Sometimes I lose my temper

[octoberblue]

I am married to a man with two children. He has custody of his children. I have custody of my two children. His ex wife gave him custody of the kids.
It's been two years now, and she still is very nasty to me every chance she gets. She's done horrible things in the beginning that she got into legal trouble for. Recently her verbal attacks are on the rise.
I have lost my temper with her three times in two years. When I lose my cool with her, I feel as if she has gotten what she wants.
I care for her children and we have a good relationship. They really love me, and I love them. They get along with my children too. Our only problems come from their mother.
I try to remember that her hatred stems from jealousy that I am with her kids more than she is.
Even though I've only lost my cool with her three times, trust me, it's been hard not to more often.
Am I a bad Christian for losing my temper? What do you do when someone won't change and you have to deal with them. What do I say to her when she is rude to me? How do I get her to stop being nasty and to keep her focus on the kids? I've tried talking, and just not talking to her. But I am tired of always walking on eggshells.
I'm rambling now. I just feel like I have to be the better person all the time and some days I just want to let her have it. She is the most foul mouthed, hateful, lying and manipulating person I have ever met. I know she takes medication for mental problems and I think she said she is bipolar.
I guess I feel really upset that it looks like for the next 10 yrs at least, until the kids are grown and I have to have contact with her, that it's always going to be like this.
I am resentful of her behavior, and acting as if she had nothing to do with her situation. She voluntarily signed her children over to their dad. She makes remarks all the time as if i am taking her place, when all I do is help my husband with his kids, as he does with mine. I am only doing what any good person would do. And she is perfectly fine when her boyfriend treats her baby (she has a baby with another man, not the boyfriend either) as if it was his own. But she is so possessive of her children and doesn't want any other woman to love them.
Thanks for reading. It helps just getting it out. I do have a husband who is a great dad to his kids. He is very involved in their lives, and she has even said he married me just for them to have a mom. But I know that's not true, he does everything he did before we got married, plus more.

 

[Elijah2]

Hi OB,

I will answer you thread, but, I need some more information to understand the circumstances.

Now I guess your new husband is a Christian?

Is his ex-wife a Christian?

Are you divorced as well?

You do realise that such problems that you are experiencing can be much deeper than just a worldly spat?

If you are both divorced, then how long have you both been divorced?

Did you live in a relationship before you both remarried?

What country do you live in?

 

[Onlythingavailable]

I think that's just how it is when people divorce and re-marry. It doesn't matter how many papers she has signed, it probably still hurts her to see another acting as her children's mother. Maybe some can cope with it, maybe some can't. It doesn't help that she appears to be quite mean, though.

I don't know what to suggest except to keep trying to be kind. I know she doesn't make it easy, but maybe in the future your behavior will rub off on her. I also suggest praying for her and that her heart would be softened. I've found praying for those who upset me softens my heart as well.

 

[setmeonfire]

What do you do when someone won't change and you have to deal with them

how did god change saul from murdering christians to being apostle to the gentiles? encounter with christ. pray that christ would meet her on whatever road shes on. remember that no matter how try we cant change anyone unless god is in the other person and showing them they need to change.....good luck

 

[abbasdaughter]

I think any answer to you will probably seem real trite in the midst of your circumstances. This is a BIG situation and it is understandable that you would be angry and frustrated. I'm not sure I know very many people (if they are honest) that wouldn't be feeling like that. I get angry at people and circumstances. I just do it internally! That's not better. So know that getting angry doesn't make you a bad christian - it just proves your humanity!

I can tell you a few things that have worked for me. Building solid fences helps. Sounds like you do that. Don't let her play in your yard if she's being mean. Ask God to help you speak the truth in love. For instance, I think God is okay with saying, "I would love to come to a solution on this problem, but until you can speak to me with a civil tone, I can't talk with you. It causes me to sin." I've even stopped people mid-sentence who have been angry and said, "let me just pray with you about this right now." (They either get stunned and quiet, or completely lose it!) If you want to get REALLY radical, you can ask God to give you a love that flows through you to them even if they refuse to receive it. I pray that God controls my tone, my body language and my facial expressions. We can love our enemies without making concessions that are damaging to our families.

One last thing - if most of the communication can be done through your husband - that would be the best. He is your head and really, since the children are his first, He probably should handle things with her. He may already being do that... just a thought.

I'll pray for you, my sister. You are between THE Rock and a hard place! God bless... abbasdaughter

 

[octoberblue]

Thank you for reading my post and the advice you all have given me.

My husband was baptized when he was very young, 8yrs old I think. I was saved and baptized in 2002. I am not sure that his ex accepted Jesus as her savior but she does believe in God. She is good at quoting bible verses.
We both divorced, and he was separated 3 yrs and divorced 1yr before we got married. We've been together for 2.5 years now.
I just need to get things off my chest sometimes. My husband is used to the way she is, and it seems to roll right off his back. I am still shocked at how hateful she can be. Not just toward me, but everyone.
I have to remember that she did say she has some mental health problems and when I try to remember that, it helps me be more patient with her. Thanks again for your kind words.

 

[Lisa0315]

OctoberBlue,
I agree with the other posters. This is an opportunity for you to show this woman Christ in all things that you say and do.

Do not verbally match words with her. Just do this: When she starts going off the deep end, just tell her, <gasp!> "I love you as Christ loves you", and REFUSE to participate in a verbal confrontation with her.

Instead of "competing" with her, and I know you are not competing with her, but she is competing with you, turn it around on her, and return abuse with kindness. Invite her over. Invite her to the kid's events. Invite her to be part of your family, and invite her to church.

Legally, she has no recourse. You are on solid ground. You can afford to be generous to her. Your husband will think you are a saint, and I promise, so will your children. No matter how much they love you, they love her also, and it hurts them to see the two of you battle over them.

I hope this helps.

Lisa

 

[Tinkerbell33]

Hi,
My mum has bi-polar and I do lose my temper with her a lot which makes me feel guilty. It's hard to deal with someone who is bi-polar, I know, but I love my mum and I feel bad when I shout at her.
Her condition disables her and it hurts me to see her so depressed. People with bi- polar have two personalities - they can sometimes be happy and loving and the next moment cold and harsh. You are not a bad person for losing your temper but I think that you try to understand this person's situation more - she is ill. Maybe you should try and find out about bi-polar, if she is not seeeing a counsellor she should be. Her behaviour might influence the childrens behavious so she needs therapy, my mum has been recieving therapy and their has been such an improvement, her bi-polar has had an effect on me and i have realised that i act like her sometimes - which is not good.
I will pray to God for you, that you will be more patient, and that your situation will improve.
God bless,
Becky.

 

[Lisa0315]

Hi,
My mum has bi-polar and I do lose my temper with her a lot which makes me feel guilty. It's hard to deal with someone who is bi-polar, I know, but I love my mum and I feel bad when I shout at her.
Her condition disables her and it hurts me to see her so depressed. People with bi- polar have two personalities - they can sometimes be happy and loving and the next moment cold and harsh. You are not a bad person for losing your temper but I think that you try to understand this person's situation more - she is ill. Maybe you should try and find out about bi-polar, if she is not seeeing a counsellor she should be. Her behaviour might influence the childrens behavious so she needs therapy, my mum has been recieving therapy and their has been such an improvement, her bi-polar has had an effect on me and i have realised that i act like her sometimes - which is not good.
I will pray to God for you, that you will be more patient, and that your situation will improve.
God bless,
Becky.

My husband is also bipolar. It is not easy to care about someone who seemingly doesn't care about themselves. My husband can be very self-destructive. He is much better since the docs got all of his meds regulated. I lose it with him sometimes too so don't beat yourself up for it.

Lisa

 

[Elijah2]

Thank you for reading my post and the advice you all have given me.

My husband was baptized when he was very young, 8yrs old I think. I was saved and baptized in 2002. I am not sure that his ex accepted Jesus as her savior but she does believe in God. She is good at quoting bible verses.
We both divorced, and he was separated 3 yrs and divorced 1yr before we got married. We've been together for 2.5 years now.
I just need to get things off my chest sometimes. My husband is used to the way she is, and it seems to roll right off his back. I am still shocked at how hateful she can be. Not just toward me, but everyone.
I have to remember that she did say she has some mental health problems and when I try to remember that, it helps me be more patient with her. Thanks again for your kind words.

Now this battle that is going on isn't just a normal worldly spat, it can also be spiritual.

Many Christians tend to forget that all around us Satan's forces in the spiritual realm. Now we don't have look far to have an experience with them. They are everyhwere, everywhere, like "Chicken-man!"

Mental health problems can cause much pain.

I will send you a prayer via PM.

 

[octoberblue]

I can't send PM's yet but someone is trying to understand what he thinks the real problem is and mentioned that both my husband and I are divorced, and what happened to those vows we made to our ex spouses.

I was saved in 2000, and when I got married, I was a Christian. I wasn't a Christian when I married my ex and neither was he.
My husband now stayed with his ex wife for ten years and throughout their marriage she was unfaithful to him. She was not sorry for being unfaithful and continued up until a month before they divorced.
I know that under those circumstances, my husband was taught that he could divorce. It was not his first choice. They separated toward the end, while she went to live with a boyfriend and eventually came back but the cheating didn't stop.
As far as him being allowed to remarry with God's blessings, I can't be sure. I believe he has God's blessings but if he doesn't, that would be between him and God.
All I wanted was to get this off my chest. I know why she is hateful toward me. She has had a new baby with another man, and she is now dating a married man and she does not hide it. She is not happy and my husband was a good husband to her. She probably realizes she made a mistake and is lashing out at me. And she also lashes out at me because she is insecure of the relationship she has with her children. Deep down, I believe she knows where she could do better and she perceives me as being a better mother to her children. And that threatens her. However, I am my husband's helper and I am here to help him in any way I can. His children have been a blessing in my life and my children's lives.
I will never be unfaithful to my husband and I will never do anything to hurt our family and our children.
If my husband was perfect, I'm sure he would have figured out a way to live with a wife who was unfaithful to him, but from what I know, being cheated on is very, very painful.

 

[Tinkerbell33]

Yes it all sounds like you need to move from the past and focus on the future, I think your husband needs to talk to his ex on his own - because if both you and your husband try to talk to her tne she might feel intimidated.

Your husband must be glad to have a wife like you, a wife who is faithful and devoted the opposite of his ex. But you shouldnt try and use that against his ex - i think she might be hurting and feeling insecure.

We are Christians and the world hates us - if we are a friend of the wrold we are an enemy of God. We will always encounter people who are hateful towards us but we must keep showing them kindness - if we expect and want them to be kind then we must show an example - your kindness is showing her up and she feels embarrassed maybe to the point that she might change her ways. But even if she doesnt you need to just accept her, its not really her fault, its mainly because of her illness, maybe you should pray for her. People with bi-polar have a very tough time, have you researched it?

Jesus had to cope with those who hated him and led him to his death, he continued to show his love for him, his love was unconditional, he is the true example.
Anyway, im babbling on, hope this has helped, i will pray for you,
Becky.

 

[octoberblue]

My dh and I are living in the present and looking toward the future.
His ex has also moved on relationship wise but when she is feeling insecure, she sure does know how to push buttons. She's the best at it.
My husband has already had talks with her and now we both just try to change the subject or gently remind her we're not going to argue about the past with her and if she wants to hurl insults, we can end the discussion and take it up later.
It never changes though. I just have to come to terms that I'll be her punching bag as long as she is miserable. Or at least she thinks I am her punching bag. Most of the time it doesn't get to me, and when it does, I feel as if that 's what she wants, and it makes her feel better.
Well I know it makes her feel better.
Thank you for the support.

 

[octoberblue]

Update: Things are much, much calmer now.