Spanking - Question

[DZoolander]

My wife and I have been discussing the issue of spanking.

Now - it's all well and good for people to make decisions about how they'll "never take it too far" - but I wonder about that.

Most people in my age group probably grew up with getting spanked. It's my contention that once you let that door open - it's hard to control it. Like - my parents - objectively speaking on more than one occasion lost it and went too far.

I'm not holding it against them - I'm simply stating it matter of fact. Additionally - every other person I've talked to about it who was spanked had similar stories about how their parents "lost it" and went too far at least once.

So - I'm conducting a poll. If you were spanked - what was your experience?

 

[Hetta]

I was spanked - I didn't spank my kids.

With all of the ingenuity we humans have, it's a shame if we can't take the time and energy to find a more civilized way to correct and redirect our children than hitting them. It can be done.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree.

I mean - my stance on spanking has always been "I'll reserve it for crises - where she might be doing something potentially harmful" - but given how I can't seem to find a single person that was just "mildly" spanked (where spanking was introduced) - I'm now even reconsidering that.

But - I'm really curious - does such a thing exist? Are there people who were spanked - where their parents never lost it?

 

[ValleyGal]

I was spanked, and my parents took it too far sometimes. I did not want to use spanking as a result, so I learned more effective ways to discipline. I used natural and logical consequences with my son, as well as "teaching" (I used moments of disobedience to teach a social, moral or spiritual lesson). I reserved spanking for deliberate defiance, and only as a last resort. I think I only spanked him three times in his entire life - open hand, over the clothes, one swat.

There is a very long thread in the parenting forum on spanking. I read it a while ago, and so much of it totally broke my heart...reading how people spank in anger, with weapons, and to humiliate or shame - and use the Bible to justify it.

 

[seeingeyes]

My wife and I have been discussing the issue of spanking.

Now - it's all well and good for people to make decisions about how they'll "never take it too far" - but I wonder about that.

Most people in my age group probably grew up with getting spanked. It's my contention that once you let that door open - it's hard to control it. Like - my parents - objectively speaking on more than one occasion lost it and went too far.

I'm not holding it against them - I'm simply stating it matter of fact. Additionally - every other person I've talked to about it who was spanked had similar stories about how their parents "lost it" and went too far at least once.

So - I'm conducting a poll. If you were spanked - what was your experience?

I was spanked. My folks didn't 'overdo' it. I spanked my own children, too, when necessary. Though I don't think that all kids 'require' spanking, nor that all parents should spank.

I don't think that 'spanking' leads to violent-out-of-control-rage anymore than having a glass of wine leads to being blackout-drunk.

Let's say your wife was accosted by some strange guy, and he ends up grabbing your her arm. You decide that the proper response in this situation is to deck the guy, so you punch him in the face and he lands on the ground. You and your wife live happily ever after.

Now some people might say that you should not have punched that guy, that you should have come up with a peaceful solution. That's a valid point that can be considered.

But what if someone told you that you shouldn't have punched the guy because "once you let that door open - it's hard to control it", and that you are likely to end up beating someone to death. That would only be a valid point if they had some reason to believe that you, personally, are constantly walking around struggling with not beating people to death.

There is a qualitative difference between using physical stopping power on some bloke who is bugging your wife and being so enraged that you don't even remember when he stopped breathing while you were beating him.

Likewise, there is a qualitative difference between swatting your kid on the butt because he was running for the street and savagely taking all your frustrations out on a helpless person.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I was spanked, my parents never overdid it. They didn't even do it in public. They'd drag us to the bathroom to do it and, let me tell you, the walk was worse then the swat.

I had always planned on spanking my kids, but now that I'm there... Well, I used it as punishment for like a month. It's not like it was a daily thing, but it happened for extreme errors in behavior. But I ended up feeling too guilty and just stopped. My son just was utterly brokenhearted, more then I've ever seen a kid get by a spanking, then I noticed he'd hit other people he percieved were being bad. We decided it just isn't good for him. He takes it way, way, way harder then I felt comfortable with, and he reacted the same way. Not saying this is all kids, but our son is quite the mockingbird, and takes any sort of anger from the people he loves so very hard... It just didn't work. So we decided to stop and I feel a lot better for it. It wasn't working for us, I identified as much, and we stopped.

So... Those who spank, sincerely, no judgement. As long as it doesn't wander to abuse or "too far," seriously, no judgement. But for our son, it wasn't the best choice. Timeout works for him SO much better. Doesn't mean spanking is bad persay, just that it wasn't working for us on a number of levels.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree conceptually.

I'm just curious, on a pragmatic level, how many of those who experienced spankings can say their parents never lost it and went too far?

I'm not asking children - who would probably have difficulty being objective about it - but rather adults. When you look back on it - what's your feeling about it?

For example - I remember my mom using the belt and on more than one occasion apparently losing it so bad that afterward she'd be in the bathroom with me dabbing the welts with hydrogen-peroxide, crying and apologizing for what had happened. Objectively speaking - I can say I think she went too far as an adult.

Thing is - most other adults I've talked to about it can remember similar types of situations in their lives. So - I've come to the conclusion it's not exactly unique, exceptional or extraordinary. I'm curious then about other people's perspectives beyond my own social circle

 

[LinkH]

I clicked on the wrong one, so take off one of those 'went to far' ones from the survey. Can you redo?

 

[DZoolander]

lol - I don't see an option for me to edit the results

 

[If Not For Grace]

Yes spanked as were all of my mates, but not frequently

 

[DZoolander]

"?"

pool was trolled?

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

What is your operational definition of "too far"?

 

[DZoolander]

My definition isn't really relevant - because that's my subjective opinion.

Like, as I said before in my own experience, I remember my mom going after me with a belt on more than one occasion. Later, I remember her taking me to the bathroom to dab the welts w/cotton balls and hydrogen peroxide, crying, telling me that she was sorry it happened.

In my eyes - that's too far. But I certainly can't make that the standard/make the statement that "this is what the definition is". You're an adult - use your subjective impression of whatever happened in your life. Did it ever go too far in your view?

 

[seeingeyes]

I agree conceptually.

I'm just curious, on a pragmatic level, how many of those who experienced spankings can say their parents never lost it and went too far?

I'm not asking children - who would probably have difficulty being objective about it - but rather adults. When you look back on it - what's your feeling about it?

For example - I remember my mom using the belt and on more than one occasion apparently losing it so bad that afterward she'd be in the bathroom with me dabbing the welts with hydrogen-peroxide and apologizing for what had happened. Objectively speaking - I can say I think she went too far as an adult.

Thing is - most other adults I've talked to about it can remember similar types of situations in their lives. So - I've come to the conclusion it's not exactly unique, exceptional or extraordinary. I'm curious then about other people's perspectives beyond my own social circle

What can I say? I never got welts.

My mother used to use a wooden spoon. She would pick it up, and ohhh that put the fear in us for sure. Then she would state exactly what action was deserving of a spanking and exactly how many swats we were gonna get. And then she did just what she said.

She never, ever spanked us when she was frustrated or angry. When we were particularly bad, she would get angry, send us off to our room, (now that I have kids of my own, I see that this time was for her, not for me and my sister, but the suspense felt like a punishment in and of itself), cool off, and then decide what to do about it.

My mother was horribly abused as a child herself, so I think that she was acutely aware of the line between punishing a child for a certain unacceptable behavior, and punishing a child for everything wrong that has ever happened, ever.

Spanking is just one more tool in the toolbox, and it should be picked up or set aside depending on any number of factors.

 

[DZoolander]

As I said - I agree. I'm not arguing for or against spanking, really, except insofar as wondering just how many others (and adults are the best to ask - because they have the entirety to look at - and can also judge as adults) who were spanked can say (as adults) that their parents didn't go too far.



so far including the mistaken vote - it seems to be about 50/50

 

[MessianicMommy]

My parents OFTEN took it too far. Too hard, too many, too often. Spoons, Spatulas, Belts, switches, ping-pong paddles, hairbrush and iirc a Flip-flop and a house shoe...

There were several times I almost left... I almost reported them. Almost.

We don't spank.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah, in my house it started with "go out and get a switch" - where we'd pick a branch off the tree or something. My brother was always a moron and would get the green fresh branches - while I'd get the old brown brittle ones. I could never get him to understand why his choice was bad...lol

From there it migrated to the belt...which continued up until I was big enough where one time I caught it and ripped it out of her hand - smacked her back with it once - and just told her plainly "not again."

That was the end of that.

It's weird though - because I don't really think about my parents as "abusive" - although that kind of nonsense happened. In my mind they were ill equipped to deal with certain types of emotions...and truth be known...I think their parents whaled on them. So that kind of set the bar.

 

[iambren]

I believe that spanking is NOT for wooseys. The bible generally endorses it and if properly done you really do wish that you were taking it instead of the kid. I spanked my two boys (now teens) with the belt on three occasions. Every time was when disrespect was involved and hated it! But believe out of love for the child you have to do the right thing and rise to the occasion. They now are 4.0 students and all-around good boys. Sometimes when something is the hard thing to do parenting, it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

I found the poll a bit limited. As a prerschooler ~3 I was spanked many times and hard--it was abusive. I had black/blue marks and my grandmother threatened to turn my parents in. So yes, spanking can be abused BUT when that youngin' pushes their face at you as if to say "NO! And what you gonna do about it" it's woosey parenting to not spank them and put them in their place. He'll actually feel safer and warmer that you care enough to show him his place.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

Both my parents spanked on various occasions. My mom used switches the majority of the time. I don't remember her ever taking it too far. It was pretty much three quick swats, done. My dad was another story entirely. He probably only spanked me a half dozen times altogether but what I remember is that every, and I mean every, time he didn't stop until HE was tired. There would be welts, bruises... all that stuff.

My best friend and I have commiserated a few times about our moms and dads and she said that her mom was the same as mine and her dad was the same as mine. We figured that it must be a rural Georgia thing.

My husband gives our kids a talking to. These talks can go for hours (it's more of a cross examination). There's no yelling involved just questioning and answering. My son has actually asked him before if he would just go ahead and spank him and get it over with rather than be subjected to these talks. Apparently this has been a method he's used for some time because his 25 year old daughter, my step-daughter still has fears of those talks. She said that there were several times when she was going to do something that would possibly get her into trouble and then thought about how long she'd have to be talking to her dad about why she did it and why she thought it would be a good idea... ad infinitum, and she decided against doing it. For me, all I have to do is threaten to get their dad to talk to them and they straiten right up. My daughter will be all big eyed and frightened looking and pleading, "Oh no! Not that! Any thing but that... Please... I'll be perfect the rest of the day!"

 

[Avniel]

I don't believe in spanking. I feel any time you hit a person is violence