Step family Issues

[Galadriel]

Hey all,
Well, me and my dad are having a bit of a tiff over something relating to step family. See, my to be step mom lives near where I go to college (I commute) and I used to go over there just about everyday the first semester, and it was kinda like I just hung out there, and I really probably needed to be more at college hanging with my age kids instead of her.

Well, this semster, (that was 2 semesters ago, the one in between I never really went over anyways and it didn't seem to be a problem) my dad is like "you should go and see her" "you never do" and it has been a month since I did with the rest of the family this past summer (that was late August). I would think that dad would be happy that I am spending my time at college, where I should be, I don't really want to go over there and visit her.

Its not that she isn't nice, she is very much so, but she also watches kids during the day, and I don't know, I just don't want to hang around her. Well, she is a very strong, independant, used to dealing with little kids, and often times I just don't want to be around for very long, cause I just feel as if she is treating me like a kid too, just the way she is, and it seems we are 2 very different people, just come from totally different situacions and have totally differnent ways of looking at things, and I kind of feel stifled a bit. This is hard to explain, I hope you get the jist. I think also I feel kinda like I don't want another mom, and I don't want her to come in and act all "mommy" towards me, I am used to being without a mother influence, and I don't really want one now. So, hence, I do not really want to go over there, I also feel a bit like she is trying to mold me into what she wants me to be, I mean not overt, just I get those undercurrents. I think I just react to this by wanting to not be in the vicinity to begin with.

My dad of course is head over heels, and he probably couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be around her for 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I don't know, this is a tough situacion, and its going to get even more interesting when they marry and move in together.

 

[doofus125]

Well first of all, I think you can talk to your dad about this.....If you like her and get along with her but don't want to be around her because you are not comfterable yet or just not ready for the change of your dad marrying then you should tell him....tell him that you like her and get along with her and everything, but u are just not ready and then tell him that you support him and his choice of marrage..... I can understand your situation and why u feel the way you do.....let us know how it goes ok?

 

[cyberwing]

Dear Galadriel,
At your age she should respect that you are an adult and she should relate to you on that level. Even though you are young. Maybe her maternal instincts are very strong and she really wants to help you but doesn't know anyway of communicating except as with small children?? Were I a stepmother I would never try to take the place of the real mother, you can't, unless the person allows you that honor. What I'm saying is a stepparent can't just 'assume' they will step into the role of parent unless the child is small. I think talking honestly with your father would be the best approach too. You have no animosity toward her, you simply have had life begin to take precedence and that is good. Maybe your father will understand, maybe he won't, Dad's don't like to see their little girls grow up!!!
Will say a prayer for you!
DJ

 

[Galadriel]

Hey there!
Thank you for the responses. I did kind of try to talk to my dad, but he just gets real annoyed with me. Hmm, maybe another approach.
Cyberwing, yeah, she does tend to treat me a lot younger than I am, and it is kind of annoying, she does have VERY strong mothering instincts, so I guess its where it comes from, she seems like a mother hen in a way. Your right I don't have any amnosity towards her, but I don't want her to be all motherly, maybe just a sort of equal friends would be nice, it is hard cause she will be in the position of mother once they get married. I do just want her to treat me as older, and not try to "mother" over me as much. I think its hard because I by nature tend to be quiet and hesitant, and she may see this and take it as she needs to look over me in a way, but that isn't what I want. I can take care of myself in those regards and have been for awhile now.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

You're a college student. Hang out at school.
That's perfectly normal and he needs to understand that.

 

[water_ripple]

Galadriel

I think maybe the reason she is reacting so strongly to you is b/c she desires your acceptance. I think perhaps that this may be the reason your dad is pushing you to see her often. Possibly this is Y she comes off as smothering you with mothering. I'm not sure, but it is just my opinion. Maybe the pressure would stop from your dad if you went straight to her and disscussed your feelings with her. Tell her that you appreciate her concern for you, but a second mother figure is not what you need. Perhaps instead you should offer her a friendship that is completely different than a mother-daughter situation. I have a step mother who is only 8 yrs older than I am. We had to develop a friend relationship b/c I was an adult by the time we met. I think that if you approach her in a sensitive way she will be receptive to your friendship.

 

[capcurious]

Ahhh Galadriel I know what you're going through! I've been a new step mom to 3 teenagers, with 3 of my own in their 20's. I think I can help understanding it from both sides.

I don't want another mom, and I don't want her to come in and act all "mommy" towards me, I am used to being without a mother influence, and I don't really want one now. So, hence, I do not really want to go over there, I also feel a bit like she is trying to mold me into what she wants me to be, I mean not overt, just I get those undercurrents.

she does tend to treat me a lot younger than I am, and it is kind of annoying, she does have VERY strong mothering instincts, so I guess its where it comes from, she seems like a mother hen in a way.

In reality she probably doesn't want to treat you like a kid either! In fact...if that's what she does ALL DAY it's probably the last thing she wants to do, because it's a further drain on her. Chances are she doesn't know of any other way of "relating to you".

Step Moms COULD REALLY USE SOME DIRECTION. Stepping into a new family...we have NO idea how to fit into the new situations...

My suggestion is, when you're ready, Do your Step Mom a favor and tell her you'd like to have a WOMAN TO WOMAN, HEART TO HEART talk, quickly following that with… "Something's bothering you that you're pretty sure she'll understand.

You"ve made excellent points.

Possibly putting it in order ahead of time will bring about your best results:

• You're struggling over this step-daughter "thing".
• By your age you KNOW you're not going to want to be mothered or mommied at all. Except when you're sick or…….(any other times?)
• You would really appreciate if you could have more of an adult to adult friendship, type of relationship. Instead of the mom "thing".
• After being on my on and going to college, it's too difficult to imagine myself being mothered again, after all these years. I hope you understand.
• I might still seem like a kid but I'm working it. I'd like it if you would work with me on too, by believing in me.

(the idea is, no I don't want to be mommied, but this is what I would like.)

Another important thing during your talk… is to plan SOMETHING ADULT with her "girls night out kind of thing" If you can manage it, you might try an outing like this "once a month. "Dinner and movie, a Concert something you could enjoy together. This will help her see you more grown up.

If she's mainly seen hanging out at her place that makes it harder to see you as an adult in the outside world. l help her see you as the rest of the world sees you. By you suggesting to go out together it will give her the opportunity to see, in fact, you are a woman of the world now! Taking the lead with these outing allows you to define them arranging when where and stop time. That alone will show confidence and independent thinking. Your Dad will probably feel a lot better knowing you're taking the initiative to establish a friendship with her

-- She's bound to slip back into the mothering role. Prepare yourself with something you can say related to the conversation you had that will to remind her of what you'd said. Rather than having negative feelings towards her when her mommy appears think of something like "Shifts Over (name)", "Kids are gone for the day". "RELAX, you don't have to play Mommy again till Monday, <grin> Unless Dad … <teasing> Dad".

Try to understand it's her Job that makes this mode near automatic for her and maybe isn't as personal as it feels. To be in the caretaker role all the time isn't really a healthy thing.

One last tidbit, the molding you into something, you mentioned. Could be she wants to pass on to you things she's learned. If you can explain a more comfortable way for her to talk with her by all means let her know.

 

[Galadriel]

Hey Capcurious!
You make some good points!
It is hard, cause yes I am 20, but I am not on her level quite, I mean I wouldn't feel comfortable either being totally woman to woman, (as if I were another 40 year old). She does have her own kids, (a 14 year old and a 19 year old).

I can imagine it is tough for her, she proabably does want to relate to me, but its hard cause that is all she does really is play 'caretaker'. She is a VERY confident strong self assured woman, and I am not, I tend to be more shy and timid, and I am sure she sees this as "this kid needs mothering!" in a way. But thats not it. It is tough.