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Soooooooo Tempted......and Struggling!!!!1

madison1101

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I am really struggling a lot this weekend. My grandson was born a week ago, and I went to visit my daughter to help her with her two year old and the housework. The week wqs very stressful, because my daughter has an extremely critical spirit and found fault with something i did multiple times a day. It triggered tons of shame about the way I raised her and her brothers as well as left me feeling extremely inadequate and useless, even though I did tons of stuff for her.

So, now i am on my way home from my trip, and I really have been tempted to drink and act out. I also have had thoughts of wishing I could die. My shame about my past mistakes as a mother, and my failures as a person is so deep.

I called a few AA numbers as i drove today, and got voicemails. I drove to q liquor store and sat in front of it and tried my sponsor one more time. I got her and drove away from the store.

In speaking with her, I realized I must get a new sponsor. My sponsor is terrific, but she jumps to conclusions and assumes what I am thinking or going to say, and I hate that. I can't talk to her about anything without her jumping all over what I say when I am jammed up. I tend to shut down when that happens, and I won't share with her.

Plus, with the situation with my daughter, she enables me in seeing my daughter negatively, and I don't need help with that.

I called my therapist and am hoping he returns my call, because I am jammed up and so tempted to act out and I am sitting in a hotel room, tired and depressed and feeling extremely self-destructive.

 

the.Sheepdog

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You are dwelling on the wrong thing dear lady. Instead of worrying over how much you are about to fall, think on how many times just today you were successful.

You knew that you needed a new sponsor. Thats a win. You pulled away from that liquor store. Thats a win. You didnt act out with your daughter. win.

You know, and I know, and God knows you are not a loser. So know it some more. You are not a loser. You dont have to try to do this or that tomorrow. heck with tomorrow. You just live in the right now.

God has given me a great respect and love for those fighting this disease. My father fought it for many years. He has been sober for 40 years and still fights it. He sort of increased his chocolates but what the heck!

You called your sponsor and you posted here. Looks like the actions of a winner to me!

I will be praying for you! and I am always available if you need me. I am up at odd hours due to my work.
 
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madison1101

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You are dwelling on the wrong thing dear lady. Instead of worrying over how much you are about to fall, think on how many times just today you were successful.

You knew that you needed a new sponsor. Thats a win. You pulled away from that liquor store. Thats a win. You didnt act out with your daughter. win.

You know, and I know, and God knows you are not a loser. So know it some more. You are not a loser. You dont have to try to do this or that tomorrow. heck with tomorrow. You just live in the right now.

God has given me a great respect and love for those fighting this disease. My father fought it for many years. He has been sober for 40 years and still fights it. He sort of increased his chocolates but what the heck!

You called your sponsor and you posted here. Looks like the actions of a winner to me!

I will be praying for you! and I am always available if you need me. I am up at odd hours due to my work.

Thanks for the encouragement. It blesses me tremendously. My therapist called me back and reminded me of several things. He also affirmed me in my decision to call my sponsor.

I stayed sober, and got my 60 days. I drive the rest of the way home today. I will try to get to a meeting tonight and share. I missed my meetings while away.

Thanks again.

Trish

 
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