Struggle With PURITY: I'm Ready, He's Not.

[whiterthansnow]

Hello my Brothers + Sisters,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 and half years, on and off, but definitely ON for at least the last 4 years. Lately God has stirred up my heart to strive to have a more pure relationship with my boyfriend. We met at church, both strong Christians, but dealing with some sexual impurities for quite a while. We are not having sex, but we have gotten accustomed to spending the night at one another's house, and although usually we only watch a movie together and then fall asleep, sometimes not-so-pure things happen... We've talked about it and agree that these things really should be saved for marriage, but it seems that "in the heat of the moment" I will feel convicted to the point where I want to stop and not continue, but he's rarely on the same page as me at the same time... Only afterwards is when he feels convicted and regrets doing it and says he never wants to do it again, etc etc.

Well, tonight I stopped when I felt convicted and tried to talk to him about it... he got upset/caught off guard and kind of stormed out. Not mad, but in a "fine. if we aren't gonna do this, then we shouldn't even be spending the night at the same house." and he's right, but what I had hoped for was a nice little prayer session where we could approach God together, ask for forgiveness, ask for grace in repenting, and go over His Word where he talks about sexual impurity and how to get clean, etc etc.

So, I'm frustrated, because although he did call me right away as he drove home, he still is thinking totally different about it, like our solution is to "stop seeing each other completely." I keep telling him that we need to work through this struggle TOGETHER and WITH GOD, and he agrees, but just can't seem to see himself doing that.

See, he has a very addictive personality. Alcoholism runs strongly in his family, and he himself struggled with it for years. He's been sober for just over a year, and after years of smoking he quit that, too, a year and a half ago; both of these struggles he had to quit cold-turkey. So he tells me that the only way he can rid of sin in his life is to do so cold-turkey, and that's why if he's gonna erase the sexual sin in his life, it's gonna be cold-turkey as well, which means not seeing me.

I don't agree with this. God's grace is greater. God has blessed our relationship and I know he's stirred this up in my heart so that we can purify our relationship to honor Him even more.

At the same time, though, I allow myself to sin with my boyfriend because, even though I feel convicted to the point of not even wanting to do impure things, I know that my boyfriend has been through so much lately, that I will do these things with him for his sake, since i know he can't let go of them so easily. I love him so much that I want to help him, but at the same time, I find myself refusing to deny him the sexual attention he craves.

I'm stuck. How do I not sin with him, but still help him get free from this "addiction" without having to make him go "cold-turkey" for yet another one of his struggles??

It's like my spirit is ready, but his is not yet ready. Do I continue to sin with him until his spirit is ready to become pure?? I already know the answer, but I don't know how to get around this dilemma...

 

[Rafael]

I think you already know the answer and I can confirm it for you. To continue in sin would have an adverse effect even if your might think otherwise. Your boyfriend and you should run from sexual sin as though it were a monster trying to ruin your lives. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that these sins can be forgiven, but they always produce an effect that follows sowing and reaping. If we sow to the spirit, we always reap great blessings. The negative should be avoided. God can rescue, but the scars can remain.
You should get into the word of God and stay there, encouraging each other to obey God so that your marriage will be fully blessed by God, if that is your plan. You never know for sure what God has for you. We can make plans, but God will direct our steps. I hope you both will be able to choose the path of righteousness with God and not fall any farther away from His will for your life.
I would just find a way to do other things together and make it known that you are going to follow after God. If you love him, continue to do so and show it, but don't show it by agreeing to destroy what God has as a blessing for Him and you. Do things that don't put you into the position where sexual sin can happen - such as spending the night together. That's for when your married, and you shopuld get together and agree to stop until you are.
God bless you both with the strength to abstain.

1Th 4:3 God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin.

Eph 5:3 Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people.

Col 3:5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires. Don’t be greedy for the good things of this life, for that is idolatry.

Ga 5:19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure,

Jude 1:7 And don’t forget the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and their neighboring towns, which were filled with sexual immorality and every kind of sexual perversion. Those cities were destroyed by fire and are a warning of the eternal fire that will punish all who are evil.

2Co 12:21 Yes, I am afraid that when I come, God will humble me again because of you. And I will have to grieve because many of you who sinned earlier have not repented of your impurity, sexual immorality, and eagerness for lustful pleasure.

Pr 16:9 We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

 

[bliz]

So where are the two of you going with this relationship? You'e been dating for 4 years as adults and while there are no magic time frames, what are you waiting for? By this time you know each other well enough to know if you want to spend the rest of your lives together. If you don't - and that's fine - but if you don't, it's time to end the relationship. If you do, then what are you waiting for? Why aren't you getting married?

God made the human body to respond sexually. And the two of you keep setting actions in motion and then shutting them down. He's not happy when you shut them down.... you're not happy when you don't.

If you are not ready to get married (whatever that means) then put an end to the nights of falling asleep during the movies and spending the nights together.

 

[SvdLady]

Scriptures warn us to avoid even things that resemble sin. If it looks like sin (spending the nigh at each other's houses), stay away from it. As a Christian, your neighbors are watching you. Let's not cause our brothers to stumble and let's not stand in the way of sinners as scriptures warn.

I agree with the person who said that it is curious that you are still dating. As grandma always said, "It's time to either pee or get off the pot".

 

[whiterthansnow]

raphe - thank you for your advice and encouragement. I know in my heart how I need to handle this situation, but it's always reaffirming to hear it from someone else. Thank you so much, also, for the verses. I will share them with my boyfriend.

 

[whiterthansnow]

So where are the two of you going with this relationship? You'e been dating for 4 years as adults and while there are no magic time frames, what are you waiting for? By this time you know each other well enough to know if you want to spend the rest of your lives together. If you don't - and that's fine - but if you don't, it's time to end the relationship. If you do, then what are you waiting for? Why aren't you getting married?

Well, we have definitely been talking about marriage, more and more lately. I think we both have been a little weary of jumping into it too soon because we both have seen a lot of divorce in our families: my mom's been divorced twice, my sister once, and three of his siblings have already gotten divorced. I tell him that our relationship is different from those because we would have a Christ-centered marriage, whereas these other marriages in our family were falling apart because they would turn to themselves for strength to get through problems, and not to God.

I think also he feels like if we get married, then we'll be poppin' out kids right away, since most of the girls my age or younger at our church who have gotten married are already on their second and third kids... he's friends with their husbands and hears direct from them how hard it can be financially, etc...

I don't know. I'm all for getting married. I've known it for years, and he knows that. He seems to be all for it, but doesn't know how to let go of the fear of divorce and family stress that he sees in so many other marriages today; he's just trying to be careful.

I told him I didn't want to get married until I graduated college, which happened last May. So really, we don't have any reasons NOT to, so I guess he just feels like he isn't ready. He's 25 and scared to commit, even though dating-wise, he's been the most committing boyfriend I could have ever hoped for.

 

[Johnnz]

If he has an addictive personality which he has not dealt with in depth through good counselling his addictive traits will still be there in marriage. Addictive sex is all about one way pleasure. You will be the loser. Addictive people react strongly to challenges - he walked out - that is typical too.

I suggest you have a long talk with your pastor, or some wise christian. Marriage is great, and good sex within marriage is very satisfying, but two people have to work hard and not out of self interest to acheive that level.

John
NZ

 

[fishstix]

In the case of struggles like this, you need to go with what will help the one who is weaker in that area. And in your case, it sounds like your boyfriend is the one who is having more trouble in resisting sexual temptation. So you need to go with what will help him, not what will be enough to just help you. You said he mentioned something about not spending the night in the same house. That might be exactly the "cold turkey" that he needs. It might not be that your entire relationship has to end, it may just be that the situations that cause either of you temptation have to end - cold turkey.

I also agree with those who have said that the two of you should consider getting married soon. Really there are only two ways for your relationship to go - eventually you'll either get married or break up. So if you're going to get married eventually then it would be a good idea to consider getting engaged. As far as your boyfriend's possible fear of having kids right away, maybe the two of you should have a conversation about that. If you let him know that you aren't going to want kids for a few years or until both of you are ready for children or whatever it might help to set his mind at ease.

 

[LegomasterJC]

when I read your first post the first things that came to my mind were the same things that FishStix and bliz already said so I will just say I agree with them and also encourage you to keep praying for his release from those fears and bondage of adiction. I don't suggest you end your relationship but the overnights should probably stop.

 

[IDS]

"I already know the answer but I don't know how to get around this dilemma....."






Micah 6:8 (KJV) He hath showed thee, O man (woman) what is good (right)...


As a young christian I remember praying for someone who had greatly wronged me. My prayers were along the line of Lord show them the terribleness of their sin and convict them. Wasn't much love in the prayers but I was obeying the "command" of praying for my enemies.


One day as I was praying the Lord showed me my sin. Of hardness of heart. Of not truly forgiving. And He showed me what I had to do. I had to go to this person and ask for their forgiveness. I reminded the Lord that for months I had tried to find this person and was unable (while backslidden and seeking revenge). But I knew I had to try.


So I go to his mother's house with the intent of apologizing to his mother and asking her to pass it on. When I knocked on the door the offender answered. He almost ran away. I managed to assure him I was not their seeking my revenge but his forgiveness. For not truly forgiving him and not praying for him as I should. I wasn't really praying for him but against him. Well, he didn't really understand and was somewhat confused but was very glad the running could stop. The pressure on him had been great.


Micah 6:8 (continued)...and what doth the Lord require of thee (what does the Lord require?) but to do justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy GOD.





"I already know the answer but I don't know how to get around this dilemma..."


Will GOD Or Emotions Be Your Master


My dear sister you have your answer
Will GOD or emotions be your master


When GOD is master you walk in the light
You always do what is good and right


Truth is spoken and you do not pretend
You do not ignore or cover up sin


Out of the slippery pit and on firm ground
Emotions have a way or turning that around


Emotions are a cruel taskmaster
When renegade from the Master


Passionate emotions overlook the obvious
Instead of negatives they only see the plus


Your spiritual checkbook is out of balance
And yet you continue your blissful dance


Holy Spirit statements reveal red flags
Your once quick obedience now drags


Holding on to what you want and desire
But will it be able to withstand the fire


My dear precious sister GOD has a plan
One that I'm sure includes a godly man


One whose heart will be honest and pure
One whose love will be able to endure


My dear sister you have your answer
Will GOD or emotions be your master


.....peace.....








"I don't agree with this. God's grace is greater. God has blessed our relationship and I know he's stirred this up in my heart so that we can purify our relationship to honor Him even more."


Whiterthansnow, I do not agree with your statement that GOD has blessed your relationship.


Genesis 3:6 (KJV) And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.


Because something looks good, feels right and is desirable doesn't mean it is of GOD. Not when it contradicts the clear words of the Lord.



Thanksgiving is coming quickly. The big Thanksgiving dinner. The centerpiece of the meal is the turkey as it comes out of the oven. When the turkey is hot the thanksgiving begins.


Within a few hours what is left of the turkey is put in the refrigerator. Occasionally, someone will make a sandwich of it over the next few days. Eventually, whatever is left will be thrown away.


Is your relationship with the Lord like Thanksgiving dinner with the turkey hot out of the oven? Or is it cold turkey? Is the Lord's will your first choice or an occasional left-over?








"We met at church, both strong christians, but dealing with some sexual impurities for quite awhile"


If you are cleaning a gun and accidentally shoot off a finger...that is an accident. If you cannot clean your gun anymore because you have no fingers left...that is carelessness.


A brother once wrote about being careless with the grace of GOD. That phrase, "being careless with the grace of GOD", intrigued me.


As I thought of the sin and failures of my past I realized that the things that happened that should not have were not things that I was unprepared for. GOD's grace was more than sufficient. But grace not used is mercy abused.


I like David's words....


Psalm 19:12-13 (KJV)

12 Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults.

13 Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.


David, the man that after his death GOD said had a perfect heart did not have a perfect life.


Who can understand his (her) errors? Only GOD.


Cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptous sins.








G od

R estoring

A nd

C leansing

E ntirely


She is a princess daughter of the King
She should not lack or want anything


But princess has fallen into a trap
An injured bird that cannot flap

Recalling the freedom she once knew
She wants it but does not know what to do

She tries to esape but she cannot
An unseen enemy tightens the knot


She hears the voices of those who care
Unable to find her in this beast's lair


In the darkness a serpent slithers
Little princess's hope withers






Jesus was on the cross about to die
Do you know or understand why


Into the future He did see
A little princess needing to be free


Without hope or ability to escape
Bondage hung on her like a drape


With dying breath He said, "It is finished"
The work complete sin's power was diminished






Princess hears a distant voice
Which causes her heart to rejoice


It is the voice of her heavenly Father
But it seems to be drifting away farther


She almost cries out but hesitates
For she knows how much sin He hates


Defeated princess gives up the fight
Doomed to a life without light


In the darkness she whispers, "GOD forgive me
I cannot be what You desire me to be"






A brilliant light fills the place
Princess looks Father in the face


With tears she begins to apologize
For falling victim to enemy's lies


She is ashamed of the life she lives
With a loving embrace Father forgives






Whatever the torment whatever the sin
GOD's grace can bring it to an end


Grace restores what sin took away
Grace allows a princess to play


Grace cleanses from within
secret faults and unknown sin


Grace can undo what you cannot
Grace can untie any knot


Grace is your only way out
But you do not need to shout


Just whisper His name and He will come
Princess will live again in the kingdom






It was a dream.....


I was in a large crowd near the back. Someone was speaking on a platform. I was talking to someone beside me. Suddenly the speaker stops and asks me if I had anything I wanted to share. It was meant to embarass me. I fumbled along talking about how I loved the Lord and was thankful that He loved me. Suddenly my spririt quickened and I spoke these words...


When life is hard our tendency is to run to the Father and demand, "Help me!" Our need is to come to Him and whisper, "Hold me!"


.....peace.....



Take a handful of dirt and put into a glass of water. When the water is pure again then drink from it.


Whiterthansnow, the question is, how do you make the water pure again? Do you vigorously stir it up and hope all you efforts will make it pure again? Or do you leave it alone until all the impurities sink to the bottom? Or do you empty the glass, thouroughly wash it out, and then refill it with pure water.


You have your answer. Your boyfriend has his answer. GOD has the answer.


When Jesus told the rich young ruler to sell all that he had and give to the poor and come follow Him He was offering him a great escape not asking him to make a great sacrifice. The things that the rich young ruler would not let go of kept him from the true riches. Whiterthansnow, what is Jesus speaking to your heart? Do you know the answer or is this a great dilemna?


Men usually perceive intimacy physically. Women usually perceive intimacy emotionally. GOD designed us this way for a purpose. But when we leave GOD out of the equation it is like trying to put together a puzzle with pieces missing.


Not honoring GOD's boundaries prior to marriage often leads to not honoring GOD's boundaries after marriage.


A final thought. A poem about pornography. About "innocent sin".





"Innocent" Porn



Secret fantasies, forbidden fruit
Dangerous seeds are taking root


Pleasant to the eyes, poison to the soul
Weeds and thorns are beginning to grow


"Victimless" lust, "harmless" sin
Persuasive words for many men


Selfish personal gratification
Spiritual, marital desecration


In the midst of the garden a tree of life
Nearby a lovely flower called a wife


But the flower struggles among the weeds
Of a man who does not account for his deeds


Thorns prick and pierce flower's tenderness
What a man does is his own business


Captivated by pretend ignoring the real
Not understanding what the flower may feel


Placing blame but avoiding responsibility
Man continues to lose his credibility


Sin seperates as it always does
Unable to revive what once was


With trust destroyed intimacy is lost
Was it really worth the cost


Man watched and paid for just one hour
The serpent slithers over a fallen flower


What harm can there be in just one taste
The beautiful garden lies in waste


.....peace.....



Our works are like a single grain of sand on the beach of GOD's grace

 

[fishstix]

It's like my spirit is ready, but his is not yet ready. Do I continue to sin with him until his spirit is ready to become pure??

One other comment - continuing to sin with him is probably going to mean that his spirit doesn't ever become ready to become pure - and that yours is going to become less pure too. So yeah, whatever is sinful does need to end - cold turkey.

 

[Melody42]

check out ww.wtswlg.bravehost.com. I think you will get some understanding there

 

[LegomasterJC]

Those are great poems... where did you get them? write them yourself? Also great points.

 

[IDS]

LegomasterJC, those poems were things I have written in the past few months.


Whiterthansnow, I hope you know the things I wrote were out of love. I remember a time in my life when in a situation that was in ways similar to yours the best advice I got was from people who loved GOD more than me. My friends had a tendency to tell me what I wanted to hear. The counsel I received was to seperate for three months. Each seek GOD. Each deal with what had to be dealt with. There was a need to repent and allow GOD to work His will instead of working my will in His name.


I chose to ignore this godly counsel. There were permanent consequences to my disobedience. GOD forgave. Eventually, I forgave myself.


Whiterthansnow, most likely you both are holding pieces to the solution.


It would be good to have a "cooling off" period. I would recommend that the two of you "make no provisions for the flesh". Do not allow yourselves to be alone together. The bible says to flee fornication and also to flee youthful lusts.


And before you think about marriage as a way to "unsin" your relationship it would probably be a good idea to repent and allow the grace of GOD to work in and thru you. Better to enter into marriage forgiven and cleansed than to carry the baggage of "I got married because I got tired of sinning" instead of getting married because each of you loved each other and desired to commit the rest of your lives together.


Maybe the reason I write poetry is I seem to be able to communicate better what I feel. I feel much compassion and a burden for this situation but my words don't come across that way. I will pray.


.....peace.....

 

[LegomasterJC]

well that was no poem there and you communicated just fine but I understand what you are saying.
Seeing as how IDS is experienced and has been through something similar, his advice is good and should be heeded.

 

[Sketcher]

Hello my Brothers + Sisters,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 and half years, on and off, but definitely ON for at least the last 4 years. Lately God has stirred up my heart to strive to have a more pure relationship with my boyfriend. We met at church, both strong Christians, but dealing with some sexual impurities for quite a while. We are not having sex, but we have gotten accustomed to spending the night at one another's house, and although usually we only watch a movie together and then fall asleep, sometimes not-so-pure things happen... We've talked about it and agree that these things really should be saved for marriage, but it seems that "in the heat of the moment" I will feel convicted to the point where I want to stop and not continue, but he's rarely on the same page as me at the same time... Only afterwards is when he feels convicted and regrets doing it and says he never wants to do it again, etc etc.

Well, tonight I stopped when I felt convicted and tried to talk to him about it... he got upset/caught off guard and kind of stormed out. Not mad, but in a "fine. if we aren't gonna do this, then we shouldn't even be spending the night at the same house." and he's right, but what I had hoped for was a nice little prayer session where we could approach God together, ask for forgiveness, ask for grace in repenting, and go over His Word where he talks about sexual impurity and how to get clean, etc etc.

So, I'm frustrated, because although he did call me right away as he drove home, he still is thinking totally different about it, like our solution is to "stop seeing each other completely." I keep telling him that we need to work through this struggle TOGETHER and WITH GOD, and he agrees, but just can't seem to see himself doing that.

Sounds like you don't understand the way we men are wired. Our sexual wiring is different from yours, having the prayer and Bible session would keep him in the tempting situation because you two were there, and you were both still in high gear. He had to get out.

He did the right thing. If you two are going to stay together, you need to either get married or not be alone together unless it's a public walk in the park. And maybe he is right. Maybe just that could get him to want to take you home, and get in the same situation all over again.

 

[heathen chemistry]

i love how its ingrained into youth that sex is a sin and you should feel dirty and ashamed of it. no one ever questions why it's wrong only that that the bible says so. any thought after that is easily dismissed.

 

[fishstix]

i love how its ingrained into youth that sex is a sin and you should feel dirty and ashamed of it. no one ever questions why it's wrong only that that the bible says so. any thought after that is easily dismissed.

Extramarital sex is a sin. There are plenty of possible reasons why God told us that. Including to help us to avoid disease, unneccessary heartache, children having children, extra emotional baggage, and of course to help us to keep married sex as something very special and wonderful.

In my experience the only people who dismiss any thought after "the Bible says so" are those who disagree with the Bible's view of sex in the first place and are unwilling to explore the matter further lest it turn out that they are wrong and the Bible was right all along. Those who agree with the Bible do think beyone "the Bible says so" and find that there are many good reasons for avoiding extramarital sex.

 

[Clayman]

Well, tonight I stopped when I felt convicted and tried to talk to him about it... he got upset/caught off guard and kind of stormed out. Not mad, but in a "fine. if we aren't gonna do this, then we shouldn't even be spending the night at the same house." and he's right, but what I had hoped for was a nice little prayer session where we could approach God together, ask for forgiveness, ask for grace in repenting, and go over His Word where he talks about sexual impurity and how to get clean, etc etc.

Well to say this honestly I completely understand where he was coming from. I am not saying that he was right but for me when situations like this would come up with my girlfriend (now wife) the last thing I wanted to do was stick around and feel like a failure, after all I was supposed to be the strong one. All I wanted to do was go home, take a cold shower, and get on my knees. The fact that he over reacted and talked about quitting cold-turkey was most likely a simple a knee-jerk reaction to the situation.

Another side of this that you may not have thought about is what happened in my life. I met a girl got engaged and we did end up having sex. I figured it was okay, heck we were engaged at the time. Well we didn't get married, I met my now wife who was a virgin and I still live with the fact that I jipped my wife out of something that was hers. She of course accepted my apology and has forgiven me but I have to live with it.

Just a thought.