...I just want to scream and never stop screaming.
Do you ever feel okay - a little high, even - and then the next minute feel like killing yourself?
Because that's how I feel right now. Maybe not to the point of actually attempting suicide, but just the feeling of wanting to.
I just got really reminded of 2005. Well, right now, and also earlier this afternoon.
Quick summation for those of you who don't know (and that will be most, if not all of you) - 2005 was the year of my downfall (so to speak). I started cutting in December 2004 and was doing okay in college then (as an eleventh grader... you can imagine the stress - grades are what got me started cutting in the first place... a C)... and my parents found out in June 2005 and sent me to counseling. In July 2005 I developed my ED, and consequently lost 19% of my original body weight. During that autumn, my official freshman year at college (as a senior in high school also; yes, I was a little mixed up
), I basically crashed and burned. Did okay in classes, but cut worse and worse and my relationship with my parents had pretty much deteriorated into hell. Wasn't eating much at all (won't post calories, but it was well under starvation diet amount), was relying on triple strength coffee to quench hunger, and was suicidal. I attempted in November 2005 and that's when I was hospitalized for the first time. Got out after 5 days, relationship with parents was - if possible - even worse, attempted again in January (and no one knew til months later), crashed and REALLY burned in the spring semester - got hospitalized two more times in May 2006, and ended up getting a medical withdrawal from all of my classes, therefore losing 15 credits of work that I had done during the course of the semester.
I hate remembering this stuff. I was filled with anger - towards my family for being so horrible and not understanding, towards my then friend (now fiancé), towards God - and hate - mostly towards God, but also people in general. I looked fine on the outside, minus the many many scars (many of which are just over the artery on my left arm)... yet I was falling apart.
I was majoring in biology, and couldn't handle the stress of all of the science. Everyone in my immediate family majored in biology in college - a bunch of science geeks - so I felt (and still feel) like a failure for not handling it. I switched to psych the following spring, which is where I am now. But this term my best friend switched into biology, and I know she'll excell it in... and another one of my acquaintances is pretty much a legend in some of the intro classes, because of her amazing grades. It hurts... to know that they are doing what I couldn't do. I don't know if I would go back to that or not right now... but I wish I could. I wish I could have that drive back, the desire to be a large-animal vet.
My best friend told me today, "April, you don't have to conquer the world, you know" ... but part of me (most of me actually) rails against the idea that I cannot be good at everything. I can accept that I am no good at math, but to not be good in the discipline in which my whole family did well? That stings. Especially because it was the chemistry that got me, and my sister was a chem major and my dad is a chem prof at the uni I attend. And to have my best friend - the girl I've known for over 10 years - going into that discipline to do the very thing that I wanted to do, and that we planned to do together?
I am hurting. I am hurting. I thought I put all of this behind me... but now, tonight, it's all being brought back to me. The memories of being me I know I can't fully share with you all... but they will remain with me until I die. I can't believe that I survived that period of time. It hurts so badly and I just want to cry... give up... say that this is all too much for me to handle and just stop living. The past hurts. The present hurts. And I am afraid that the future will hurt, too.
I don't know why I posted all of this, except to get it out there and get some support... I feel like a loser for asking for help so much, so please tell me to stop posting too much if I am...
Do you ever feel okay - a little high, even - and then the next minute feel like killing yourself?
Because that's how I feel right now. Maybe not to the point of actually attempting suicide, but just the feeling of wanting to.
I just got really reminded of 2005. Well, right now, and also earlier this afternoon.
Quick summation for those of you who don't know (and that will be most, if not all of you) - 2005 was the year of my downfall (so to speak). I started cutting in December 2004 and was doing okay in college then (as an eleventh grader... you can imagine the stress - grades are what got me started cutting in the first place... a C)... and my parents found out in June 2005 and sent me to counseling. In July 2005 I developed my ED, and consequently lost 19% of my original body weight. During that autumn, my official freshman year at college (as a senior in high school also; yes, I was a little mixed up
), I basically crashed and burned. Did okay in classes, but cut worse and worse and my relationship with my parents had pretty much deteriorated into hell. Wasn't eating much at all (won't post calories, but it was well under starvation diet amount), was relying on triple strength coffee to quench hunger, and was suicidal. I attempted in November 2005 and that's when I was hospitalized for the first time. Got out after 5 days, relationship with parents was - if possible - even worse, attempted again in January (and no one knew til months later), crashed and REALLY burned in the spring semester - got hospitalized two more times in May 2006, and ended up getting a medical withdrawal from all of my classes, therefore losing 15 credits of work that I had done during the course of the semester.I hate remembering this stuff. I was filled with anger - towards my family for being so horrible and not understanding, towards my then friend (now fiancé), towards God - and hate - mostly towards God, but also people in general. I looked fine on the outside, minus the many many scars (many of which are just over the artery on my left arm)... yet I was falling apart.
I was majoring in biology, and couldn't handle the stress of all of the science. Everyone in my immediate family majored in biology in college - a bunch of science geeks - so I felt (and still feel) like a failure for not handling it. I switched to psych the following spring, which is where I am now. But this term my best friend switched into biology, and I know she'll excell it in... and another one of my acquaintances is pretty much a legend in some of the intro classes, because of her amazing grades. It hurts... to know that they are doing what I couldn't do. I don't know if I would go back to that or not right now... but I wish I could. I wish I could have that drive back, the desire to be a large-animal vet.
My best friend told me today, "April, you don't have to conquer the world, you know" ... but part of me (most of me actually) rails against the idea that I cannot be good at everything. I can accept that I am no good at math, but to not be good in the discipline in which my whole family did well? That stings. Especially because it was the chemistry that got me, and my sister was a chem major and my dad is a chem prof at the uni I attend. And to have my best friend - the girl I've known for over 10 years - going into that discipline to do the very thing that I wanted to do, and that we planned to do together?
I am hurting. I am hurting. I thought I put all of this behind me... but now, tonight, it's all being brought back to me. The memories of being me I know I can't fully share with you all... but they will remain with me until I die. I can't believe that I survived that period of time. It hurts so badly and I just want to cry... give up... say that this is all too much for me to handle and just stop living. The past hurts. The present hurts. And I am afraid that the future will hurt, too.
I don't know why I posted all of this, except to get it out there and get some support... I feel like a loser for asking for help so much, so please tell me to stop posting too much if I am...
