Spanking - Question

[Verve]

I wasn't spanked apparently it's because of high pain tolerance in our family?

My father instead thought scaring me into thinking I was going to be hit with a belt to keep me in line was good enough. I don't recommend this because it made me afraid of telling the truth when things were honest mistakes. That has been a major struggle into adulthood. I used to be terrified that people will hate me or hurt me for the smallest slip-ups.

My mom tried the whole, no-tv...no games, go to your room route.
Oddly enough this didn't work on me either. Telling an introvert child to go to their room and the only entertainment available is books? It's like saying "Go on vacation! You don't have to deal with anyone today!"

I guess it takes different methods for every child. For me it was always logic. My mom discovered that I had a reason or explanation for everything that happened. Once she figured that out it was less "punishment" and more "okay, here's how this works and why we don't do/say that"...

Sometimes I think people forget that children are little people and not just some generic product with one way to do everything for every child.

 

[Hetta]

then I noticed he'd hit other people he percieved were being bad.

Exactly. It's just setting the kid up to "punish" others the same way he was punished.

 

[Hetta]

The Bible does NOT say you must spank your child. It says to use "the rod". The rod can be anything you want it to be. So long as you adopt a consequence, and you use it (don't just threaten and then don't use the consequence), the child will learn.

Each of my children is very different, but for each one, we found ways to correct them or give them consequences which worked. The way it doesn't work is if you keep 'begging' your child not to do something, and vaguely threatening them, because that doesn't work. On Sunday, in church, there were two children misbehaving. Their grandma kept leaning down and saying "stop it now". She never once took action. For instance, I would have put one child on either side of me so that they couldn't roll all over the aisle together. I would have taken from the little girl the chapstick that she was using to "draw on" her brother. I would have told her that unless she stopped drawing on her brother, she would lose the chapstick and not get it back. She seemed pretty possessive of that thing, so I figure that would be enough of a threat. But separating those kids was the smartest thing she could do and/or giving them serious consequences - and following through. That's what we did with our kids, particularly as we attended church with family members when they were little. We always went child/adult/child/adult etc. If anyone did misbehave, they were told they would be in time out when we got home, and they knew we would follow through, because we always did. The last thing they wanted, on the last day of their weekend, when we usually would have a get-together with family after church, was to sit in their room, isolated.

Of course, there were other times that they misbehaved - and we punished with time outs, or they lost privileges to a game, or they didn't attend an event (if it was really serious). These days, now they are so much older, we talk to them - and I think that may be the worst punishment of all, LOL. Talk talk talk .. ROFLOL. I can see their eyes glazing over.

I do have great behaved kids. They have never been in trouble with the law, or at school, and this is all without any need for physical punishment.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So yes, spanking can be abused BUT when that youngin' pushes their face at you as if to say "NO! And what you gonna do about it" it's woosey parenting to not spank them and put them in their place. He'll actually feel safer and warmer that you care enough to show him his place.

See, we thought that too... But then we did it with our son and it just didn't work. It really didn't. He was brokenhearted, and I've seen kids get spanked and I've seen the reaction, his was different, he was genuinely brokenhearted and completely inconsolable for up to 20 minutes, skiddish to come near us while saying he wanted to "fix it" (means give hugs and cuddles)... And these weren't spanks that even left a red mark, or had any sort of sting, just little swats that made a "pop" noise against his diaper. He certainly didn't feel warmer or safer, it was the opposite. It just didn't work for our son at all.

But when he says no, and we put him in time out, that works like a miracle. He goes in, calms down, comes out, hears what he did wrong, "fixes it," then it's all forgotten and he's off to play. And I know he learns from it because he will send toys that have done something "wrong" while playing to timeout.

So I get that it works for some people, but it doesn't work for everybody. I was prepared to do it for our kiddos, but honestly, it wasn't discipline that worked for him and it carried far more negatives then positives. And in the end, I think it works out better. I'd rather the punishment be that he's afraid of being removed from us or a situation he's in but enjoying, as opposed to being afraid of us, because that was what was happening.

If that makes me a "woosey" parent, then fine. Even in public, I'd rather be that parent who takes a ill-behaved child aside or out of the store or whatever we're doing, knowing that's what works for him to fix the problem, then be the parent who spanks their child and creates a brokenhearted little boy who's uncontrollably crying... And if there's anything I know, I know hysterical crying doesn't calm my nerves or calm him or lessen the tension of what was already a not good situation (hence the spanking). For us, it added more pandemonium to chaos.

Now again, I understand that it works for some and that's fine. It worked for me and my brother, but it doesn't work for all kids. But it doesn't work for all kids and I think it's kind of unfair to ask for that reservation of judgement about spaking under the assumption it works, but then label all parents who don't do it as wusses. It just doesn't work for all kids. Even my parents, who spanked us, said that our son isn't one who'd learn anything about what he did wrong from a swat, only well on the fact that he got one. Even the 5-year-old, who gets spanks and slaps from mom and formally from Dad does light-years, and I mean light-years, better with a "calm bottle" and a timeout then a spank.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

I was spanked and my parents never took it too far. It was mostly my mom administering spankings. She was very disciplined about it. She used an old sandal with a leather sole. When we did something wrong she'd say "go get the shoe" and we knew we were in trouble, lol. She always took time to calm herself if she was really angry. She always told us what exactly we were being spanked for and it was almost always something that we knew beforehand was a spanking offense. Spanking offenses were things like deliberate disobedience or throwing temper tantrums. And after the spanking there was always more talk and hugs given.

I remember fighting like a wildcat a few times when getting a spanking. Looking back it makes me laugh. And then I'd go in the bathroom and look at my bum and hope there were bruises so I could make my mom feel bad. There never were.

We never spank my stepson but I honestly think there have been a few times that a spanking would have been the best route for him. Sometimes, I believe, a little bit of physical pain can teach where words would be lost on the child.

Like others have said, I think each child is unique and responds to various forms of discipline/punishment differently. Parents need to know their children and know what works. Like, some kids can be traumatized by being isolated or excluded more than they would be by a spanking.

I think the important part of any form of discipline is consistency.

 

[He Saved Me]

I was spanked, but it never went too far. Honestly, I can only remember getting spanked one time from my Grandmother because I took a ride from a stranger (I was going to a friends house. Her cousin or someone picked us up from school and gave us a ride to her house). She used one of those old, floppy, foam houseshoes. My feelings were hurt more than anything. I do know I got spanked when I was a toddler because my family spanks. I guess I just learned early to be good. LOL.

The same rings true for my son. I disciplined him enough when he was small (2-4) that the thought of a spanking gets him in line. I have spanked him for major things (opening the door when someone rang the doorbell, etc), but I have never taken it too far. He gets 3 or 4 swats, clothes on, that's it.

 

[iambren]

"Telling an introvert child to go to their room and the only entertainment available is books? It's like saying "Go on vacation! You don't have to deal with anyone today!" LOL!

I laughed at this because it's SO true. My boys are 13 and 14. Oldest is introvert, youngest is extrovert. To ground the eldest to stay home would be a joke but murder for my Lukie!

Spanking is for the younger formative years. Earlier I said it was mainly for respect issues or being disrespectful to their mother. I got that idea from James Dobson years ago. I hate it when I see kids knocked about for any/every reason--defeating their spirit. Brings out the rescuer in me.

Interestingly, my most personally witnessed neglect involved glasses that made me hold my tongue. A woman brought her 12-yr old daughter in for an eye exam. With some effort I finally arrived at an Rx to fix her 20/200 vision (she had no glasses at the time). I turned to the mother and said "She needs quite a high prescription". Mother--"Well, we got her glasses 2 years ago and she lost them so we said we aren't getting another set". I thought--"Great, condemn your kid for 2 years in school, homework(she had high farsightedness), and viewing life 20/200". Ground her, take privileges away, but be a proper parent!!!

 

[Avniel]

Exactly. It's just setting the kid up to "punish" others the same way he was punished.

You have reminded me of one of my younger cousins. She and her mother were staying with my parents. Well apperently I had some breath issues that day. So I'm laying in my bed talking to my wife then my girlfriend. In comes the funniest 4 year old and I asked her why she came in without knocking. She then informed me my breath stunk, I told my wife she was told me my cousin just playing. So me being the big kid I am I told her that her breath smelled like old chicken nuggets and when she talked I would turn my head. So finally she got fed up and raised an open hand at me and her eyes open wide and said "say it again" I informed my wife and she said "say it again she just playing. She was not and I said it again and she slapped me accross my face. Lol I still get tickled by it....but when I think of it now that was a parental say it again, and that slap was my punishment for my rude behavior because her breath didn't stink while I thought she was playing she wasn't. It didn't alarm me because that's my favorite little cousin because she mischievous and has a big personality.

You know I think there is another side to you point you have made. I see it so many times in my community. There are men and women that don't understand please stop, all they understand is violence. I see it all the time on one side you have a rough guy probably did some jail time and isn't trying to go back to jail. I have heard grown men beg someone to please just stop and they won't stop until someone hits them. It's a big issue in my community it's almost like some people really don't respect you till you give them a whooping. I believe it comes from spankings, it's not knowing your limits until you punch him in the face. It's annoying we call it "testing."

 

[ValleyGal]

iambren, in Canada, that is considered child abuse/neglect (the story about the glasses). It is a child protection issue when a child's medical needs are not met. Visual correction is a medical need. In Canada, we also have mandatory reporting. If you lived here, you would be obligated by law to report the mom to authorities. And of course that can cause issues because a lot of people can't afford to buy their children new glasses every few months when they are broken or lost. Still, we have programs to help parents meet those needs.

 

[McScribe]

When I was spanked it was always done in anger and in cruel judgement, and was done for things that were mistakes or misunderstandings as well as for disobedience.

 

[Hetta]

Interestingly, my most personally witnessed neglect involved glasses that made me hold my tongue. A woman brought her 12-yr old daughter in for an eye exam. With some effort I finally arrived at an Rx to fix her 20/200 vision (she had no glasses at the time). I turned to the mother and said "She needs quite a high prescription". Mother--"Well, we got her glasses 2 years ago and she lost them so we said we aren't getting another set". I thought--"Great, condemn your kid for 2 years in school, homework(she had high farsightedness), and viewing life 20/200". Ground her, take privileges away, but be a proper parent!!!

That is so stupid and defeating. Poor kid.

iambren, in Canada, that is considered child abuse/neglect (the story about the glasses). It is a child protection issue when a child's medical needs are not met. Visual correction is a medical need. In Canada, we also have mandatory reporting. If you lived here, you would be obligated by law to report the mom to authorities.

And so it should be!

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

Growing up, it was my mom who disciplined me, and my dad who disciplined my brother (with spanking anyway). My mom doesn't have a violent bone in her body, so she was never too harsh or abusive with me. My dad on the other hand, had a vicious and unpredictable temper, and while I don't recall witnessing it, I wouldn't be surprised if my brother got a much more vicious "discipline" than myself when spanked.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

I agree conceptually.

I'm just curious, on a pragmatic level, how many of those who experienced spankings can say their parents never lost it and went too far?

I'm not asking children - who would probably have difficulty being objective about it - but rather adults. When you look back on it - what's your feeling about it?

For example - I remember my mom using the belt and on more than one occasion apparently losing it so bad that afterward she'd be in the bathroom with me dabbing the welts with hydrogen-peroxide, crying and apologizing for what had happened. Objectively speaking - I can say I think she went too far as an adult.

Thing is - most other adults I've talked to about it can remember similar types of situations in their lives. So - I've come to the conclusion it's not exactly unique, exceptional or extraordinary. I'm curious then about other people's perspectives beyond my own social circle

You seem reluctant to think that there is ANYONE out there who was spanked but not abused. Well, I'm one of them. I got spanked plenty, but it was never "too far".

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

My husband gives our kids a talking to. These talks can go for hours (it's more of a cross examination). There's no yelling involved just questioning and answering. My son has actually asked him before if he would just go ahead and spank him and get it over with rather than be subjected to these talks. Apparently this has been a method he's used for some time because his 25 year old daughter, my step-daughter still has fears of those talks. She said that there were several times when she was going to do something that would possibly get her into trouble and then thought about how long she'd have to be talking to her dad about why she did it and why she thought it would be a good idea... ad infinitum, and she decided against doing it. For me, all I have to do is threaten to get their dad to talk to them and they straiten right up. My daughter will be all big eyed and frightened looking and pleading, "Oh no! Not that! Any thing but that... Please... I'll be perfect the rest of the day!"

That is genius lol. There's no yelling, no violence, no pain, AND the kids are made to listen and think. I wish I had the patience to do this with my own son.

 

[DZoolander]

You seem reluctant to think that there is ANYONE out there who was spanked but not abused. Well, I'm one of them. I got spanked plenty, but it was never "too far".

that's why I asked

 

[illudium_phosdex]

That is genius lol. There's no yelling, no violence, no pain, AND the kids are made to listen and think. I wish I had the patience to do this with my own son.

Heh, yeah. I don't have the patience either. My method of choice is taking away privileges. I've tried my husband's method but the kids are smart and sometimes their answers seem like such good answers that I get all flummoxed and then they just end up laughing at me. My husband, on the other hand is all like, "No, let's think about the logic in that statement...." My kids are probably some of the few elementary school kids who know the terms non-sequitor, red herring or begging the question. LOL.

 

[Lilymay]

This one was a bit difficult for me to choose.. but I chose..

Yes - Was Spanked - Parents Did Take It Too Far At Least Once.

I can say I was spanked and it was done in a very controlled way. I had to take them the paddle, voluntarily lay across their lap and receive the swats.. so in that respect they never took it too far. But then I had to sit there and watch them carve my name in the paddle every time I got spanked.. humiliation, make sure I remember, I don't know why? But that sticks with me more than the spanking itself.

But I chose the took too far for the other punishments. Getting backhanded across because I was crying.. ya know the "here I will give you something to cry about" punishments. Those, in my opinion, were uncalled for, so went to far in the punishments.

 

[Hetta]

Lilymay, I hate that idea of backhanders the most - that is not controlled. A Christian lady I know once said that she popped her child in the mouth "for crying". I was like ...

 

[morethanenough06]

I think we`re simply in a different era now. When I was a child, spanking was the norm. I got spanked frequently, more than my siblings I`m sure... not sure if it did any good though I figured I`d spank my kids too. But honestly, I rarely have used that method of discipline; there are far more effective methods than spanking. I typically spank when they`re at that crazy, illogical age, around 2 and 3, when a quick pat on the butt seems more effective than trying to get a squirmy toddler to sit in time out! The biggest rule I had for myself was never to spank when I was mad. I have a quick temper and I don`t want to go too far. It`s a good rule to follow! But I remember the many welts I had on my butt as a kids and don`t think I`ve ever once spanked my kids anywhere near that hard. My kids were just talking about being spanked the other day and were laughing at how soft my spankings were, didn`t even hurt, lol... no wonder that method never worked!! I think we get wiser with age as parents and learn what works for what child. The key to remember is that discipline is guidance. Some children are more stubborn than others and need discipline that hurts more (not necessarily physically), but you want something that turns them away from what they`re doing. If you can think like them and find something that works for them, then you`ll be effective.