Standing on my last leg

[dodolah]

Hi...
I have no ideas why I'm writing this... But, I pray to God to speak through me, at least for the last time.
I am sorry for my sucky English.. cause I am not a native speaker.

I was born in an abusive environment where I saw my dad beat my mom and my brothers, almost everyday. From slapping, beating her with a club or steel iron, strangling her, you named it. I've pretty much see everything imaginable.

When I was 10 yo, I tried to kill myself by jumping off a bridge. But, somehow somebody saw the attempts and saved me.
My 2nd attempt was when I was 12 yo, by running toward a speeding car (but again I failed).

I grew up with an incredible hatred toward my dad. Almost to a point where i want to kill him.

And as I reach my adolescent years... Without realizing it, I developed a sexual attraction toward both sexes (but more on the same sex).

Until, I was saved by Jesus on my college years. He gave me the strength to forgive my dad and to love him.

But, for many years, I prayed to God to help me overcome my sexual temptation toward the same sex. and Satan knew that is my Achilles heel. I just quit from my ministry on my own conscience last month (as I knew that a person like me is not worthy to serve God from the altar -plus my church is very adamant in its position toward this kinda thing.)-> off course, they do not know the reason why I quit. For, I saw many times they jokes about gays and bisexuals and how they gave the expression of disgust.

There is no way, I WILL ask counseling help at my church.

I love God so much but I am completely feel alone in this fight.
there are times where I felt God has abandoned me.
I have NEVER ACT on my lust. But as day passes, it's getting harder and harder to fight...
I have a girlfriend and I love her so much..

but lately, I fell in love with a guy at my church.
I fight this temptations over and over...
That guy and my girlfriend doesn't know about this at all...

I am walking on a very thin ice right now...
I am tired of fighting this...
I just wanna be normal...
There are times, I just want to die...
I love Jesus so much... but I keep betraying Him with this lust...
I can't keep on living like this...

I don't have the gut to confess to anybody that i know...
I bottled all my feelings till now...

I'm sorry......
To give you all my dirty laundry...
I am really really tired.....

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Aww man.
*hug*

I'm not gay. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like.

Although you may feel like you do not belong in a church, you are still God's child and you can still serve Him. None of us is worthy to serve God. But He is the one who comes to us. If anything, your pain, confusion, and struggles equip you to be able to reach people that most church-goers are not interested in reaching.

Curious...why do you have a girlfriend?

 

[Lost_and_astray]

Aww man.
*hug*

I'm not gay. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like.

Although you may feel like you do not belong in a church, you are still God's child and you can still serve Him. None of us is worthy to serve God. But He is the one who comes to us. If anything, your pain, confusion, and struggles equip you to be able to reach people that most church-goers are not interested in reaching.

Curious...why do you have a girlfriend?

People like me may not have the ability to lust after the opposite sex, but that doesn't mean we can't love. I'm pretty sure this is the case for dodolah.

Some suggestions from me would be to keep reminding yourself of how much you love god and your girlfriend. Instead of concentrating on fighting the temptation and lust, focus on what is good and try to ignore the temptation. If you feel alone and seperated from God make sure you pray alot to maintain your relationship with him, you won't be able to do this alone so you'll need God's help.

I'll by praying for you in my prayers.

 

[dodolah]

Aww man.
*hug*

I'm not gay. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like.

Although you may feel like you do not belong in a church, you are still God's child and you can still serve Him. None of us is worthy to serve God. But He is the one who comes to us. If anything, your pain, confusion, and struggles equip you to be able to reach people that most church-goers are not interested in reaching.

Curious...why do you have a girlfriend?

It's funny you ask that Q. I just prayed today and God reminds me about how I met with my GF. Thru it I am somewhat has a strength to stand up again..

She is actually a blessing for me. One day I pray to the Lord and told Him to do whatever His will to me. I am actually quite serious on dedicating my whole life in chastity. Quite strange but true...a week later, He answered my prayer and said He will introduced to me my half when I am ready.
Offcourse, when He told me He did not want me to be single for the rest of my life, I simply laugh and think that God is just joking.

And She came into my life 2 years ago. (B4 her, I never thought that the idea of falling in love with a woman is possible -that's why i am so ready to be single for the rest of my life.

Today i am reminded about how grateful I am to God of giving me a perfect companion..
That's why i guess I could never really betray God and her by submitting to my 'perverted' desire.
I am so down yesterday... But thank God He knew my limit...
Today I actually felt better due to many encouragement from the Holy Spirit. I'm not saying that feeling is gone.. but for now, I am able to withstand it.

I realize, He never promised me a life without troubles and temptations. Instead, He promised me strengths to live on.

thanks for your post,
GBU

 

[dodolah]

People like me may not have the ability to lust after the opposite sex, but that doesn't mean we can't love. I'm pretty sure this is the case for dodolah.

Some suggestions from me would be to keep reminding yourself of how much you love god and your girlfriend. Instead of concentrating on fighting the temptation and lust, focus on what is good and try to ignore the temptation. If you feel alone and seperated from God make sure you pray alot to maintain your relationship with him, you won't be able to do this alone so you'll need God's help.

I'll by praying for you in my prayers.

thks for your prayer.

 

[Johnnz]

You may not be happy getting counselling at church, but some good counselling from somewhere else may be very helpful. That sort of background affects us in many ways. Some help in assisting you to identify just how you were affected could be very helpful.

John
NZ

 

[KindGuardian]

I'm in a very similar situation as you Dodola. I'm younger though, but I've grown up with a less extreme version of your life with the same results. I've just now been able to forgive my dad. I surrendered to full time ministry a few years ago, I'll be going off to Bible College in a few months. I'm afraid that this attraction to the same sex will destroy my ministry. I'm like you, I'm tired and alone. I mess up one day, and do great the next, then mess up and feel like I have to start over. I'll develope an attraction towards male friends of mine, my friend! Ya so that's the pitts. I'm a Christian, so I'm not going to persue the relationship but you still want to be friends and they don't even know you're struggling... *sigh*. So I'm pretty much in understanding with you if not completely understanding. I obviously haven't conquered this spiritual wall, but I can tell you what has helped me. First and formost, TELL SOME ONE IN YOUR CHURCH. I'm 18, so I told my youth pastor. You as a minister, know that nothing in the world can make you more happy than serving God in your ministry, and that's what the people at your Church want to do. They want to serve God and help you. There must be some one you trust. Now, I'll have to admit, I delayed telling anyone about it for years and years and I had a girlfriends and, finally I was down to nothing and my heart was torn and God nudged me in my youth pastor's direction. You'll get a good reaction from them. Everything you're afraid will happen won't, you won't be looked at wierd, or treated differently. It helps out with the "alone" part. Yes, God is sufficient but it does feel good to have some one you can see who is made of flesh to confide in. That's the only help I can offer, that's the stage at right now *sigh* hehe, and keep fighting. Ya, u'll mess up, and you won't feel worthy, that's what Satain wants, but the worste thing you can do is give up.