Son's Grad

[ShainaBrina]

I am pleased and excited to announce that my beloved son will be graduating from Bible College. The graduation ceremony will be this Saturday. Woot!

Now for the whiny part: His father, my ex, is flying up from MS to attend the occasion. Which is great. He's bringing his new wife, which is fine (she didn't come to son's wedding). He wants to take the kids (grad, grad's wife and my daughter) out for dinner afterward, which is great. Without me, which is not great and not so ok with me.

I personally can see no reason why we shouldn't all celebrate together. It's about our son's achievement not about the ex's or me or the new wife. I see no reason for conflict. However my son, is worried there could be some conflict between the new wife and myself. I've never met her so I suppose it could be possible...

So because of his worry/anxiety over some possible if unlikely conflict... I'm to be excluded from the celebratory dinner. I'm feeling rather sulky about it too. Seem unfair.

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. Do the mother's always get the short end of the stick in these types of things?

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Now for the whiny part: His father, my ex, is flying up from MS to attend the occasion. Which is great. He's bringing his new wife, which is fine (she didn't come to son's wedding). He wants to take the kids (grad, grad's wife and my daughter) out for dinner afterward, which is great. Without me, which is not great and not so ok with me.

I personally can see no reason why we shouldn't all celebrate together. It's about our son's achievement not about the ex's or me or the new wife. I see no reason for conflict. However my son, is worried there could be some conflict between the new wife and myself. I've never met her so I suppose it could be possible...

So because of his worry/anxiety over some possible if unlikely conflict... I'm to be excluded from the celebratory dinner. I'm feeling rather sulky about it too. Seem unfair.

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. Do the mother's always get the short end of the stick in these types of things?

Well, congrats about your son!!

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

My ex got married, shortly after our divorce.....so I learned to put my 'differences' aside, early on. But, it, surely, was not fun seeing them together.....it was awkward. But, both he and I, put our differences aside and grinned and bared it, so our daughter would be happy. I moved a state away, and the good thing about that was, I didn't have to really do 'whole family functions' together.

But, even tho, this situation kinda' sucks, just remember your son KNOWS everything you have sacrificed for him to be able to be the man he is today.....when, I'm sure, his dad wasn't around. And he will always value that and NOTHING can take that away from you. So, just forgo one day and let them have it, but you really know who's important in his life.

s Shaina!

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Congrats on your son's graduation!

I'm very sorry though for the celebration situation It seems to me that you have the right attitude. It is about your son and you all could certainly handle a couple of hours together at dinner, focusing on your son and celebrating with him and his wife and child...

Do you think your ex is nervous as well and may be influencing your sons decision?

 

[ShainaBrina]

Congrats on your son's graduation!

I'm very sorry though for the celebration situation It seems to me that you have the right attitude. It is about your son and you all could certainly handle a couple of hours together at dinner, focusing on your son and celebrating with him and his wife and child...

Do you think your ex is nervous as well and may be influencing your sons decision?

Oh definately! It was the ex's idea for the dinner and that I shouldn't attend. The ex and I have had dinner together with the kids on various occasions over the 12 years we've been divorced. So it's not that he and I have trouble getting along... it is simply the wife coming along that has created an issue for him...or his wife, whichever the case may be.

He told me once, years ago, that I would NEVER meet this woman who was his live-in at the time. I guess he was afraid of what I might say about him to her.

I really don't care about her or that he's remarried. More power to them.

Seems being the "good" one, just doesn't pay dividends. I'm the one who's been here in the trenches with that boy, going way beyond the call of duty. When we were first divorced I even let the ex stay over on Christmas eve so the kids would have their dad there on Christmas morning. I hated it, but did it for the sake of our children.

Did the ex include me when it was his turn??? No way!
And the patern continues...

*pout*

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Do you think it would help to call your ex directly and talk to him and let him know that you are not pleased with the idea of missing out on your son's college graduation celebration. Let him know that there is nothing for him to be uncomfortable about and that as the MOTHER of his child - he needs to understand that you have earned the right to join in the celebration.

Reassure him that there won't be any issues from you and if his wife doesn't feel comfortable attending then SHE is actually the one that will miss out on the dinner as you plan on being there.

I wouldn't give him an option if it were me - I'd just tell him that's the way it's going to be.

Now of course, I'm saying this as a totally disinterested party that has absolutely no idea of the emotional dynamics between you and your ex and you, your ex and your son...so I know that my advice may not be appropriate in your specific situation.

But I just hate to see you, the MOTHER, missing out on such a momentous event in your son's life.

 

[ShainaBrina]

I hate it too...and I feel like a second class parent. Why does the step mother take presidence over me??

 

[ido]

Congrats to your son.

Bummer that he is obviously grown and married and his dad is still putting him in a "kid in the middle" situation. I will never understand that type of behavior out of some parents.

While it would be nice for your son (and you) if you could all just celebrate together, maybe a compromise can be reached. Depending on the time of the graduation, maybe you could have a celebratory breakfast/brunch or lunch with your son and then the dinner with his dad will be a somewhat moot point.

I can definitely empathize - my ex brought his current GF with him to the hospital last Fall when our son had surgery - and they cuddled up on the sleeper chair overnight whilst I got to sleep sitting upright next to our son's bed.

 

[GritsnGrace]

I hate it too...and I feel like a second class parent. Why does the step mother take presidence over me??

Shaina, you aren't a second class parent. I have been down that same road. I hope that you had your own celebration with your son and the rest of YOUR family. IMO, the second wife is probably jealous of your relationship with your son and his dad. Anyway, life goes on, and I hope you did have a celebration of some sort! to you!!

 

[ShainaBrina]

Saturday came and went. My daughter and I (17) attended the grad luncheon and hung out with my son, his wife and some other grads for about an hour and a half between the end of lunch and the start of the ceremony. I had fun...we always have fun together.

My ex and his wife were there at the table... she said hardly anything. They took off as soon as the meal ended and didn't invite my daughter to go with them. They also left quickly after the cerimony without saying good bye to me or my daughter.

I had decided that I was not going to continue in the family pattern and said I would be driving home while they go out to dinner and either the ex or my son could drive my daughter home after dinner or the next day. That was too inconvenient for those boys. So my daughter wound up missing out on the dinner and any time with Dad. Poor kid was/is very upset that Dad put his new wife before time with her.

So... I was excited to see my son graduate, but I felt really badly for my sweet daughter.

 

[GritsnGrace]

I am sorry your daughter had to go through that, but it sounds a lot like what my ex would have done. She knows who is in her corner!!! Just like my daughter knows who is in hers! Glad it is all behind you now!

 

[covenantwmn]

I'm so sorry. I'm just checking in to see how my buddies are doing. My situation was similar and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I will never know why some of these guys just can't let it go for the kids and at least be civil and get along, so the kids are not always choosing which parent to be with b/c one won't be around the other. Good for you for trying!!!! I know how difficult it can be. God bless you for trying to do the right thing, and BIG CONGRATS on your son's graduation!!!