kiss someone and immediately lustful thoughts come to mind. God says once you have thought about it, the sin has already been commited.

Now that you and your boyfriend have already had sex, it will probably be hard to go back, but God can heal you, your boyfriend, and your relationship with him. It can possibly be a long hard road ahead for you two to get back on your feet. You will stumble, and you will have to get up again. The most important thing to do right now is pray. Pray with each other. If possible, call each other each morning and pray before your classes on the phone, for God to give you the strength to control your lustful desires. The power of prayer is so strong, there have been many couples in your situation who God has healed.

One of the hardest thing can be to get yourself out of situations where you know you will fall into temptation. If you know that everytime you go over to his house to watch a movie, you get tempted when the lights are dim, them don't do that. It's not worth it. If everytime he comes over to your house you two are tired and just lay down together and one thing leads to another....don't even let that situation happen. You place yourself in the situations and you can take yourself out.

I could go on forever talking about this because I have read books on it but one I reccommend to you is "Boy meets Girl" written by Joshua Harris. It's a good book all in all, there are some things you will find difficult but it is worthwhile to read.

God Bless,

Steffani

 

[bliz]

If you really do not want to have sex, stay away from places where you can have sex. It's a pretty safe bet that you will be able to resist the temptation hanging out at Burger King, studying in the library and while bowling. Alone in a car, dorm room etc. it is going to be a lot harder.

Please don't think I'm being flip. This is hard! You made a mistake a lot of young Christians make, and it opened the floodgates! If young people find sex is hard to resist when virgins, they have no idea how much harder it is after they have become sexually active! That's why I suggest controlling your enviroment - it will probably be easier than controlling your bodies.

 

[charligirl]

If you really do not want to have sex, stay away from places where you can have sex. It's a pretty safe bet that you will be able to resist the temptation hanging out at Burger King, studying in the library and while bowling. Alone in a car, dorm room etc. it is going to be a lot harder.

Please don't think I'm being flip. This is hard! You made a mistake a lot of young Christians make, and it opened the floodgates! If young people find sex is hard to resist when virgins, they have no idea how much harder it is after they have become sexually active! That's why I suggest controlling your enviroment - it will probably be easier than controlling your bodies.

Absolutely!!!

I would like to share some revelation that God has given to me on sex, since I have been married (we have just celebrated our 1st aniversary) because I wish I had understood sooner, then I would have waited.

Sex is so much more than just physical and emotional, i know you probably know that, so did I... but it was 'head' knowledge, i didn't really get it. God is all about Covenant and He seals His covenants with blood. Abraham did the cutting animals up thing, the Israelites circumcise their boys and Jesus shed His blood for the new Covenant. Man and wife are no different, that is why God designed the hymen to break.

When a man and women make the marriage vows thy agree to enter into Covenant with each other - making love the first time is the act of cutting or sealing the covenant. That act is so powerful, as well as fun and a great feeling etc sex within marriage can be healing, restoring, empowering, it can be warfare.

Every time you have sex with your spouse you are remembering the covenant you made - much like every time you take communion you are remembering the covenant that Jesus died for - now THAT is powerful, it is sacred and it's why sex outside of marriage is so damaging and disrespectful both to each other and yourself - but also to God.

It IS hard, but it's not impossible, don't go to places where the opportunity could arise. Perhaps submit to a third person who you can be accountable to who will check up on you. And keep praying, together and on your own.

 

[ElizabethHope]

Thank you to everyone that has posted in this thread. You have all really helped me and my boyfriend in our relationship with each other and God. We will take all of your advice. Keeping ourselves out of any situation that may lead us into the temptation will really help, but also be very hard...so we will continue to pray about it and ask God for his help as well.

 

[Breetai]

If young people find sex is hard to resist when virgins, they have no idea how much harder it is after they have become sexually active!

There's the understatement of the century...

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Absolutely!!!

I would like to share some revelation that God has given to me on sex, since I have been married (we have just celebrated our 1st aniversary) because I wish I had understood sooner, then I would have waited.

Sex is so much more than just physical and emotional, i know you probably know that, so did I... but it was 'head' knowledge, i didn't really get it. God is all about Covenant and He seals His covenants with blood. Abraham did the cutting animals up thing, the Israelites circumcise their boys and Jesus shed His blood for the new Covenant. Man and wife are no different, that is why God designed the hymen to break.

When a man and women make the marriage vows thy agree to enter into Covenant with each other - making love the first time is the act of cutting or sealing the covenant. That act is so powerful, as well as fun and a great feeling etc sex within marriage can be healing, restoring, empowering, it can be warfare.

Every time you have sex with your spouse you are remembering the covenant you made - much like every time you take communion you are remembering the covenant that Jesus died for - now THAT is powerful, it is sacred and it's why sex outside of marriage is so damaging and disrespectful both to each other and yourself - but also to God.

It IS hard, but it's not impossible, don't go to places where the opportunity could arise. Perhaps submit to a third person who you can be accountable to who will check up on you. And keep praying, together and on your own.

Wow... thats a VERY powerful post...

 

[Eluzai]

To be short and to the point:
Ask him to tell you when he starts to get aroused.

 

[Mustaphile]

I always try to think of what I would be facing afterwards. When your aroused you tend to be caught up in the moment and don't think much about what is going happen in the aftermath. The trick is to imagine what you would be thinking/feeling AFTER you had sex.

Imagine your confusion, your guilt, your regrets. You already have a great reference point (the first time you had sex). The short term pleasure derived from satisfying your desires would not change the way you feel afterwards. You will still feel miserable about it later. It works for me.

 

[Godsgurl042002]

i am in the same boat , kinda but me and my bf we haven't done it all the way , we have done things only for marriage but we haven't done it all the way , i am still a vergain and so his he... were waiting for marriage . anways we struggle because we love eachother but we know sex isn't love we wanna honor God with our bodies but we fail him sometimes .. and we don't know what to do . it is like we got outselfes in a whole and we can't get out .. we are fighting this battle but we aren't alone many cocouples think there alone in this .. but were not we have God and if were truly sorry i know we would stop but it is harder said then done . anyways one thing i think that would help is Prayer .. so if you don't mind pray for me and my bf thanks .. just to let you guys know we are getting married next year , and we want to wait until our wedding night . so please pray that we could do that .. thanks

 

[LadyBird]

You guys cant do this on your own. Include God in your struggles. Whenever you feel tempted, just stop and pray together. Do devotions together. It helps. I promise.

 

[AmposGirl]

Well, I might not be the best person to be saying this, BUT I'm going to quote a scripture for you.

1 Corinthians 7:36 : If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgon he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry her, He should"
________________________________________
All I am saying is that if you feel bad about it and cannot stop, you should get married. if you know your going to be together no matter what happens, then whats the hold up? LOL Just my opinion.