01nate,
My husband had an affair last year. It is the most difficult thing I've ever been through. One of the things that has helped me cope is talking about the affair. When my husband is available to answer my questions, hold me if I just need to cry, or reassure me, it helps me tremendously. I've heard that many men just want to leave it in the past (not saying you do that) which is the opposite of what needs to be done. Also, you can never say you are sorry too much. Not that you need to be continually punished for what you did, but it helps a woman to know that you are remorseful over the extreme pain she went through and apologizing accomplishes that. Another thing that helps me so much is if my husband prays with me. What I would do Nate if I was you is either ask her in person or write her a note or an email. Express again how sorry you are that your actions hurt her so badly. Tell her that you are willing to do anything to help her through her pain (counseling, talking, etc.) and ask her what she needs from you. Then when she tells you what she needs, do it. Is she pulling away from you because she has no trust from you? That is something I do. I've lost all security of a commitment from my husband. If he doesn't keep up on the talking and reassuring, I shut down. He reminds me every morning that I'm his one and only. He puts my wedding ring on my finger every day and tells me that he's commited to me for that day (I can handle knowing that I'm secure for a day....but not forever so that's why this helps). He constantly asks me how I am. The best response I can get from him when I share how I'm feeling is validation of my feelings. In the past, he would get mad if I was struggling....not that I was having a hard time, but because he was mad at himself for what he did. That didn't help me. I needed him to empathize with me. Affairs strip women of so much.....their security, their feeling of being cherished, their dream of being your princess and living happily forever, their dignity, their feelings about their looks and their appeal sexually......I hope you two have seen a counselor to help you through this. Our counselor told us that if you are working hard at healing, it usually takes two years to work through a lot of this and rebuild trust. But if issues haven't been discussed, it will take a lot longer. Another thing that was crucial for me was wanting to know that it would never happen again....which means that for you, you need to know why it happened in the first place.......needs not being met? sexual addiction? or whatever it may be. Search for that answer and work at repairing what caused the affair.
Hope that helps.