Social Media and boundaries

[akmom]

I am curious about people's opinions on what kinds of boundaries are generally accepted in social media "friending." I have mainly friended family members and friends, mostly extended family and old friends, because it feels odd to communicate via Facebook with people I see regularly in person.

I do have a number of fellow parents, whose children attend school with mine, and staff members whom I know outside of the school, as Facebook friends. And I can see that many of them are "friends" with my children's teachers. I personally have not friended any of my children's teachers, because it feels intrusive. Here, you see my kids all day, now have a look at all these pictures of what they after school! Let me see everything you're doing other than teaching my kids! I do really like all my kids' teachers. And I volunteer in many of the classrooms regularly. However, I don't know any of them outside of the classroom, and I guess it just seems like an invasion of privacy to mix the two environments on Facebook.

Today I received a "friend suggestion" from another parent for one of the teachers. I ignored it, but did wonder if it might come across as offensive for me to have some staff as friends (because I know them personally and they don't teach my children) and not others. Would this ever be interpreted as a slight? The other thing that threw me off a little is that a staff member who is a Facebook friend, but not my child's teacher, contacted me personally via Facebook private message about a behavioral issue for a child who was temporarily in my care (at the time). I didn't get the message until several hours after school because I hadn't been on Facebook, and assumed if there was something I needed to know that I would get a phone call. It really surprised me that she would attempt to contact me that way. And it makes me wonder, is this a new way to communicate with parents? Is not friending teachers on Facebook the modern equivalent of not having a phone? I just assumed I'm not missing anything because it's a social platform. But perhaps it has become much more.

 

[Paidiske]

I found it's become much more, to the point where I had to join to be in the loop with various things (including school things). It's not my contact medium of choice, but it is for other people now.

 

[Sabertooth]

I don't use FB very much, but I created three FB identities for three different purposes.

• Family (and friends, IRL),
• Hobby [Action figures & figure drawing], and
• Philosophy (including Theology, neuro-psychology, linguistics, etc.).

With few exceptions, none of my connections in one group is interested in the content of my other two groups.

I have created separate email addresses in the same fashion.

 

[Dave-W]

I hate the pressure to join social media. I left a previous forum board (Christianity dot com/Salem communication) because they folded the entire board (111,000 members) into FB.

But now all my kids are on FB and SC, our congregation is on FB and Twit, (just appointed a new social media coordinator) and the only way to contact certain ministers I find on line is via their FB account.

So far I have not caved in, but the pressure is building to do so.

 

[turkle]

My rule is that I friend only family and real friends. Some of my husband's employees sent me requests, but I did not accept them because we believe that work and personal life should be kept separate. In your shoes I would do the same thing with teachers. They need to have personal lives without parents watching, and potentially disapproving what they say or do. And so do you.

Facebook groups are different though. If you have a class or school group, everyone can gather to talk about school topics without getting into each others' business. The same goes for any other group. I don't think that there should be a feeling of pressure for direct friends though. The whole point of friends on FB is that we can choose whom we will and will not allow into our direct social circle.

 

[akmom]

DaveW, that defeats the point in forums if you attach it to a real Facebook identity!

How can you get advice on real life issues if your identity is known? I can't say, "How should I deal with my horrible boss?" or "What should I do with these really ugly shoes I got for Christmas?" when the people in my life can see it. I don't think some people know that any comment you make on a Facebook post gets broadcasted to all your friends. It doesn't show up on your own newsfeed, so it's hard to tell who sees it.

Turkle, I wish we could choose who can "follow" our page. When I post pictures of my kids, it's really intended for extended family. I don't mean to plaster those things all over *everyone's* pages. I don't mind if they go to my page and intentionally see it, but I don't really want it "broadcasted," you know?

I hate that part of it. But I love that I can so easily stay connected to family that I cannot visit. And it makes such a perfect memorial for those who have died... you can share memories or pictures of them long after the initial death and their friends will see it and get to comment and share as well. It's a wonderful platform; I just hate that it broadcasts everything you do to everyone, and that there's this pressure to consolidate everything else with Facebook. I don't want my whole life wrapped up in one very public medium... that is such an invasion of privacy!

 

[Dave-W]

DaveW, that defeats the point in forums if you attach it to a real Facebook identity!

How can you get advice on real life issues if your identity is known? I can't say, "How should I deal with my horrible boss?" or "What should I do with these really ugly shoes I got for Christmas?" when the people in my life can see it. I don't think some people know that any comment you make on a Facebook post gets broadcasted to all your friends.

There were many members who made that exact argument and probably left that forum. The staff tried to reassure them that would not happen, but I saw no way for that to be prevented.

I left. I have no idea how many actually stayed with them.

 

[Swan7]

This may or may not answer your question, but I have had a Facebook account since about 2009. I only joined because my sister was telling me how "great" it was to keep in contact with those you don't see very often. I had a Myspace account then and was reluctant to leave it, but eventually I did. Now I can't even delete Facebook. I can't even delete the LinkedIn account either. This really bothers me.

Anyway, I made the mistake of adding my boss as a friend when she requested. I later very much regretted that and used what I posted against me. It got so bad that I almost sent a private investigator after her. She made it her mission that I could not get a job anywhere. But God had other plans for me.

Use discernment in all you do. If you're ever unsure about anything. Ask God first!

 

[Sabertooth]

@Swan7, I don't use my real name in any of my three FB accounts for that reason. And I only use Linked-In for professional contacts.

 

[akmom]

Swan7, I don't know what Facebook was like in 2009 because I was a latecomer, but now you can set your default audience to "Friends except..." and prevent a particular person from actually seeing any of your posts, without unfriending them or even having them know there are posts they can't see. But that's really only helpful if you have one (or more) particular "friend" you regret adding and don't want to insult them or draw attention to the slight by actually deleting them.

I find it too tedious to manually exclude individuals that I don't want to see a specific post. So I just refrain from posting anything controversial. If it's too good to pass up, I'll send it in a private message to whomever I want to see it!

 

[DZoolander]

TBH I don't give a lot of thought to how my acceptance/not acceptance of people as "friends" on social media might be taken by others. It kind of reminds me of back in the days of MySpace when everyone used to obsess over who made it into someone else's "Top 8" or whatever it was.

My "rule" on how I add people is pretty basic. I break people up into four groups.

1: Family
2: Friends (past or present)
3: If I've had contact with you, and so far I've liked you and/or think you have an interesting point of view
4: If I think some kind of utility can be gained from being friends with you (like a teacher)

#4 tends to be the smallest group. For things like teachers, moms in my daughter's girl scout troop, etc...there are FB groups that I belong to where we can communicate. So I rarely feel the need to add them individually.

 

[snoochface]

Just a couple of technical notes:

You can set up friend groups on Facebook to choose your audience. You can have groups for Family, Extended Family, Co-Workers, School/Teachers, etc. Then when you are posting pictures of your kid that you only intend to be for family, you don't have to do Friends Except.... and manually exclude everyone you don't want to see it. Instead you pick the Custom option and choose the friend groups Family and Extended Family. Facebook remembers your choice one post to the next, so if you mostly want just those groups to see what you post, you don't need to change it every time. But it gives you more flexibility in who sees what you post. It's tedious to set up in the beginning, but once you've got the groups made they are easy to maintain.

Also, you can delete your Facebook account. In the same place where the Deactivate Facebook link is, there's an additional step to remove your account altogether. If you have anything you want to save from it, you can download a copy of your data (pictures, posts, etc) first.

 

[akmom]

Snoochface, you are right about the option of making groups. But people don't fit into groups very well for me. I might want X to see this picture of my family but not that picture. (Maybe because I missed an event they invited me to at the same time I was taking a picture of this other thing I did instead.) But mostly I don't care what any of my friends see if they want to see it. I just don't want to spam them! I wish we could control what gets "broadcasted," not just what can be seen. You know what I mean?

I've had several friends and family members die since making Facebook accounts. Certain pictures that you may not have wanted splattered all over Facebook because it's obnoxious, become pictures that those same people would really like to look at when they're grieving. Sure, it's annoying when someone posts 300 pictures of their vacation and your feed is filled with stuff you don't feel like looking at. But I guarantee you will want to look at all 300 pictures and more when they die. So that's another reason I wouldn't want to block people from ever seeing particular photos. But if I post 300 pictures of my kids it's because my grandma wants to see every single one of them - I guarantee it! - but my old high school friends probably do not. So let them browse my photos at their leisure. I love seeing my old friends' kids grow up and connecting with them on occasion, but not 10 posts-a-day kind of interest.

 

[Swan7]

Swan7, I don't know what Facebook was like in 2009 because I was a latecomer, but now you can set your default audience to "Friends except..." and prevent a particular person from actually seeing any of your posts, without unfriending them or even having them know there are posts they can't see. But that's really only helpful if you have one (or more) particular "friend" you regret adding and don't want to insult them or draw attention to the slight by actually deleting them.

I find it too tedious to manually exclude individuals that I don't want to see a specific post. So I just refrain from posting anything controversial. If it's too good to pass up, I'll send it in a private message to whomever I want to see it!

Thanks, this was informative. I honestly don't post on Facebook nearly as much as I used to when I first got the account. I'm careful with what I post as well. I mainly use it now for family contacts.