- Sep 17, 2004
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I am really struggling a lot this weekend. My grandson was born a week ago, and I went to visit my daughter to help her with her two year old and the housework. The week wqs very stressful, because my daughter has an extremely critical spirit and found fault with something i did multiple times a day. It triggered tons of shame about the way I raised her and her brothers as well as left me feeling extremely inadequate and useless, even though I did tons of stuff for her.
So, now i am on my way home from my trip, and I really have been tempted to drink and act out. I also have had thoughts of wishing I could die. My shame about my past mistakes as a mother, and my failures as a person is so deep.
I called a few AA numbers as i drove today, and got voicemails. I drove to q liquor store and sat in front of it and tried my sponsor one more time. I got her and drove away from the store.
In speaking with her, I realized I must get a new sponsor. My sponsor is terrific, but she jumps to conclusions and assumes what I am thinking or going to say, and I hate that. I can't talk to her about anything without her jumping all over what I say when I am jammed up. I tend to shut down when that happens, and I won't share with her.
Plus, with the situation with my daughter, she enables me in seeing my daughter negatively, and I don't need help with that.
I called my therapist and am hoping he returns my call, because I am jammed up and so tempted to act out and I am sitting in a hotel room, tired and depressed and feeling extremely self-destructive.
So, now i am on my way home from my trip, and I really have been tempted to drink and act out. I also have had thoughts of wishing I could die. My shame about my past mistakes as a mother, and my failures as a person is so deep.
I called a few AA numbers as i drove today, and got voicemails. I drove to q liquor store and sat in front of it and tried my sponsor one more time. I got her and drove away from the store.
In speaking with her, I realized I must get a new sponsor. My sponsor is terrific, but she jumps to conclusions and assumes what I am thinking or going to say, and I hate that. I can't talk to her about anything without her jumping all over what I say when I am jammed up. I tend to shut down when that happens, and I won't share with her.
Plus, with the situation with my daughter, she enables me in seeing my daughter negatively, and I don't need help with that.
I called my therapist and am hoping he returns my call, because I am jammed up and so tempted to act out and I am sitting in a hotel room, tired and depressed and feeling extremely self-destructive.