Step sons mother

[Japonica]

I'm still trying to figure out what I think of my stepson's mother. He lives with me, his dad and my son. We all get on fine (ish), the ish being my dislike of some of my stepson's language and non-chrstian ideas (reinforced by his own mother). He's ten and for the last 5 years has seen his mother 3 afternoons a week for an hour or so and during the day for one day at the weekend. Although this is fairly frequent I find it difficult that she rarely has him over night, goes on holidays of a couple of weeks without him during school holidays (when I look after him) and only recently started taking him to her house (only at weekends), in the week she goes shopping with him (she used to see him in our house).
My son has a great relationship with me which is very different to my stepson and his mother. My son also stays weekends with his dad, has a bedroom there and is part of his home (which is another obvious difference).
My stepsons mother says she can't have him to stay more as she has other committments with her new partners family. She is happy to spend large amounts of money on her son though, although none towards his basic upkeep.
My husband agrees with me that she is not a wholly positive influence in areas of his life and isn't contributing to our development as a christian family.
I am wondering where God wants me to put my thoughts and actions with this situation and my relationship with my stepson and his mother (I have told her what I think about this situation but she says nothing except I keep wanting more and more from her and made so many changes for me). She doesn't want to meet to discuss her son (for whom I am now a primary carer, she says there is no reason to). I want her to be more responsible because the differences between how my son and stepson are cared for is significant.
Does anyone have any thoughts or a similar situation?

 

[bliz]

Your step-son is desperatly in need of a mother. His biological mother is not going to rise to the ocassion.

So.....?????

You need to be his mother. He needs you to be his mother. Pray that God will change your heart and that you will fall in love with him and want to help shape him into the man God wants him to be. That cannot happen if you consider yourself his care-taker.

 

[spiersdodgerblue]

Your step-son is desperatly in need of a mother. His biological mother is not going to rise to the ocassion.

So.....?????

You need to be his mother. He needs you to be his mother. Pray that God will change your heart and that you will fall in love with him and want to help shape him into the man God wants him to be. That cannot happen if you consider yourself his care-taker.

I could not agree with you more here bliz.

I am a step parent to 3. They are all grown now. They all lived with My husband and I and their mother was in and out of their lives.

It sounds as if you (in what you are asking of this mother) trying to control her. The more you try the further she will pull back and the less the boy has his mom, and the more problem in the boy might arise.

She is not a Christian? You can not expect her to act like one, she does not know His ways.

She might even feel ensecure of herself compared to you.

Just try and love the young boy and show his mom God's grace and love. You might be the only one she is going to see Jesus through.

 

[Japonica]

Thank you so much for your words of guidance, yes, you are right and I need to focus on how I can help them, and stop being competative. I find it really hard on the one hand her being around and on the other hand get cross when she isn't pulling her weight so she'll never get it right in my eyes if I carry on like this.

 

[spiersdodgerblue]

Thank you so much for your words of guidance, yes, you are right and I need to focus on how I can help them, and stop being competative. I find it really hard on the one hand her being around and on the other hand get cross when she isn't pulling her weight so she'll never get it right in my eyes if I carry on like this.

You taking our guidance in the spirit (love) in which it was meant shows me the your heart is in the right place for God to mold.

God Bless and let us know from time to time how it's going.

Keep searching for His will!

 

[BeanMak]

You got some great advice. You can't change the mother; you can't force her to be a better parent. You are the best thing this boy has in his life!

 

[Japonica]

The messages have helped so much. Things have been a bit better alon g with usual range of irritating events involving her.
I posted a message on another non-christian step parenting board which she read (quite a coincidence) but seems to be reactionless to. It's a very difficult journey and I feel my fiance's very passive attitude doesn't help, he just accepts it whatever. She's said she'll get her mother to look after him in the school holidays but my fiance will have to drop him off each morning at her house (45 mins away) before he then goes on to work. He's happy to go along with this, I think he's too passive.

I'm wondering what God thinks of her and her attitude and lack of commitment.
I also wonder what God thinks of me telling my fiance he should be a bit more emotional and stand up to her.

Thanks so much for your support.

 

[thebigguy]

hehe give her 'teh raep'

 

[godismyabba]

The best thing I have ever done, was to love my step-sons mother. Yes, you heard right. Even when they don't step up to the plate, even when they are bitter.. let that boy know that his mother is great. And that you know how much she loves him. I know it may feel like a lie to you, but trust me, it will make a world of differnce in everyones life. Been there, done that. It is hard, but love her like Jesus loves her. You won't be sorry.

 

[Laurie919]

The best thing I have ever done, was to love my step-sons mother. Yes, you heard right. Even when they don't step up to the plate, even when they are bitter.. let that boy know that his mother is great. And that you know how much she loves him. I know it may feel like a lie to you, but trust me, it will make a world of differnce in everyones life. Been there, done that. It is hard, but love her like Jesus loves her. You won't be sorry.

This is an excellent post. So many times step-moms are quick to judge the parent and will sometimes let those feels roll over to the child.

 

[Japonica]

Thank you for those words of advice. Much needed at this time. Feeling very down about my stepson. His childminder and his friends mum have both been telling me not so great things about him and his mother and I'm finding it really hard.
Also, I arranged a holiday for myself and my son for the school holidays. His mother has now said she won't be looking after him for this week of the holidays so he is now having to come on holiday with me (ad ot his father who will be at work). I am so anoyed about this as I just need some let up from him.

 

[christianbkworm]

Your step-son is desperatly in need of a mother. His biological mother is not going to rise to the ocassion.

So.....?????

You need to be his mother. He needs you to be his mother. Pray that God will change your heart and that you will fall in love with him and want to help shape him into the man God wants him to be. That cannot happen if you consider yourself his care-taker.

I so agree with this. I am in that situation now. My 3 stepchildren live with me and my husband and see their mom once a week. They call me mom (their decision, not mine) and I am their mother. I take care of them when they are sick.

The best thing I have ever done, was to love my step-sons mother. Yes, you heard right. Even when they don't step up to the plate, even when they are bitter.. let that boy know that his mother is great. And that you know how much she loves him. I know it may feel like a lie to you, but trust me, it will make a world of differnce in everyones life. Been there, done that. It is hard, but love her like Jesus loves her. You won't be sorry.

This is also something I highly recommend. It's not easy , let me tell you. I have been really working on this myself. I pray for my hubby's ex and my ex and have been asking God to give me a love for them. I'm still working on it, but I know that He can and will do that. I think that will make dealing with the x's easier.

 

[Japonica]

I've had a really bad time lately with my stepson and have really struggled with my negative feelings for him. For the moment for the sake of my relationship with him (and my son) and my mental health I have decided to take a step back from my stepson. I've told his father that I will spend time with them together but that at the moment I can not be left to look after him on my own. I am wondering if this is just me ducking out of a difficult situation or because this child really needs his real parents looking after him. I do think he is a boy lacking in parental love and his real parents really need to see this and if I keep on filling in for them they will never take the responsibility for him that they really need to. He so needs his real mother in a real sense, not just holidays, material things and short (although sometimes fairly frequent) times together with no permenant base.

 

[PlanN2WalkONwata]

The best thing I have ever done, was to love my step-sons mother. Yes, you heard right. Even when they don't step up to the plate, even when they are bitter.. let that boy know that his mother is great. And that you know how much she loves him. I know it may feel like a lie to you, but trust me, it will make a world of differnce in everyones life. Been there, done that. It is hard, but love her like Jesus loves her. You won't be sorry.

Omgoodness... yes! It is very hard, but it has to be done. When you talk about your kids mom/dad... you are forcing your child to choose a side. I remember once she promised our then 5 year old (on a Thursday) that she was going to come get him that weekend. She didn't tell us til Friday. Then the day came when she was supposed to come and no word from her. I ended up having to call my mother-in-law and having her call the mom to find out what was going on. The mom had no plans on calling. So, I had to explain to my son why she wasn't coming to see him without making her look bad. B/c when it comes down to it.. when our kids are teens... they will remember everything we said about their real parents... and it's not going to look bad on them... but rather on us. My mom talked about my dad a lot and my dad NEVER talked about my mom. I realized what my mom said about my dad more often than not had an affect on how I saw her ... not him. When my son is a preteen and starts asking to live with his mom b/c he wants to know what if feels like... and yes.. if you're a step parent... this day is coming... You want to have the best relationship with that child that you can. Love them with all your heart, and let them see the love for their real parents through you. Let them know they don't have to choose sides even if they choose to live somewhere else... and that they will still be loved.