Still blaming myself

[PuNkChIcK]

Hey,
Today was my mom's funeral. not that the feelings had numbed at all, but they intensified more today. I'm still blaming myself, and it's making things worse i believe, but i can't seem to help it. Today was the first time i'd left the house. and i still am unable to eat, i don't feel like doing anything i just want to lay around. i'll probably be losing my job soon, but i just can't go back....i don't know what to do....

 

[PuppyforChrist]

I gave you 500 blessings. You deserve them.

Amber, I know you are hurting right now. I know I can't really relate to experience, but I know it must be really really hard.

Please don't give up. I believe in you Amber. Listen to your heart and follow God's ways. This is the devil trying to get to you. He wants you to turn away from God and come back to him.

Prove to him that you are stronger than that. Pray to the Lord for strength and healing, and you shall recieve it. Ignore the devil's evil ways. Your mother is in a better place now. She is with the Lord. And you will see her again someday. I promise you that.

I write this from my heart to you. Please don't give up hope.

Remember, God loves you Amber.

 

[daughter of the king]

i'm so sorry. I have never lost someone close so idon't really know, but all i can suggest is you can pray. with Gods strength you can stand back up and keep going. Ill b praying for you.
Hang in there. God will put you thru.
we all love you here at CF.

 

[urbanfaerie]

were u close?

give it sum time... but do try n get sumthing to eat, eh'..

ur mother would prolly hate to see u fall apart, and her not be there to comfort u. God takes ppl for a reason. when its our time. trust in him..

tho, i know that does lil comfort.

r u seeing a counselor over ur loss?
it might help..

 

[BigToe]

oh hun, i am really sorry to hear about your loss. and i am really sorry to hear that you feel things are getting worse and intensifying. i know how much it sucks to hurt and not seem to be able to do anything about it. please know there are many people who love you and care for you and are willing to help you with anything you need.

please try to get sleep and eat something. you don't have to eat much, but feed your body. if you skip out on those two things, your body doesn't function properly and feelings of depression can worsen. and when you feel there is nothing to do, methods of self care help a lot. if you enjoy reading, pick a good book. maybe watch some movies or television for a spell. now is probably a good time to exercise methods of distraction. and while they won't make the pain go away, it will at least help get your mind off things temporarily.

seeing a counselor isn't a bad idea, but thats something you need to choose to do for yourself. if someone forces you to do it, its just not the same.

and hold onto God right now. you can depend on him. he isnt going to leave you. he will stand there and love you. you can yell at him and scream at him and he will still be there holding your hand through this. i will be praying that you can feel the arms of God wrapped around you right now.

 

[PuNkChIcK]

we had always been pretty close, but just happened to be in a fight and i told her "I hate you, I wish you were dead" then she died, and thats the last thing she heard from me, and it's killing me. I was the one being reckless, i was the one who should have died, i wish it had been me......

 

[psycmajor]

You're still in my prayers, Punkchick.

 

[bravesaz]

we had always been pretty close, but just happened to be in a fight and i told her "I hate you, I wish you were dead" then she died, and thats the last thing she heard from me, and it's killing me. I was the one being reckless, i was the one who should have died, i wish it had been me......

I'm a mom and I'd be willing to bet that your mom forgave you about 30 seconds after you said those hateful (to you) words. So, now you have to forgive yourself.

That's not easy to do, I know, but give it a try. Your mom would want you to get on with your life--no not right away, but soon--and find happiness and joy.

Remember the good times you and your mom had together. Laugh about all the fun you had--and cry. Tears are healing.

But most of all, don't forget that God loves you and will help you heal, too.

God bless you, hon.

 

[ZiSunka]

Punk Chick, here is the gospel truth:

You cannot wish somebody dead. Your words and her death had unforunate timing, but they had nothing to do with each other. Your words did not kill her. I don't know why your mom died, but it is not because your angry words had any kind of magical powers. God does not respond to our commands, and all lives are in His hands. When you said you wished she was dead, He already knew you didn't mean that in a literal sense, and He would never answer such a request anyway. God does not help us in hurting people.

So let go of your guilt. It's false guilt. You had nothing to do with it.

 

[ukok]

You are in my prayers Punkchick. I have not yet lost a parent and can only attempt to imagine your grief and anguish, but i have lost people who were extremely dear to me. I know that you are finding it difficult to breath at the moment and this pain feels like it is suffocating you, but you did not kill your mother, she knows that you love her and she would have forgiven you. If i can be of any help to you in any way, pm me.

 

[PuNkChIcK]

thanks for all the prayers, i know i shouldn't feel guilty, but i just can't seem to let it go....

 

[Totally Transformed]

thanks for all the prayers, i know i shouldn't feel guilty, but i just can't seem to let it go....

PuNkChIcK, you're not alone. Remember when Peter denied Jesus three times before His crucifixion? Can you imagine how guilty Peter felt? Yet, Jesus when He was resurrected specifically mentioned Peter asking the other disciples to go and get him. Our God is the God of the second, third, fourth, all the way up to virtually infinity chance. He forgives you for what you said to your mother. And believe me what you said had nothing to do with her death. That is the exact moment that God allowed her spirit to leave her body it had nothing to do with you. Now don't be so hard on yourself. Our great Lord says, "therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." If He is not going to condemn you, then you should stop condeming yourself, OK?

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Sounds like there was a good relationship there and that was just a bump in the road. Don't concentrate on that one negative moment. Would you want your daughter to or another relative? NO! Your mom is thinking the same right now about you. She doesn't want you to think of her and feel bad, she wants you to think of her and be joyful!!

 

[psycmajor]

BIG s 4 PunkChick

 

[ziggackslam]

I know how it feels PunkChick. Trust me. When my brother died... I felt it was my fault, you know, not enought time to talk with him, tell him how much I really really loved him, told him that I cared. He died on Halloween and ever since Ive hated it. And he died of leukemia. This happened through my childhood and was affecting me through out my junior high school years, but Im praying and believing that he is up in Heaven with our Lord and Savior! Keep the faith, sister, and keep praying.

 

[psycmajor]

punkchick

what would help you let go of your guilt?

 

[layne]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. Don't worry about not leaving the house, or going to work, or blaming yourself. Everything comes in God's time, so leave it to Him. He'll reveal the truths in your life to you if you pray for it. I also hope you'll seek counseling and not let any of these emotions bottle up. Tons of love and hugs! You'll be in my prayers.