Something I've noticed on this board

[MusicMelOU]

I posted this as a reply too, but I thought I would make it as a seperate thread because I think it will spark some good discussion.

I am really tired of whenever a person comes to the board asking for advice on a potential problem in a relationship, everyone else says "well this shouldn't be a problem, so the best thing to do is to get out". To me, really the only case where we can say that and know that it is truly what God wants is when a believer is in a relationship with a non-believer (since that is stated very clearly in scripture). But when we're dealing with relationships between believers, who are we to tell them to get out? It seems like that is the common response given by a lot of people whenever another believer comes to the board with a less-than-perfect situation.

The truth is that NO relationship with another human being will ever be perfect; we're all gonna have our arguments, problems, and many of us will fall into temptation and sin along the way in a relationship. As well as it could be God's will that the couple needs to split up, God could also be using this hardship to strengthen the couple (because if something bad happens, getting through it together with God could be God's way of deepening the focus of God in the relationship since it will require a reliance on God). The bottom line is we simply don't know what God wants in these situations.

I think the better thing to do is to keep the persons involved in our prayers and to encourage them to have an honest heart to heart with God about what should be done. If we tell someone to get out of a relationship due to somethign that can be worked out, they may mistakenly do so without even thinking about asking God simply because other Christians say so (this goes vice versa as well for telling someone to stay in a relationship).

My humble opinion...any thoughts to add/rebute?

 

[IslandBreeze]

Some of us who have dated a bit, and gotten burned know the warning signs to look for. There have been several huge warning signs from people who don't have a clue about the person they're dating. Sometimes, in those situations, getting out really is the best option.

 

[Katty]

Sometimes, the "potential" problem IS the problem. Human-to-human relationships will never be picture-perfect (take a look at Barbie and Ken ) and we all know that. People here have had similiar situations and with those past experiences, I so hope that it brings some level of "wisdom" when it comes to dealing with "matters of the heart." When someone posts on here, they won't always hear the "truth" that they wanna hear... they'll hear the actual truth about the reality of their situation... but then again, this is just my honest opinion. *shrugs*

~Katty~

 

[mathias1979]

I do get frustrated when I see people's advice to just get out of a relationship. There should always be a disclaimer that the person asking for advice carefully considers all the responses and makes the decision for themselves.

-Matt

 

[MusicMelOU]

Yeah, but just because we got burned in our situations does not mean that another person's situation is exactly the same as ours. I don't think it's so much our job to give people advice simply because we had a similar situation, but to point people to God (whetehr is be through the Bible or just encouragement or whatever). To me, it's cool to tell someone "well I went through this and I did this and it worked out" but NOT cool to be like "well this happened to me and I did this and it worked out so YOU should do it too".

 

[Katty]

No one's forcing anyone to "break things up" with anyone. The final step always lays on that person alone. Whether they themselves seek out God or not, thats on them. Sometimes its just a precaution to step away from situations that already seem fishy.... or if the problem already seems or better yet, is evident... other times, its just plain common sense that things aren't adding up. When you put 2 and 2 together, I so hope you come up with 4. Anyone can come on here and ask for advice regarding their situations but the advice given will always be from someone else's perspective and whether you agree with it or not, thats up to you to decide... you walk away with what you decide to take.

~Katty~

 

[Koop]

why do so many of dr laura's "patients" hate her? Advice given on a situation you know almost nothing about to people you don't konw is never a good idea to take very seriously. It's alright to get other opinions. The thing I don't like about many of the posts on this board is that the opinions are stated as facts of life or even God's chosen word revield through the poster. And we know how often that really happens.... If you wanna help share your expeince, don't tell people what to do.

 

[jepvc4]

The way I see it, is you either take a risk at something that's better than being single, or you run away from it because you don't want to take the chance. And yes, when you risk feelings, emotions, focus on God, etc., in a relationship, there are definate times when you're going to pay for that risk. However, the biggest thing to weigh is what is the ultimate payout is going to be; can you and the other person work things out rationally, and strive for perfection, even when you know that sometimes it won't be perfect?

I'll relate it to Christianity itself, which is a commitment as well. Do we say, "Well, things aren't working the way I want them to, and this is hard, and I'm getting hurt. I mess up, and things get messed up, so I'll just quit and run away." That's not the attitude we should have, because we know sometimes things will be hard and that we'll be hurt and we'll screw things up, but it's about what your ultimate motivation is.

Going back to relationships, I don't think the advice to stay away from relationships isn't always bad. If you look at both person's maturity levels, their walk with Christ, and what their motivations really are (and sometimes people don't outright know what their own motivations are, so they should really search things out), and things don't look like they're complimenting each other, then maybe its not time for a relationship. You can however, if you really want to have a relationship with said person, work on moving yourself and him or her to a point where a relationship has the right motivation and both people are in a state where they can be God honoring.

If you're already in a relationship, then something obviously brought you together in the first place. If you are both Christians, then try to work things out, and try to grow the relationship in the direction it needs to go TOGETHER, as opposed to APART. A relationship between a man and a woman is complimentary, and should grow and change together, not independent of each partner. If one person won't change, views don't compliment, or what have you, then that would be grounds for seperation. Once again however, if you are both Christian, strive hard to work things out together if you still do care about the person. Only if after fighting for a relationship you realize that the relationship is moving apart despite your own best efforts, then seperate. We are responsible ultimately for our own life, and cannot control others.

 

[jepvc4]

Oh, and on people giving advice based upon previous experience, I think the best way to do that would be to state your own previous experience, how you think it might relate to what the other person is experiencing, and leave it at that. All Christian's have God's Spirit inside them, don't assume there's no hope of wisdom just because somebody made a mistake.

 

[LadyBird]

I just wanted to add something.

When a person comes to a public message board to ask for advice, they don't have to listen to what others say. When I ask for "advice," I am more so looking for support or possible solutions to issues or ideas...I take it like a grain of salt...because it is just their opinion, it does not mean it is right. I listen to what God wants me to do...not what others think...I just like to hear peoples opinions on the situation.

While I do agree with your idea on how people should not respond in such ways as we don't know what God wants in these situations, I do think it is helpful for others to share their similar experiences as to how everything worked out.

Sometimes, being blunt about issues is good IMO. Would it be good for a person to stay in an abusive relationship where their life is in danger? NO WAY!!! Thus, in certain situations, I think that it is appropriate to give someone such advice.

In the end, a person will ultimately do what they want to do...whether or not they have been influenced by others...they will do what they want and hopefully will do what the Lord wants them to do. I believe that we are as influenced by people as we let ourselves be...we allow ourselves to be influenced (negativley or positively) by people, it is our choice.

I do think there are nice ways and less harsh ways in letting someone know warning signs rather than just coming out and tellling a person to "get out, get out now!"

 

[DaveKerwin]

when advice is given telling people to break up, the underlying assumption is that the person with the problem wants to honor God. Many times closing the book is the best option. History, in and of itself, is not enough reason to contiue in a failing dating relationship.

 

[jepvc4]

Pardon this analogy everyone, but I'll relate a relationship to a car. Just because the timing belt broke, doesn't mean that I'm going to buy a whole new Jeep, because I really like my Jeep, and I'm going to keep it unless I absolutely am forced to get rid of it. If however down the road, after trying to fix a problem that keeps reoccuring, or I total my Jeep, then I'll look for a new car. But if I can fix the problem and get the Jeep running like it is supposed to, I'm sticking with my Jeep.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Well, you're gonna get a lot of different responses from people. Some have good things to say and some, you'll just have to pass by. It's a part of an internet forum.
For the most part everyone means well.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Pardon this analogy everyone, but I'll relate a relationship to a car. Just because the timing belt broke, doesn't mean that I'm going to buy a whole new Jeep, because I really like my Jeep, and I'm going to keep it unless I absolutely am forced to get rid of it. If however down the road, after trying to fix a problem that keeps reoccuring, or I total my Jeep, then I'll look for a new car. But if I can fix the problem and get the Jeep running like it is supposed to, I'm sticking with my Jeep.

ah yes, the sell jeep analogy really hits home with me. It was a failing investment in an 89 wrangler, so I bailed. but of course I bought an old toyota, and the timing chain went, but since I was able to fix it, it is now repaired. If it does it again, then I need to find a different vehicle that works better with me, not gonna put good money after bad. Likewise, not gonna invest good resources in an unequal and failing relationship.

jepvc4, sell the jeep man, its all downhill from here. I used to think I was gonna keep mine forever too

 

[jepvc4]

Well I'm not about to sell the Jeep, because it's running just fine right now, and though high mileage, is still running strong .

 

[MusicMelOU]

Haha timing belts need to be replaced periodically anyway. That's just a natural part of owning a car; same with the tires. This could go back to the relationship analogy; there will always be periodic issues that come up in any relationship, whether we like it or not, and those can be used to help "renew" our faith in God if the relationship is a good God honoring one.

 

[SirKenin]

I notice that alot with christian, non-christian relationships. What disturbs me is that the Bible provides for that type of relationship, showing that it's not a sin, and that they should stick with them as they don't know if they will lead their spouse to Christ.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes the advice clearly goes against the Bible. It is those times where I think it would be better and nicer to not say anything. I don't believe anyone comes here to get "leave your spouse" advice. I'm sure they could have figured that out for themselves ya know?

 

[katelyn]

I notice that alot with christian, non-christian relationships. What disturbs me is that the Bible provides for that type of relationship, showing that it's not a sin, and that they should stick with them as they don't know if they will lead their spouse to Christ.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes the advice clearly goes against the Bible. It is those times where I think it would be better and nicer to not say anything. I don't believe anyone comes here to get "leave your spouse" advice. I'm sure they could have figured that out for themselves ya know?

Yeah, but this is the courting couples forum, not the marriage forum. Leaving your boyfriend or girlfriend is way different than leaving your spouse. And sometimes, especially for those new to relationships, it can be hard to realize when a relationship is over, and you actually need to hear someone else say it. (I speak from experience on that one!)

I'm not saying that leaving is the cure-all for relationship problems. But dating is a time when you are trying to determine whether you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with the person, and sometimes the answer is no.

 

[SirKenin]

Yes, katelyn, I agree that sometimes the answer is a resounding no. Very right you are. What I'm stating is that some of the advice offered is based upon a false premise. It is during those times that I believe that it's better not to say anything (and yes, as horribly hard as it is for me, sometimes I really have to bite my tongue. Actually, I could do better at it than I do).