Something I'm struggling with :(

[NotworthyofHim]

Well, here's the thing.. This is kind of hard to explain but here goes. So I kind of had a falling out and reverted back to my old ways of sinning, for multiple reasons. But I think the main cause was because I didn't properly listen to God, I held onto a grudge and I went downhill it seemed from there. I don't know if you can call it a grudge per sei, more or less. What happened is I had a few friends, and one of them said to the other she was shown that I was gay. Now, my first reaction was no I'm not, because I don't long to be with men. One of them confronted me with it, and told me that they were no longer my friend and that I was and I needed to look inside of myself to see that. I was deeply hurt, deeply. I was hurt so bad. I was like oh my gosh how can someone do this to me! I was upset. Instead of seeking God about this, I kept saying to myself in not gay. Now all of a sudden I was starting to see satans lies as truth, and started to believe all of this stuff like bad things about myself, and I was just so hurt I didn't want to do anything anymore. All of a sudden I lost any and all motivation to serve God, and was just a total mess. I was then told that I need to let go of this, shamefully not one but twice. That was like 4 years ago. Now that I have forgiven finally, and have a clearer mind I knew what they were talking about. I'm not gay in the sense I desire to be with other men, but in the sense that, and I'm not joking, I have felt feminine ever since I was a kid. Yes, we're talking like hating being a guy, hating having guy "equipment" at like age 5, pretty much before I was even introduced to God. Maybe because my sisters used to dress me up, make up and all as a little kid. I don't know, but I've always felt closer to girls than boys. Not to mention pretty much every grade I've ever been in I have been bullied by guys and not girls, maybe this also has something to do with it. Anyways I believe that's what was being talked about. I'm ok I mean I'm not overly feminine, and I think part of the thing that contributes to that today is my anxiety and depression. Like I laugh when I'm nervous, get anxious over simple things, I cry a LOT! Just things like that. I'm not overly feminine though and I know it would please God to just stay as a man because that's how He made me, so I never had any surgery or anything. I felt it would be offensive to God. I had an experience a few years ago where I.. This is really hard so please don't judge me, slept with a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Never done it again since, and didn't really enjoy it. I think part of the reason was because I didn't put two and two together at that time and maybe wanted to see if really was gay? Anyway if Idve listened to God and just let go of what was said about me I think I would have been ok, but I sadly didn't. I'm sorry God please don't judge me, it's really hard being honest with yourself sometimes. Anyway I think while I have a personality that doesn't scream masculine, I'm not really feminine except again, crying a lot and stuff. I have repented because I obviously feel awful. I can't change the past and I'm hoping in some way God can use my past to help others eventually. I have repented but I just feel awful about it. And it is so hard being honest with myself, I have a pride problem I think too, which helped with my falling down. I'm determined to get back up, but part of the reason I don't think I did was because I shut myself off to other Christians and pretty much everyone at that point. Hopefully God will just keep working with me, and I can move forward to serve Him. Maybe someone had a similar experience? I now have given that grudge to God, and I now call myself a Strong Man of God. And I'm working on changing to please Him more. Please pray for me. Thank you all brothers and sisters

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I'm sure I'll get in trouble with this. Sorry mods, but I don't think I can adhere to the rules with this reply:

If religion wasn't standing in your way, would you, if ever possible, go through a transition to become a female? Or would you rather be unhappy the way you are?

Just because someone is a transgender does NOT mean they're gay.

2 to 5% of people identify as transgender.

Either way, I suggest seeing a therapist.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Truthfully, if I had only 1 life to live, and that was it.. I think I would want to. It's not that I'm severely unhappy, I do wish I was born female but.. I think I'm pretty happy right now, I'm married to a beautiful wife, it still kind of lingers I think, but I put it in the back of my mind and think about it as little as possible. I do need some serious therapy i think. I will look for a therapist tomorrow I think. I really almost am afraid to open up it seems, I'm kinda scared I think to look deeper. I have gone through some pretty rough stuff, since around 20, so about the last 8-9 years have been super hard. including severe depression, cutting myself, etc. And the truth is I've denied myself for so long who knows what I've got lurking down inside myself. Ya know what, I'm getting some therapy! Thank you for your suggestion

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Basically what I was saying was that I have sinned greatly against God. And I'm having a hard time letting this go. And of course satan is saying these like you can't be forgiven, and God is mad and doesn't want anything to do with you, etc. Having a hard time. While i feel i would be happier as a female, God in all of His Infinite wisdom has made me a male. So... Praise God! Not really sure why but, He knows better than me. Also I was reading last night and I ran into the verse about Paul saying effeminate men will not be let into heaven. And I am kind of bothered by it. Because my personality is who I am. And then I started to think.. Am I effeminate? And I just told God just change me in the way you want me to be. After all we are all called to serve the Almighty. I just hope I'm not offending God by doing things like crying often, and with my anxiety etc

 

[chaoticfirefly]

May I ask why you think it's a sin?

There's nothing wrong with crying-male or female. It's a very healthy and natural thing to do. It's not "girly" or anything. There's nothing wrong with doing things that are traditionally considered feminine, in fact, there's nothing wrong with femininity.

Are you effeminate? I don't know. I've long since thrown out the idea of feminine vs masculine. I'd consider you a human being doing human stuff.

Good luck in therapy. Be honest with your potential therapist.

 

[GenetoJean]

Please go see a therapist. I would suggest one that speculizes in gender identity. They can be religious or not; I just dont like seeing people hate themselves. I will be praying for you.

 

[Criada]

I agree, you need to see a therapist and explore the issue.
The verse about 'effeminate men' is an old and inaccurate translation - it's been translated in various ways, but I think the original meaning had to do with temple prostitutes, so don't worry about that.

As for the rest, God not only forgives us when we repent, he makes us righteous - he doesn't see your past sin, so you don't need to keep looking back. It's satan who condemns, God convicts us to bring us to repentance, but once we repent it's over, he will never remind us of what is gone.

Praying for you

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Jesus has already forgiven you for your sins when you repented. We are not faithful and just, but Jesus is. Cling to His promises and Word. It is truth, it cannot be untrue.

1 John 1:9
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

 

[jennimatts]

I just hope I'm not offending God by doing things like crying often...

Jesus cried too.

Luke 19:41 And when he was come near, he beheld the city, and wept over it...
John 11:35 Jesus wept.

 

[Restoresmysoul]

Crying is good. I often find Gods mercy in sorrow and tears. Jesus was a man who knew sorrow. Its good to cry to God.