Spiritually Stuck, Weary, And Facing The Wrong Way

[HannahElizaW]

My mind couldn’t be better described, at the moment, than a ball of yarn with both ends tucked somewhere inside…the mess is never ending.

Scrupulosity – (adj); a psychological disorder characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning.​

“What’s the problem, this time?”
I can’t get the words out without jumbling everything up so I hope my categorization on this makes everything better because I have no clue what else to do that would make this easier for you to understand other than…well...jumbling everything else up together. So to the brink of it; the following:

Thoughts.
We all have them, don’t get me wrong, good and bad but sometimes the bad can outweigh the good but with little the good has seems dominant to the bad other than supposedly in a storm where the ba- well I’m getting way off topic let’s just continue.
I have icky, terrible, vile, horrendous, appalling, negative, stressful, and vain thoughts on a day to day basis. It’s even lead me to believe that my mind, heart, and soul is literally split in two, but before you stamp this part with “Spirit vs. Flesh” let me add another point on this subject: I don’t think I’m saved. Key Word: Think. Meaning; think about this thoroughly because some doubts can waiver and in restoration I’ve had handfuls of people who meet me believing I was saved and after I told them a little about myself, they thought otherwise. Knowing no one on this earth can truly tell if I’m saved or not other than Him, to make it a tad easier for clarity, I’ll just share every degree of myself and struggles in order for some people to understand without losing themselves in faulty short details.

“You’re overthinking it.”
As loving and compassionate as I honestly try to be, please never ever ever ever ever ever tell me that. It’s self-defeating and automatically to me just says: “You’ve tried too hard” when in reality, I’ve hardly started. No. I don’t think I am. Yes. I probably am. But P L E A S E don’t tell me that. Please, for me, just don’t say that. Don’t write that. I bring every ounce of struggle I have for some advice when all I get in return is those few words. Ouch? Yeah. And yes I have OCD and yes I take meds and no, don’t “sweep all this under the rug” for that very reason because concerns over where are soul goes for eternity whether “to burn or not to burn” is much more serious than a metaphoric expression.

Thoughts (Continued).
What exactly runs through my mind is subject to what exactly are or is the discussion about. But I’ll repeat myself again by saying every thought when it comes to Christianity has good marks and terrible marks.
(*) “Do you want to follow Jesus?” A: “Yes.” “No, Gah. Why?!”
“Do you want to read the Bible?” A: “Not really…pass” “Yes.”
“Do you want to be saved?” A: “Sure” “To heck with you. No. I don’t need that.”
There are moments where this very division (*) makes me worried on WHO or WHAT side I actually am. Am I the negative or the positive? Are the negative thoughts who I really am? Do I really not wanna be saved? With this division alone how on earth can I come to God with such a torn division like this on a regular basis. Those types of reactions alone are hardly the start of it. Oh my mind will absorb any hint of joy or goodness or well-Christian…ness and turn it into ICK.
I used to look up “signs of saving faith” and the results would calm me down and relax but since my illness has coiled over the things I used to benefit from are now petrifying and almost worthless. I used to be convinced that God was drawing me. And if it seems absurd to you now, please know that it’s not to me…and He isn’t…to me. I don’t think God’s drawing me which, that being said, is more than likely the heart of this whole struggle. God isn’t drawing me….I probably should’ve named this thread that.

Fears, Worries, and Concerns: All In The Pot Known As ‘Anxiety’.
This probably would have been a better place to bring the “overthinking” into discussion, to be honest.
My biggest fear that I’ve choked down several times is that; maybe God doesn’t want to save everyone and by that includes me. I’m scared and try not to pray things like “Make me who You want me to be” because with what little impulse or feeling towards Christianity, I’m scared that He’ll ultimately strip away from me and I’ll live forever in sin (thanks Calvinists).
Besides ChristianForums(.)com, I also am in touch with Forums.Carm(.)org, GroundWire(.)net and 21-gw(.)com and recently had an “episode” where I started to believe that I was not meant to be saved which could have possibly be the reason God doesn’t seem to be answering my prayers because He’s waiting for me to move on from that. “Is that what you think God does?” yeah yeah, I know I know, hush.

“You need to slow down and just have some fun.”
No. No. No? No. No! No. No. …No. I don’t-…No. No. I can’-….No. Nu-uh. No. Nope! Nada! No.
I’m currently under total reconstruction…what I thought or believed was “fun” was just downright sin. Keeping my eyes off God? No…that’s what I used to do as “fun”. Listen to some music? Nope! All I used to listen to was Heavy Metal and Rap music that contained dirty words and “Oh My G-“ once a few too many times. And yes that’s what I considered “fun”. Sit back and watch a movie? Hah! As of right now, with struggles in the “fun zone” for a while I’ve been watching just these videos on youtube but now it’s a pain when every other line is “G*d*mn*t!” and “Oh my f*****g G-“ and though the videos can be pretty humorous from time to time the taking the Lord’s name in vain is the main 100% struggle and how I can’t seem to just cut myself away from it. “You need to slow down and just have some fun.”? …no…my definition of fun needs to be altered first.

“Do you listen to Christian music?”
Yes. I listen to Christian music and KLOVE…a lot.

“Do you read the Bible?”
Yes. Daily?...erm…no probably once every other day…sometimes consistent sometimes not.

“How often do you pray?”
Daily. Morning and night. How about a reference to my prayer life from this post (http://www.christianforums.com/t7866870/) by any chance? I pray, nonetheless, and I pray a lot. But what one of the replies I received from a coach on GroundWire threw me off guard

“ Hannah, the very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. “​

Is…is that true? I pray(-ed) for faith, conviction, guidance, a new heart, repentance, honesty, the desire to not desire sinful things, the desire to serve God over and over again. Is that insane? Is that insanity? Am I just pulling my own strings here? Am I taking her statement out of context with that? On that subject alone what should I do?

If you’re curious on how I pray, it’s simply this:
“Dear Heavenly Father, Lord I come to You in the Name of Lord Jesus Christ, and ask You to forgive me of my sins,
(Insert thanks)
(insert praise)
(insert what I am in need of)
(Insert verse in regards to what I’m asking of)
And I say in Your Name and in Jesus’s Name…Amen.”

Wholeheartedness.
I, for one, have always had that “something’s missing” feeling and more importantly…in my heart. Now that I’m almost sure that that “missing thing” is Jesus, no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to fill the void. I never can get that “something’s not right” feeling to go away. When I pray for forgiveness or praise the “something’s not right” feeling clicks in because I never feel like I mean it so I tend to add “I’m thankful whether I feel like it or not” on the end of a lot of my praises. And when I as for forgiveness I sense myself mentally shaking my head as well as Him shaking His because I never ever ever ever ever can seem to feel guilty or actually sorry for my sins. Which just leads back to me asking for conviction. I dislike how I have this desire to sin...I want to sin….it stinks I know…I wish He would take away the “well I’m not sorry since I still want to do it (sin) again” like DANGIT!!! WHY CAN’T I LOATHE SIN LIKE OTHERS?! AND I KNOW IT’S WRONG TO COMPARE MYSELF TO OTHER CHRISTIANS BUT WHY CAN’T I?! WHY CAN’T I FIRMLY SAY NO TO SIN AND JUST CEASE THE LONGING FOR IT OR DESIRE TO?! Why on earth do I have to make posts and posts and posts about sins and sinning and….all that jazz. Yes…I know…for a fact that all Christians will go through temptation or “miss their mark” from time to time but before you reinstate that “Paul went through the same struggle” and quote the verse that has him saying “I do what I don’t want to do” and so forth; please know that I don’t think that applies to me either.

…

When I pray…I never feel wholehearted…like I can lay what’s on my mind out to Him and I’ll still feel like something’s wrong. I’ll fall into temptation and sin and in the midst of turning to Him become depressed of why He would even bother with someone like me? I pray for faith…and I pray for conviction…and I pray for “godly sorrow”…and I pray for the desire to serve Him…but when I’m done…I sigh…not of relief…but because I just know, with that feeling, that I must not have done something right, and out of the many many many extremely similar and identical prayers I’ve prayed….there’s a possible chance that maybe that coach was right…and what I’m doing is just insanity.


Following Jesus; Who Am I or Who I Am?
I always tend to have Psalms 51:10 on my mind. Like it’s my go to prayer. It was once my signature on many sites. And now I have it in my bios on the majority of my social media accounts so whenever I log on, it’s a trigger or some little reminder.
Concerning Jesus…I feel like I’ve turned my back on Him. Like there’s no point in me turning to Him with the mess I’m in. I don’t feel sorry, I don’t have much conviction, I don’t seem to have faith, I’m pretty useless, for some odd reason I can’t seem to fear Heck(…which worries me from time to time on why I can’t….), my mind constantly wonders and my heart doesn’t seem to grasp much when I read His Word, I don’t have much experience with God, and I don’t think I’m saved…so why would I even bother trying to concern myself with Him? I feel so pointless at times…like is the {“Do you want to be saved?” A: “Yes.” “Heck no!”} really who I am…with all the heap of negativity? I have this lack of…feeling on fire for Him and the majority of the time I have lazy emotions like the whole bundle of fundamentals with Christianity, life after death….I just…don’t feel like I seem to care…I am so worn out that this all has what it’s come to. I pray daily, yes, but I always feel like it’s a one-sided conversation.


The Ball Of Yarn Tied Like A Gift With A Bow.
Now that I’ve officially brought myself down with this, is there…any…advice or piece of hope or testimony someone could give that could help me? Any means whatsoever that could potentially help me through this extensive period of weariness will be much gratifying to me in abundance. More than likely I’ll be editing more things into this thread, but likewise, either way, thanks for reading…

 

[BFine]

You could very well be my daughter in-law who struggles with mental illness.

Bearing one another's burdens...
You know how hard it is for you to try to "deal"-- trust me, it was equally
hard to "deal" with the problems "our" daughter in-law caused when she suddenly
"takes off", we rolled up our sleeves and did whatever was needed, whenever we
were called upon and trust me, we went the distance with them...even when they
were homeless or she was going through "dark days" when nothing made sense to
her--we didn't abandon ship!


It was a long in coming but...
We enjoyed a very lovely Christmas(2014) with them in our home, they were here all
day and it was amazing! It's the first time we've had Christmas with her without
any problems and I've been a part of the family for 12 years.

God doesn't leave us alone, even though it may seem or feel like it...He is there.
When things don't make sense, when our lives or thoughts are all jumbled up,
prayers seem to be hitting the ceiling or when you can't pray--the holy spirit intercedes on
our behalf, even when it feels empty inside or our strivings seem pointless--He keeps us through those times...just like He kept Job during his "trials".

No matter how bad it got for my DIL, we served as reminders that God is faithful, she
wasn't deserted by us even when she was being very unloving when her
illness was the most prevalent...we prayed faithfully for all of us.

We all came through those dark years when we'd been stretched beyond anything
I thought possible...but God kept reminding me, that this trial wasn't forever and He'd
empower us to endure and we were to agape them even when we weren't invited to their home due to her illness messing with her mind.

Just so you know, my DIL is a minister's wife and mom to three children.
I hope this can encourage you, even if only a little bit.

 

[Rhamiel]

scrupulosity can be seen as a psychological problem, and there is no shame in seeking psychological help for psychological problems

another thing is, part of this is pride, too much focus on your sins
remember, Jesus is greater then your sins
He loves you and He has victory over sin and death
you wrote a lot, and I feel kinda guilty about giving you such a short reply, but I am very tired and not thinking straight
I will try to go more indepth after I had some sleep

God bless you my dear sister in Christ

 

[lyndseyb]

Hello Hannah,
I have religious OCD (Scrupulosity) and I recognise a lot of my own struggle in what you've written.
Some call OCD the 'doubting disease' and how true is that! I feel like I doubt everything. Like you, the biggest fear/doubt I carry is the doubt of my salvation.
I tried traditional counselling but it didn't help because I could never be reassured beyond doubt that I was saved. Only God can tell me that.
So how do I live on earth with that fear and doubt?

There's no easy answer to this but I like Rhamiel's answer. Focus less on your confused feelings and more on Jesus' love and forgiveness because he is greater than all our sins.
The more you try to suppress the 'ick' thoughts, the more they will come - I know this from my own experience. So focus less on what you can do and more on what Jesus has already done.
Have some positive bible scriptures to hand that you can speak out when you feel scared, such as these ones:
The Journey - 10 Biblical Proofs That God Will Never Leave You Or Forsake You!
And of course Romans 8:37 - 39, John 6:37.
Now if you're like me and have trouble believing that those scriptures apply to you than just look at 1 Timothy 1:16.
'But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.'
If there is forgiveness for the 'worst of sinners' than why not us?

Also, if you really believed some of the thoughts you're worry you might believe, I doubt you'd even be posting on here. But you did care enough to post this message so focus on that.

Finally, I just wanted to ask regarding your prayer life, do you ever just talk to God, like you would talk to a friend or a relative?
I often talk to God this way and I find it does help.

I'll pray for you to find peace.

 

[agamemnonoftroy]

Hannah,

I would like to be your friend and talk over your problems with you.

It seems to me you should try to do more things.

It does not matter what it is. Just simple tasks to concentrate on.

Try to concentrate and do it well.

It could be doing you homework for college.

It could be just tidying up your room, or doing some housework.

I think while you are concentrating on doing something it will calm you.

Concentrate and try to make a good jobs of it. And do it well.

Try it and tell me if it helps.

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[HannahElizaW]

another thing is, part of this is pride, too much focus on your sins

I..I know...I get told too often that I overthink...but in reality I believe I'm just simply undercorrecting myself. I wish I was more stable in controlling things about myself (your quote just proves itself even moreso now). Like if I could just get this down then maybe I could move on...I feel like I'm trying to stick a triangle in an oval hole...I just can't..get it! And I feel ridiculous; the Christian believers that I know are some of the best! You can feel Christ in them. My boss is a Christian and when I witnessed things disappearing from the shop (theft) I brought the subject up to her that maybe we should be calling police or security appliances and she simply smiled and shook her head. "Tsk, tsk. There's no need to steal......" and then she moves on as if it's no big deal. And it might sound absurd to you (because I'm bad at interpretting actual events taking place without over generalizing) but some people would be freaking out and she seemed so...calm. And other Christians seem like they can't get off their joy. Of course there are moments where they can be a bit grumpy coming in to school/work but...man....the things they do is just so admirable. And I don't think for an instant that I'm into that situation and when I try to pull off things like what they do I get the adaptation and thought hold that I'm just doing "good works for attention"....

 

[HannahElizaW]

I just wanted to ask regarding your prayer life, do you ever just talk to God, like you would talk to a friend or a relative?
I often talk to God this way and I find it does help.

When I was a kid...prayer was the scariest thing on the face of the earth. I went to a Baptist church and all they preached (i was 0-6 whilst attending this church) was sinners and Jesus/God/this Holy ghost thingymagig... I didn't understand it...but I did understand was that Jesus was the goodest of the good of all the babies, kids, and adults in the world and since we else are all so bad and mean God has to punish us and send us to a place where the fire place doesn't get put out except we accept Jesus.

That freaked me out...before I was "saved" last August, I could count the times I literally tried and prayed on the back of my hand (discluding my thumb and crippled pinky). Why would God listen to a bad kid like me? And of course I didn't know how to pray. Like...the Bible's we had were King James Version and I couldn't put together a prayer consisting of so many "Thee's" and "Thou's" if my life depended on it...

...After the time when I was "saved" one of the dozens of things I asked or questionned were pray...how to pray...what to do when you pray...what to say while praying...how should my hands be...am i only supposed to pray on my knees...could i pray while lying in bed....those kinds of things.

While praying...my heart seemed(or -s) to be like a yo-yo...I'd start calm and say "Dear Heavenly Father," and then BAM! just slinging out all that was on my mind cramming the need for faith, conviction, and a desire for true repentance all in under 60 seconds...and I still tend to do it...I borderline do that (talking to Him like a friend) and trying to glorify Him or keep Him holy in my prayer as best as possible.

 

[agamemnonoftroy]

Hannah,

Try to do more physical things.

Concentrate on what you do and make a good job of it.

Even if it is just washing up the dishes. Concentrate and do it well.

If you have some college work to do. Concentrate fully on it.

Try and do you college work well. And be proud of what you achieved.

Try it.

And tell me if it helps.

 

[HannahElizaW]

Hannah,

Try to do more physical things.

Concentrate on what you do and make a good job of it.

Even if it is just washing up the dishes. Concentrate and do it well.

If you have some college work to do. Concentrate fully on it.

Try and do you college work well. And be proud of what you achieved.

Try it.

And tell me if it helps.

As much as I wish it did...I'm kinda glad it doesn't. High School is a pain of course but when i focus on things like that I feel as if I'm just using it as an excuse to seperate myself from Him. Like "Oh I'm sorry i didn't pray or read the Bible...i was too busy doing..homework."

 

[lyndseyb]

When I was a kid...prayer was the scariest thing on the face of the earth. I went to a Baptist church and all they preached (i was 0-6 whilst attending this church) was sinners and Jesus/God/this Holy ghost thingymagig... I didn't understand it...but I did understand was that Jesus was the goodest of the good of all the babies, kids, and adults in the world and since we else are all so bad and mean God has to punish us and send us to a place where the fire place doesn't get put out except we accept Jesus.

That freaked me out...before I was "saved" last August, I could count the times I literally tried and prayed on the back of my hand (discluding my thumb and crippled pinky). Why would God listen to a bad kid like me? And of course I didn't know how to pray. Like...the Bible's we had were King James Version and I couldn't put together a prayer consisting of so many "Thee's" and "Thou's" if my life depended on it...

...After the time when I was "saved" one of the dozens of things I asked or questionned were pray...how to pray...what to do when you pray...what to say while praying...how should my hands be...am i only supposed to pray on my knees...could i pray while lying in bed....those kinds of things.

While praying...my heart seemed(or -s) to be like a yo-yo...I'd start calm and say "Dear Heavenly Father," and then BAM! just slinging out all that was on my mind cramming the need for faith, conviction, and a desire for true repentance all in under 60 seconds...and I still tend to do it...I borderline do that (talking to Him like a friend) and trying to glorify Him or keep Him holy in my prayer as best as possible.

Your struggle sound so similar to my own.
Praying on your knees is great but don't be afraid to just talk to God too.
I remember a time when I got hung up on praying 'perfectly' and it didn't work. In the end I sounded like I was reading from a script rather than speaking from my heart because I was so focused on saying everything perfectly.
These ladies at church told me that the heart behind my prayer is more important than how I say it. They told me to think of it as talking to my father. It feels much more sincere when I am talking to him rather than trying to recite something perfectly.
Try just telling him how you feel, without trying to time it or say what you think you're supposed to say and see if that makes a different to how you feel.

It comes down to trusting Jesus over your own mixed up feelings and I'm not underestimating how difficult it is because I have the same struggle but ultimately it is the only way to find freedom from the way you'e feeling.

 

[agamemnonoftroy]

As much as I wish it did...I'm kinda glad it doesn't. High School is a pain of course but when i focus on things like that I feel as if I'm just using it as an excuse to seperate myself from Him. Like "Oh I'm sorry i didn't pray or read the Bible...i was too busy doing..homework."

Hannah,

Being a Christian should make you a study harder.

Being a Christian should help you tidy your room better.

Being a Christian should help you wash up the dishes better.

You must do jobs. You must do them the very best you can.

You must concentrate absolutely 100% on the job.

Every job must be done well. Very well.

You must be proud of doing a good job.

Try it.

Tell me if it works.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Hannah,

I believe that your mental illness is the cause of your doubt. It is one of the symptoms of your illness.

You've gotten good advice of how to combat it.

I would add to know the promises of God well and combat those thoughts. Post it notes around your house or car with promises like

I will never leave you or forsake you

No one in heaven or on earth can remove them from My (Jesus) right hand when the Father has given them to me

God is just and righteous and will forgive us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness

God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son so that who so ever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Believe upon me and be saved

I am always with you

Know the promises of God. They are true! You can count on that, God cannot lie.

Also, I am a member of a mental health support group here http://www.christianforums.com/groups/555/ Feel free to join us. There are a few people with Scrupolocity (I know I spelled that wrong) in the group.

I will be praying for you.