Son has ADHD and I hate how I deal with it

[Woodsy]

1. Pardon the wall of text. If you back out now without reading further, I'll understand.
2. I am opening up here and leaving myself open to some harsh criticism. In this post, I am sharing things that I can never say aloud or even in some cases admit to. I know that. I don't talk like this every day or to everyone and my attitude is not cavalier.
Now, on to my post...

My wife and I are raising two daughters and a son. The son is my wife's from a previous relationship. My stepson has ADHD (no arguments, please, we fought against that diagnosis for years rather than slap him with a label unnecessarily), with a fair amount of oppositional disorder as well. I've read accounts of kids with ADHD who strike their parents, etc., and thank God our situation isn't that bad. But it is pretty bad.

The worst part of it is me. I am a pretty bad stepfather. I don't hit him or call him names or stuff like that. But my most common emotions around my boy are anger, disgust, and despair. No need to berate me; I know that I'm wrong and the poor boy needs a much much better male influence and a dad who displays love and affection for him.

He's 11 and it just seems like every day is a struggle with him - he argues with us about everything, cares about nothing but himself, is a big mess, and leaves a big mess in his wake. I don't want to detail what I mean by this, but suffice to say that I am not talking about your "normal" messy, boys will be boys, 11-year-old boy stuff.

Neither punishment nor praise seem to have any lasting effect. We have instituted all kinds of reward programs to help him focus on short-term tasks by offering short-term rewards. The only things that actually impact his behavior are the threat of taking away his TV and computer privileges. He was going for weeks without either, but the behaviors remain the same.
His mom hesitates to discipline him, so I am the "bad cop" in the house. Disciplining falls to me. One side effect of this is that he is pretty disrespectful to his mom because he knows that her compassion holds her back from disciplining him. Another side effect is that my role as disciplinarian has caused me to become almost a caricature of myself - with me being the chief disciplinarian, that has come to define my relationship with my son.
Another side effect of my being the disciplinarian is that my wife fights me on many of the measures I take. Even the ones she has told me just a few days ago that she agrees with. I think this lets her avoid feeling bad about punishing him.

I feel that I am starting to see him interact with his younger sisters in ways that I interact with him, and that is really starting to scare me. Using phrases that I use, etc. It's painful to see in part because it's an indictment of me and what a bad stepdad I have been and continue to be every day.
His sisters are both younger than him, and they are both really bright, model students, and pleasant children. It's easy to like them and it's easy to be moved to spontaneous shows of affection for them. And it stands out sharply because my relationship with him is so strained.

I need help changing myself and my behaviors and I don't know where to start. I feel that to back off would mean that he will get no discipline whatsoever and also that I must learn somehow to accept his destructive tendencies, crummy attitude, and disrespectful behavior. I can't not get mad when he pees all over the toilet seat and the floor and leaves it for someone else to clean up. And the thought of living with this and other behaviors for years to come is so discouraging that sometimes I feel like giving up.

I am failing him and my bad relationship with him is tearing my wife up.

I don't know what to do, and I don't even know what I'm asking here. Maybe just some advice on how to completely change what kind of Dad I am to him, or how to unconditionally love someone who fights me and his mom on everything.

 

[1whirlwind]

My grandson, eight years old, is going through a very difficult time with ADHD and as you know...it extends to everyone in the family. The medication helps but not completely. He HATES school and his grades show it. It is a constant struggle...everything is a constant struggle. He is a precious soul but a very difficult precious soul.

After a particularly trying visit with my daughter where we discussed the effect this was having on her marriage as well as on her two daughters...for he requires so much time that little is left for them, I have to say...no conclusion was reached. Only ideas to try. After prayers for him and his family that night I saw the following prayer written by a friend on another forum. It truly spoke to me of this particular situation. Perhaps it will help you too.

Father, my kind and caring God, in whom I trust - come into the life of my loved ones to quiet any turmoil and lay anxiety to rest. Be there with the gifts of your peace and guidance that we not be overwhelmed. Take each hand, as our Shepherd dear. That we may know and accept Your great assurances, even now.

It is You in whom our trust is placed, You who will open our eyes in wonder upon seeing what you have accomplished. Remind us again that you will ever be with us no matter what the future holds. Your "Amen" is what I seek, Lord as we are in need of comfort while we walk with you each day. Our lives and hearts belong to You, bought with a great price, we praise You in all things.


​

 

[b.hopeful]

Kudos for you for being a loving enough stepfather to seek help in dealing with this. I mean it, he's lucky to have you no matter how human your failings are.

I think this is bigger than an internet advice board. I think you guys need a professional because this isn't about a trick or a solution...this is about developing long term coping skills. I'll assume your stepson has an IEP for school. Talk to the school about resources...talk to his doctors about resources and don't feel alone in this.

My son has an intellectual disability(mental retardation) and ADD. When he was non-verbal....I lived a special kind of hell. Because I was a stay at home mom, I did almost all the disciplining. Something slices through your soul when you punish a child that you know has no real control over their actions. They are slaves to their impulses and to overcome the impulse and control an action is a triumph.

It is a lot to deal with. Look for support groups or a good family therapist that deals with ADHD. And don't beat yourself up.

 

[Woodsy]

1whirlwind, thanks for your empathy and thoughts. It's good to hear from someone else who understands what we're going through. Most people have no idea what ADHD is and they think it just means a kid who has trouble sitting still. Our whole family is definitely impacted.
b.hopeful, you are likely correct. We do have some resources through his school and are making use of them, though of course they're very limited. This morning he reminded me of one aspect of ADHD/Oppositional Defiance Disorder which I forgot to mention: lying. He lies about so many things. Lies, lies, lies. It's to the point that we can't trust him about anything.
Another problem with kids who can't pay attention? We can't let him ride his bike in our own neighborhood. I watched him almost get hit by a bus two weeks ago because he doesn't pay attention to his surroundings.
When pushed, he can do a lot better. When I was pushing him on his homework, his grades went up but it created strife between his mom and I. So, he can do better than he does: it's not a complete handicap, it's just that he's not willing to work at it. And I'm the only one who will push him, but I'm tired of fighting my wife over it.

 

[suzybeezy]

Parenting a child with ADHD is a very difficult job. Here's a great site with some good tips Parenting a Child with ADD/ADHD: Strategies for Family and Home - it also provides additional links with more information. The more informed you are, the better you will start finding yourself able to deal with this.

 

[BeanMak]

Just to give you some hope, we went through the same thing (ADHD, oppositional disorder) with my oldest. It was awful at times, but his creativity, his good heart and his intelligence kept me going. I tried military school when he was a freshman, and that helped some, but then he got into pot and I had to have him hospitalized his Junior year to help him get some control. Everything seemed like a struggle.

BUT

Now he is 25 holds a full time job at the hospital pharmacy where he is respected and appreciated. He is in school full time and he has a lovely wife and daughter.

Just do the best you can. Love him. Don't be afraid to discipline him and pray for the best.

 

[zaksmummy]

Just do the best you can. Love him. Don't be afraid to discipline him and pray for the best.

I just want to echo this. My son is 4 and a half, he doesnt have ADHD but I have found is behaviour very difficult to deal with alot of the time. Feeling angry, frustrated and him and at myself from not being able to deal with his behaviour.

The book that helped me was Dr James Dobsons "The Strong-willed Child". He said when they are asleep at night, go in their room and pray over them. I found that this has really helped, that and seeking God on why I got so angry and frustrated. He has been dealing wit me on that one

 

[Hadassah]

ditto to all the others. Have you looked into diet or his environment being a possible trigger?

My brother was labled ADHD and turns out he had a sugar problem. (turns into blood alcohol). Once we limited his sugar and fructose, things cleared up considerably.

I know many kids that are ADD/ADHD or Autistic that have benefited from a gluten free casein free diet, and some that have modified that to take out all food dyes and refined sugars. Some people just can't handle refined foods... and some of us can't handle gluten containing foods. They affect the mind as much as the body.

 

[Birbitt]

Pray about it, Seriously pray about the whole situation ask God to lead you to the people who can help you. Seek out a support group for families with children with ADHD and seek encouragement and advice from them. Seek out counseling for your son, and even for the whole familiy. ALSO I agree completely with Hadassah Sukkot above limit all refined sugar to minimum and also keep away from food with red dye in them I know that sounds strange but believe me it makes a big difference! And realize that just the fact that you are acknowledging your errors makes you a much better father/step father than many because most poeple will not admit a mistake! I will pray for you.

 

[cobweb]

Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy? My son isn't ADHD (he's mildly autistic), but this is what helped us the most.

 

[LutheranChick]

Pray about it, Seriously pray about the whole situation ask God to lead you to the people who can help you. Seek out a support group for families with children with ADHD and seek encouragement and advice from them. Seek out counseling for your son, and even for the whole familiy. ALSO I agree completely with Hadassah Sukkot above limit all refined sugar to minimum and also keep away from food with red dye in them I know that sounds strange but believe me it makes a big difference! And realize that just the fact that you are acknowledging your errors makes you a much better father/step father than many because most poeple will not admit a mistake! I will pray for you.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a step-daugher with ADHD plus Lord knows what else. She is a mess. She's 15, lives with her mother and we only see her every-other weekend (she lives 50 miles away), so we have very little control or influence over her. That being said- the one thing that we know is that she is better behaved when she is with us, than when she is with her mother- because we do not tolerate her misbehavior. At her mother's house- there are constant excuses along the line of 'she has a disability and she can't help what she does'. Yes- to some extent, but she has learned to use that as a crutch.

I too feel like a pretty rotten step-parent. My kids did not have these problems, and so I am not used to dealing with this. I do the best I can, but lose my patience and temper more than I should. However, her father and I stick together. And THAT, I believe- is the single, most important thing of all. The child cannot, under any circumstances, think they can control the situation by dividing the parents against each other.

Somehow, your wife has got to understand this. It is vital for your relationship, and for the sake of the children. She is hurting her son by not disciplining him, and by not standing beside her husband in agreement.

My husband disciplines his daugher mostly, thankfully, so I am not any more 'evil' than I already am. (Oh yes I hear about wicked stepmothers all the time). And he tells her that she will not come between us. This may sound cruel- but it has worked- he has told her that should she try to come between us, she is the one that will suffer. (her mother has not helped here, either- having told her daughter countless times that I have no authority over the daugher).

I don't know if any of this helps, but my prayers are with you.

 

[ThruChrist4Given]

I, too, apologize for the wall of text. I think I've got you beat! Here goes...

I've been there, and I understand. I raised a child with ADHD, and his reactions to discipline were the same as your stepson's. He didn't seem to care, his behavior didn't improve, and he could stretch any short-term discipline into a 2-week affair. When I thought he was listening intently, he didn't hear a word I said (although when he seemed to be paying no attention at all, he heard every word). He broke things constantly – not with defiance or anger, necessarily, but to see how far something would bend, or twist, or how far it could fall, before breaking. I was at my wit's end just seven years into parenting!

Even though he had more personality in his pinky finger than most kids had in their whole bodies, we started him on medication to help control his sometimes out-of-control behavior. Sure enough, he became submissive... but, as a close friend who is a nurse put it, ANYBODY can be medicated into submission. The cost of this "good" behavior was his sparkle, his energy, and his ability to light up a room when he entered. Besides, what was he really learning? The pills controlled his behavior; but he wasn't learning the benefits of self-control. Needless to say – no more medication. And the battles began anew.

Somewhere in the midst of my frustration, I realized that as hard as this was on me, it was so very much harder on him. The sheer fun of being a child was marred by the fact that he was always in some sort of trouble. How insecure he must have felt!

Our pediatrician, a good old-fashioned doctor, said, "Show me a kid with ADHD and I will show you a genius." Really? But he does dumb things that defy logic, he can turn picking his nose into a full-fledged argument, and he doesn't seem to care much about any of it. Really, I was assured – and promptly told it was MY job to rein in that brilliance and sparkle and aim it in the right direction, to teach him the proper way to behave.

Then there was Miss Peg, a counselor we went to for a short time. In that short time, however, she changed our lives. Her input was invaluable. She felt the same way our doctor did. She reminded me that my goal as a parent was to raise a successful adult, and if my son's ADHD made achieving that goal more difficult, well, "Too bad," she said; I still had a job to do. I needed to make sure he could function in society, and that he felt loved unconditionally.

Here are some strategies that helped me along the way. Looking back, I realize now that Miss Peg's advice was more about changing me that it was about changing him.

One tip I was given was that I needed to remain calm while implementing consistent, immediate, short-term discipline. I had to be willing to discipline him over, and over, and over again, without losing my temper. It wasn't my job to make sure he was chagrined, to make him miserable, to hurt him, to make him cry, to break his spirit. That is not the purpose of discipline. He simply had to know that there were consequences every time he broke the rules. I called it the broken-record theory of parenting. Miss Peg said it didn't matter if he didn't seem to care about being disciplined. It didn't matter if he continued to do the same thing a thousand times over. I needed to remain consistent – and calm. (My son has now told me it really DID matter, but he wasn't about to let me know that at the time!)

I couldn't spring things on him. If I wanted him to do something at 7, I started touching base with him at 6:30. 6:30 – "TV goes off at 7 so you can clean your room.." 6:45 – "Don't forget, in 15 minutes you must clean your room!" 6:55 – "5-minute warning!" At 7, I couldn't just count on him to turn off the TV, pick himself up, and do as he'd been asked. I had to follow through – to make sure he turned off the tv and to walk with him to his room, then give him a reasonable time limit to complete the job – I used to allow 30 minutes or so (extra time to play as he picked up). Anything that wasn't picked up in 30 minutes was put in a bag and removed from his room. Without yelling, without anger. Eventually, he was able to do more with less supervision, and he actually turned into a neat-freak teenager. Who knew?

My son was incapable of focusing on homework right after school. The counselor said I should have definite "divisions" in his day. School. Then one hour of free time. Then homework. Then supper. Then bath. Then TV. She said schedules that cater to their level of energy and distractability are really helpful for ADHD kids. Once we implemented this schedule, it helped relieve some of the tension in our home.

ADHD kids can be so emotional and so very sensitive. When it bothers you that he seems unaffected, try to remember that this may be his coping mechanism for the fact that he feels things so much more deeply.

She said it would get worse before it got better, but that I was to remain calm, consistent, and confident. I did, and sure enough, it paid off.

I also used a "non-reactive" approach to disrespect. If my son wanted to be heard and acknowledged, he had to approach me calmly and respectfully. I warned both of my children only one time that I had special "mommy ears" that could not hear whining and disrespect. They could yell, throw tantrums, whine, or otherwise show a lack of respect, but it got them absolutely nothing – except ignored. Without a battle, this conditioned them to speak to me respectfully. It made such an impact on my children that when my daughter was a nanny, she used the same approach and swore by it.

I felt guilt too. My daughter was his complete opposite. She was a little angel, never in trouble, calm, contented, not argumentative. I yelled at him, praised her, and yelled at him again. I became determined to find areas where I could praise him too. He may not have heard, "Good job cleaning your room, Son," very often, but he did hear things like, "I can't believe how well you drive the car in that video game," and, "I really love how you like such a wide variety of music." I took him out for one-on-one time to make him feel special, and to create opportunities for praise: "I'm glad you wanted to come here. Good choice!" "Great job driving those go-karts!" . In return, he gained confidence. His relationship with his sister improved; he no longer felt he had to compete with "Miss Goody Two-Shoes." Because she now heard praise for her big brother instead of constant criticism, she was able to look up to him. Today she's his biggest fan.

I wasted several of his first years being frustrated and angry. I'm so glad I got the advice I got! And you know what? My son is now a caring, sensitive 26-year-old with a big heart that he wears on his sleeve. Everyone loves him. He's a paramedic, and is constantly told he is the best at what he does. It's hard to even remember most of those things that were so difficult. The things I do remember now give us a good laugh.

With an ADHD child, you need long-term perspective, because short-term perspective will frustrate both of you. At the end of the day, it's not the messes that mattered. What matters is that I led him and guided him with a firm yet gentle hand, and that he felt loved and secure through it all. Did he take more effort than the average child? You bet he did! But he was worth it.

As for unconditional love, there's nothing you can do to convince me that any ADHD child is more difficult than some of our favorite Biblical heroes. Our Heavenly Father sets the example. One of the most rebellious was considered a "man after God's own heart." David's rebellion was disciplined, but over and over again, God saw the good in him and nurtured him into someone extraordinary. As parents of ADHD kids, we must call on God to help us do the same.

 

[cutie76]

I think it's really great that you're posting an open and honest description of what's going on in your family. I have seen this kind of situation from several angles, and I'd like to recommend prayer. Ask your pastor to pray with you and for you that you and your wife will love and treat your stepson the way God would like you to.

There are two books I highly recommend:

Bringing up Boys by James Dobson
Boundaries with Kids (or with Teens) by Townsend and Cloud

What your wife is doing now may be seen as compassionate, but it is not and will not help him to become a man...which at 11 years old is around the corner. One day, you and she will wake up and he's going to be 18!

Your stepson needs a healthy relationship with you more than you'll ever know, more than he'll admit right now. He may be acting out partially to get your attention! He knows how you feel about him too, which may lead to self hatred...you know those preteen years are full of hormones, which can exaggerate emotions.

The relationship with your stepson and your daughters will also be impacted if he senses favortism. Feelings of "if only I was a girl, they would love me more" creep in there and can destroy a boy's self confidence.

If he likes video games, play some with him - go all out and have fun! If he likes sports, watch them together or throw the ball. Get involved and have fun with him.

Remember - whenever Super Nanny comes to help parents with their unruly kids she spends most of her time with mom and dad. Once you and your wife get on the same page with boundaries he will respond...may not be instantly, but he did not get to this place instantly either.

God Bless you and your family!

 

[mcorton]

I see it's been awhile since this post was commented on do I'm not sure if you are still following it. I have worked with kids with ADHD, and ODD. These are my suggestions.

If your son has a relationship with Christ, Have him learn verses that talk about behavior and respect.

To build your relationship and to help you cope with the negative behaviors, plan activities just the 2 of you can do together. Let him have input into what activities. During this time, model behavior you want him to display. As you have fun together, he'll grow to respect you and want to be like you. As the respect grows, the negative behaviors should decrease and the positive behavior should increase. Also take every oppurtunity to praise him for good behavior and let him know that you and God are proud of him.

I hope this helps and please keep me posted. If you want some one on one help leave me a private message. God bless you.

 

[vespasia]

ADHD combined with either ODD or CD is one of the toughest mixes to parent even for excellent parents. Its almost impossible to do without the parents having access to a wider support network in the form of a caring family; good friends; supportive church; medical back up; school back up and even support from social services/youth services.

You may find it helpful to contact a charity that suports families with such children in your country; this combeination can isolate and leave parents feeling bewildered angry and powerless. They want to love and help their kids but the none stop often challenging behaviours leave them so exhausted they struggle to know where to start.

The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene has been found to be helpful to those doing their best to parent a child who not only kicks bounderies but sets fire to them and then leaps over.

For the record - I would love to place 'super nanny' in charge of a chronic inflexable child with ADHD and CD for a week with no back up hardly any sleep and see how good she looks- its too easy to come in and dump advice on exhausted parents knowing you can go home have a bath and a nice relaxing night.

 

[dabro]

All I can say is I was in your son's shoes both I had a bad stepmom and stepdad. The stepmom loved me and wanted to help me I see that. The dad could care less and they kicked me out of the house 6 month's before I was eighteen, This is going to tear you up but I had to give my body to men that are gay in order to have a home When I turn 20 I went thru a psychosis. It aroused my curiousty to know God. I was beat up spit on my mom showed me the hard way of life and my stepdad only wanted a perfect marriage with his new daughter which I don't even have a relationship with. I would suggest going to therapy for your self. Love him as your own. I'm 25 as you can see. I'm talking to a woman who has a boy and girl. And I would love to give them the life I never had. Yes I had problems that where due to a failed relationship with both parents but I still love them. ADHD is hard to deal with even more so if you don't get him the right help. But I understand that your two daughters are your flesh and blood. Ive been there before. I have OCD and my parents never knew what was wrong with me until it was to late. I'm going to give MY children even if there not my flesh and blood the love I never recieved. It's hard on him and he doesn't realize it. I would suggest to be patient and try not to get angry with no reason. But ya if he's peeing all over the sit and floor he needs to learn better manners. Watch He will be the one that comes out ahead in the end because like me he has endured so much. I believe you that you love him. There's just friction between you and your wife. Thats going to happen. but don't kick him to the curb. I never want any one to go thru what I went thru. I'm praying fot you great dad because you've came here and admitting humbly your faults anf that in itself is praisworthy.