Step- Parenting

[MelissaK]

I recently married the man of my dreams. He has a three-yr old daughter, in which he has custody of. He was previously married, however, I have never been married, nor have children of my own.
For the most part... things are really good, however, when she returns from her mothers house, every other weekend... she turns into some other child. She often starts screaming for her mother, yelling, kicking. etc. We are really good to her and it often hurts when all she wants is her mother. Her mother doesn't do much for her, other than buy her clothes.

Any suggestions on how to get through the REALLY tough times???

 

[lucypevensie]

It's hard to say since there is only one person's viewpont represented here. I feel bad for this little girl, having to go from one parent to the other. I would love to hear her thoughts on this situation. The mother doesn't do much but buy her clothes??? Really? Is it possible that she loves her mom and is angry that she has to leave her yet again?

I'm sorry that times are tough for you all. I'm sure you realize this is no picnic for the 3 year old either. Keep that foremost in your thoughts. She needs boundaries and discipline and lots of love. I'd encourage Dad to take most of the initiative in this area.

Whatever you do, don't say bad things about her mom, especially in her presence.

 

[kingzjewel]

my cousin's child used to go through pretty much the same thing about his father, but he learned to get used to it over time and a lot of explaining that he can see his dad again soon and that they both love him the same and nothing can change that... she needs reassurance that you arent replacing her mom but she is gaining something special in having 2 moms. another thing that could help is if she wants her mom and she wont calm down that you can show her pics of her mom and talk nice things about her mom. think about how that poor little baby feels being thrust back and forth with no real understanding as to why she cant be with her mommy. its pretty traumatizing. praying for you all

 

[Evening Mist]

Poor baby girl! Even regular everyday transitions are *really* hard for kids this age. Things as simple as leaving the park, or putting down a toy to eat a meal can upset a 3 yo. But transitioning between parents must really rock her little boat. Poor thing.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, and that lots of gentle sympathy and extra attention is the only thing you can offer right now. I'm sure it *does* hurt you that she only wants her mother!! That is understandable. But 3 is much too young to expect her to regard your feelings in the matter. Her feelings are overpowering to her, and it will be more productive to focus on what she is going through. Let her know that you hear she wants her mama, and that you understand, and that its okay for her to feel the way she does. Let her cry and make noise, but draw the line at hurting people. If you have to hold her tight so that she can't kick you, that's okay. I would gently repeat, "Its okay to be angry. Its okay to cry and be sad. Its even okay to yell and shout about it. But its *not* okay to hurt people." As she gets older I imagine the transition will go smoother. There are some things you just have to ride out, KWIM?

Some simple things that might help are 1) Ask her mom to start talking with her about going home to daddy an hour or so before drop off, so that she can start to prepare herself and know what to expect. 2) Have a consistant routine in place for her the night she gets home. Make sure you and daddy are there. Serve the same meal or snack every week. Read the same stories. Make sure they are nice routines that will soothe her and be something stable and comforting to look forward to. 3) Hang a calender in her room with special stickers on her "mommy weekend" and talk to her about it when she asks. 3 yo. is not quite old enough to fully grasp the concept of a calender, but its old enough to start and I think many 3 yo's are interested in the idea.

Good luck. You are doing a wonderful thing for this child!