Sorting It Out

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

One of the hardest things for me to understand is what sort of relationships we can have with the opposite sex when single, and how (if at all) should that change when we are married?

Let's say as a single person, you hang out along with the opposite sex. Just as friends. Nothing more. When you get married, should that change?

Are there things you feel you shouldn't share with the opposite sex unless married? I'm talking about things non-physical.

I am fine with hanging out with the opposite sex as friends so long as we are on the same page and know that there is nothing more there and there is no temptation. But if I was dating someone, I don't think that I would do this anymore. So, if that is true, is it wrong to try and even be friends with the opposite sex?

This is something I can never seem to figure out. How do I go about figuring out what is ok and not ok? I feel like I need to figure it out so that I know what I should/shouldn't "expect" from a guy in this when we date.

 

[Keri]

My ex was SUPER jealous if I even mentioned my old guy friends... he would only let me hang out with non threatening guys... guys that he thought were gay, too effeminate, or guys that had girlfriends.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

I think havin' relationships with the opposite gender is crucial to our overall development, and of course you can have friendships with guys that is only a friendship; happens all the time.

Things change when you become more involved with somebody who is more and more becoming your best friend, or this is how I've developed my relationships; it's not really about what you've been looking to share in the past with them, but really about the time that you're now sharing with them and making that person feel lost with you, and really only with you.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I've never had issues sorting that out.

I naturally tend to keep people at a distance. I have friends, both guys and girls, but I don't really let people get too close to me emotionally. If I manage to get a boyfriend, its because I let him get close; he's an exception. My relationship with other guys does not change, just my relationship with guy who manages to become my boyfriend.

 

[Windmill]

One of the hardest things for me to understand is what sort of relationships we can have with the opposite sex when single, and how (if at all) should that change when we are married?

Let's say as a single person, you hang out along with the opposite sex. Just as friends. Nothing more. When you get married, should that change?

Are there things you feel you shouldn't share with the opposite sex unless married? I'm talking about things non-physical.

I am fine with hanging out with the opposite sex as friends so long as we are on the same page and know that there is nothing more there and there is no temptation. But if I was dating someone, I don't think that I would do this anymore. So, if that is true, is it wrong to try and even be friends with the opposite sex?

This is something I can never seem to figure out. How do I go about figuring out what is ok and not ok? I feel like I need to figure it out so that I know what I should/shouldn't "expect" from a guy in this when we date.

*Shrug* I don't know, because I treat my same-sex friends the same as my opposite-sex friends.

My best friend in the past was my now-boyfriend, and our relationship was platonic for years. In that time, I shared most things with him, and never thought twice about his gender.

I think no one can really give you advice, because it really depends on the social situation where you live, and the group you move in. You shouldn't say, in principle, I should be able to talk about anything I would otherwise with the same sex, and do that with your opposite sex friends. Because if the situation is such that people around you don't like it... no sense in stirring, it won't get you anywhere.

But if your friends are such that they would be fine with it, let me tell you from experience, nothing bad will happen. Its best to start viewing people as individual entities, rather than a member of the opposite sex... that is only relevant if other people make it relevant. If they don't, like my friends don't, then it doesn't matter.

 

[Luther073082]

In all reaslitic circumstances it will be extremely odd to be hanging out with an opposite sex friend just the two of you when you are married.

As a group it may be different, spending the time with your spouse and that person, ok. But I would find it very odd to purposefully spend time just the two of you after marriage.

 

[Sunset2009]

If I'm committed to someone, I naturally draw away from any opposite-sex friends. Like, we're still friends and may hang out occassionally (not alone), but for me, if I was in a relationship or married to someone, and I was still hanging out with and talking with opposite sex friends a lot, it means (for me) that my boyfriend/husband doesn't have everything to offer, so I'm looking for it through other men. And this is different than with girlfriends, because men have different things they can offer than women do.

 

[white dove]

I think havin' relationships with the opposite gender is crucial to our overall development, and of course you can have friendships with guys that is only a friendship; happens all the time.

I agree. Things naturally progress as our relationships progress, too. So, if you're pretty good friends with a few guys, when you get into a relationship, you'll probably spend less time (probably not zero time, unless you weren't really good friends to begin with) with those same guy friends. As you get closer to your significant other, get more serious or what have you, the reliance on those guy friends might dwindle because you're naturally going to rely on your boyfriend/finace/spouse much more than "just" a guy friend. Ideally, he would be your go-to guy friend. I know people who are in marriages who still have a "best guy friend," but again... the time they have to talk with them is significantly less (because you don't always have time to hang out whenever/however anymore once you're married).

 

[stephanieamber]

I think that it's important to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex, but I think it's also important to maintain boundaries.

Of all of my guy friends, the one I admire the most is Bradley. He is the one that I am most likely to genuinely be attracted to, and we mesh SO WELL spiritually.. so we are both overly cautious. Once we were watching a movie with our friend Shane in like a basement area at camp, and when we went to finish it, shane bailed. Bradley and I spent less than a minute alone down there before we were like "...let's take this somewhere public." not because we were going to pounce on each other, but because we wanted our friendship to be something EVERYONE saw as appropriate. One night we stayed by the dock talking until three AM, after checking to make sure the camp was closed down for the evening.. and we didn't face each other or look at each other, and we were eight feet away from each other.. in case someone did stumble upon us, there would be NO QUESTION as to if anything had been going on.

I also don't pray with boys one-on-one. To me, prayer is an incredibly intimate and passionate thing and I don't want my feelings to be misguided or transferred to the wrong place. On the phone, my friend Elijah once prayed for me, and spoke really kind and generous words about me to the Lord and I struggled with taking the words as a friend.

People are really quick to assume "well if I'm not attracted to them, and they're not attracted to me" that everything is okay and boundaries (emotionally and spiritually) are irrelevant. but we are told to guard our hearts, and in my experience, when people stop maintaining boundaries, they are more likely to develop senseless crushes that happen because of CIRCUMSTANCE, not genuine attraction.

I'm alright with the idea that I might be really crazy about my feelings on 'propriety' in male-female friendships, but I have plenty of healthy relationships with some fantastic boys in my life and I attribute a lot of that to our caution.

 

[Thunder Peel]

It's times like this that not having any friends pays off. I don't have to worry about all this complicated stuff, leaving my mind free to ponder matters such as: would a car that runs on pudding be feasible?

 

[Riot Riot Riot]

It's times like this that not having any friends pays off. I don't have to worry about all this complicated stuff, leaving my mind free to ponder matters such as: would a car that runs on pudding be feasible?

I'm not alone in my strange thoughts!

 

[stephanieamber]

It's times like this that not having any friends pays off. I don't have to worry about all this complicated stuff, leaving my mind free to ponder matters such as: would a car that runs on pudding be feasible?

boo, austin. did you read teh message i sent you?

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Thanks for the thoughts. I want to make sure I keep boundaries.

I think as a single person, the rules then are different? I don't have an issue with having male friends or my male friends having female friends as a single person, but I think it should change when married. If that's the case, then I feel we are to be more careful with some things. Or maybe not. Like I said, I don't know.

But I was praying about it last night and I think this stems from some fear that when I get married, the guy I am with will want to spend time with other girls still, like one on one, just as friends. Like he would tell me that he's going to go spend time with so and so, and just leave me behind. And inside I feel that that would hurt me. So I think in all this, I need to leave it in God's hands and see if this would actually ever be the case, and not worry about it right now. But to realize that if I were to get married, we would have that worked out and that yes, he would love me. So I think this question to myself brought up some insecurity that I need to work on.

 

[toastface_grillah]

One night we stayed by the dock talking until three AM, after checking to make sure the camp was closed down for the evening.. and we didn't face each other or look at each other, and we were eight feet away from each other.. in case someone did stumble upon us, there would be NO QUESTION as to if anything had been going on.

Whoa, that's a bit much! Eight feet apart and no looking? Why not just call each other? You guys do get free nights and weekends, yes?

People are really quick to assume "well if I'm not attracted to them, and they're not attracted to me" that everything is okay and boundaries (emotionally and spiritually) are irrelevant. but we are told to guard our hearts, and in my experience, when people stop maintaining boundaries, they are more likely to develop senseless crushes that happen because of CIRCUMSTANCE, not genuine attraction.

I can see the importance of having some boundaries (seeing a recent blowup between two non-Christian friends really brought that one home to me a few weeks ago), but sometimes I wonder if we Christians overdo it sometimes.
It's good to guard our hearts, and it's good to be cautious. But sometimes, if you're cautious to the point of being unapproachable, you can end up missing out on some really good people.
God does want us to conduct ourselves above reproach, but I don't think He wants us to regard our brothers and sisters as potential hazards that we need to protect ourselves and one another from.

 

[white dove]

Thanks for the thoughts. I want to make sure I keep boundaries.

I think as a single person, the rules then are different? I don't have an issue with having male friends or my male friends having female friends as a single person, but I think it should change when married. If that's the case, then I feel we are to be more careful with some things. Or maybe not. Like I said, I don't know.

Please know that there aren't any "rules," but if you feel the need for rules, I would flesh some out or prayerfully consider some.

For me (and this is only me here), I try not to go to my guy friends for support immediately afte a break-up (like for emotional support) OR if I'm struggling with being single.. and sometimes, even discussing things of a sexual nature (like history or struggles). Why? By commiserating together and me having had some pretty amazing guy friends might get me thinking "Hmm.." even when there is no "Hmmm..." to entertain. For me, it's about being vulnerable and placing myself in a position to be.. more so around a loving, caring guy that I both love and care about (and vice versa). Sometimes, things might mix up in my head and heart (been there before), so I try to distance myself from these topics or try not to get into them too much because of what might happen on either end (it can happen on the guy's side, too; not to meow, but it has happened before, as well).


As far as rules while in a relationship, I really don't have any for myself when it comes to guy friends. I can remain friends with guys while in a relationship, but for the most part, I'm completely content with going to my significant other for that kind of support -- and then-some. Guy friends subsequently become more casual and it's more like group things that I might see them at. I don't believe in ditching friends once in a relationship, but male friends tend to understand the dynamics will be a bit different now. Female friends tend to as well.

But I was praying about it last night and I think this stems from some fear that when I get married, the guy I am with will want to spend time with other girls still, like one on one, just as friends. Like he would tell me that he's going to go spend time with so and so, and just leave me behind. And inside I feel that that would hurt me. So I think in all this, I need to leave it in God's hands and see if this would actually ever be the case, and not worry about it right now. But to realize that if I were to get married, we would have that worked out and that yes, he would love me. So I think this question to myself brought up some insecurity that I need to work on.

This shouldn't even be a concern of yours. My goodness, you remind me so much of myself! Lol... but you're placing yourself in a situation that does not yet exist. While I think it's good to plan things out or have goals and things, to get into details like this seems pointless. You do not (that I know of) have the guy, yet! So, you know nothing of him! When you do get involved with the right guy (it is my belief you will find him), upon being in a relationship you will get to see how he corresponds and reacts to his female friends at that time. You will get clues into how he most likely will react as an engaged, then subsequently as a married man. During the course of your relationship, you 2 can discuss things as they come up... which I think is ideal because people can all be different and it would be good to discuss things as a couple. Just my thoughts though.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

That's why I said it was in God's hands at this point

 

[stephanieamber]

Whoa, that's a bit much! Eight feet apart and no looking? Why not just call each other? You guys do get free nights and weekends, yes?



I can see the importance of having some boundaries (seeing a recent blowup between two non-Christian friends really brought that one home to me a few weeks ago), but sometimes I wonder if we Christians overdo it sometimes.
It's good to guard our hearts, and it's good to be cautious. But sometimes, if you're cautious to the point of being unapproachable, you can end up missing out on some really good people.
God does want us to conduct ourselves above reproach, but I don't think He wants us to regard our brothers and sisters as potential hazards that we need to protect ourselves and one another from.

it was 2 am in the dark on the dock by the lake. we didn't establish that we would stand 8 feet away from each other, we just naturally did that. when bradley and I talked about it, he said he appreciated it because in the past he would have taken a girl to the dock at night to talk to her about Jesus and try to make out with her. so for bradley, that 8 feet was the difference between him having a way to kind of revert back to that old way and having a late night talk together even though it was a slightly compromised position.

I don't miss out on any of my guy friends. We can have deeply intimate conversations within healthy boundaries that protect us from getting hurt or ruining our relationship because it's built with no regard to propriety.

and I'm fine with people thinking it's a bit over the top, because I know what boundaries I need to have.

 

[Blank123]

When I'm in a relationship (or the guy in question is in a relationship) i tend to be much more distant. I'm very careful never to spend time alone with a guy who isn't my boyfriend if one or both of us are in a relationship. I just don't want any mixed signals to be sent, and I don't want to give anyone any reason to think that something inappropriate is going on.

 

[LadyL]

WD hit on some good points, a lot of the confusion can happen simply because someone is "there" and we can misinterpret that as something more or because of our fragile state, it can lead to being turned into something more then it really was.

Another good example is whoever mentioned when someone gave them praise. I know how that feels- kinda sweeps you off your feet, right?

I guess the good thing that I can take from my failures and successes from friendships of the opposite sex is that you learn more about who you are, whom you are and belong to and how to maintain healthy relationships.

 

[Im_A]

One of the hardest things for me to understand is what sort of relationships we can have with the opposite sex when single, and how (if at all) should that change when we are married?

Let's say as a single person, you hang out along with the opposite sex. Just as friends. Nothing more. When you get married, should that change?

Are there things you feel you shouldn't share with the opposite sex unless married? I'm talking about things non-physical.

I am fine with hanging out with the opposite sex as friends so long as we are on the same page and know that there is nothing more there and there is no temptation. But if I was dating someone, I don't think that I would do this anymore. So, if that is true, is it wrong to try and even be friends with the opposite sex?

This is something I can never seem to figure out. How do I go about figuring out what is ok and not ok? I feel like I need to figure it out so that I know what I should/shouldn't "expect" from a guy in this when we date.

It does change when we are with someone. Let's face it, the person we are with romantically means a heck of a lot more than platonic female friendships with the opposite sex.

The only time for me it gets complicated is when there are problems with the relationship that the friendship actually begins to compensate for the failings of the relationship.