Social exhaustion

[flowerforever7]

Hi,

Does any one have any tips for dealing with social/people exhaustion? I feel horrible saying this, but I cringe whenever invited to Church events, or social events. I really don't like socializing in person and do not seek it out. I know that the Bible says we are to love one another deeply from the heart; but most times I find myself just trying to tolerate people. Any advice for doing the Lord's will in this type of situation? Real life examples are helpful. Thank you.

 

[vermin06]

I feel the same. I'm not comfortable being around strangers, because I've grown up just not fitting in very well. For some of us, it's about quality, not quantity, so going and being around lots of people you don't know can be very uncomfortable. Try just going to places where there will be fewer people, with someone or some persons you know very well. That way you don't over load yourself with strangers, and you have a comfortable person to go to when you're feeling overwhelmed.

 

[catzetier]

I've gotten better at socialising over the years but I still don't like being social with a lot of people at once, particularly strangers. I am not particularly good at starting a conversation, or at following a conversation when multiple people are talking... and when I do have to say something to a stranger, I sometimes go extremely shy and just freeze. Even if it's something as simple as asking for a glass of water! (This has happened.) And I have no idea why... it's absurd.

What I tend to do is go along to the event and be friendly as much as I can. Depending on how comfortable I feel, I can be friendly for up to a few hours - but my definition of "friendly" means "at least being in the same room, quietly listening to everybody else talk and willing to talk to somebody if they start the conversation". I tend to withdraw into a corner and just listen, or daydream... or investigate the bookshelves and make a huge fuss of any pet cats around whilst almost entirely ignoring the people (I love books and cats; I cannot be kept away). I say hi to whoever says hi to me and try to remember to smile.

At the other end of the scale, if some poor person starts an innocent conversation with me about fantasy literature, or drama, or something else that fascinates me... sudden in-depth discussion going on. I don't seem to have an off-switch.

I guess I just do my best. But I do prefer small groups of people; it's not as tiring trying to deal with them.

I also agree with vermin06. If there's a lot of people, having somebody you know well at the event with you is wonderful. I go to most things with my mum - which means, among other things, that there is always somebody there who I can talk to, and if I want to get away from all the people I can wait in the car. Also, it's good to not be obliged to stay for the whole event - it takes away the pressure!

 

[vermin06]

I've gotten better at socialising over the years but I still don't like being social with a lot of people at once, particularly strangers. I am not particularly good at starting a conversation, or at following a conversation when multiple people are talking... and when I do have to say something to a stranger, I sometimes go extremely shy and just freeze. Even if it's something as simple as asking for a glass of water! (This has happened.) And I have no idea why... it's absurd.

What I tend to do is go along to the event and be friendly as much as I can. Depending on how comfortable I feel, I can be friendly for up to a few hours - but my definition of "friendly" means "at least being in the same room, quietly listening to everybody else talk and willing to talk to somebody if they start the conversation". I tend to withdraw into a corner and just listen, or daydream... or investigate the bookshelves and make a huge fuss of any pet cats around whilst almost entirely ignoring the people (I love books and cats; I cannot be kept away). I say hi to whoever says hi to me and try to remember to smile.

At the other end of the scale, if some poor person starts an innocent conversation with me about fantasy literature, or drama, or something else that fascinates me... sudden in-depth discussion going on. I don't seem to have an off-switch.

I guess I just do my best. But I do prefer small groups of people; it's not as tiring trying to deal with them.

I also agree with vermin06. If there's a lot of people, having somebody you know well at the event with you is wonderful. I go to most things with my mum - which means, among other things, that there is always somebody there who I can talk to, and if I want to get away from all the people I can wait in the car. Also, it's good to not be obliged to stay for the whole event - it takes away the pressure!

This is a key example of an introvert. Now, introversion isn't anything wrong, it just means you're more sensitive to such stimuli as socializing. Do you also often assume, in certain situations, others will find you guilty of something (even if it's minor), even when you're innocent? Do you sometimes assume the worst when an acquaintance or a friend who isn't very close to you, doesn't get in contact with you for a while (ie, you fear they dislike you, and you're afraid to approach them about it)?

What you described is spot on with myself. I understand that I just have a lower threshold for such things, so I don't bother. I do enjoy spending time in museums and libraries and parks, and I have made friends before, just hanging out by myself. If you want people to approach you, try doing things that interest you, but aren't necessarily normally seen in public, like working on a macrame piece of jewelry, or drawing, etc. Perhaps those who are comfortable approaching you will do so, and you will both have a starting bit of conversation right from the get go.

 

[catzetier]

This is a key example of an introvert. Now, introversion isn't anything wrong, it just means you're more sensitive to such stimuli as socializing. Do you also often assume, in certain situations, others will find you guilty of something (even if it's minor), even when you're innocent? Do you sometimes assume the worst when an acquaintance or a friend who isn't very close to you, doesn't get in contact with you for a while (ie, you fear they dislike you, and you're afraid to approach them about it)?

What you described is spot on with myself. I understand that I just have a lower threshold for such things, so I don't bother. I do enjoy spending time in museums and libraries and parks, and I have made friends before, just hanging out by myself. If you want people to approach you, try doing things that interest you, but aren't necessarily normally seen in public, like working on a macrame piece of jewelry, or drawing, etc. Perhaps those who are comfortable approaching you will do so, and you will both have a starting bit of conversation right from the get go.

Oh, I know I'm introverted, but I don't really identify with your questions. I can't think of an example of the first one either way, and the second one is completely not me. I tend to assume that the friend is busy - if I want to contact them I contact them, but usually I don't bother because with me, there has to be an actual reason to contact them besides just saying hello. This is probably more of an aspie thing - I like friends but if they don't keep in contact I won't either. Let's hope I never make friends with a similar aspie to myself in this regard - it probably wouldn't last long!

I like spending time in libraries and museums, not so much in parks unless they have a swing. One park in my general area even has some adult-sized swings, which are fantastic! But me working on an interest of mine in public is not a good idea. If somebody approached me and I was in the middle of a really good book, I would see them as more of an annoyance than anything else... This is why (even when I think I'm going to be bored somewhere along the line) I do not bring a book along with me to social events!

 

[flowerforever7]

Catzetier - The way you describe yourself is so much like me, it's weird!

 

[dayhiker]

My theory on why social events are so taxing is we don't perceive naturally what is going on in the group. This gives us a level of flustration and uses a lot of energy.

Since we are AS we are never going to perceive social events the way NT people do. But people pretty much do the same things in the same situations. Just location, people talked about and topics of conversation change but they are doing the same thing over and over.

So over the years we need to learn these traits. Once we learn them then it doesn't take much energy to think, OK, I know this, they are doing X.

That still leaves how are we going to react to their situation. I used to just watch and learn. But now I know the patters fairly well. So a few years back I started to figure out how I'd insert myself into the conversation. People love stories/narratives. We love facts. So I started to tells stories about how I learned facts. Ya, to me the important part of the story is the fact. But to them its the story. So we are both happy. Ya, if they catch on that I'm just telling the story so they can hear a certain fact they get bored. So I cut my story short. But often new people we meet love to hear our stories because they are different than all the stories their friends have been telling them.

Took years to learn all that, but I now get comments that I'm the smarted person they have ever meet. Well I'm no dummy, but I know I'm along ways from being the smartest person out there!

 

[TheChristianAspie]

I have a lot of difficulty in social situations. I am sensory defensive, so hearing so many conversations going on at the same time makes me very nervous! I can't listen to any of them and my brain is desperately trying to capture each and every word spoken.

When I get overwhelmed, I use my MP3 player. I have several playlists of praise and worship music. I know these songs and the list very well, so it is very familiar to me. I put in my ear buds and listen to some music for a bit. It calms me right down. I also do this for prayer at church (we pray aloud and when 50 people are praying at the same time it is distressing). If you respond well to music, you might try that.

 

[jason taylor]

Try the internet for socializing. A number of Aspies form close friendships over the net. I know I have.

 

[AldoSB]

I'm an asperger, and I have troubles when socializing with others, but through time I learned that loving other people or being friends with others is not all about talking or socializing. Here's my recommendation: go to your church events and just be a good listener. You don't need to talk at all. Just by being there and listening you can be a really good friend, they will really appreciate it. Doing this will help you to create bonds with other people and socializing will be easier.

 

[SteveNZ]

Hi. WOW .... so it is not just me!

I can share that for myself I fould working in a corporate atmosphere and living in a city SO, SO difficult. you want to run and hide. Then get totally exhausted after each week ... crashing all weekend .... on and on....

For myself when all came to a head my Lord helped out. Through a series of events, including much goodwill on part of my boss, I now live in a small mountain village of about 800 people.

The difference is amazing. I am part of them and can walk around feeling at ease. The best bit is that although we all have 'bad' points the good about us shines to others. I am the only 'ME' avaialble, just like the Lord made me, and that is appreciated. My Lord has not changed my character so much as found a place/society where I shine.

I am slightly different that I love people and interacting but only at my own pace. The church, being only about 20 folk is fantastic and suits me well.

SUMMARY - Things have worked together for good for me BUT I must be honest and say that my family is still broken (at least 50% due to myself not fitting in well socially) and needs healing.

My Jesus be with you all as we grow...

 

[dayhiker]

Steve .. that's for telling your story. Good to hear of a good out come.

 

[Netbug009]

Don't close yourself off, but don't feel a need to overexert yourself for people who can't accept that you have a limit.

 

[jackmt]

"Love" in "Love thy neighbor..." is a verb, not a feeling. Do what you know to be the right thing, the needed thing, what the mind of Christ in you tells you is right, apart from any feelings about the matter. The greatest commandment tells us to love God with our minds.

 

[gracechick]

Im bothered by too many conversations at social gatherings. I can't seem to tune out other seperate ones going on around me while I try to focous on the person speaking to me. It can be exhausting to try to practice social skills while conversing with another person or persons. I believe it's because I am so physically sensitive to sound, movement and light. It's so easy to be distracted or feel frustrated.

 

[Mizuti]

If loving your neighbour means that you would serve them better by having a place to go if you get overwhelmed so that you can recover a bit (versus lashing out at them or something), by all means, that should be done. I'm also sensitive to sound, so I don't go to a gathering without some familiar something or someone. Usually it's a person that I trust enough to let them know I need to go be by myself for awhile.

 

[jackmt]

If loving your neighbour means that you would serve them better by having a place to go if you get overwhelmed so that you can recover a bit (versus lashing out at them or something), by all means, that should be done. I'm also sensitive to sound, so I don't go to a gathering without some familiar something or someone. Usually it's a person that I trust enough to let them know I need to go be by myself for awhile.

Yes. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Give yourself permission to meet your own needs as you would them. And do unto them as you would have them do unto you.