This path I walk of heartache and sorrow is not simply a path leading me to witness to indigenous peoples. It is a spiritual path that coerces me to confront my own anger and animosity toward the white man for his numerous past atrocities against the American Indians. I tell my beloved that I have two souls - one of the Indian and the other of the white man - and the two are constantly battling against one another for my loyality. My heart is just as divided as my soul. Many times I have tried to "kill the Indian and save the man," and other times I have tried to kill the man and save the Indian. And other times, I have tried desperately to free myself from being a prisoner to this inner battle. This is a battle that I have been unable to flee. Right now, there is no inner peace in my heart or soul. I have been unable to reconcile the pain and sorrow I feel with who God created me to be. And I know that is why He has led me right back to this path. I am like Jonah and more times than I can count, I find myself in the belly of a big fish. And that is where I am spiritually now.
God has given me a burning consuming fire of compassion in my heart for all NDNs, their culture, their way of life, and for their eternal souls. But there have been many Christians who have tried to stomp that fire out, stomping all over my heart and spirit in the process. My will and desire to follow the path that God called me to has been stifled more than once since He first called me. And there have been times (more than I can count) when I was the one doing the stomping on the fire. But God in His faithfulness and usual gentleness has led me back to this path, and I, being drawn to its purpose, willingly followed. I could not resist His calling, although I knew I would have to face the heartache, the sorrow, the pain, the cruel criticism and heartless ridicule that comes along with it. But all of this is overshadowed by God's grace and faithfulness. And I do find comfort in knowing that I do not walk this path alone. I can see how the Lord has placed certain people on this path who have (knowingly or unknowingly) given me a hand up when I so desperately needed it. I know in time that I will be made whole and I will fulfill the calling of God on my life. I will preserve my NDN heritage and pass it along to my children and to my grandchildren. I will leave a Godly legacy for them to follow. But until then I will remain faithful to the Lord and to His calling.
Spirit Winds