Spouse or children first

[Dave-W]

She had asked me on our first date. If we had children and there was a tragedy were you could only save me or the children. Which one would you choose?

On a first date? Really?

It sounds to me like she had a litmus test that she wanted to administer as soon as possible.

Topics like this are very personal and should (MUST) be discussed, but only when a couple has reached a point in their relationship where marriage is being considered. Note I said "discussed," and NOT dictated. If there is a difference of opinion and priority that needs to be worked out. It sounds to me like she did not want to work on it; if you did not agree with her then goodbye.

According to her, I chose wrong.

Of course you did. I am assuming you never got to a second date?

 

[Dan61861]

Wow lol. What an odd first date question. To be clear though, the very first condition of my question here was that the children be physically safe. I would expect parents to lay their lives down for their children should it come to that. It's a moot point regarding this topic though

Yes, it is a moot point. It just reminded me of yesteryear...a time long gone.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[Dan61861]

On a first date? Really?

It sounds to me like she had a litmus test that she wanted to administer as soon as possible.

Topics like this are very personal and should (MUST) be discussed, but only when a couple has reached a point in their relationship where marriage is being considered. Note I said "discussed," and NOT dictated. If there is a difference of opinion and priority that needs to be worked out. It sounds to me like she did not want to work on it; if you did not agree with her then goodbye.

Of course you did. I am assuming you never got to a second date?

Actually, she called me for a second date. We dated around two months. The question was a bit surprising.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[Dan61861]

As for the question. There are times parents have to put the children first. Times you need to put one another first. Times one child needs more than the other children. It's a balancing act that mom and dad do as a team. Yet, my wife is the one I grow old with.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[AHH who-stole-my-name]

Both parents are adults and God doesn't need us. We need him, but before that we are set here on this Earth to procreate and that's what we do even though, at times we don't deserve the children we are given.

God gave us those children to Cherish, to protect and instruct in the ways God set down for us, so that generations after generations can know him, understand him and give him glory for what he has done.

As God protects us, we must protect those who through God's grace we have brought into this world. If we shirk that then we have done possibly the worse sin of all. That is neglecting a gift that will in many ways make us immortal as we are the one's who teach our children and pass on the lessons and the ideals that our parent passed on to us from their parents.

I have, so many times have heard parents proclaim that they have kids, but in all reality it is our kids who have us. We are the blanket that our children cloak themselves as God is our cloak and we exist n peace beneath that blanket. Our priorities should be our children because they are the weakest amongst us. Did not Jesus himself proclaim that what we do to the least of these, we do to him. How can we even hope God will provide a blanket protection around us if we neglect the provide a protective blanket around our children?

Our priories are very different from what we revere.

 

[AHH who-stole-my-name]

Interesting perspective. I never looked at it that we are set on Earth to procreate. I was always taught we are here to bring pleasure to God (of course we sometimes/oftentimes fail miserably).


Another thing I've never thought of. Maybe it's because I don't have children that I can't relate in the slightest to achieving immorality through your offspring.


This is making me think of helicopter parenting, but I know that's not what you mean. Too unhealthy lol.


I guess it was about time to hear from the children first perspective, but I tend to agree with the posters above that symptoms of a spouse first mindset are well cared for kids who have healthy boundaries and a sense of good priorities. I'm having trouble separating children first from helicopter parent in my mind.

Thank you for your input

We as Christian's are the ambassadors of Christ here on Earth and it is to God's glory that we live by. How we do that is the key, because those who are truly in need of us are those whose lives are in chaos and are searching around for something better.

This is our opportunity to shine as a Christian family and we do that by concentrating on the family. Both parents are the key to doing this, because it is our love for God that makes us seek out a mate that is wholly comparable with each other and they become our partner in life. Certainly we must love, cherish and honor that person, but the priorities must be on the child, since nothing speaks more loudly, to me about a dysfunctional family, than an out of control child.

Children will test you. They will push to the edge of the envelope to see if you are serious with your rulings and that is why you as a parent need to have a unified front and that can not be if parents work against each other. this is why it is so esentual for the parents to be on the same sheet of music and Christian parents are Christian before they are parents and have a loving, understanding relationship with God and with themselves before they are wed. By this and only this, they can work together to bring a child into this world and together love, cherish and nurture that child, in a warm loving home, to prepare that child for the life ahead of them in an unforgiving world.

 

[AHH who-stole-my-name]

But this is where you lose me. I'm not sure how to put up a unified front without putting the marriage ahead of parenting. Parenting is only a part of the equation. Like you said, kids will test you, so sometimes you've got to be prepared to show them things won't always go their way, and maybe even teach them that your life doesn't entirely revolve around them - that you value the time you spend with another human being more. If a relationship never has any problems, there won't be any issues, but I don't think anyone is trying to say that relationships don't take work. If a spouse feels unappreciated, ignored, lonely, sad, or dissatisfied in their marriage, the unified front is a facade, and the marriage needs work (perhaps counselling rather than throwing the kids a party as one poster suggested; maybe even just grown up quality time without talking about kids).

I'm not an idealist, so I'm not assuming a majority or even a significant number of married parents have their lives right with God before undertaking the responsibility of parenthood. I don't even want to get into thinking about parents who become Christians after marriage or children x.x But the point is we don't stop growing in our relationship with our spouse. It doesn't get to stop just because we have a child to look after. There will be frustration, tension, and probably anger at times. Putting the marriage first so that you and your spouse have someone to lean on seems very important to me.

So I know I'm misunderstanding you, and I would like a little clarication on the points where you see me misunderstanding. I do see that you think the marriage is important; I think I'm just not understanding how a marriage properly functions when the hard times come up if the children are more important (still keeping with our rules that the children are physically safe with their physical and emotional needs being provided).

I know a couple who put their children before their marriage. They are on the brink of divorce and miserable. They're trying to make it work for their 10 year old daughter, but it's not going well. In the process, the daughter has become a bit of a spoiled brat (mommy and daddy do everything she wants). I can't help but feel that focusing on each other's needs while the child was growing up would have prevented the situation.

I don't think I've lost you. I think we are talking past eachoth. lol Won't be the first time. You are simply concentrating on what has to be done previously in order for what I say to be achieved. I am sorry for the way I see things. I tend to just to the end of any process that I look at. You take things one step at a time and that is good, but it's not the way I think.

I never intended on the idea of overwhelming them with their parents attention. More to guide them and this includes doing for them when a parent feels the need and not doing for them when they feel differently.

A good relationship with your spouse is essential to any home, but their needs to be a common goal to reach for and to me, that is kids. Kids to me come first and foremost. Maybe I have taken this topic to mean something that I wasn't aware of. It wouldn't be the first time and I would appreciate anyone's input in this, because I really don't want to post foolishness here.

 

[Mrs Awesome]

I whole-heartedly agree with Navari when she said, "God > Spouse > Children".

Love your children, raise them right, but never neglect your spouse. This person is your partner, your teammate, and God designed the special bond and forces of marriage to be holy and distinctly different and ultimately more important than that of being a parent.

Part of the reason why so many marriages fail today are because people (especially women, sorry ladies) put children up on this mighty pedestal. They are obsessed with parenting and practically worship it. Because of this, their spouse suffers, the relationship suffers, and things unravel. This is not in accordance with God's plan.

Be a strong parent, but be a stronger spouse. This is the recipe for a healthy marriage and ultimately for raising your children right.

 

[LinkH]

This reminds me of a girl a long time ago.

She had asked me on our first date. If we had children and there was a tragedy were you could only save me or the children. Which one would you choose? I reasoned within my mind, who would I want saved if it was a choice between me and the children. According to her, I chose wrong.

How did you answer?

A lot of guys would go with a non-serious response, since the question is so intense and personal.

Here's a possible answer,
"I'd imagine you'd love your child and be willing to die to save him or her. And if I saved you instead of the child, you might blame me for the rest of your life, and we've already lived this many years. So I think I'd rescue the child."

Or you can go heroic, and say, "I'd figure out a where I could die and both of you could live. You can both have the life raft. I'll try to swim and take my chances with the shark."

The question is hard to answer, because you are talking a child that doesn't exist yet, so you don't know how you are going to feel about that, and if you haven't known your date for long, and don't have feelings for her, how is that going to effect you? Based on an ethical perspective, on the one hand, the husband should be willing to lay down his wife for his wife. But working together as parents, either of you may be willing to die for one of your kids.

 

[LinkH]

As far as desires go, I put my wife before the kids. Kids don't always get what they want, or they'd be eating candy, ice cream, and other junk food and playing all the time. I can't think of too many scenarios where one would have to put their children before their spouse unless one was trying to hurt the other.

 

[twob4me]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~MOD HAT ON!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay ENOUGH!!!! This thread has gone through a major clean up of almost 3 pages worth of back and forth Flaming/Goading. You all have been here long enough to know the rules so this should not have happened.

Let's look at the Flaming and Goading rules (which can be found within the Board Rules

Flaming and Goading
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As you can see it clearly states that you are to treat ALL members with respect and courtesy through CIVIL dialogue. Cleaning up the thread I didn't see anyone being civil. The rules also state that you are to address the content of the post NOT the poster personally. All those involved took this thread way Off Topic (OT) and took this thread into a Flame fest.

If you feel a post is in violation report it and DO NOT reply to it. Replying in kind is also a violation in that you yourself are Flaming/Goading and that is what took place here. Now the thread may go through a further cleaning if staff deems it needs more but from this Mod Hat forward you all need to be mindful of the rules when posting. If you continue to post like you were this thread can and will be closed permanently and those involved may find themselves with staff actions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~MOD HAT OFF!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[FreeinChrist]

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