strugging again!

[luv4godremains]

ahh, I hate this, this whole thing sucks!
I was doing soo well for ages!
then, this week, I went on a "weekend" away with my youth group, (from monday till yesterday!) and on the tuesday, I hadn't eaten since the sat. I refused to.
one of my youth leaders had to ask for help with something, then two of them had a talk with me about I had to eat or they would have to send me home. that I was slipping back into my ED, and the worst thing is, I know they are right!
I ate one meal today, but all I wanna do, still, after hours, is excercise it off and puke!
I am supposedly allowed to only lose 4 more lbs but it doesn't seem like enough, I NEED to lose more weight, I can't do this, it's too hard, it takes too much out of me to try and beat this AGAIN, to try and get better, I want it to all go away, somehow, some way, everything has to be ok again! I want to be little again, for this stuff to not be there!

sorry for rambling for soo long, I dunno what my point is, I think I just need people to pray for me cos it's soo hard and I don't have any support in this, well, not in any active way, not in a way where I get made to eat, cos I won't make myself, I just refuse to instead! please pray!

 

[AnaSnow]

I so understand what you're going through. My ED started for several reasons. Initially it was because of my weight. I need help moving around because of a disability I was born with. For as long as I can remember, I've heard comments like, "Don't gain too much or we won't be able to lift you" and "Wow!@ You're losing weight, you look good." What makes it worse is that these comments are often made by relatives. It started. I stopped eating so much, eventually skipping meals. It got worse, I started skipping days. When I would eat my stomach would hurt. I'd want to throw up and just the smell of food started making me sick. I trained my body to not like food. After I lost a lot of weight I began getting sick. I was really pale and had dark circles under my eyes. I had no energy, all I wanted was sleep. It was becoming very obvious that I needed help. As my grades in school began to fall, one of my teachers began asking me questions. It was no longer just about my weight though. I often feel like I can't control anything except for what and when I eat. Whenever I'm really upset or stressed out I slowly, but surely stop eating. My teacher really helped. She started buying me lunch and eating with me. I've found that this helps a lot. Eating with people who care about you and won't criticize or pressure you makes meals much more enjoyable. I also realize that my body is not mine. It belongs to God. By not taking care of myself I am hurting His creation. I respect Him by respecting myself. I am still struggling and probably always will, but I am not fighting alone. I have God on my side and He has helped me and will continue to do so. You can't do it alone and although having people's support will help, they can't change it either. Ask for the Lord's help and trust that He will give it.

 

[luv4godremains]

Thanks Anasnow, Mine kicked off when my Dad called me fat 3 years ago, I have been ill with it on and off ever since then, I don't have anyone to help make sure I eat anymore, my Grades fell a long time ago and I can't pick them up, which just adds to it cos I feel like even if I'm a failure, at least someday I may look good if I get thin enough. And even though I know in my head that God is on my side, it feels as though why would he be? I mean, if no one on this earth loves me, tehn why would Gos love me and be on my side?

 

[blessedmomof5]

You need to find someone to talk to honey...... you want the help, you want to be like everyone else? why after doing good for so long did u fall? and it always seems its when you are with your youth group away? right? trying to remember here..... you owe it to yourself and God to get better you are yound have a whole life ahead of you, do u want to be doing this at my age? get better for yourself and get the help you so deserve.........
Denise

 

[Lee Fey]

It's difficult for me to come to this table, because I don't have the experience. But maybe that's what's necessary? I struggle with other problems, just as destructive, and just as consuming. So I do understand constant struggle. I do.

Because of that experience, I know that sometimes finding out you're not alone doesn't help. People who are still stuck in the mire themselve can do what exactly, to help you get out? Nothing. Not really. But people who have never encountered it before don't even know where to start helping you out of it.

And so I've found you can't change yourself, not under your own power, so stop trying. Those around you may have the best of intentions, but they have even less power than you do in changing you. All they can do is make you slightly more powerful in and of yourself to change yourself. I've been praying every day for some time for God to transform me into an image of His Son, Jesus Christ. The reasoning is that I can do nothing to live for God as I am. But if He changes me, if my nature changes from who I am to who He is, than I'll be strong enough, I'll want to love Him all the time. Honestly, there are times when I don't want to have anything to do with Him, mostly because I'll know He's right. And I'll want to do whatever I want. Not what He wants. But, if I change, if He changes me, then I'll want to be His more than I do now. And all it takes on my part, all it takes on your part, is a willingness enough to get out of the way. Almost no one gets the idea of "stop trying". I was stuck for some time just looking for a way out. A process I wasn't interested in, I wanted a solution. Something, anything, I could do to make it stop, no matter how long it took. But there is nothing like that!!!! Only Him. Just let Him, and stop trying. If you don't get this, I can't help you. But maybe, by some freak of mercy, He will.

Keep going. Ask Him everyday. Even if 1% of you wants to change at that moment you're making the prayer, He'll meet you where you're at, drag you through the stuff, help you to understand, and make you right. Eventually.

 

[luv4godremains]

Denise - it doesn't really start again at youth group, but it makes it worse! I think it's cos it scares me, I end up lonely, and it's cos they are all soo much thinner than me, soo much more beautiful than me, soo much more in general than me! I just wish that there was some way that I aould be a little like them! and, It probably wouldn't have been soo bad if my step-sister hadn't forced me to look in the mirror, face the monster I see staring back at me when I do, that was on saturday, hence one of the reasons I hadn't eaten since then, but, I didn't get hungry, I just didn't have any energy! (sorry to babble! no point to anything I have just said really I guess!) anyways, what I was gonna say is, I don't know how to get help, it doesn't feel like there is anything any one I know can do to help me, and it's not like I'm ill again, just struggling with it. It doesn't really feel like there is anyone who can really help me at all to be honest, except for God, well, I have been waiting for him to stop me comeing back to the place where I starve myself and do get ill for 3 years, trying by myself, and with the help of friends, but He hasn't come anytime in the past on this one, and it doesn't feel like he would, doesn't feel like he should!

Lee Fey - I just hope, pray and wish that he would change me someday soon, the thing is, that's something I have been praying for for years, and still, here I am, the same girl I was back when I first started to pray for it, the same needs, the same problems, the same immaturity, I mean, lets face it, when I just let myself get to this stage, denying anything at all is wrong with me, then I have to be pretty immature, even for my age! prayer is beginning to seem like a hopeless option for me, and I can't give up trying because otherwise, I doubt I will ever change! it feels like I have to change myself, no one else can change me!

 

[AnaSnow]

It won't be easy. No matter what you try to do, only He can get you through. When you pray you must have faith that He will answer. I know the struggle all too well. Sometimes no one and nothing, but myself triggers me to stop eating. Just last night, my sister told me that I'm gaining weight. I really thought about not eating, just until I lose a few pounds. I begged Him to help me. To allow me to see myself the way He sees me. He allowed memories to play in my head. A few hours before my sister made this comment, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He was telling me all these really nice things that he sees in me. I started thinking about other people's comments about how many great things they see in me. Then I read His word. He loves me and that's what matters most.

 

[luv4godremains]

thanks anasnow, I just wish I had memories like that, I found out yesterday that my Dad had written letter to my mum when I was little saying how great and beautiful my sister was and how much he loved her, and how ugly and fat and how much of a failure I am! that really didn't help! then remembering how I have spent my life, being told by anyone and everyone how fat I am, how badly I need to lose weight! it's not fair! why does everyone else have someone who wants to build them up and stop them feeling like this but me? I just wanna be beautiful, wanna be thin, wanna be able to stand against my Dad and tell him that I lost the weight I needed to, and that there's no way he can acll me fat now, but I can't, not until I lose more weight!

ok, I suppose saying everyone has someone like that was wrong, and not true, but it's how it feels! It isn't jsut a constant battle against myself, but a constant battle around the world and how it says everyone should be! how badly I wanna be loved, but no one will love me at the weight I am now! and I hate to admit it, but I DO use food to control things, it's the only thing I can, evrything has gone wrong over the past few years!

 

[Lee Fey]

luv-there's so much out there that He has planned for you. I'm so sorry that you've been denied basic comforts in relationships so far. It's a wrong that will never completely disappear. The scars will be there when you're ninety. But you don't need anyone to tell you how wonderful.

I was with my girlfriend yesterday, and something clicked in my head. I see so many things in my girlfriend that she doesn't see in herself, and she sees so much in me that I can't see. But God sees those things in everyone, even you. He sees your weaknesses, He sees your shortcomings. But He also sees your strengths, everything that makes you so beautiful, as beautiful as you are. These things might not help you, I understand that. They're just words. They're all I have to give. But He can give so much more. Just allow Him to do so. Stop expecting anything, and just allow Him to work. You say you've been praying for a very long time. But have you really stepped aside to allow Him to do His work? Have you really? Really, really?

My girlfriend's got a family that tears her down. That cuts her real deep. And she's been involved in horrible relationships in the past. My stepdad is right when he says about her that she should have more issues than she does. In the head, she should be more messed up than she is. But you know why she isn't? Because of Him. She's a great and wonderful person. A beautiful person. It wasn't her looks that caught my eye, though she is very fearfully and wonderfully sculpted physically, it was her. And if she really had become the person her surroundings would have formed her into, I probably would not have given her a second look, a second thought. He can work in you too. Just step aside. Really step aside. She got through with just Him by her side. You can too.

 

[AnaSnow]

How I wish words were enough. I know they often times fail to express exactly how we feel. It is so much easier to believe negative comments than it is to believe positive ones. You are trying to lose weight for people, your dad in particular. Do you think that if you lost weight he would change toward you? If you were as thin as you think you should be, will he love you more? Pretend for a minute that he does change. He tells you how good you look because you're thin and he thinks of you as a success because you lost weight. Will you truly be happy with this, knowing that he now thinks of you as beautiful and successful just because you're thinner? Won't you still be angry, if not angrier, that he only thinks highly of you because your physical appearence has changed? You will still be the same person, which seems pretty cool to me. Stop trying to please people. Our opinions of you will not matter when you go home with God. He made you the way you are for a reason. Don't focus so much on what you lack, but focus on what you have and how you can use your blessings to glorify Him. I stuggle constantly, I am struggling right now. I can definitely take this advice. You do have someone trying to build you up. God is on your side. I don't know you, but I care too.

 

[luv4godremains]

thanks Lee Fey - I think I'm afraid to, I don't wanna get even more fat! that would kill me!

Anasnow - I know I can't live my life for other people, I don't just want to lose weight for them, it just plays a part, and, I don't think I would be angrier, I mean, maybe if he sees that people can change their appearances, that they can change inside too, and change himself, and also mybe want to talk to me sometimes, instead of forgetting I'm alive. and I know I have probs with control, and this is to do with that, but, I just, I don't really know how to change that! I guess I just have to keep praying bout this stuff, I just, I feel soo lost!

 

[Lee Fey]

I see a couple of things. Desperation because what you have been doing doesn't work. But I also see a pure stubborn reluctance to try anything else. Even if the results are bad, you still think it's the best way. You see the problem. Now there's little the rest of us can do. This is your choice, your life. Give it to Him, or keep it, it's up to you. But know that the best chance you have is with Him, whether or not that's here, or at Home. I'm not sure really just how dangerous your situation is, I know that really dangerous ones are out there. But there's got to be ways He can help. He will heal you. Now or later. Your choice.

 

[luv4godremains]

thanks Lee Fey, I'm listening to a tape, talking about healing for some of the reasons I feel this way, and, I wanna be healed, and I know I will be, even though it's gonna take time, I'm gonna keep working at it!

 

[AnaSnow]

thanks Lee Fey, I'm listening to a tape, talking about healing for some of the reasons I feel this way, and, I wanna be healed, and I know I will be, even though it's gonna take time, I'm gonna keep working at it!

Let Him work at it. I often have trouble not trying, just really giving everything up to Him. I know that the days can seem so long, but when you look at everything He has already given you it's plain to see that His timing is perfect. Just keep reaching out to Him and don't allow this struggle to hinder your relationship with Him. He hears you.

 

[luv4godremains]

thanks Anasnow, I think giving it to him, like, really, is probably one of the hardest parts! I am eating a little bit of cereal now tho cos I haven't eaten a meal since monday, and I kept nearly collapsing from exhaustion today (mostly from lack of sleep probs tho, but still a gd idea!) and as bad as I feel about it, I'm not gonna do anything stupid because of it!

 

[Lee Fey]

Giving it to Him is always the most difficult. We need to be in control. That's part of the whole "sin" thing. It's rough, but he'll get you through it.

 

[luv4godremains]

I tihnk I'm getting there again, I wanna lose weight, but I'm trying to do it healthily instead of just starving myself and over-excercising, that won't do me any good, I don't wanna get like that again! I'm still trying to give it to him, and in time I will be able to, but I think for most people, if they have struggled with this, it will be a life long battle, one that is eventually gained control of, but that they still have to think about keeping it under control, so I am gonna refuse to let it take control of my life, I have to take control of it!

 

[AnaSnow]

I tihnk I'm getting there again, I wanna lose weight, but I'm trying to do it healthily instead of just starving myself and over-excercising, that won't do me any good, I don't wanna get like that again! I'm still trying to give it to him, and in time I will be able to, but I think for most people, if they have struggled with this, it will be a life long battle, one that is eventually gained control of, but that they still have to think about keeping it under control, so I am gonna refuse to let it take control of my life, I have to take control of it!

Yay! I'm so glad you're getting on track again. I know it's not easy, but having the right attitude definitely helps. It is a battle that will probably last a lifetime, but He lasts for eternity. Be careful not to lose sight of Him. When success comes it's often easy to credit the success to our own efforts. Just remember where you were when you weren't fully trusting Him. You're going to be ok.