son wants to move in with girlfriend

[1cruiser]

I'm not sure what to do. My son is 20 and wants to move in with his girlfriend. He is a christian and is going to church with his girlfriend. I have explained to him that this goes against God's teaching, but either he doesn't see it or doesn't care. I also explained that as a christian, we are not to be part of the world and that if he does this, non-believers wll just think he's no different than they are. And I explained that we are supposed to be different and set apart. So, he knows exactly how myself and his dad feel about this.
I think he wants me to say this is ok to do. I told him that I could not do that because it is immoral and goes against God and His teachings. My husband agrees totally with me on this. I believe that all we can do is tell him the truth and our stand on this and then drop it. My husband doesn't see it that way. He thinks that if we act like everything is ok, that we are condoning the sin. I do not want to lose my son over this. But, my husband is saying that if i help him move, act like nothing is wrong, etc., that i am condoning his actions. I don't agree with that. He knows how we feel, but in my opinion we cannot shove it down his throat and still have a relationship.
I'm not sure what to do because God teaches that my husband is the head of my house and I am to obey him, and I do. But, I also believe it is ok to tell him my feelings and I have. But, now I am in the middle of my husband and son and am not sure what the answer is.

 

[kellyc]

i agree with you. i also think that since your son wants to be an adult he will need to take care of everything himself with no help from mom and dad (financially etc). i probably wouldn't help him move, but i'd absolutely be there for him regardless of what i think of his living arrangements. you have said what you needed to say and he is an adult. you do not want to lose him over this. God doesn't abandon us because we sin. he's always there waiting for us to return.

what if he marries this girl and has children? you don't want your relationship with their family to be ruined before it even starts.

 

[salida]

Agree with kellyc.

 

[fm107]

I'm not sure what to do. My son is 20 and wants to move in with his girlfriend. He is a christian and is going to church with his girlfriend. I have explained to him that this goes against God's teaching, but either he doesn't see it or doesn't care. I also explained that as a christian, we are not to be part of the world and that if he does this, non-believers wll just think he's no different than they are. And I explained that we are supposed to be different and set apart. So, he knows exactly how myself and his dad feel about this.

I think he wants me to say this is ok to do. I told him that I could not do that because it is immoral and goes against God and His teachings. My husband agrees totally with me on this. I believe that all we can do is tell him the truth and our stand on this and then drop it. My husband doesn't see it that way. He thinks that if we act like everything is ok, that we are condoning the sin. I do not want to lose my son over this. But, my husband is saying that if i help him move, act like nothing is wrong, etc., that i am condoning his actions. I don't agree with that. He knows how we feel, but in my opinion we cannot shove it down his throat and still have a relationship.
I'm not sure what to do because God teaches that my husband is the head of my house and I am to obey him, and I do. But, I also believe it is ok to tell him my feelings and I have. But, now I am in the middle of my husband and son and am not sure what the answer is.

1cruiser,

You and your husband have done well to oppose this.

We indeed must do what is right in the eyes of all men:

Romans 12:17
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.

And we most certainly should not put ourselves into positions where Satan can tempt us. Him moving in with her is just inviting the tempter to come in. It's very dangerous grounds and should definitely be avoided.

....................................................................................

I cannot stress enough to you how right your husband is. Trust him and listen to him, he is right in what he is saying. You should definitely not help him move out. This will only make him think:

a) you approve of it or
b) your a hypocrite

I'll explain using another example, it's like saying to a kid, don't smoke it's bad for you, then offer him a cigarette? That's what your doing.

I'll say it again, listen to your husband and give him your full support and make your support for your husband known to your son, so that you have a united front and your son will be more likely to reconsider or have a conscience about this sin more so if he hasn't already.


Your brother in him,

Frank

 

[Aibrean]

Maybe that's because his reasoning is he isn't going to have sex.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 "Abstain from all appearance of evil."

That's the verse that hit home for me. We bought the house before we were married then had a very short in between time from then to the wedding because I didn't want to wait (we had been dating for like 6 years before we were engaged though). We didn't live in the house until our wedding night.

If he wants to move in because he wants to marry her, then he should marry.

 

[citizenthom]

Your son is an adult. You and your husband have done the right thing--and the extent of your duty as parents of an adult child. But that's where it ends. Once he makes the decision, it is his decision.

Another poster hit on something: maybe you should confront him in particular about his long-term intentions. If he says he plans to marry this girl, steer them toward serious discussions along those lines. Make it clear to him that if what he wants is to be with this girl both materially and sexually, there is a right way to do it; and if they are ready for it there is no good reason for them to put it off while sinfully cohabitating.

 

[1cruiser]

Thanks for all the advice! I have definetly decided I'm going to support my husband in this. That is God's plan for the family. I have given my son a couple of daily devotions I had concerning being a witness for the world and the conduct he is supposed to portray as a christian, with a letter stating again how we feel. I also said that satan is waiting at his door and asked the question, who is he going to let in, satan or christ. That is all we can do. We all make mistakes and hopefully this will be a learning lesson. God can use any situation. Also, his girlfriend is not saved which could be part of the problem and maybe this situation came up for us to witness to her. You just never know. Hopefully, he will be convicted and change his mind. Thanks again for the help!

 

[lutherangerman]

I wouldn't make it an issue of decision between satan and God. That is really really really wrong. Like, super wrong. About the other things I don't care but please don't frighten your SON (!) with satan. Your son is probably being pressed by his girlfriend, and he doesn't have it so easy if she isn't saved. But in the truth salvation is a process, it isn't happening like a one-time event and then comes merry times forever. Instead we learn to trust that Jesus has already done the salvation on the cross, saves us now, and will save us in the future. He needs to live in the salvation influence of Jesus, which includes a lot of the kindness of God, learning to trust in Him, and growing in Him. You cannot afford to scare him away with the careless "satan or God statements". He needs your love and advice, but he also needs to be able to trust you. You can do anything else you like, but don't bring satan between your son and Jesus.

 

[janny108]

Our son is 23 and he is living with a girl for about 2 years now. We acknowledged her at Christmas even though we did not see them. It's been 2 years now. They live in Va now and we are in AZ. He is in the army.

 

[Johnnz]

I have maintained good relationships with several people over the years who were 'living in sin'. They knew my views, but our relationship was to strong to jettison on a single issue. I can still speak into some of their lives many years later because I never broke ff relationship or made by love conditional. If it were my son even more reason to take the same approach.

John
NZ

 

[heron]

I would start with -why- God made laws on that topic, and instead of making it a striving against God issue, make it a sensibility issue.

Will he be prepared to support an additional person or two if she gets pregnant? Is he willing to take on any flack her parents might present; does he know if she has any illegal habits that might incriminate him; does he agree with her spending habits, and is he willing to cover the rent if she ends up in debt. If her car breaks down, will he help transport her and make sure the car is fixed.

Do they know how much you currently pay in insurances, phone, cell phone, water, trash pick-up, cable TV/net, medical, gas and electric, groceries, tuition, holiday gifts...

I think the biggest question is whether he is so committed to her, that if she were to get pregnant, he would not be upset that the rest of his life will involve her and the potential child, whether they stay together romantically or not.

Help him think this through. Your son is not suddenly your enemy.

 

[benromana]

I've been in the same situation with our son.

As a conscientious Christian, I needed to think the issue through with the goal of preserving our Christian values, at the same time laying the groundwork for a good future for all concerned.

First I needed to cut through the surface meanings and pre-conceptions of marriage, faith, and really, life itself. This made me realize that 1) people are biologically "programmed" to pro-create starting in the teen years, 2) well-meaning parents are also "programmed" to influence their children to postpone family until they're "ready," and 3) Christ's teachings and the 10 commandments, particularly on the issues of adultery and honoring parents, clearly intend to create peace and order in a society where the family unit is the foundation.

Next, I extracted the in-arguable truth from the above, which to me is #3, and made it the main topic of my conversation with my son.

Turns out my son was in agreement. He didn't want to move in with his then-girlfriend (now his wife and mother to our grandson) to "experiment;" he wanted to be there for her - to be her friend and companion.

I then got both my son and now my DIL - who was of similar thinking, btw - together. I asked if they were in a position to commit to each other "for life" with the wedding to come later, and more important, have Jesus in the center of their relationship. They said "yes." The 3 of us prayed together for thanks and strength. Incidentally, my wife is very traditional so she wasn't part of this scenario with me as the surrogate pastor

That was 4 years ago, and they've since gotten married and are very happy as a family.

So, the question is: what if your son and his girlfriend are in it without committing to a lifelong relationship?

I believe the best a parent can do is explain to the child very clearly his/her views about the significance of "living together" and why, as Christians, we give so much value to sex as part of God's master plan for us, and why there are God-given and man-made "structures" to preserve that plan.

If there's a "deer in the headlights," indifferent, or even negative reaction, we as parents have accomplished one task in this new phase of parenthood: giving good adult-level advice.

In the worst-case scenario, a child will still hear the advice and probably retain it. That's why it's important to share that advice clearly but lovingly.

Adult children moving in with a partner is really something beyond our reasonable control, so we might as well accept that.

But the thoughts and insights they get from us before doing so will be with them forever. Just as important, the role-modeling we as parents continue to do as the "next mode of parenting," is possible because we didn't burn bridges at the start.

Then again, your son and his girlfriend may be on the same page as you.

Hope this helps...

 

[femly4]

I've been in the same situation with our son.

As a conscientious Christian, I needed to think the issue through with the goal of preserving our Christian values, at the same time laying the groundwork for a good future for all concerned.

First I needed to cut through the surface meanings and pre-conceptions of marriage, faith, and really, life itself. This made me realize that 1) people are biologically "programmed" to pro-create starting in the teen years, 2) well-meaning parents are also "programmed" to influence their children to postpone family until they're "ready," and 3) Christ's teachings and the 10 commandments, particularly on the issues of adultery and honoring parents, clearly intend to create peace and order in a society where the family unit is the foundation.

Next, I extracted the in-arguable truth from the above, which to me is #3, and made it the main topic of my conversation with my son.

Turns out my son was in agreement. He didn't want to move in with his then-girlfriend (now his wife and mother to our grandson) to "experiment;" he wanted to be there for her - to be her friend and companion.

I then got both my son and now my DIL - who was of similar thinking, btw - together. I asked if they were in a position to commit to each other "for life" with the wedding to come later, and more important, have Jesus in the center of their relationship. They said "yes." The 3 of us prayed together for thanks and strength. Incidentally, my wife is very traditional so she wasn't part of this scenario with me as the surrogate pastor

That was 4 years ago, and they've since gotten married and are very happy as a family.

So, the question is: what if your son and his girlfriend are in it without committing to a lifelong relationship?

I believe the best a parent can do is explain to the child very clearly his/her views about the significance of "living together" and why, as Christians, we give so much value to sex as part of God's master plan for us, and why there are God-given and man-made "structures" to preserve that plan.

If there's a "deer in the headlights," indifferent, or even negative reaction, we as parents have accomplished one task in this new phase of parenthood: giving good adult-level advice.

In the worst-case scenario, a child will still hear the advice and probably retain it. That's why it's important to share that advice clearly but lovingly.

Adult children moving in with a partner is really something beyond our reasonable control, so we might as well accept that.

But the thoughts and insights they get from us before doing so will be with them forever. Just as important, the role-modeling we as parents continue to do as the "next mode of parenting," is possible because we didn't burn bridges at the start.

Then again, your son and his girlfriend may be on the same page as you.

Hope this helps...

I actually came across this forum in doing research because I MYSELF am in this same situation. But with MYSELF.

I am a 27 year old man, and had been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I am also a virgin and a devoted Christian.

To explain a little bit about our situation, I met my girlfriend roughly 5 years ago. She was my best friend for 2 years before we got together. We met because she was a fan of my music, and became a "pen pal" which lead to us growing into a friendship. She lived 300 miles from me at the time.

Our feelings were strong, and she was a strong faithful follower of Christ and we soon got together.

Through prayer and with ALL the help from God we balances a long distance relationship for 2 years. Living 300 miles away from eachother was tough.. Seeing each other MAYBE once a month (Plane tickets and gas prices were not AS bad but still..) and even temptation of other women and her other men, were always around. But we stayed strong and got through it. I can easily say even from afar, it was some of the best times of my life.

Well in our two year mark, I transferred jobs and moved closer to her (40 miles from her to be exact) and moved in with some family and renting out a room due to that living conditions where she lives are a LOT more expensive than where I used to live. And it's been great living close to her and being able to see her every week rather every month.

At this time, she was renting a room with some church friends.

Living conditions have gotten very bad on both our sides. Finances, emotional, everything. So, we've sat together and discussed moving in with each other. We know it puts us in a situation of "temptation" and so forth, but we have gotten to a point we feel that moving in with each other have more PROS than being apart.

Let me explain the pros and cons.

Lets say we DON'T move in with each other. I'd have to stay here with family, which is taking a LOT of money out of my finances with rent, which takes out of saving money for a wedding, and we'd be in our stressful environments still. (I won't get into details on the "stressful environment" but it's a stress living with non Christians.) And this would mean that it would be possibly YEARS until we get married.. (i'm not getting any younger! ;P )

And say I move out on my own.. I can't afford a one bedroom apt/house out here. Even living in a room on my own is tough since people asking for rooms charge a ton of cash, and lots of rooms are non Christian people and their living habits are a bit extreme. Or at least, living habits I don't agree with.

I won't get into her situations for respect reasons, but once again please take my word for it.

If we DO move in with each other, we'd be out of those environments, we'd get to split rent of a ONE bedroom, which would help finances, and we can plan a wedding. We've prayed and prayed, and we'll continue to be virgins until we get married, and we know it will be difficult, but we feel we will stay that way.

We've even talked about moving in with FRIENDS that are a couple, and getting a two bedroom and splitting the rent FOUR ways.

God is our number one priority and he knows our hearts, and we feel this is the way to do it. Reading Benromana's post, I feel we're in the situation of:

He didn't want to move in with his then-girlfriend (now his wife and mother to our grandson) to "experiment;" he wanted to be there for her - to be her friend and companion.

I then got both my son and now my DIL - who was of similar thinking, btw - together. I asked if they were in a position to commit to each other "for life" with the wedding to come later, and more important, have Jesus in the center of their relationship. They said "yes." The 3 of us prayed together for thanks and strength

And I COMPLETELY understand the concern and I appreciate the concern people may have. But I don't believe this action would be us "sinning" would it? If anything, it's leading us out of a life where we can put Jesus MORE in our focus and be able to work on getting this wedding together so we CAN be married.

We aren't wanting to move in with eachother because it's "What people do." We GENERALLY believe this will help us get CLOSER to what we feel God wants us to do. Glorify Him with our marriage and start our lives together as one.

Our GOAL is to be married. And we feel this is the best way to go. I even have an engagement ring for her. I'd love to hear from Benromana and many of you on this as well. Thank you for your time.

 

[Gabe7]

He is an adult. Voice your concerns and let him live his life. Nagging him about it won't help your case. At least I don't think it will. Some men may be swayed away from moving in with their girlfriend based on frothy emotional appeals from their mother.