Something brewing.

[berry2000]

I can't quite put my finger on it. That's usually a bad sign. Something has me upset. I hope it's not an excuse for the summer depression to start. It doesn't happen every year. But it can be a really big problem if it gets out of control too fast. I know i have too much stress just not quite sure what to do about.

I was suppose to go to New York for a funeral/memorial service. My flight got delayed and would therefore miss my connecting flight and therefore miss the funeral. I was really looking forward to seeing all my family on the east coast and now i had to cancel the whole trip. But instead of feeling bad about it, which i know i do, i feel numb. Like i don't care...but i know i do care and i'm really upset about it but i just can't get it out. And there's more to it than that. Something big, and sad, and unhappy about my life in general. LIving 3000 miles from my family, always being poor despite working a full time job, marriage strain/fighting, hating my job. It seems like it's all crashing together into one big ball of unhappiness. And that is scary.

 

[Jeshu]

Yes depression brings us many challenges. Even turning relationships into unfulfilled and argumentative ones. Please seek His love to repair the damage done, if at all possible, before the next depression attacks you. As a stable relationship is far more useful than a failed one.

I pray that you will stay on top of it.

 

[searchingforpeace]

You are in my prayers. It is the worst when we can't figure out exactally what is going on. I know that numb feeling all too well. It is good that you are seeing there is an issue going on. Keep praying. Talk to your doc. And let us know how you are doing. *hugs*

 

[Alive again]

Praying!!! Grieving the death of a loved one, esp when far from extended family can be a big challenge. I am glad you are self aware and watching yourself carefully. Also remember to give yourself the space to work through this as well as not risking a big or difficult mood swing. In short version, give yourself some good self care! I am so glad you are posting here! It is so upsetting/frustrating/weird how this illness can just mess with our feelings and overall outlook on life so much. My greatest successes in these times have come from dwelling on, speaking out the truth from God's word. (in addition to meds, therapy, etc) I am loved. I am precious. I know I feel like everything is ____, but I know God is here and in control and taking care of me and all the details of my life, etc etc etc until those old feelings just fade away. Just remember this loss and the trip cancellation are huge disappointments and remember to grieve that and connect with your family in any way you can to help with that process.

 

[berry2000]

Thanks for your support.

Alive again, you are so right. They are huge dissapointments. I am seeing that now is what is "brewing". Instead of acknolwedging it and dealing with it in a healthy way I am trying to go on "as if". Greiving anything is one of the hardest things, due to a tramatic ungreived loss as a child. But trying to press on as if is not working. I am totally numb. Hubby keeps asking "what is wrong"....dugh....can't he figure that out? Why do i always have to spell things out? Also he is treating the weekend like any other weekend. Going out with friends and taking advantage of the fact that i am home. Leaving me to watch the kids. I am so numb he keeps asking me questions and i keep telling him "i don't care". Because i don't my depression has made me totally numb to everything. And i feel angry about my life too. Numb and angry. How sad.

 

[Alive again]

Sometimes I am truly amazed at how dense our dh's can be. Just went thru an episode of that with my hubby as well. SIGH!!!

 

[berry2000]

You make me feel a lot better with your response. Thank you. I can see...that you do understand. Sometimes the relief we feel when someone understands our situation is more valuable than words can express.

I think i am going to politely decline going to my mother-in-laws for dinner. I tired of going to dinner there. And i'm sad to be away from my side of the family. I feel it will only rub salt in the wound. Also whenever i go there and i'm down i feel like i'm being judged as being mentally weak, spiritually inferior, and overall pathetic. It just sours my mood even further and I don;t want that. I know it will be a fight...as he will not want ot explain why i am not there. But at this point i think it is a fight i'm willing to have for some peace and quiet so i can relax and sort through some of these thoughts and feelings.

I am skimming thru this book...Battlefield of the Mind...and i find it discouraging. Like i should have more control over my thoughts and feelings. i don't think the author understands mental illness. Perhaps i will put the book aside for now.

 

[Alive again]

Sounds like you are doing very good self care and honoring your needs and using healthy boundaries. Hopefully dh will not push it and can easily explain your grief. I am sad for your loss and for the loss of your time with your family. But I an just as sad that for us, these happenings can be destabilizing at times. I had a wonderful day Friday and could not sleep past 4 am this am, and so I am not sure how I will do handling this next week. Sometimes it is frustrating because it seems like it takes so little with this illness to offset us. And yet when we deal with the big stuff, like losses such as yours we somehow forget to allow ourselves to experience normal emotions, for fear it is our moods happening or that this more difficult incident will destabilize us. {Not even sure that made any sense as I am so tired } And then when it brings up all the old issues and relationship stuff. . .sigh! Sometimes I think my numb helps me not have to deal with it. . .but I forget that it can be dealt with in smaller chunks and in a "healthy" manner. Not sure I have how to do that yet. . .but I, like you, am trying to learn and grow. Know that I am praying for you. May God carry the burdens and comfort you and restore you, but most importantly keep you safe and heal you thru His wisdom and love. May God battle for your relationship with your hubby and help him to become the man of God He created him to be. May God help to take captive your thoughts and renew your mind in Christ Jesus. These are prayers I pray for myself during some of my numb times.

 

[berry2000]

Yes the illness makes it hard to discern what is happening.

I got my evening alone. Actually was exactly what i need to refresh my body and get my head on straight.

I am not having an episode so to speak. I am, as you say, greiving. Greiving the loss of my trip. The loss of family time together, which i get so little of these days. The loss of the opportunity to see extended family that gathers so infrequently.

And most importantly the loss of a chance to be with my family at the grave site where not only my Nana is burried but also my father. Truly i was hoping to recreate, what happened when i was too little to participate. To grieve with those same people in that same place, where 28 years ago my father's funeral and burial happened. When i was too young to partipate and understand.

And so the grief is great. What i will do with it i am not sure. But atleast i know what it is. That is a start.

 

[Alive again]

yes, you are doing well. I am thankful to hear that you got your evening alone. Know grief takes time! And happens in many stages and ways. Know it may seem to be okay for periods and then come back. Know that you are a strong woman and you will find the way that works for you. Grief can be experienced in different ways by different people. So just keep doing what you are doing. Speaking the truth about what you are feeling and keeping healthy boundaries to allow yourself the things you need for self care and grieving! Hugs and prayers