Stepparents, where are you?

[eatenbylocusts]

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[justD]

Just out of curiosity, are there any stepparents out there who have never had children of their own?

Hi Rembrandtfan,

Yes. I have 8 stepchildren and none of my own. Ages range from 18 down to 4 and the younger 6 call me dad while the older two call me by my name.

I vent on my own blog every now and again, but don't have many visitors there yet, which is why I came here to mingle with other parents.

 

[EazyMack]

Step-parenting is extremely difficult, for those who take the mother/father role seriously enough to care. You give of yourself as if they were your children, but you do not receive the same love as if they were your children. Bonds are difficult to establish & grow, and it usually feels like a very one-sided relationship.

I used to get discouraged by this, but I've had a change in perspective on it. I realize I can't do it with the motivation of looking for them to accept me as a father. I have to do it strictly out of love for them. Jesus didn't do what He did because we loved Him first...

 

[ms2009]

Not to dreg up an old topic, but I'm new here and this post caught my eye.

I am a child-free (no bio-children of my own and no desire to have bio-children), custodial step-parent. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and he has sole custody of both his daughters. Their mother has visitation with them every other weekend and on the holidays she feels she can spare the time to take them.

Our situation is rather unique, I suppose. My oldest step-daughter has Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My youngest step-daughter has autism and an intellectual disability. This has made our journey as a family quite difficult at times but we're in a much better place than we were two years ago.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Not to dreg up an old topic, but I'm new here and this post caught my eye.

I am a child-free (no bio-children of my own and no desire to have bio-children), custodial step-parent. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and he has sole custody of both his daughters. Their mother has visitation with them every other weekend and on the holidays she feels she can spare the time to take them.

Our situation is rather unique, I suppose. My oldest step-daughter has Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My youngest step-daughter has autism and an intellectual disability. This has made our journey as a family quite difficult at times but we're in a much better place than we were two years ago.

God give you the wisdom and patience to raise these kids. You have an important job to do.

 

[lindart]

I have 5 children, 4 stepchildren all of whom are adults. I also have six stepgrandchildren and 2 grandchildren. I learned so much through the years and I would like to share what I have found to be so important when blending families. First and foremost, these children never asked to be part of a blended family and THEY are the ones who will suffer the most for it. This is not God's plan for his children. All children need to know that they are loved by both mom and dad. Grant it, things happen and so we fall short, whether by divorce or death or abandonment. Having said this, we can understand that most children will have a rough time dealing with these major changes in their lives. My husband and I worked very hard to raise our 9 kids with love, compassion and understanding. These kids are at a loss so if we always remember this, we will come to expect some emotional conflict coming from this. We provided counseling when needed and we gave them a safe place to express their feelings and we never, ever, denigrate the missing parent. Also, I expect my husband to do all for his children as I would expect him to do for mine and vice versa. He was gone alot for their events, school plays, recitals, sports activities, college and on through today doing what fathers do. If you have a child who is acting out, especially during adolescent years, spend as much of your time as you can to hear and be with him/her. Hear their hearts and love them and spend one on one time with them, all of them. The road is rocky at best, but if you keep this in your heart, your children will grow better adjusted and more happy than if you don't. Today, my husband and I are blessed with all of our children and grandchildren and so I want to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ, that the road is tough but if we remember that all children deserve the love of Christ exemplified through the perserverence and love of their 'parents'.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I have 5 children, 4 stepchildren all of whom are adults. I also have six stepgrandchildren and 2 grandchildren. I learned so much through the years and I would like to share what I have found to be so important when blending families. First and foremost, these children never asked to be part of a blended family and THEY are the ones who will suffer the most for it. This is not God's plan for his children. All children need to know that they are loved by both mom and dad. Grant it, things happen and so we fall short, whether by divorce or death or abandonment. Having said this, we can understand that most children will have a rough time dealing with these major changes in their lives. My husband and I worked very hard to raise our 9 kids with love, compassion and understanding. These kids are at a loss so if we always remember this, we will come to expect some emotional conflict coming from this. We provided counseling when needed and we gave them a safe place to express their feelings and we never, ever, denigrate the missing parent. Also, I expect my husband to do all for his children as I would expect him to do for mine and vice versa. He was gone alot for their events, school plays, recitals, sports activities, college and on through today doing what fathers do. If you have a child who is acting out, especially during adolescent years, spend as much of your time as you can to hear and be with him/her. Hear their hearts and love them and spend one on one time with them, all of them. The road is rocky at best, but if you keep this in your heart, your children will grow better adjusted and more happy than if you don't. Today, my husband and I are blessed with all of our children and grandchildren and so I want to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ, that the road is tough but if we remember that all children deserve the love of Christ exemplified through the perserverence and love of their 'parents'.

 

[ReginaPhlange]

I am a stepmum to a 11 yr old boy. I have no biological children of my own, although this may change in the future???! Not sure.

Anyway, although I'm a stepmum, I feel more like mum as his biological mother is rarely in his life and has caused no end of emotional (and probably behavioural) problems.

Great to have a sub-forum to rant, rave and share feelings/advice. It's hard being a step parent at times!

Blessings x

 

[Prodigal7]

I stumbled across this thread and to my surprise saw one of my old posts from 2008.

I am still married, my relationship with my wife is strong, and our family has mostly blended.

Somethings are much better. I spend less time worrying about how much or how little we are blending. I am more secure in my marriage. I am more accepting of the differences of a blended family and a step family.

I get along pretty well with my stepson (now 16). I am somewhat distant from my stepdaughter (now 19).

I do the best I can. I accept God's grace. I never contemplate divorce. We have gotten through it one day at a time. I hope someday to be closer to my stepdaughter but it's ok if it stays as it is.

My own son is doing well. Some of the troubles he gives me (now 13) would have occured even if I was still living alone.

I believe it's God's will for me to be married. We have stayed plugged in to the church during our marriage. It helped immensely.

 

[Mozingo27]

I am also a new step-mom. I know I have so much to learn and alot of prayers along the way. My husband has an eight year old son with his ex-wife. Our journey started a little over a year ago when My now husband and I started dating. When I first meet his little boy he was instantly my little buddy. My husband said he had never seen his little one take to someone so quick. Hearing that made me really happy. Things went well at first but over time he began to act up just a little but nothing out of the ordinary. Things began to change the day we got married, my now step son called his mother and asked to stay the night for the first time and she went through the roof. I could hear her screaming on the phone. I heard her tell my husband that "he would get what was coming to him." After that time, its been a very hard road for both myself and my husband. We began to see behaviors out of his son, my stepson, that is definately not normal for an eight year old. He told us his mom told him to do certain things. and believe me what ever his mother tells him no matter if its right or wrong, he believes its the gospel. Right now at this present day in time has been some of the hardest times I've had so far. I feel so bad for my husband because I hear the things his son says to him. He will say Mom told me that Dad------- what she wants him to believe that day and when she does this it almost ruins their relationship everytime. He will tell his father, I don't love you.. I don't care..etc. It breaks my heart but we have reach out for help to see what we can do to hopefully can this course before it gets worse. Our main source is praying..... and to be honest sometimes praying for this situation is even hard. I am trying to remain hopeful but I do know this, that no matter what God is still God and he can still move mountains. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and I will PRAISE HIM!!!!

 

[FeelingSteppedOn]

Hi I'm a stepparent and I'm glad I found this place. I agree completely with you, Rembrandtfan. I have felt so alone all these years and never really knew who to talk to about how I feel. I have one step daughter and no biological children of my own. I will say more but later when I have time. I just registered and wanted to say "Hi"

 

[eatenbylocusts]

]Things began to change the day we got married,[/B] my now step son called his mother and asked to stay the night for the first time and she went through the roof. I could hear her screaming on the phone. I heard her tell my husband that "he would get what was coming to him." After that time, its been a very hard road for both myself and my husband. We began to see behaviors out of his son, my stepson, that is definately not normal for an eight year old. He told us his mom told him to do certain things. and believe me what ever his mother tells him no matter if its right or wrong, he believes its the gospel. Right now at this present day in time has been some of the hardest times I've had so far. I feel so bad for my husband because I hear the things his son says to him. He will say Mom told me that Dad------- what she wants him to believe that day and when she does this it almost ruins their relationship everytime. He will tell his father, I don't love you.. I don't care..etc. It breaks my heart but we have reach out for help to see what we can do to hopefully can this course before it gets worse. Our main source is praying..... and to be honest sometimes praying for this situation is even hard. I am trying to remain hopeful but I do know this, that no matter what God is still God and he can still move mountains. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and I will PRAISE HIM!!!!

This is how my ss's mom reacted when she found out we were engaged. I purposely put a different wedding date on my bridal registries and guess what? Right before that date she stirred up some trouble and got a restraining order. When we did get married my dh had to wait until he picked up his son on Friday to tell him we were getting married the next day.

She is still up to trouble, but I think she is now a bit more distracted with ss's bad behavior that she has been sowing all these years. She really wanted to send him off to a camp several states away.

Your dh should start thinking about getting his son into some counseling/ court mediation because the kid should not be hearing negative remarks and brainwashing. We are living with it and it is not pleasant.

 

[verob]

I am a step parent and I also have 2 children with my husband. I'm glad to find this forum- it's hard for me to feel the same about my SD as I do my own children, and I feel guilty about that. I try hard, but as soon as I know she's coming over I get irritated. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that her visits are so spuratic at this point so i never know she's coming until the last minute. She is supposed to come live with us this summer and then transition into living with us full time from then on!!!! I'm trying not to stress about it-I tell myself maybe her being there full time will help me adjust better to her being around. She's not a bad child she has just been raised differently than I would have chosen to raise her and there's going to be a lot of "un-teaching". Also, I feel guilty b/c I feel like she robs me of time with my kids, b/c she always wants to be the center of attention. Meanwhile, she really loves me-which dosen't help my feelings of guilt. I do love her and I don't treat her differently I just feel that way secretly I guess.