So what now?

[BigToe]

I just got into a fight with my sister and I honestly have no where to turn for help or support. We fight a lot and sometimes it gets to the verge of being violent. But this time it crossed that line. My head hurts from being hit, my lip is swollen. I can't lean back in my chair. I know I hit her back when she was charging me. She tried to slam the door against my head, but I ran out fast enough. I know its not her fault, but how do I go on normally? What if I am developing an abusive personality type disorder? I am afraid of myself now. I have never reacted violently before- what if I end up hurting someone or myself? What if I turn into a monster that thrives on hurting others and causing them pain?

I mean, all I wanted to do was fix her fence so the dogs wouldn't get out anymore. Why did that make her so upset?

 

[bliz]

Please forgive my original post. I jumped to conclusions and I was wrong to have posted what I did. My remarks were inappropriate and way off base. There is no excuse for what I did. I am very sorry.

 

[sr. scholls]

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it! Siblings fight...that's the way it's always been. I'd be worried if you never fought with each other!

My brother and I have had a few bloody fights with each other, but after a couple days we completely forgot about it. Now I wouldn't recommend you gnawing on your sister's shoulder when you two have a disagreement (LOL) but perhaps she was just having a bad day? I'm sure everything will be back to normal soon.

 

[hischildsindik]

I'd recommend prayer and seeking God. Perhaps He can give you insight as to what you need to do for yourself. If the fights are frequent and frequently violent, I'd remind yourself who you are and who she is. She is a child of God, as are you. Step back and pray... walk away from the situation, verbally say I will not fight with you this way any longer. And walk away. If you think it is something serious that you have to do something about, seek help with a counselor.

Growing up my sister was really violent, 5 years older and popped her cork at a slight breeze. She still hasn't sought help and it's been decades later, and she still is that person, slightly mellower, but not much. If you think you need help, get it. A proper counselor or even a pastor can help, and if they don't think you need it, they would tell you.

 

[BigToe]

No, I am not the bullying helper bliz- you didnt even ask for the details of what happened. I didn't try to fix her fence- I asked if I could. I didn't even look at the stupid thing. You notice I mentioned how she physically beat me right? I hit back to defend myself. You also notice that I said I knew it wasn't her fault- it was both of ours. I am quite offended that you were so quick to jump to a conclusion of what my problem was that i so desperately needed serious counseling help for without asking me what happened. You, my friend, need to learn some tact in helping another who is posting in the "struggles" area. Yes, I am being very harsh to you. I had a horrible day where my sister terrified me and I reacted in a way I never had before. It is natural for one to question their reactions when they do something out of character. The fact that I felt so poorly about it at all was proof enough to me that I am not about to become some abusive person or monster that takes pleasure in hurting others. Thanks for the support though. I appreciate it.


Sarah- I think you're kinda on the right path a bit. And hischild- my sister and your sister sound a lot alike actually. For years we've tried to get her help (we suspect she has bipolar disorder or a borderline personality disorder). She can be the most wonderful person one moment and then the next she is charging you down about to attack you.

Truth of the matter is I had just bought some burgers for the two of us to celebrate 4th of July together. I went with my dog to her house (she invited us). She let her dogs in her back yard to go to the bathroom. They went through the hole where several boards are missing. We went to the front and got them back in the house. She said she needs to get it fixed soon (hence why I offered). I told her I could help her. She said she cant do anything till the owner comes to look at it (she rents).

Fine, she just bought 2 ferrets and we went to the room where they are and played with them. She was constantly asking me to get up and get her this, go do this, hold this, blah blah blah. I didn't really mind at the time because I enjoyed seeing the ferrets running around the room. But her mood quickly went out the door and she was bossing me around even more.

We decided to stop playing with the ferrets and go watch some television. I let her sit where she chose and then sat in a different chair. The dogs had to go potty. I let them out and when they started running to the hole in the fence I called their names and said no. They didn't leave the yard but did their business and came back inside. We snacked on our lunch and watched some tv.

My sister decided to let the dogs out again (they just drank a lot of water). She opens the door.

I had just picked up a book she had about ferrets and training them. Thought I would see in it if you could litter box train them and teach them not to bite. I wasn't going to train them, but I was curious if it were possible. So I am flipping through the pages and all of a sudden she is yelling at me for being lazy and that the dogs got out again. The chair I was in was closer to the backdoor than my sister at that point. I turned around to look out and call the dogs names. She starts yelling at me for not helping her. I told her I was looking to see if I could call them back in the yard.

Keep in mind she was still just standing in the middle of the room yelling at ME for not getting them back. I shut the back door and ask her where her dogs go when they get out. She yells that they are in the *string of bad words* front yard. So I walk to her front door to go out, she follows behind me. I don't see the dogs and ask her which direction they usually run. She started walking that way and said they run down here and points down one of the other streets. So I ask if I should get in the car to go find them and she said yes.

So I turn around to go inside to get my keys. She starts yelling profanities at me about not helping her. Well, I kinda had to go back inside to get the keys so I could get in the car to go find the dogs. Sheesh.

Anyway we find them. I ask her if she has called the owner recently because thats got to be a hassle for her to have to go through everytime her dogs go outside. She said she calls them every day, that is really makes her mad, yadda yadda.

I ask her if tacking a towel across the hole would help. She starts yelling that she can't do anything, that it would just knock more of the fence down. I told her I wouldn't mind helping and then paying the owner whatever "damages" they might charge for fixing the fence. (see my sister has a condition where her back hurts a lot too. so i know she cant get out there and do any physical stuff and that chasing the dogs hurts her, esp if she has to do it many times a day. I can also tell with how upset she was getting everytime they got out that it was something that upset her). She continues yelling- she hasn't listened to anything I have said. She couldn't hear over herself and she didnt want to. So I finally yelled back asking her to listen to me. At that point she told me to get out of her *bad word* house and that I was never welcome back again. That I needed to take my mangey dog with me. I go to where my purse is to get my stuff I can leave and she continues yelling profanities at me. I lost my cool and told her she was no sister of mine, i didnt even scream it back at her. She starts yelling more intensely and harshly and making fun of me for being overdramatic now too (and yeah, she had a point, but what was I gonna say?) I have to walk past her to get to her door and she swings at me, so I hit back. She starts pounding on me. I call for my dog to come so we can get out of there. She comes rushing behind me and wails on my head. Then I open the door to leave and call my dog once more (who is being smart and not coming near the commotion). My sister grabs the door and starts putting her force on closing it with me in the middle of the doorway. I barely get out of it in time for it not to smash into me, and my dog almost got crushed too. I open the door to let my dog out and we get in the car and drive off.

Yes, maybe I pushed the issue of her fence more than I should have. But for her to yell and hit me? No. Telling me she is irritated that I should drop it, sure. Yelling at me to shut up, ok. Heck, I might have understood a few curse words to tell me to shut up if it was bothering her that much. But she overreacted. And I know I did too. I would never hit someone for bringing something up one too many times or offering to help with something. She could have even said, you know Erin- you've said that already and you wont shut up about it, its getting old. And that would have stopped it. She could have even asked me to leave nicely. So yes, I provoked it by asking to help her out too much- but I did not do anything to warrant her physical abuse.

Anyway. I had a bad day, I was trying to get my lip to stop bleeding and I had somewhere to be in 2 hours of when I posted the first message. I was stressing out and wanted some reassurance that everything would be ok.

The end.

 

[elanor]

What a stressful experience! You're right--nothing warranted you being physically abused. There's just no level of frustration, no circumstance, that makes that okay. At that point, you had to get out of there. I wouldn't worry about turning into some "monster that thrives on hurting others." It doesn't sound like you acted out of anything except self-defense. If it was me, I'd probably be wracked with the same questions you are, though. Maybe that's the normal response for people if violence isn't a natural part of their make-up. I think the fact that you worry about this is an indicator that your conscience couldn't become that callous.

It seems like you have two issues here: 1) How do you keep yourself safe in this relationship? Are there identifiable signs that your sister is going to become physical in her anger? Is there a way to defuse the situation before it gets to that point? Or do you need to leave when you see that coming? 2) Is there some way you can help your sister? Does she recognize that she has this problem? Does the rest of the family? Has she had any help with this?

I wish I had a boatload of wisdom for you, but I don't. I haven't done so great myself in a couple of really difficult relationships with people whose needs just overwhelmed me. One thing that did help me think a little differently, though, was the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's worth a look. The subject is how we set boundaries on those difficult relationships in our lives. I'm also a firm believer in seeking wise counsel, whether from a trusted friend or pastor or, when I need professional guidance, a counselor. I just know that sometimes my mind gets stuck in a groove when it comes to thinking about something, and I can't always find a way on my own to think outside of that. And prayer, of course. I'm sure you know well that it's through prayer that God softens us so we can change.

I will pray tonight for both you and your sister. May God give you peace, comfort, and wisdom.

 

[bliz]

Big Toe -

You are right. I was WAY out of line and jumped to a thousand conclusions I had no right to jump to. I was very wrong. I am sorry if I increased you pain over a very bad experience. Will you please forgive me?

bliz

 

[Risen Tree]

aww, BigToe...

You gonna be on AIM tonight?

 

[hischildsindik]

BigToe, I am sorry you are having to go through such experiences. You are right, your sister and mine do sound an aweful lot a like. Maybe we could ship them both off to some island together.

You don't deserve the physical, verbal or emotional abuse you get from your sister. No one deserves that kind of abuse and absolutely nothing merits doing that to another human being or canine. I know for me the only thing I could do was restrict my time with her and immediately leave if the level of her agression increased slightly. And I do mean just slightly. I went through enough with her growing up, now that I am an adult I won't put up with it. A lot of the time that I do or would spend with my sister nowadays is at my mom's place. I can distance easier if she gets rash and mom tends to know how to get her down a bit. And mom understands when I just leave without notice.

BigToe, do what you need to do to keep you safe. If that means limiting time and place you see her, so be it. No one needs to be treated the way she treats you. And the possibility of having a mental health problem is not a good reason either, she needs to get help for that to determine if there is one. And follow through if there is with the meds or treatments.
God bless you and stay safe!
Cindy

 

[BigToe]

Thanks guys. I've calmed down quite a bit since sleeping. And I think that ultimately the best solution is to not be around her for long. She is 20 now and we (my mother and I) have been trying to get her to at least talk to a therapist for several years now. When we got her to, they suggested medication and she freaked out and stopped going. I understand her fear of going on medication (another family issue that has me fear the same thing).

So for now I will only see her if we are with other people. Hopefully someone other than my mom as well because she tends to not blow her top in front of others.

 

[LynneClomina]

wow BigToe. that's harsh. i think that if she gets like that often, you might need to force her to see a psychiatrist. it is, to be frankly honest, doing her no favors to allow her to continue in this state. there is some disorder where people have an explosive, uncontrollable temper, i dont know what it's called, kids with ADHD sometimes have it i think... anyways, it's pretty scary. that is ASSAULT, and if she does that to someone who's not family - or maybe one day even a family member that wants to - she could get charged and jailed for it. the wisest thing might be to have you and your mom go and see a psychiatrist and get some input, on what you can do. i dont know where you live, but in BC, Canada, a doctor can "commit" an unwilling patient so that they can be observed and diagnosed. that sounds real scary, but sometimes, unfortunately, that's what the person needs.

anyways, how is your back doing? and your head? are you physically doing ok???

 

[BigToe]

yeah, you're right that she needs help. she doesnt get like that often- i dont think she ever has before. but we are trying to get her help- a lot of the problem is she hasnt found a dr she clicks well with yet.

but as far as how i am- i am fine. i got ice on things quickly enough that there is no swelling. I also bruise VERY VERY easily so that accounts for why my back was hurting- but i put some stuff on the bruise and it has gone down a lot too. still have a bit of a headache, but thats ok. it will go away soon.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Awww...
*hug*
I'll call you if I can find your number. Youv'e seen my desk so you can understand how it may be hard to find the piece of paper with your info on it.

*hug*
Would you want to come up sometime?

 

[TheMainException]

i think that she has more of a problem that you do...I don't know how old you are...but I think that you should talk to your parents or seek prof help on this subject...really talk to god about this...he is the one who can change everything.