Stressed out about Dad

[HoosierCanuck]

Hi! I know this forum is for 50+ but since my dad is computer illiterate I felt the need to post here on his behalf. (sorry....this will be long!)

Background: He's 53, Christian, divorced twice (last in 1993). He lives alone except for when my half-sister stays with him. He is a VERY LONELY man who I think is having some mental issues but he will not believe that's what they are.

Problem: He met this lady about 9 years ago (right after he got divorced). She was a waitress at a local buffet-restaurant. At the time she was married but didn't really act like it...flirted, didn't wear a ring, etc... They got acquainted but never went out or anything like that. He eventually found out she was married and next thing you know she's gone from the picture. Well, last Christmas my sister ran into this woman at another local buffet-restaurant. She has been divorced now for two years. Boom! Dad is visiting that restaurant so he can talk to her, etc... He has become VERY OBSESSIVE in his behaviour regarding this woman.

Here are some examples: He sent her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day (but didn't sign them!), he has sent her over a dozen notes along with CD's he's made since early this year, he has lost over 50 pounds in an effort to look more attractive to her, and he has even had my sister take pictures of this woman with her camera phone (without this woman's knowledge!). He has these pictures printed out and posted all over his house.

He agonizes daily over the fact that this woman doesn't want to go out with him and yet he says he refuses to give up because 'God told me two years ago to start taking better care of myself and I think it's because she is now available.' During the approximately 8 years that he had no contact with her he thought of her often. He says in one breath that he only wants her 'friendship' but I say his actions say otherwise. This man has done more crying in the last 7 months than any normal human should and it's all been over this one woman!

Sorry for the long post but my point/question is this....do you honestly believe that God would instruct a man to act in such a way and cause him to feel the horrendous misery that dad is feeling? I say no. What's your opinion?

Thank you for your time and God Bless you richly.

 

[Stanfi]

HC,

Your dad needs something, but it's not this woman. God made us a relational beings, we NEED people, we need to have good close friendships with people. If we don't, it affects us emotionally, spiritually and even physically.

Your dad is starving for love and affection. Perhaps he has been searching for it is entire life and never really found it (thus the 2 divorces).

Sometimes we just meet people and it just "clicks" we just believe in our heart they are to good to be true. The problem is your dad thinks this woman can supply a need in his life that only God can. Someone else cannot be responsible for you dad's emotional stability.

Obviously this woman does not want to be your dad's life, he's needs to go out and find people who do. Right now he pushing on a block wall that will not move, and it is not healthy.

No, I don't think God is telling him to get ready for this woman; If God was there it wouldn't be such a mess.

Your dad needs to be careful.. two words "restraining order".

 

[bliz]

Your father needs some help with whatever his mental problem is - depression seems likely, but hard to say.

Your half-sister needs to stop helping him persue his obsession with this woman.

Someone needs to get your dad in regular contact with other human beings! Volunteer work? Hobbies? Clubs? Church? Lonliness can be very powerful and have quite an effect on people. Some people, when they do not have regular, meaningful contact with others, feel the impact of that very quickly and it can take quite a toll on their lives. It sounds like you Dad may be one of those people.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Thank you both for your comments and bless you too. I am in total agreement with you. I agree, Mr. Stace, about the 'restraining order' issue. I have commented to him that his behaviour is borderline stalking and that there are laws in this state against it. She lives in a small town and all it would take is a little word with the local Barney Fife and he'd be in big trouble. I've also told him that 'she's just not getting it.' It's sad but the last time I have visited with him was the Wednesday after Father's Day (mid June!). I had always been close to my dad and would visit him at least twice a month (usually on Sunday after church) but his obsession with this woman has disgusted me to the point I don't want to be around him. I understand being lonely and wanting affection or whatever but this goes beyond anything normal.

He keeps a notebook with his 'to do list' and other things in it. I stopped by his house about two weeks ago when he wasn't home and peeked at it to see if there was still anything about 'her' in there and sure enough.....'make cd's for XXXXX, mailed 7/14/04" The man is MENTAL!!!!

I almost bought him the book "Men's Relationship Toolbox" (I think that's the title) by the Smalleys. I wasn't sure he would read it though. I've still thought about it. The sad thing is the fact that he's believing Satan's lies as God's truths. That hurts me more than anything. I miss the dad I knew for the previous 34 years...this 'new' guy is a freak that I don't want anything to do with. I just keep praying (and praying HARD!) that he comes to his senses before his health gives out on him.

 

[Rage4Christ]

Sounds rough.

Seems like your dad never learned some of the basic emotional skills we all need to function in healthy relationships.

Before he can even get God to help him, he needs to help himself. Considering his age, and situation I don't see that happening. Until he understands his own emotions and needs, he won't understand what God has to say.

If I were you, I would confront your father on to the degree in how is behavior makes you feel. Let him know that you miss your dad, you feel ...well, I don't know how you really feel exactly. That is your job.

Then recommend he go into some therapy. Tell him women are attracted to emotionally confident men, not emotionally needy men-- and that he is comming off as very emotionally needy. The only way to get emotionally confident is alot of work and therapy.

Given his history and age... i'm not sure he's up for it.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Sounds rough.

Seems like your dad never learned some of the basic emotional skills we all need to function in healthy relationships.

Before he can even get God to help him, he needs to help himself. Considering his age, and situation I don't see that happening. Until he understands his own emotions and needs, he won't understand what God has to say.

If I were you, I would confront your father on to the degree in how is behavior makes you feel. Let him know that you miss your dad, you feel ...well, I don't know how you really feel exactly. That is your job.

Then recommend he go into some therapy. Tell him women are attracted to emotionally confident men, not emotionally needy men-- and that he is comming off as very emotionally needy. The only way to get emotionally confident is alot of work and therapy.

Given his history and age... i'm not sure he's up for it.

Wow! You bring up some good points in your post. I think possibly my uncle or maybe a co-worker of his must have brought up therapy because one time when I was visiting and he was rambling on about 'her' he said out of the blue "I'm not going to see any therapist. There's nothing wrong with me." He justifies his 'bizarre behaviour' with the illustration of Noah building the Ark when it hadn't rained for years!

I think at this point it would take a miracle for him to get some therapy. I too think he needs it. You have a very good point about him being 'emotionally needy.' That is something I can use if I do confront him soon. That is a good way to describe it.

I kind of feel like I'm in a no-win situation because I figured with me being a FEMALE I could have some insight on 'my species' and help him to understand that he's wasting his time and energy on this woman. However, it's like he thinks I'm dumb or something because I'm not old enough.

Another thing about this situation that he cannot see is that this woman is a waitress and a single mom with a teenage son....i.e., she works for very little pay and relies on tips. She will be nice, flirty, whatever, to get larger tips. Every time she is really friendly to him he gives her ridiculously huge tips. You don't think she'll eat this up? Duh!!!!

One more point too....she is not a Christian and I believe that dad is (saved anyhow). I have brought up the 'unequally yoked' issue and he will AGREE with me. He thinks (but hasn't actually come out and said it) that it's okay to be this way (obsessed) because eventually she'll become a Christian and everything will be hunky dorey. He also believes everything will eventually go his way because as he will say "God can put it in her mind that I am irresistable." He is so bloody stubborn!!!!

If anyone has any other scripture or anything else I can use for ammo I would appreciate it deeply. Dad has studied the Bible alot in his life and has (in my opinion) twisted about every piece of scripture he can to make this situation as he dreams it to be.

 

[desi]

Maybe you should get your dad a speed seduction course so he has the tools to win this woman over, or at least make her less hostile. The key is to work with your dad instead of against him, telling him he's wrong seems to be failing.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Maybe you should get your dad a speed seduction course so he has the tools to win this woman over, or at least make her less hostile. The key is to work with your dad instead of against him, telling him he's wrong seems to be failing.

Work WITH him? How? I assume the speed seduction comment was a joke. This woman isn't 'hostile'...more like unresponsive. She has just said to him before that she isn't ready for any relationships. I think she wants him to get the point ("get away from me you freak!") but she doesn't know how to do it. Maybe I oughta talk to her? I've only met her twice. She's pleasant enough but it doesn't compute with me what he's so obsessed with. He claims he's not lusting after her. (riiiiiiiiiiiight!)

 

[TheThirdLink]

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I had a thought the other day....

I've always been close to my dad but now I'm avoiding him like the plague. (over a month now!) Could it be that God is allowing this to happen so I can break the bond with him? The reason I ask this is because I have thought since I was in my early 20's that I wanted to move as far away from here (Indiana) as possible but my closeness to my family (and of course, lack of money!) has kept me here. I feel I am not living life to the fullest here and will never be able to but can't find the courage to move.

 

[desi]

Work WITH him? How? I assume the speed seduction comment was a joke. This woman isn't 'hostile'...more like unresponsive. She has just said to him before that she isn't ready for any relationships. I think she wants him to get the point ("get away from me you freak!") but she doesn't know how to do it. Maybe I oughta talk to her? I've only met her twice. She's pleasant enough but it doesn't compute with me what he's so obsessed with. He claims he's not lusting after her. (riiiiiiiiiiiight!)

There you go again discounting your father. Work with him to try and help him win this woman over instead of judging him. You won't help him by attempting to force feed him reality as you perceive it. By seeing things from a distance through his eyes you will understand what he is after. This perspective should help you to help him.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

There you go again discounting your father. Work with him to try and help him win this woman over instead of judging him. You won't help him by attempting to force feed him reality as you perceive it. By seeing things from a distance through his eyes you will understand what he is after. This perspective should help you to help him.

The things I've said about dad here are the same feelings shared by everyone else in my family who is aware of this situation and knows his emotional instability and is concerned about him. I just read a VERY LONG e-mail from my sister who is staying with him at the moment. He apparently got so depressed over the situation one night that he sat down and got drunk! My sister forced him to go to bed and apparently when he did, he laid down and cried really hard for a few hours before he finally passed out. This behaviour is SOOOOOOOO NOT like my dad! My dad likes an occasional beer so he happened to have most of a six-pack in the fridge but he is no drunk and just the fact that his depression over this bimbo is making him resort to drinking (in addition to praying....figure that one out!?!?!?!) has me quite worried. He doesn't need help getting her love.....he needs help getting over her. She is not interested in him. Have I not made that part clear?

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I try to see things through his eyes....I've been single JUST AS LONG as he has. It hasn't been a picnic for me either but I've at least been aware enough that it's more productive for me to find other stuff to do then to obsess over someone who could care less that I exist (which in my case is ALL men but that's another story for another thread).

 

[desi]

I deal with annoyed people at work every day. The stupidest way to handle them is to cut them off and tell them why they are wrong, when I do this for some reason they call my boss and he calls to scold me. When I stop and listen to them to get their perspective and offer them logical choices based on where they're at they lead themselves to my perspective and we reach a consensus. Your father is far from seeing himself as you and 'everyone else' sees him and his situation. If you can gently lead him to see himself as others do, by being 'on his side', you may get him out of his malaise. If you insist on arguing about it you will predictably get a spirited arguement from him.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I understand what you're saying but I really think this is a hopeless case.

From December to June I listened to him when I would visit. My sister did the same. Although my heart was breaking due to his emotional distress I let him talk, 'preach' whatever. I have prayed that either it would work out or he would get over it. Dad himself says he has prayed the same prayers to no avail. I listened to him for six months and then when it was beyond obvious that nothing was going right I felt the need to say to him that "she's just not getting it." Those were the last things I said to him. That was Father's Day. I have not spoken to him since. He obviously hasn't noticed because he hasn't called to see how I am doing or why I haven't been over or anything. I've come to the conclusion that my dad no longer gives a rip about me. I was never hostile with him. I listened to him as he would (in his apparent state of mental illness!) give me two different stories in the same afternoon about what he wants in life and his opinion of this woman. In one breath she means everything to him, in another he speaks of her as probably dating someone else and probably sleeping with them, etc...

My sister listened to it every day from him for the same length of time and finally snapped. I guess that was what led to his drinking binge.

In her e-mail update she says this woman called dad's cell phone and house (didn't leave a message from what I gather) and now he is ignoring these calls because a friend of my uncle's supposedly talked him into realizing this woman is just using him.

I know....I am TOTALLY WRONG BECAUSE I AM A FEMALE. ALL MEN (including you!) THINK I AM STUPID (as well as ugly but that's a topic for another post!). I KNOW AND I REALLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE. IF YOU WANT ME TO GO PLAY THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AND PLAY PITY PARTY TO DAD, IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO CALL ME. I DOUBT I EVER SPEAK TO THE MAN AGAIN. NO MAN ON THIS PLANET HAS EVER CARED ABOUT ME AND NEVER WILL. I COULD STAND IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD AND IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. HE'D JUST BE TICKED BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN THE CARPET! THIS IS NOT THE RELATIONSHIP I REMEMBER AS A CHILD. DO I SOUND TICKED? HMMMM......

 

[Stanfi]

Hoosier,

Here is a thought. Maybe you are not the person to help your dad. I think maybe trying to help him, just magnifies your own pain, and is not healthy for you.

Sort of like to recovering alchohlics trying to help each other, they both eventually give up and decide to get drunk.

I think think maybe you should back away some, and allow yourself to heal up.

Just a suggestion.

I think your poor dad believes God is going to work some 'big miracle', changes this womans heart and everything is going to blooms roses. It's not going to happen, been there myself. Hopefully soon, he will realize his qualtiy of life has diminished and focus elsewhere.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Hoosier,

Here is a thought. Maybe you are not the person to help your dad. I think maybe trying to help him, just magnifies your own pain, and is not healthy for you.

Sort of like to recovering alchohlics trying to help each other, they both eventually give up and decide to get drunk.

I think think maybe you should back away some, and allow yourself to heal up.

Just a suggestion.

I think your poor dad believes God is going to work some 'big miracle', changes this womans heart and everything is going to blooms roses. It's not going to happen, been there myself. Hopefully soon, he will realize his qualtiy of life has diminished and focus elsewhere.

BINGO! You have completely hit the nail on the head in all areas.

1. dad DOES believe God is going to work some big miracle. He's even commented to that effect "God can put it in her mind that I'm irresistible!"

I have backed off. I haven't called, visited, or spoken to dad since the week of Father's Day. It's very weird as I mentioned earlier I usually visit him twice a month. Once as a teenager I went three months without speaking to my mom because of a situation. Now she and I have some contact at least once a week (usually by e-mail).

My hope and prayer is that he DOES see what this obsession is doing to him AND his family (the ones who REALLY care about him!) and decides to move on. It's a lot like dealing with an alcoholic. You feel helpless and know that they can only be helped if they want it.

He frustrates me because he is so bloody stubborn and narrow minded that he can't imagine finding other things to keep him occupied.

Thanks for YOUR kind words here mrstace.

GodBless,

HC

 

[KidDitto]

To the original poster

Sorry for the long post but my point/question is this....do you honestly believe that God would instruct a man to act in such a way and cause him to feel the horrendous misery that dad is feeling? I say no. What's your opinion?

Thank you for your time and God Bless you richly.

I have a single minister friend who also went crazy like this. He believes God told him that he and this woman will be getting married. She told him she was NOT interested. Well, he set up teaching sessions near her home so they could see "each other". When the woman heard he was coming she would leave town that weekend.

He would constantly tell his circle of friends that he "knew" he was going to marry her because God told him...

This did not help his ministry as he became a bit "nuts".

And the more this woman said no -- the more he hunted her down -- like something primal came over him.

She did not want a restraining order but was spooked. She told his church counsel and they put him on a year LOA.

I told the guy I do not think under MOST circumstances that God says this is "the one" because God gives us "free will" and I think dating is a learning wonderful blessing from God. Nothing helped this guy.

Last I heard, he has not gotten his spot back in the "church" and is still wacked over this woman.

I really do not know what to say --

Does he have a friend or brother who can talk to him?


We will pray for him! Good luck -- God speed

(And this is an over 50 forum? Where do you see that? I have problems negotiating around this forum - thanks)

 

[HoosierCanuck]

To the original poster



I have a single minister friend who also went crazy like this. He believes God told him that he and this woman will be getting married. She told him she was NOT interested. Well, he set up teaching sessions near her home so they could see "each other". When the woman heard he was coming she would leave town that weekend.

He would constantly tell his circle of friends that he "knew" he was going to marry her because God told him...

This did not help his ministry as he became a bit "nuts".

And the more this woman said no -- the more he hunted her down -- like something primal came over him.

She did not want a restraining order but was spooked. She told his church counsel and they put him on a year LOA.

I told the guy I do not think under MOST circumstances that God says this is "the one" because God gives us "free will" and I think dating is a learning wonderful blessing from God. Nothing helped this guy.

Last I heard, he has not gotten his spot back in the "church" and is still wacked over this woman.

I really do not know what to say --

Does he have a friend or brother who can talk to him?


We will pray for him! Good luck -- God speed

(And this is an over 50 forum? Where do you see that? I have problems negotiating around this forum - thanks)

No, it's not an over-50 forum. I originally had this question/thread in the Golden Eagles forum but the Mod moved it to here.

Dad's youngest brother has talked to him some about this. He has the same opinion as my sister and I (and everyone else who knows the 'whole' story). Your friend sounds SO MUCH like dad. I'm sorry to hear about his situation but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in my frustration. Thanks for your prayers.

HC

 

[desi]

I know....I am TOTALLY WRONG BECAUSE I AM A FEMALE. ALL MEN (including you!) THINK I AM STUPID (as well as ugly but that's a topic for another post!). I KNOW AND I REALLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE. IF YOU WANT ME TO GO PLAY THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AND PLAY PITY PARTY TO DAD, IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO CALL ME. I DOUBT I EVER SPEAK TO THE MAN AGAIN. NO MAN ON THIS PLANET HAS EVER CARED ABOUT ME AND NEVER WILL. I COULD STAND IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD AND IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. HE'D JUST BE TICKED BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN THE CARPET! THIS IS NOT THE RELATIONSHIP I REMEMBER AS A CHILD. DO I SOUND TICKED? HMMMM......

You sound like someone with a chip on her shoulder.